DH overreacting over

[NoWinnersOnlyLosers]

i will try to resume the situation:

I am on holiday at the moment visiting family (parents, siblings…)

I left my children yesterday with my parents so that I could catch up with friends over the weekend. Bear in mind I can only see them once a year and I am the default parent for my children and I don’t get a break, only ever when they are at school (if that counts).

On returning, my DD5 informed me while crying that her grandad told her off for dropping the remote and waking up grandma who was sleeping on the sofa in the living room. She also told me that she received a head slap for it but she cried for that.

I spoke to him and he admitted that it was a flick but was remorseful of what he did. I told him I expect this to never happen again as I have never laid a finger on them.

Now, my Dd informed her dad over a video call and she explained what happened. This didn’t sit well with him (which I understand) but he decided unilaterally to cut short our holiday by 2 weeks and book a flight for us.

He refused to talk to my parents and said he expects us to get on the plane well before our initial timeframe.

I asked my eldest child to explain what happened and if it was witnessed and the situation was explained and nothing more was added.

While I don’t accept the use of violence of any kind on children, my dad has never laid a hand on us and I feel it has developed in a molehill out of a grain of sand.

Now my eldest is crying that my husband has ruined the time with their grandparents.

My youngest is crying because she hasn’t been to the beach yet.

My mum is crying because she only gets to see us in summer.

I am equally devastated and angry as the time I have to decompress is gone and I have yet to organise plenty of things here.

My dad doesn’t know this yet as he was sleeping when all this was unfolding.

And my husband wants to impose and is a square man. He is difficult to convince otherwise and has spent money we don’t have to prove a point and damage my relationship with my parents with me being stuck in the middle.
He does not care about my family the same as he does not care about his side of the family.

WWYD?

If he's delegating the childcare to her, he's also delegating the decision making power over the childcare to her. He doesn't get to force them to come home early from a holiday he decided not to go on.

OP has made it clear to her father that his conduct was unacceptable. She has dealt with it. Her husband has no right to override her parental authority.

Exactly 👍

This. This is the elephant in the room, or maybe in the ocean(s) between them.

The DH's 5 year old daughter got a nasty hit on the head by an adult & in law who was missing his dd in a different country while his DW was off socialising.......

Then his wife, doesn't tell him, and he has to hear of this upsetting incident from the 5 yo dd (or the other child) & then the 5yo dd, who is still upset at the incident. (& was visibly upset about it in front of the DW)

Then the wife tries to minimise what actually happened to their 5 yo dd in a foreign country under someone else's care (her DF, his FIL), she goes fully along with the FIL's minimisation of the incident, and gives out about the DH's reaction to protect his children.

The mother here is clearly more concerned about her holiday, her time to decompress and that apparently she 'doesn't ever get a much of a break' at home, than her poor, traumatised little 5 yo DD's welfare. Sorry this is unacceptable imho.

The OP is coming across as a self absorbed, self pitying, neglectful, passive parent who is discounting her 5 yo dd's feelings (& her DHs) after her 5 yo dd has been hit on the head in a foreign country while being 'looked after' by her DF for dropping a blooming remote control!?

Cop on people, smell the coffee.

Imho, the likely reason the DH acted unilaterally is the mother, OP & his DW didn't tell him firstly, violating his trust, then probably tried to minimise the incident (just like she has tried to do repeatedly on here since), all so her holiday won't be ruined (cos she 'has plans '), and she is so concerned that she never gets a break at home (from her 2 school going children)..

Jebus, give me a break, the OP is a self absorbed apologist for her poor parenting , her dad's violent reaction to her 5 yo DD and the (non consulted & non-confided in) DH, while maybe potentially being seen to be a bit controlling on the face of things, is actually just trying desperately to look out for his 5 yo DD's welfare , who has been already hurt, and his other child. Can people honestly not see this!?

Why? Cos one of the poor children's parents actually needs to look out for them!!

