DH overreacting over

[NoWinnersOnlyLosers]

i will try to resume the situation:

I am on holiday at the moment visiting family (parents, siblings…)

I left my children yesterday with my parents so that I could catch up with friends over the weekend. Bear in mind I can only see them once a year and I am the default parent for my children and I don’t get a break, only ever when they are at school (if that counts).

On returning, my DD5 informed me while crying that her grandad told her off for dropping the remote and waking up grandma who was sleeping on the sofa in the living room. She also told me that she received a head slap for it but she cried for that.

I spoke to him and he admitted that it was a flick but was remorseful of what he did. I told him I expect this to never happen again as I have never laid a finger on them.

Now, my Dd informed her dad over a video call and she explained what happened. This didn’t sit well with him (which I understand) but he decided unilaterally to cut short our holiday by 2 weeks and book a flight for us.

He refused to talk to my parents and said he expects us to get on the plane well before our initial timeframe.

I asked my eldest child to explain what happened and if it was witnessed and the situation was explained and nothing more was added.

While I don’t accept the use of violence of any kind on children, my dad has never laid a hand on us and I feel it has developed in a molehill out of a grain of sand.

Now my eldest is crying that my husband has ruined the time with their grandparents.

My youngest is crying because she hasn’t been to the beach yet.

My mum is crying because she only gets to see us in summer.

I am equally devastated and angry as the time I have to decompress is gone and I have yet to organise plenty of things here.

My dad doesn’t know this yet as he was sleeping when all this was unfolding.

And my husband wants to impose and is a square man. He is difficult to convince otherwise and has spent money we don’t have to prove a point and damage my relationship with my parents with me being stuck in the middle.
He does not care about my family the same as he does not care about his side of the family.

WWYD?

But from ops reaction, does he trust that she will not leave the kids alone with her parents again?

Op doesn't seem to be too angry or shocked by the smack. She thinks its a grain of sand out of a molehill and has just told her dad not to do it again.

She hasnt said she won't not be leaving the kids alone with parents again, in fact she is annoyed that she now won't get her decompression if she leaves holiday early and she leaves kids with parents whilst she runs errands in the heat

Maybe the kids dad can't trust they wont be put in a situation where they are hit for making a little mistake again(dropping a tv remote)

I was hit in the face many times as a child. I can still remember the pain, the sound the fear. Talk to your daughter and see how it has affected her its not your experience to minimise.

Your DH can fuck off. How dare he cut your time short, without discussion. Is he often like that? I can imagine that if ypu decided to not get on the plane, he would have a fit. Yet, expects compliance from you. Not good.

I also think there is MAJOR 'do as i say and not as I do,' from PP on this thread.

A couple of weeks ago, my friend was telling me about the time her FIL had slapped her 15 year old son.l, who was playing a very stupid prank in a hot tub in front of younger cousins. 1st time ever, fear and anger had triggered it. Humiliation for my friend's son, obviously. Her husband witnessed it, so major discomfort for him. All awful and there were tears, recrimantions and uncomfortable conversations between all.of the family ( also all.on holiday) That was 3 years ago. Now it is just a story told with a wince. Families are messy, because people are messy if your father feels terrible, and most certainly will have seen how other people judge him now, tjat would satisfy me.

I think the real problem is with your husband. I feel you are being alientated.

He could always fly out to join them and spend some time actually parenting his own kids?

Op if you do nothing else you should at least make it very clear to your child that what your dad did was completely unacceptable. A heartfelt apology from your dad to his grandchild would be best (him apologizing to you, while something, is much less important and I really hope you realize this)

Make sure he understands that any relationship discord/holiday ruining etc is not because he disclosed an assault, but because someone assaulted him.

Its SO important he understands that this wasn't his fault in any way. The feelings of shame and internalized 'I deserved to be treated like this' are what's really behind continuing cycles of abuse.

Your post title notes that DH is overreacting. I not think he is overeating. If I found out my FIL had hit one of my DC’s I would be livid and it would permanently affect my relationship with them.

That said, you have a separate issue with DH not pulling his weight at all which absolutely needs addressing. Gently OP, I think your desire for some extra help and a (small) rest has coloured your take on the incident with your DD and DF. If you knew you were going home to a supportive partner who you’d be sharing the load with, would you be so quick to try and justify DF’s actions so you could stay?

as you have said you dont stay with your parents for the holiday and only visit them, I think your husband is way out of order for cancelling 2 weeks (!) of holiday. Also, for getting you tickets without asking you. Tell him to fuck off and that you are fully capable of protecting your kids - and that you will not be leaving them with you parents again.

