DH overreacting over

[NoWinnersOnlyLosers]

i will try to resume the situation:

I am on holiday at the moment visiting family (parents, siblings…)

I left my children yesterday with my parents so that I could catch up with friends over the weekend. Bear in mind I can only see them once a year and I am the default parent for my children and I don’t get a break, only ever when they are at school (if that counts).

On returning, my DD5 informed me while crying that her grandad told her off for dropping the remote and waking up grandma who was sleeping on the sofa in the living room. She also told me that she received a head slap for it but she cried for that.

I spoke to him and he admitted that it was a flick but was remorseful of what he did. I told him I expect this to never happen again as I have never laid a finger on them.

Now, my Dd informed her dad over a video call and she explained what happened. This didn’t sit well with him (which I understand) but he decided unilaterally to cut short our holiday by 2 weeks and book a flight for us.

He refused to talk to my parents and said he expects us to get on the plane well before our initial timeframe.

I asked my eldest child to explain what happened and if it was witnessed and the situation was explained and nothing more was added.

While I don’t accept the use of violence of any kind on children, my dad has never laid a hand on us and I feel it has developed in a molehill out of a grain of sand.

Now my eldest is crying that my husband has ruined the time with their grandparents.

My youngest is crying because she hasn’t been to the beach yet.

My mum is crying because she only gets to see us in summer.

I am equally devastated and angry as the time I have to decompress is gone and I have yet to organise plenty of things here.

My dad doesn’t know this yet as he was sleeping when all this was unfolding.

And my husband wants to impose and is a square man. He is difficult to convince otherwise and has spent money we don’t have to prove a point and damage my relationship with my parents with me being stuck in the middle.
He does not care about my family the same as he does not care about his side of the family.

WWYD?

I'm sorry but I still agree with your husband. You are obviously presenting yourself as the only fair and balanced one, which I suppose is natural enough, but I'm not buying it. I also am shocked by how you describe your daughter.

Gawd OP,

I dunno it's kinda 1 step forward ,2 steps back with you right thru this thread tbh...

Firstly, putting the kids on the phone first when there had been an incident and a situation where one of your children was still visibly & audibly upset was just plain dumb & ignorant, by you.

Not telling your DH first in a calm, sober manner was inconsiderate and stupid, by you.

Also not calmly discussing putting a plan of action in place to mitigate any fall out & damage from this incident & preventing any future incidents with him as your DH, was just inconsiderate, self absorbed & stupid imho.

Allowing your parents babysit, when your mum falls asleep while on the job, and your dad lashes out at your 5 y o child dd's head for a trivial matter, reeks of really lousy judgement also. Were there really no signs of this kind of thing ever likely to happen previously!?!....
(No Granny asleep, no narky remarks to a slightly errant child, nothing..... hmmmm)

And then you write:

I said to my husband to talk to my dad and he refused. To talk to my mum and he refused

It's not up to your DH to talk to your violating dad, it's up to your dad to apologise whole heartedly to your child, to your DH & to your self, to try to mitigate the damage from this. But he hasn't really, has he?! he says he regrets it to you apparently, but then also downplays the incident , that isn't a whole & complete apology at all. And it was only made to one party of 3 concerned. Like really concerned....

Your DH may know or sense this also. And frankly you come across as a self absorbed apologist for lousy behaviour, just cos you need your holiday....

And equally, why would he talk to your mum? She was bloody well asleep while his daughter was getting hit across the head by her husband for dropping a blooming remote control in their house which is 1000s of miles from him. Your mum should be texting him to apologise for her (non) role in this imho, i.e. for falling asleep while looking after his kids, to try to reassure him they won't be babysitting the kids again on their own, and that his children will be safe on their holidays going forwards, despite her husband & the Mother's father needlessly hitting the 5yo DD across the head for nothing, despite her being asleep while she was supposed to be looking after the kids, despite the GF & the daughter trying to downplay the incident (in her own interests only it has to be said), despite the mother & his wife not informing him of the incident immediately & discussing what to do calmly, & despite that he had to hear from one of the children, and despite the fact that his wife & mother of his kids just thinks he is just over reacting, and only trying to negatively affect the relationship between his children and their bad tempered, potentially harmful GF, their neglectful GM and their passive, self absorbed mother who simply never gets a break.

Yeah right OP - get a grip, you've acted like a self pitying muppet here, who's putting the holiday ahead of their children's welfare. That's why your DH is reacting to protect your & his children , because you haven't & are not!!

Get it yet!?

Jesus fucking christ, this site.

I feel so sorry for kids growing up nowdays. What a bloody bunch of soft touch losers most of you are.

Granny was sleeping, kid dropped the remote, grand-dad reached out and "clipped" the kid (sounds like an old fashioned cuffing on the back of the head? He didnt punch or slap in the face.

Calling his an "abuser" - do me favor and get a grip.

OP - stop reading this nonsense replies. You sound like a great mum dedicated to your kids and you've told yr dad and he wont do it again.

Tell your DH, they are your parents, your holiday, your rules.

Don't get on the flight, @NoWinnersOnlyLosers.

If you do, your husband will think he can call the shots all the time. His controlling behaviour will get even worse.