P.s. and even at this, the other parent, I.e. the passive, apologist, absent parent who left the children with a childminder who was violent, whose dad actually hit their 5 yo child, is accusing the DH on here of over reacting ,& only doing this to affect the kids relationship with their mother's parents..... you know the violent one & the asleep at the wheel ones!!?!

What do people not understand here???

The OP is a complicit, minimising, apologist here for a totally unacceptable incident, which she probably tried to cover up from the DH & children's father and now is upset by his rational reaction in the circumstances. My sympathy is with the 5 yo DD, the other child and the DH who has to try to care for his children from 1000s of miles away where the mother won't & her DF has already hit one of the children already.... Gawd damn!!

Why? Cos one of the poor children's parents actually needs to look out for them!!

Yeah and that one parent is the OP. Her husband does fuck all at home and hasn't even come away with them.

Dad of the year right there.

I just don't agree with that. If I were the father I would be wondering why my wife didn't tell me that her father hit our child and made out it wasn't that serious. He hit her for dropping a remote!

But it's not my life, and OP has successfully made her husband out to be controlling, and she'll have people agreeing with her.

So, I'm out. Enjoy your holiday, OP.

If he actually went on holiday with his children he wouldn't need to be told anything.

So equally then.. if she's delegating the family earning to him, she's delegating the spending of it to him? She gets no say in how the money is spent? 🤔

I wouldn't be getting on the plane.
Finish your holiday.
You have separate accommodation. You can ensure your children are perfectly safe and happy and not alone with your dad if there are any more concerns there.

You are a grown up, a parent, and capable of deciding for yourself whether or not you're going to cut your holiday short to please your controlling husband. I wouldn't.

Well that's how he seems to see it working.

He doesn't get to make unilateral decisions about how to spend family money AND also make unilateral decisions from a distance about the care of their children.

Either they make joint decisions about the children's welfare AND joint decisions about family spending, or each parent makes the decisions about the areas of responsibility that have been delegated to them.

Her husband can't have it both ways.

@NoWinnersOnlyLosers why do you need to follow HIS orders? DH would not be happy if my Dad did it but we would decide together and he would support any decision that I made once we had talked it through

Yiu don’t want to go and I think this is a seminal moment in your relationship to push back and say so. That you appreciate his concern but yiu have handled it to your satisfaction and that you will return when you want and he has no right to make a unilateral decision

because if you can’t do the above it speaks volumes about the state and nature of your relationship and that the line between inflexible into controlling and abusive has been crossed

Don't get on the plane
Stay the full holiday
No man should tell you what to do
You dealt with it with your dad ,your DH had no right putting his foot down

You are minimising your dad’s actions because you don’t want to leave early and want to continue using your parents as childcare. Also depending on the country, you see it as not a big deal “just a flick”

Your child specifically told you because they saw it as a big deal. If it wasn’t a big deal they would have said nothing.

I understand why your h’s reaction is to get the kids away from there. It’s surprising that someone who is usually not involved in day to day stuff has the emotional reaction that you should have had. It’s interesting that he heard about this from your child - you knew deep down how he’d react, right?

Guarantee you'd be furious if your inlaws had done this

'Either they make joint decisions about the children's welfare ...'

To be able to make good joint decisions you have to be confided in first by your co- parent when your DD is hit on the head in a foreign country by an adult who is supposed to be minding them, and who is related to the other parent.

The DH wasn't confided in at all in this case, he had to hear about it from his children who are 1000s of miles away.... Then his self absorbed DW firstly tried to cover it up, and then, when outed, tried to minimise the incident (going along with her DF's version, you know the violent one's description of events , so no likelihood of minimisation there then !?), and subsequently try to highlight the children's fathers protective actions as a gross over reaction, and something only being done to affect the kids relationship with their grandparents!?

You know their relationship with the violent one & the sleeping childminder one from a foreign country!?!

How would you feel!?

Finally some sense!!

Sorry OP but I think I may side with your husband here. I would be absolutely livid if my child was physically harmed in any way, especially when I wasn’t there to stand up for them.