Your dad is a wanker. Seeing grandchildren once a year and acting like this?

Both men in your life sound very unpleasant.

He doesn't want his child to be placed at risk. Sounds like a normal parent to me.

I think this is what it boils down to. OPs husband reacting that way rather than discussing it with OP and agree on a plan together he has made himself look like an unreasonable, controlling twat so it has now basically become a situation where two unreasonable men are trying to assert some kind of dominance and OP is stuck in the middle. OPs dad did and awful thing which would be hard to forgive, but OPs H was an idiot for just deciding above OPs head when she was flying back. It cannot be solely his decision.

They are not "at risk", they are not staying with the grandparents.

And I would imagine any decision has to be made with at least a discussion beforehand. What the husband did is pure 19 century.

"listened to my dad’s version of the story and to me it sounds as a flick, as something you do without malice."

Wtaf?! Talk about minimising!!
A flick without malice? What are you on? It's physical violence towards a child!!

Of course they are at risk, they don't need to be staying with them for this! I can't believe the amount of people here minimising a child being slapped for dropping a remote! This man can't be trusted

Everyone saying if they were dh they'd do the same is alarming, and I don't think true because they then follow up with; I'd tell dh he needs to etc. The difference is huge. He's decided what op's doing and that's that.

A hit can be described in 5 million ways, a swipe, a slap, a smack, all will be interpreted differently to the person who's present. If DH told me FIL had hit one of the kids (I'd be shocked) I'd be furious, but I think I'd go by DH's assessment of the situation, I trust him.

I think this highlights trouble in your marriage because either he doesn't trust you, or doesn't think your opinion is important.

@Bansheed massive difference between a 5 and 15 year old. Plus an accident in a dangerous situation vs a primary age school child dropping something.

It's really easy for a adult man to injure a child, when hitting them on the head. I worked on elderly care and came across a few people permanently injured by 'a clip around the ear'. The OP is minimising this and that's concerning. The fact that the parents are early 60's actually makes it worse. There'll always be people who won't see this as an assault. It's an important lesson to teach a girl, physical assaults are never ok, it doesn't matter who the perpetrator is and how much they say they love you.
Would it be ok for the DH to turn up and smack the Grandfather around the head?

And yes of course her DH should have discussed it with OP first.

What a ridiculous overreaction. People make mistakes. It isn't right to flick a child over the head but it's not worth cutting all family ties over, teaching the children in the process that speaking out leads to them missing out.
The level of self righteousness on this thread is on a different level. The OP has her own accomodation there and grandad works and therefore does not need to look after the children again. The kids are not that young anymore and clearly able to speak up. It makes no sense to lose out on the rest of the holiday over this. The husband is a controlling twat. If he was so worried about his child it's a flight for him to join them that he should have booked. If he can't afford that due to work he needs to trust the children's mother to protect them adequately.

Also , in the husband's defence, he didn't hear about the smack from op. He heard about it from his child. I understand his sudden reaction to the situation in wanting his kids home

In his eyes, is he thinking op was not going to tell him?

I wouldn't be happy if I was the other parent in this situation...my child has been hit by my inlaws, in another country so I am not there and my husband didn't even tell me?

Difficult as it is your DH is right. He is acting on every instinct in his body and won’t be able to hear anything that you have to say. I am not a parent myself but from observation when it comes to safeguarding children many parents have this visceral response to protect their children. No amount of time or money lost to the holiday will matter to him. And probably quite rightly so.

Only you know your dad. DF smacked DD1 once when she was 3, in context he did maybe once or twice hit me in my entire childhood, and he had a lovely relationship with DDs. DH certainly didn't react badly about it. Do what you want and think is best not what DH says and have it out with him later.

I never understood why people expect me to pussyfoot around someone sleeping on the sofa in a communal room. If that person is tired, they should have gone to bed for a quick nap. End of.

@Whaleandsnail6 the grandfather is remorseful. I would have watched carefully how she was with grandad to see if there was any sign of fear or she was shocked rather than hurt. No reason why she cant leave the children with their grandmother.

I agree if you want to stay stay.

because actually it is yiur husband who comes across worse in this than your Dad in terms of behaviour

But there’s also a risk that DD learns that if she tells her parents about bad things that happen to her then she and her sister get punished and holidays are cancelled. So if something else or worse happens in future, she might be inclined to keep it a secret.

The most important thing to do here is ask DD what she wants. She’s the victim here and you should make sure she feels heard, supported and not punished. And that she can change her mind and go home at any point if she asks to.

How so?

Ah but he's never hit his other grandkids, just her child.. alls good! 🤨