DH overreacting over

[NoWinnersOnlyLosers]

i will try to resume the situation:

I am on holiday at the moment visiting family (parents, siblings…)

I left my children yesterday with my parents so that I could catch up with friends over the weekend. Bear in mind I can only see them once a year and I am the default parent for my children and I don’t get a break, only ever when they are at school (if that counts).

On returning, my DD5 informed me while crying that her grandad told her off for dropping the remote and waking up grandma who was sleeping on the sofa in the living room. She also told me that she received a head slap for it but she cried for that.

I spoke to him and he admitted that it was a flick but was remorseful of what he did. I told him I expect this to never happen again as I have never laid a finger on them.

Now, my Dd informed her dad over a video call and she explained what happened. This didn’t sit well with him (which I understand) but he decided unilaterally to cut short our holiday by 2 weeks and book a flight for us.

He refused to talk to my parents and said he expects us to get on the plane well before our initial timeframe.

I asked my eldest child to explain what happened and if it was witnessed and the situation was explained and nothing more was added.

While I don’t accept the use of violence of any kind on children, my dad has never laid a hand on us and I feel it has developed in a molehill out of a grain of sand.

Now my eldest is crying that my husband has ruined the time with their grandparents.

My youngest is crying because she hasn’t been to the beach yet.

My mum is crying because she only gets to see us in summer.

I am equally devastated and angry as the time I have to decompress is gone and I have yet to organise plenty of things here.

My dad doesn’t know this yet as he was sleeping when all this was unfolding.

And my husband wants to impose and is a square man. He is difficult to convince otherwise and has spent money we don’t have to prove a point and damage my relationship with my parents with me being stuck in the middle.
He does not care about my family the same as he does not care about his side of the family.

WWYD?

I know, it is utterly pathetic and ridiculous.

I find it worrying the amount of people who think a man controlling his family is okay. The fact that OP has to obey her husband is okay
A lot of you would get on well with my soon to be ex. He believes women should do exactly as they're told too.

Do you not understand yet , or do you simply not want to understand yet!?

The DH no longer trusts the care of his & her children abroad solely with their mother. And he's right imho.

And the reasons why?

A. The mother, OP & his DW left their children in the care of her father & her mother while she went off socialising with friends.

B. Her mother feel asleep while minding these kids in her home !?

C. The mother's dad then hit the DH's 5 yo dd around the head.... for accidentally dropping a blooming remote control!!

D. The mother's father (the GF) then said that he regretted hitting the 5 yo child across their head apparently, but also tried to minimise what the incident was, and never apologised directly, to either the child, or to the child's father. Like wtf!?

E. The child's mother went along with her dad's account of the incident, & downplays the incident to 'a flick at the back of the head', or some other minimising crap, while also accusing her child of "performative crying" on a habitual basis !? Like hello!?
(Please note both children confirmted what actually happened)

F. The self absorbed mother then decides not to tell her DH at all. So he's hijust working away at home paying for all this & more, so that he instead hears from his obviously very upset daughter about it all when he checks in that evening instead....

G. The DW then accuses him of over reacting and questions his motives for trying to protect his daughter from her passivity and her family!?

Is it not clearly obvious that the DH simply no longer trusts his DW, or members of her family, to look after his children & to protect their welfare & best interests when they are overseas & 1000s of miles from him & home?!

And with the kind of stuff that the passive, self absorbed mother has since posted here about the incident, about what she did & hasn't done, and about her reactions to both her daughters depiction of the events, and their upset reactions , and about the DH's reaction to hearing all of this from his distraught daughter- who on this thread, based on what has been written by the OP, could honestly blame him!?

The OP is far more worried about her holiday & her much desired break getting disrupted than her daughter's welfare. That much is surely very clear to all !?

In Comparison to a man who hits children.

So if I had to pick a man who demands and controls that I bring our child home safely

or a man that hits my child.

I know which one I’m picking.

Op already on holiday left her children in the care of her two adult parents. One fell asleep watching a 5 year old. The other hit the five year old. All so op could see friends.

Husband wants his children home so they are safe.

Husband is the bad person in this entire situation? 😂😂 hilarious

Nope an environment run by fear and control is just as damaging as one run by physical violence.

neither should be the man picked and that is key here.

I don’t think anyone is condoning the grandfather but taking away any agency from the OP and her daughter and making demands as to what they do isn’t good either

Jeez your posts are so pompous. The mum is staying at separate accomodation from her parents.

It’s been said before but I can just imagine the outrage if the op was a mother whose dh had taken their children abroad to visit his parents and this scenario unfolded.

I cannot believe that any of you wouldn't want your child back home if the first you heard about an incident like this was them crying down the phone to you about it. You'd at least expect your spouse to have told you, and reassured you it was in hand!
If this is an overreaction, I think it's an understandable one.

It isn’t about whether the other parent would want them home - it is about what is best for the children and the family and making a decision together that everyone agrees with

not issuing and order and expecting it to be followed

the fact she didn’t tell him as well is telling because she knew what would happen.

so the question isn’t what we would do in this situation but would we be happy for our spouse to make the decision unilaterally for us. Because I wouldn’t but I know it wouldn’t happen

the fact is most of us would expect a conversation to occur with yes the immediate reaction being let’s fly home and then probably given the situation let’s give it a couple of days to cool off and revisit them with the OP keeping the children at the separate accommodation and play it by ear

That's your take on this...?
That his saying get my child away from someone who assaulted them is controlling?

