DH overreacting over

[NoWinnersOnlyLosers]

i will try to resume the situation:

I am on holiday at the moment visiting family (parents, siblings…)

I left my children yesterday with my parents so that I could catch up with friends over the weekend. Bear in mind I can only see them once a year and I am the default parent for my children and I don’t get a break, only ever when they are at school (if that counts).

On returning, my DD5 informed me while crying that her grandad told her off for dropping the remote and waking up grandma who was sleeping on the sofa in the living room. She also told me that she received a head slap for it but she cried for that.

I spoke to him and he admitted that it was a flick but was remorseful of what he did. I told him I expect this to never happen again as I have never laid a finger on them.

Now, my Dd informed her dad over a video call and she explained what happened. This didn’t sit well with him (which I understand) but he decided unilaterally to cut short our holiday by 2 weeks and book a flight for us.

He refused to talk to my parents and said he expects us to get on the plane well before our initial timeframe.

I asked my eldest child to explain what happened and if it was witnessed and the situation was explained and nothing more was added.

While I don’t accept the use of violence of any kind on children, my dad has never laid a hand on us and I feel it has developed in a molehill out of a grain of sand.

Now my eldest is crying that my husband has ruined the time with their grandparents.

My youngest is crying because she hasn’t been to the beach yet.

My mum is crying because she only gets to see us in summer.

I am equally devastated and angry as the time I have to decompress is gone and I have yet to organise plenty of things here.

My dad doesn’t know this yet as he was sleeping when all this was unfolding.

And my husband wants to impose and is a square man. He is difficult to convince otherwise and has spent money we don’t have to prove a point and damage my relationship with my parents with me being stuck in the middle.
He does not care about my family the same as he does not care about his side of the family.

WWYD?

Did you a gulag read the post. Talk about exaggeration

Your DH should have properly discussed booking a flight with you first... but I think if I were him I'd have done the same thing. I'd not tolerate any violence towards our children from his family.
HOWEVER you need to have words with him about being the default parent and how little of a break you get. You've had to rely on your parents... where has he been? If he doesn't want the kids round your dad now, which is understandable, what is he going to put in place instead? Is he going to step up himself or sort something else out? Now that he's booked you a flight home what is his plan for the kids holiday? Or has he just done this and is expecting you to now deal with all the fallout?
You need to have proper words with him about his lack of general input in parenting and how that's effecting you and how that has lead to this situation.

@NoWinnersOnlyLosers i think you have made it clear to your dad that it’s never to happen again .

Now you have to stand up to your controlling husband .
No i will not be returning early . No I have the children ALL the time .
No this is my holiday
No this is my family I am staying
No this is my life choice
No this is the kids holiday and they want to stay.

Then tell your husband if the control doesn’t stop and he doesn’t step up you are over .

Not sure what a gulag is, but yes total exaggeration.

By the end it'll be "so your father hit, punched and threatened to kill your child's kitten and you are STILL THERE??? Get social services involved and go NC!"

It seems the granddad flicked the back of her head, not hit/slapped but flicked - like you would flick a piece of hair out of your eyes. As the other child attested to. Not the 5 year old who had a little telling off and was upset.

It's the not discussing it just booking that I dont like almost like he doesn't trust you to keep the child safe uou might have chosen to come home early anyway but he should have given you the chance to see what measures you would put in place before taking over like that

Sorry but the second anyone hit my child they wouldn’t be seeing them if of booked the flights myself.

If my dh was away with the children and his parent hit one of our children I’d be questioning the person I married if their first reaction wasn’t to get the children away from them and to keep them away.

This really did turn from a slap to a flick real quick.

i cannot imagine the rage i would feel if my child’s grandparent laid a finger on her. Your husband has certainly been reactive, but I don’t blame him.

my partners mum used to look after our children. She’s currently not, because she made them feel uncomfortable with her actions, was given the chance to apologise and didn’t, so now they are currently only seeing her with their dad present. If she’d slapped/flicked them, that wouldn’t even be happening.
show your children you have their back OP.
right now it’s reading as if you getting a break is more important.
also, how many errands do you have to run whilst you are on holiday??

Also you didn’t tell him you left it for a child. Makes it look like you’re covering it up and minimising. It’s now gone from a slap to a flick.

I would be seriously questioning if I was him.

"...almost like he doesn't trust you to keep the child safe...

Well, maybe he doesn't.

So the parent removing their child who's been assaulted when the other parent did nothing is the one who's ruined the holiday?
Not the GP who struck the 5yo?

No, that doesn't matter, he hit her. Your husband hasn't ruined your holiday, your father has.

Yes, basically "I'm ok with my child being hit because I want a break". Poor children.

My dad raised his voice at my toddler once and got in his face with a wagging finger just for opening a cupboard door. I was up and in between them so fast! And told my dad he was never to do that again. I also never got a break and had no support but I would never leave my kids with someone who shouted at them, let alone hit them!

This. Your father behaved very badly but your husband had no right to act unilaterally. There were other ways to safeguard your children. Your husband is behaving like you can't manage situations at all. Shame on him.

The definition of "violence" seems to have changed a lot since I was a kid!

This seems very much like your DH being overcontrolling and perhaps even wanting to throw a spanner in the works with your family.

I am still thinking about this. My husband was raised in a household of 'taps' or 'flicks' or 'other words that mean being hit but are somehow less awful' and we had a very clear conversation with his parents from day 1 that we would not tolerate anything like this. Nothing. Not once, not ever.

We don't have childcare either (we are immigrants) but we also don't let anyone touch our children. So both can be true at the same time.

I would 100% be done with my parents and would have called my husband that very day and explained my plan going forward - never leaving them there, staying in the room whenever they were together, or coming up with a plan together that we were both comfortable with. If I talked to my young child and heard about this from them and my husband hadn't mentioned it I would lose my mind so I'm team husband here all the way 'for this particular situation'

I would also rethink our situation at home to make sure I had a bit of time to myself and wasn't this desperate to see a friend I left my children in this unsafe situation.

Yet he leaves the children with her 24/7 at home? You dont get to scream unfit parent when your pretty frigging absent

That's not what she said

I absolutely wouldn’t be going back to DH, nobody makes decisions for me, but I also wouldn’t be staying with a person that hits my children.

I would probably be off staying somewhere lovely so the kids got to go to the beach and enjoy their holiday, I’d let DH stew for being controlling.

I've missed that part

Where is it?

You as their capable parent have assessed the situation and decided it’s fine and that you and the kids would like to stay.

Your DH isn’t there and so he cannot assess the situation and does not get a say.

Tell him you will not be returning home early.

The saddest part of this is that your DCs won’t tell you/your DH things in the future because of the overreaction.
This could have serious repercussions if they’re getting bullied or SA and already feel worried about telling someone.

I'm worried this little girl isn't being believed.

She says it was a head slap.

The grandad has an obvious reason to say it was only a flick and so does her sister, because she's upset at possibly having to go home early.

But what if she's telling the truth?

Either way, even a 'flick' across the back of the head is a spontaneous violent reaction and if he can't control his impulses, he shouldn't be around small children.

Well I doubt the situation of someone hitting their child and mum having a 'meh' reaction has come up before...

It's literally there in the quote I was replying to?

Is your husband not the father of your eldest child ?

' Now my eldest is crying that my husband has ruined the time with their grandparents.'

I understand what you mean, but it seems quite likely that the dad hasn't had reason to lack confidence in the mum in this way before. I imagine its the first time his kids have been in a different country, assaulted by their relatives, and their mum minimizing it...