He needs to learn an expensive lesson, which is that he doesn't get to make unilateral decisions affecting the whole family without your agreement.

If someone tells you about a situation which upset them and starts crying in the process that is not "performance crying"
Your poor daughter

One of my DC once cried at around that age because the biscuit they ate had been eaten.

Did your 5 yo child also get hit across the head by their GF, with the GM asleep, while under their sole care in their house, 1000s of miles from home in a foreign country without either of their parents about!?

Did you then also post about the 5 yo child's " performative crying", downpplay the incident, where she got smacked across the head for nothing significant, not tell their father at all, only for him to have to hear from one of their very upset children later, and then post on line about his apparent "over reaction", and openly questioning his motives for acting to protect his kids & get them home ASAP!?!

Just to be absolutely clear, I was simply commenting that it is possible for a 5 year old to cry over "just a flick" IME.

But it shouldn’t be a unilateral decision and there are some worrying signs in how the OP describes her relationship and the decision making process.

Her DH should have A say, he should be part of the discussion he shouldn’t have the right to just say come home now that is it without working out the best way forward for the family.

Like fuck would I be getting on that plane.

Am sorry this has happened. Agree with pp's too this might mean your DDs are reluctant to tell you both things in future, well your DH especially. Its not been handled very well at all.

Absolutely. And she needs to be careful that he doesn't end up isolating her from her parents. But I think she is aware.

As someone who currently has an issue with my DP’s parent’s treatment of my child I can assure you that I have no desire to isolate him from them, only to protect my own children. He is free to see them as and when he chooses. We don’t know that OP’s DH won’t have the same mindset.
It’s quite the reach to jump to the assumption of DA based purely on this instance.

Sure. But in this case he couldn't?

V. V. IMPORTANT:

The OP and children have their own separate accommodation!!!!!!!!!!

There is therefore no reason for them to have to cut their holiday short.

They can happily enjoy their holiday and do admin stuff, and see grandma away from grandad.

Problem solved.

So you are still intending to get on the earlier flights that your husband booked? Why?

You don't want to go home early and nor do your children. You have your own accommodation separate from your parents' house so it should be perfectly possible to either do things separately from your parents or to be with your children all the time whenever you do drop in on them.

That would take any perceived risk away, surely.

Find your backbone and tell your DH that you and the children will be completing your holiday as originally planned and won't be on his rearranged flights, you will be taking the original ones.

Find your backbone again and reiterate to your Dad that if either of them ever raises a hand to either of your children then they will not see them again. Point out to both of them that because this has happened at all you no longer feel able to allow unsupervised access to the grandchildren.

Just DO that and complete your holiday.

she is devastated that we have the return flight sooner.

So are you by the sound of things. So tell DH that you WON'T be getting the earlier flights. Don't be railroaded by him.

I wouldn't be going earlier. Tell him that you can and will keep the children safe at your own accommodation and with only supervised visits and outings with your parents from now onwards.

No pleading with DH, just say it and then do it.

I would absolutely hit the roof if my childs dad thought it was acceptable to keep him somewhere other adults slap them. I can't believe you didn't arrange to leave yourself.

Remember that she isn't staying with her parents.

She has her own separate accommodation elsewhere with her children so they aren't even in the same house. Just visiting them. It will be perfectly possible to keep the children safe without the drama of earlier flights.

DH may mean well, but if he were mine he would be told to bugger off and stop meddling because I am capable of making my own decisions and will do so whatever he thinks.

and won't be on his rearranged flights, you will be taking the original ones.

He has probably cancelled to original ones & paid to change them.

Presumably Op could cancel the new flights though, money permitting.

I think that the OP is an adult and as such she should be the one making the parenting decisions 'on the ground' and also whether to cut short her trip and fly home.

As I understand it, the OP has made her decision based on her knowledge of the situation and her knowledge of her father and his history. That should be the end of the matter; her issue is now with her husband, who has unilaterally decided that she and the children are coming home, whether they like it or not.

To me, that would be unacceptable.

Children can overreact and cry when something happens that startles them, and telling Daddy is another example of that. If the OP is sure that she has made her position clear and that her father is not to have sole charge at any point from now on, then I think she should stay and not cut short the holiday. I imagine if the little girl were asked if she wanted to return home, she would say no. If she were frightened and felt threatened, the OP would surely see that and decide to go home. This does not seem to be the case.

Completely forget the poor child the mum is the real victim n the grandad is also the victim and the husband is obviously the perp here child is obviously irrelevant in this according to mn husband cares for his child MN quick light the torches and grab the pitchforks that child needs to be with a mother who doesn't give a toss

Agree, it's embarrassing that there are women on this site who are so desperate to prove that women are always the maligned victim that they are cheering on leaving children with people who have assaulted them, just to prove a point... 'dh isn't in charge.. you tell him!!"...🙄

“The amount of people judging without seeing is astounding.”

But you didn’t see either did you? BOTH your children recounted the what started as a head slap, but now downplayed to a little flick, and your daughter was so upset she told her dad.

Don’t listen to people on here whether you are a good parent. Your daughter will let you know when she is an adult

I'm not sure what 'a flick to the head' even is? Is this something people do to children that annoy them generally? I don't think anyone has ever given my children a flick to the head.

So you condone violence on a child. Got it.