DH overreacting over

[NoWinnersOnlyLosers]

i will try to resume the situation:

I am on holiday at the moment visiting family (parents, siblings…)

I left my children yesterday with my parents so that I could catch up with friends over the weekend. Bear in mind I can only see them once a year and I am the default parent for my children and I don’t get a break, only ever when they are at school (if that counts).

On returning, my DD5 informed me while crying that her grandad told her off for dropping the remote and waking up grandma who was sleeping on the sofa in the living room. She also told me that she received a head slap for it but she cried for that.

I spoke to him and he admitted that it was a flick but was remorseful of what he did. I told him I expect this to never happen again as I have never laid a finger on them.

Now, my Dd informed her dad over a video call and she explained what happened. This didn’t sit well with him (which I understand) but he decided unilaterally to cut short our holiday by 2 weeks and book a flight for us.

He refused to talk to my parents and said he expects us to get on the plane well before our initial timeframe.

I asked my eldest child to explain what happened and if it was witnessed and the situation was explained and nothing more was added.

While I don’t accept the use of violence of any kind on children, my dad has never laid a hand on us and I feel it has developed in a molehill out of a grain of sand.

Now my eldest is crying that my husband has ruined the time with their grandparents.

My youngest is crying because she hasn’t been to the beach yet.

My mum is crying because she only gets to see us in summer.

I am equally devastated and angry as the time I have to decompress is gone and I have yet to organise plenty of things here.

My dad doesn’t know this yet as he was sleeping when all this was unfolding.

And my husband wants to impose and is a square man. He is difficult to convince otherwise and has spent money we don’t have to prove a point and damage my relationship with my parents with me being stuck in the middle.
He does not care about my family the same as he does not care about his side of the family.

WWYD?

I'll add that I see more passive language "I never get a break (from the kids)." Get a break, then, if you want a break. You may benefit from therapy if these aren't just wording issues and you see yourself as having so little agency of your own.

Something else that stood out to me was when you said your father had never hit you. It seems to me unusual that a man who'd never hit his own kids would flick a grandchild on the head. Is there any chance he's in early dementia or similar or should be evaluated? (Sometimes they get irritable and aggressive). Just a thought. In any case, I would not leave the children alone with your parents anymore during this visit. If your mother takes a nap again or whatever, that leaves your father in charge again. Nope to that imo. Best wishes.

Why the fuck would she be ok staying with a physical abuser

I find it hard to believe that's the first time your dad has ever hit a child, I'm going to be so real.

Also in what world is that a proportionate response, a child drops a remote and gets hit? Jesus I'm getting triggered just reading this.

If it is the first time then it's a slippery slope and it only gets worse from here. I personally would be absolutely fuming and I would leave. Get your mum to come and visit WITHOUT dad and she can watch the children whilst you have a break.

Because he’s in a different country. It sounds like OP has taken the children to visit her parents in a different country for the summer.

I wouldn’t have my 5yr old stay with anyone had smacked them in the head over such a tiny accident as dropping a TV remote. This isn’t normal at all. It speaks to bigger issues going on I’d not want my children around.

Two men... both pricks.

You are there, your husband is not. You have sorted it and no doubt will be more careful about leaving the kids with your father

i would not be going home early, the kids haven’t done what they want, they want to see more of the grandparents, and if you do go home early your kids will remember that

I would speak to your husband once everything has calmed down, tell him to try and get a refund on the tickets, it’s your down time as well as the kids and he has to trust you it’s sorted

Do you work OP? I ask as you say you don’t ever get a break but then say you do when the children are at school.

Hell would freeze before I left my children with a grandparent that smacked them in the head. I find it hard to believe he’s never done this type of thing before, people don’t just suddenly hit small children over an accident. I truly don’t get a break as my youngest isn’t school age, I still wouldn’t leave them alone with someone that’s been violent, so how much of a break are you now actually going to get there?

you don't have to do what your husband says.

is there anyone else you can stay with in the country you are in for the holiday? or even take an AirBnB for 2 weeks? then you can stay in holiday country and do the beach and see grandma but not have to stay in the same house

I also think there is a bit of a difference between grandpa tapping dd on the head and she cries from surprise (not pain) and grandpa hitting her with force that causes pain. which was it?

A flick on the head is hardly bad. Husband is massively overreacting

How old are your parents, @NoWinnersOnlyLosers ?

A difficult situation. If your DD5 is happy to stay, it’s a shame your Dad won’t get the chance to try to repair the damage he has done to the relationship with his grandchildren.

And what’s going to happen next year? Are you going to be able to come without your husband protesting?

It was your call and your DP is undermining your position. Hard to know what a “head slap” is though. Like was it a relatively soft cuff?

What's a square man?

Anyway if your dad is hitting your kids then it's right you should leave the house.

Can you just go to a hotel/ air b&b with them for the rest of the trip, and maybe see your mum separately? Rather than booking new flights?

But make it clear your dad isn't going to be seeing them and you're not staying in their house if he's there.

Exactly this.

You still have your flights? Ask your dh to choose- you fly earlier and he takes over at home for 2 weeks while you get a break, or you stay, as your parents have apologised. But they cannot hit them. Ever.

if they are both at school and you don’t work that … doesn’t sound exhausting though?

If you feel that it's the safe and sensible option to stay, then I think you need to speak to your father and ask him to explain what happened directly to your DH. If, after speaking, your DH is still insistent that he doesn't want the DC around your father, perhaps your father could go and stay elsewhere for the duration of your visit. You could then continue your holiday, but your father is the one "punished", rather than you and your DC.