Based on what the OP has said and what she has hinted at - yes! She is married to an older controlling man who demanded rather than discussed and talked it through with her

she has separate accommodation so could spend the next two days doing fun stuff with her daughters not making them feel punished for telling the truth

neither the husband/OP or grandparents should be the centre for the decision the children should and giving a couple of days is right for them IMO otherwise they may feel punished for telling the truth.

a knee jerk reaction is often/can be the wrong one. Given space easily occur some time and perspective to make a decision going forward and one together is always the best option

Where is this 'punished for telling the truth' coming from.
If someone assaulted me, I.wouldn't see not having to deal with them as 'punishment'!

A knee jerk reaction is getting in a huff because someone was late and drunk and ruined a meal out Or something trivial and heading home. I think if anyone thinks it’s safe to leave their children with someone who has hit their child on the head, and hope for the best it doesn’t happen again, then you can see why so many children need safeguarding and protecting from abuse. Also, why so many people end up troubled and in therapy as adults because they simply weren’t protected as children. A PP callled that attitude as being “sad losers.” Making themselves look like a loser speaking like that. This isn’t America - who calls people losers, anyway?

The OP sounds rather manipulative. She’s the main carer. She never gets a break. Woe. Woe. Woe. She’s calm. She’s reasonable. She never, puts a foot wrong. When people try to make out they are perfect….they are always the most flawed.

Nobody thinks that OP has to ‘obey’ her DH, they’re shocked that she doesn’t agree with him that their child shouldn’t be around someone that hit her! Most mothers would be booking the flight themselves.

Having separate accommodation doesn’t matter as so many people keep saying. She doesn’t see the issue with her father being around them again as she clearly just wants the break. Her mother being there doesn’t matter as she could fall asleep again and the same thing could happen.

I split up with my ex for doing the same to my son. You have two choices. You can go home or you can stay with them and not leave the kids with them. Personally I would leave

It sounds like the only break she gets is when she's away. I think given they aren't staying with her parents and the fact she can make sure the children are never alone with her parents it would be fine m
Her husband sounds so controlling. Others might think it's normal for him to book flights home with zero discussion but it really isn't. It's a slippery slope and I'm willing to bet it's not the only thing he's controlling over.

I don't think your dh is overreacting, I think you are under reacting, probably because you've normalized your df's violence.

I'm not saying I would fly home (this is your decision ultimately) but you cannot possibly leave your dc unsupervised with someone who's previously been physically abusive to one of them.

This wasn't even under much stress, or any extenuating circumstances. Dripping a remote is nothing, hitting your dc in response is absolutely outrageous. Your df is an abuser.

Yes she is apparently, but she was also staying at separate accommodation when her poor 5 yo dd was slapped across the head by her GF too !?

And, notice she has not said that she won't leave the kids with the grandparents again.... - like hello!?
(Cos she plans to)

She has since tried to label her 5 yo daughter , you know the one that got slapped across the head for nothing , by the Mother's father while she was out socialising, as a "performative crier" or some other bs!? - like wtf?!

And then she didn't tell her DH about the incident at all. Why!?

And so he had to hear from his very upset 5 yo daughter, about how her GF had hit her across the head while in their care, 1000s of miles from home with the GM asleep & the mother out socialising

He then insists on them coming home but she maintains he's over reacting and is older than her.... like relevance??

Yeah right, he simply no longer trusts his wife to protect their children's welfare, with her absent, tired (drinking?) granny and angry, hitting grand father as child minders ,1000s of miles from him & home , because she values not disrupting her holiday plans more than maintaining their kids welfare.

The OP is a self absorbed, passive muppet imho, and the DH sounds like he's so worried about his kids welfare that he has to book their flights home himself, at significant extra expense - cos she won’t, cos she needs the break, cos ' it was only a flick', cos the GF regrets it happened apparently (but hasn't seen got to apologise to the poor child or the child's father while he's at it), cos the child is a 'performative crier' apparently, cos the 'DH is overeacting' apparently, yeah right he is!?

He is acting like a very concerned parent and she has & is acting like a self absorbed, self pitying, careless, wilfully neglectful mother while she's on 'her holidays'.

Sorry, but the facts and the Op's posts all illustrate this clearly....

I agree with this post. 👌

My husband is also older and has form for taking unilateral decisions without considering anyone else, he thinks he knows best.

Thank fuck I'm divorced.

By not telling him she's made it looks like she's not too bothered.
If she had said "we arent seeing my parents again while we are here because df... " and then he still insisted they come home then that would be wrong, but I understand his reaction as it is.

No, I wouldn't be happy if my partner made decisions like that for me, but I wouldnt put him in a position that makes him question my own ability to keep my child safe!

Absolutely imagine being married to someone who didn't give a shit your 5 yo was assaulted and accused your child of performance crying from that.
What a shitty parent that is!

I'd have packed up and taken myself and children away before even phoning DH. I wouldn't take that from one of my parents now (who did smack me and siblings as children), and I'm afraid I'd probably have resorted to more than just words if I'd come home and found one of them laid a finger on one of my children.
And if my husband called to say one of his parents did it, I'd have insisted they come home too. And if he said no, I'd go out to collect them. I don't care who it is, absolutely no one gets to touch one of my children in anger.