Although I agree that maybe he should have discussed changing the flights with you, but it’s clear he most likely acted in a moment of anger/passion.

Your father has caused this, that is the bottom line. How could you ever lay a finger on a child, let alone your grandchild who you hardly see? He has done it once, which means he can easily do it again.

She has sole parental responsibility for her children at the moment and she had dealt with the incident.

Look at the way her husband reacted and the way she describes his character and ask yourself whether you're really surprised that she doesn't tell him everything. It must be exhausting to be answerable to a man who does no parenting but still considers himself to be the sole arbiter when it comes to decisions affecting the whole family.

I also live abroad and have to travel to visit my parents. I also get exhausted and need a break in the holidays. I also like to take the opportunity to see the occasional friend I rarely get to see. I also don't 100% trust my parents to take care of my young children, which is something they aren't used to doing anymore. The difference is that my husband actually travels with us and gives me regular breaks from parenting himself, rather than relying on someone who isn't used to taking care of children to do it for him.

If he isn't going to take an active role in raising his own children then he needs to let his wife deal with any issues that arise as she sees fit. He is in absolutely no position to dictate that they get on the plane and come home, when she has already dealt with the issue.

If he doesn't trust her parenting then the solution is quite obvious. Next time he goes on holiday with them instead of leaving all the parenting up to his wife, as usual.

Theres a difference between a tap on the head, and a head slap. You need to get to the bottom of how severe it was and if your daughter was more shocked then playing up becuase of a tap, or if it was indeed a slap.
If it was a slap then clearly that is not ok and you clearly can not leave the kids eith the grandfather who is incapable and intollerent, possibly due to age if he has never been like this with you.
An actual slap is what you have decribed here. Was it an actual slap, or more of a tap.

Theres a difference between a tap on the head, and a head slap. You need to get to the bottom of how severe it was and if your daughter was more shocked then playing up becuase of a tap, or if it was indeed a slap.
If it was a slap then clearly that is not ok and you clearly can not leave the kids eith the grandfather who is incapable and intollerent, possibly due to age if he has never been like this with you.
An actual slap is what you have decribed here. Was it an actual slap, or more of a tap.

Well that's it, isn't it? So many people have a blind spot for their own parents and their behaviour. They'll minimise poor behaviour on their own side, and dramatize any perceived flaw in the in-laws.

You see it so often on here.

If DH was away with his parents, and you were at home working, and you heard of an incident of corporal punishment from the your father in law, there is no way you'd be accused of being controlling and an absent parent for acting unilaterally to get the children away.

I feel sorry for your child who may now be reluctant to speak up in future because the whole thing has been so badly handled.

There are a million different aspects to this and I know that you know your dad's reaction was over the top and unacceptable. However I also feel your desperation at the idea of returning from your holiday to... nothing. Just the same old same old with no support and no break. It's a shame you're being accused of minimising while your clear anguish is also being minimised.

I think this incident should encourage you to see if you can rethink how your life is being lived.

Not a chance in hell I'd be getting on that flight. If your husband thinks he can unilaterally control your movements like that, you'll need to start standing up for yourself.

You should be making sure that your dad apologises to your daughter as well, and explaining that he's of a generation where such things were normalised, but they're not anymore.

All this making out that OP's dad is some dangerous, child-beating monster is ridiculous. I feel sorry for children raised by people who react like this. The child would have likey forgotten all about it as soon as she got to the beach, but if some of you had your way she'd have been left with a memory of being removed from her her grandparents due to an 'assault' and flown home. All for a clip around there ear.

It's no wonder we've raised a generation of kids plagued with behavioral issues, who can't deal with any kind of verbal or physical conflict anymore.

Not fair and harsh
I feel for you OP
I think your husband is over reacting.
At flicker

Your husband is controlling.
He is delighted with the excuse.
Do not go home with him.
Rethink this relationship, it is not good.

This is what coercive control looks like.

Is he? Do you not there might be a middle ground like just keeping some distance between her dad and the child?