FWIW, my dad clipped us round the ear when we were small, but he never hit my DC, as he knew we didn't. I think if the same situation had happened to us, I would have been very angry initially, but if I was convinced it was a one off, I would have stayed. I have to admit though, if DH was visiting his DPs with the DC and one of them hit our child, I'd probably have felt similarly to your DH, although I wouldn't have insisted on them returning immediately, but would have wanted to speak directly to the "hitter" to ensure they knew it was not to happen again.

Hopefully tempers will cool, apologies will follow, and you and your DH will be able to work together to find a solution whereby each of you is happy.

Hmmm, there are a few perspectives to this story and they're all interesting imho.

Firstly, the OP, as another poster has pointed out is very passive, and worryingly quite dismissive about a ' flick across the head' of a 5 year old child for simply dropping a remote...
(I might say something else if the child kicked granny , or was being deliberately unkind or cruel in some way, (not that these would totally excuse it) but for a bit of a clumsy handling accident, jeez!?)

Then, the husband, stuck at home, assumedly working & probably paying for all this, in another country, hearing about his poor little 5 year daughter getting struck by his wife's dad, from his other daughter on a video call.... also maybe that the said same wife hadn't mentioned it already when he had spoken with her assumedly, or possibly even the daughter hinted her mother hadn't done much about it also. Some posters are saying he is overeacting, however unless there was a wholehearted apology to the child and to both of her parents, with a sincere promise that this was an impulsive, one off mistake, which will never, ever happen again, then tbh, I think he has a right to do what he's trying to do. I.e. to protect his daughters from his wife's father, (i.e. his temper) especially when his wife is so blooming passive, and accepting of poor behaviour, and seems far more interested in continuing with the vacation & catch up than addressing a nasty incident that was inflicted on their 5 yr old daughter by her dad.

And the OP stating that the husband is only trying to ruin her & the kids relationship with her parents. Well sorry, this is just so self absorbed and deluded thinking by the OP in this case imho.

Thirdly, the grand parents may well like to see their grand kids but perhaps they don't want or need to be left with all of them. They may well find them over whelming & tiring (we know granny was asleep) and grandad may have made a bad impulsive error at the end of his tether. Sorry the OP sounds more than a little self absorbed so she may not have noticed how imposing & wearing their staying with the grandparents is on the older couple.

There is also the 5 year old daughter's perspective, I'd say she was quite shocked but I think any idea of asking her about staying on & making it her decision is simply stupid. I mean she's already had enough crap without having the pressure of calling the holiday short put on her. That's a dumb idea.

Basically, the OP needs to woman the fup up and fast. She needs to get to the bottom of this, get a sincere apology to the child and her & the child's dad from her father, and if her parents are indeed overwhelmed she needs to make other arrangements for her family holiday now & quickly.

She also needs to stop dumpling her kids with other people while on a family holiday and keep her husband in the loop on the comings & goings of each day so he doesn't have to hear from another (possibly endangered) party about his 5 year old daughter getting hit across the head for nothing!!!

My children would not be staying even one more day in a house where they had been hit , your daughter is 5 she dropped a remote & a grown man's reaction was to slap her,its unacceptable you should absolutely be leaving.its pretty disgusting that you want to stay there still .

She wouldn’t know because she was out with friends and her 5yr old was alone with grandad as grandma was sleeping. It sounds like he hit her hard on the head and she cried. Shes only 5 and was upset enough to remember and tell her Dad on a later call. Anyone with children that age knows they get over and move on from things first so she was obviously upset! And I understand why her Dad has reacted and asked for the kids to come home. I wouldn’t want my child upset in a house with someone that hit them and hadn’t even bloody apologized! WTF OP?

Presumably her husband is the working parent and can’t just take 2 weeks off with no notice. Unrealistic!

Wow your husband is showing you up - you look like a crappy parent in gaslighting him into thinking he’s making a big deal of something terrible, and an enabler and apologist. You don’t give someone a second chance to do something a second time. What example are you setting for your daughter never mind not protecting her. I actually misread at first and thought it was hand slap. He hit her on the head and you aren’t furious. Shame on you.

What age is your Dad, is he elderly? You say he never laid a hand on you growing up...
It sounds like he is too old to be minding small children. My own gorgeous father became very short tempered when elderly and wouldn't have been able for small children... he may (like my father ) have undiagnosed early dementia,/Parkinson's or something like that... They were managing small children they were not used to and his wife was sleeping so she was clearly exhausted from it (is she unwell?)

if you've previously had a good relationship with your parents I would push back on your DH and stay (him making unilateral decisions i would find unacceptable). But needless to say I wouldn't leave your children alone with your parents again, they are clearly not able for it.

During your children's childhood you get the opportunity to model to them what is and is not acceptable that they put up with.
You can either give them the boundaries to protect themselves and be away from people who hurt them, or you can teach them that it's OK if someone they love, and expect to love them back hits them, because they've said sorry.

Yes, husbands reaction will feel like he's controlling, but he is showing strong protection instincts of your daughter that you are not.

You need to get on that plane, and never leave your children unattended with your father again, because this is a situation that will shape her expectations in the future....

Please understand that if this is something that is just moved on from and accepted, she's so much more likely to be in a domestically violent relationship when she's older, because she's going to learn, it's OK to be hit if they say sorry.

This 110%

My dad used to smack me when I was young if I did something bad
my first serious relationship when I was 19 was with someone who was physically abusive
I’m sure the 2 things were related

Your father sounds a worry but your domineering husband sounds a much bigger worry.

I can't offer any advice but suspect there'll be worsening drama ahead.

This

So your child was physically assaulted by your dad no bother what a physical assault on a child perfectly fine yet your husband trying to protect said child how dare he