Have I actually done anything wrong?

[muchpreferanimals]

A few weeks ago my brother announced he had left his wife of 20+ years and his children for another woman and he wanted me to meet her.
I was shocked but agreed they could come over and we did a barbecue and sat outside.
I am very close to my SIL so found this all a bit of a shock but I could see they were very happy and we had a nice afternoon.
Later on my brother called me angrily and said I should have taken down the family pictures that had him and his ex in before they arrived and said I was very insensitive and had upset his new gf and caused problems.

For context I have a lot of pictures in the hall that have been there years and she is in a couple of them and as we sat outside she could only have noticed them on the way to the toilet.

I explained I hadn’t given it a thought and as it was all so sudden I was concerned about him rather than erasing all trace of my SIL from my wall.
Dh seemed to be of the assumption we should immediately take all pictures with her in down to make peace but I think I’ve done nothing wrong and I shouldn’t have to feel sorry that she was offended by this.

I had no intention of causing any upset and I’m really upset it was taken out on me, db is usually quite down to earth but now he would like me to apologise and I feel like I have to admit wrong doing to make amends.

Your DB is being a prat. I’ve been married to my DH for 10y and there’s still a family pic of him, his ex wife and their DCs when they were little at my in laws. I’ve no issue with that. He had a life before me and she’s the mother of 2 of his children. I wasn’t anything to do with the split though, has your DB left his wife for the new woman?

No idea why you even agreed to meet new woman - in your position I would focus on my nieces/nephews and their needs.

So the OW got upset, wow she steals another woman's husband and she's upset at some photos, how very dare you

A price you pay when you break up a family, they will always be in his life, she is going to see photos, she will probably meet her one day and she will definitely have to be involved with the kids, if she wanted someone without a past then she should have gone to a singles club not a married mans club, she new what she was getting herself in for.

Pick a nice photo of you all (ex wife not new OW) together and have it blown up and stick it over the mantel next time she comes round, the cheek!

YANBU. OW needs to accept that he was married with children and his family have a bond and memories with SIL.

@muchpreferanimals

Also, thinking about it you need to tred very carefully with this new girlfriend.

Sounds likes she's very good at stirring up trouble and your brother is dumb enough to buy into the drama.

She could very well start turning her attention on your nephews and how she just can't have them around because they're triggers or your SIL shouldn't be allowed to co parent with your brother.

If you give into this request it WILL be the thin end of the wedge.

Don't fall for it. Stand firm and do right by your nephews.

Also to add, women and men who knowingly have affairs with people they know are married with children tend to not be the most mentally balanced and healthy individuals.

They are usually deeply insecure, often with issues that make them very problematic in a long term relationship.

You've been warned and you are getting a glimpse of what the future holds. Take notice and act accordingly.

Absolutely agree with this. I can't believe OP welcomed her into her home so freely.

He is having a go at you? He blew his family up with his infidelity but it’s your fault that historical photos exist on a wall that contains family photos. My god. He is lucky you are such a nice person. If he pulled this shit with me I would fuck him right out of my life and adopt my ex SIL as a sister instead. I hope she’s still talking to you btw.

She’s upset! Not a thought from your brother about his wife of 20 years and his kids. I wouldn’t worry about offending the ow because she’d never be my house again.

Hell would freeze over before I immediately agreed to meet an affair partner the same day they announced it. Your poor SIL. Brother or not, where is your morals? How can he just try and integrate her into the family so soon? Zero respect for his ex wife and mother of his children. What a cunt

Really he can’t dictate what you have in your walls, nor the woman who he was with for over 20 years. My DH had a photo of his ex wife pregnant with their second baby and him holding their eldest in his office. Never bothered me.

The new girlfriend and your brother do not get to decide the decor on YOUR home. They are you memories. Your SIL will be in your life forever due to the children and because you have built a relationship over years with her.
Honestly, he cheated on his wife and children, he expects everyone to act like he did nothing nothing and meet the new woman and pretend like he isn't married with kids. I would be going low contact with him abd prioritising my nephews and SIL who have done nothing wrong.

Think there are a lot of reasons to be angry at him. Not only has he put his sister in a difficult position to imagine what his wife & children are feeling. Her ex SIL meeting new girlfriend after being the wife’s family for 20+ yrs terrible betrayal.

I'd say hosting cheating scum in your house was wrong, but apart from that no.

They are both ridiculous and you have done nothing wrong. I have been with my partner for 5years and his family still have pictures around their homes with his ex wife in them as they are their memories and she is the mother of his children, wouldn't even occur to me to be bothered by them

Absolutely not.

They are your memories in your house.

This should be a red flag to your brother but I fear he cannot see it.

Read the OP

My dad's affair partner who became his long term girlfriend resented us and wouldn't allow pictures of us up in the house, it was instead full of studio pics of her daughter and grandkids (they both owned the house 50/50). Years later we dont speak to her and she hates it, and my sister hasn't spoken to my dad in almost 15 years as she was sick of the crap this woman pulled and he forgave: she had been coming between us all from my age of 8 to 23 when I stopped seeing her. A piece of work.

Basically, this woman your brother is dating sounds so similar if she wants you to erase the mother of his children from your home, it will extend to hers and his home too and how will the children feel that they can't talk about their mum. This is a huge red flag and won't end well in the long term.

This woman needs to understand that if she goes to someone’s house who is a family member of someone she doesn’t want to set eyes on, the possibility of seeing family photos of this person is going to be incredibly high. Is she some narcissist who because your brother is with her then his past and his families past should be erased.

You didn’t put those pictures up just to spite her. The fact she thinks you did or thinks you should have gone through your house ridding it of everything from your past seems like she needs therapy before starting a new relationship. You and any relative of any bf isn’t going to erase a family member or friend just for her who is after all just a random gf your brother has brought round.

If she is this offended by a photo then I would ask her how Christmas, Birthdays and other family events are going to work.

What about the children her bf has. Are they going to trigger her so much that he can’t mention their names or see them or only if she never sets eyes on them ever. Or if he gets 50/50 or EOW custody is it going to be her who moves out or he does. When he does drop offs and collections of said children is he going to have to blindfold himself on handover so he doesn’t look at his ex wife

Maybe she should be confining her dating pool to those who are under 25 to cut down on the risk that they have ex wives and children or a past. Preferably those who don’t have a mother or sisters as she needs to be the only significant woman in your brothers life.

Note she gets offended by pictures of his ex wife and also wants to rid him of his sister. Your mother will be the next on her list followed by aunts and female cousins and then his friends

He needs to take a pragmatic view of this relationship. He either gets rid of all females out of his life and just have her or this relationship isn’t going to work.

I would say that this looks like coercive control and manipulation

He can’t see that what she is complaining about is ridiculous and he should be the one looking at her and seeing crazy.

Been in this situation with my brother and being close to my sil and their children. There's no way I'd have had them over so soon. My priority was making sure the ones he hurt were okay and being looked after. Id honestly tell him to fuck off. He may have left his wife but she's still my sil and if his new partner can't handle the fact he has a past and you have a relationship with sil, she shouldn't go getting involved with married men.

It’s your house and it’s been 5 minutes since he left his wife. Why should you change the pics to accommodate him. My in laws kept their photos up for years with their ex son in law in after their daughter married her affair partner. I found it slightly amusing tbh.

If I was your SIL I would avoid you like the plague.
If I was your friend and heard about your disloyalty to your SIL entertaining your brothers new piece it would change my view of you completely.

You clearly have no idea what loyalty means.

Your poor SIL, she must be devastated at his betrayal and now you too.

Just awful.

I’m shocked you hosted your db and OW so soon after the break up. I’d have said no and stood by my morals. If my db wasn’t happy then screw him. My nieces and nephews and feelings of the wife would take priority. No way would I take down pics in my own home.

I presume that asking to see you as a couple she was fully expecting that you would say no

When you said yes and she came over and nothing untoward was said to her then she had to find something else to drive a wedge between you and your brother.

This woman is a deeply insecure narcissist and your brother is just her latest victim

Wonder what she is hiding in her past. Why did her last relationship fail and what do her ex’s have to say about her?

It's quite amusing if you think about it! She got no issue getting with a man that's literally just broke up with his wife of 20 years, but seeing a picture of said wife is out of the question? 😂 I wouldn't take it seriously at all. Your brother's midlife crisis isn't your problem and his new gf definitely isn't!