DH overreacting over

[NoWinnersOnlyLosers]

i will try to resume the situation:

I am on holiday at the moment visiting family (parents, siblings…)

I left my children yesterday with my parents so that I could catch up with friends over the weekend. Bear in mind I can only see them once a year and I am the default parent for my children and I don’t get a break, only ever when they are at school (if that counts).

On returning, my DD5 informed me while crying that her grandad told her off for dropping the remote and waking up grandma who was sleeping on the sofa in the living room. She also told me that she received a head slap for it but she cried for that.

I spoke to him and he admitted that it was a flick but was remorseful of what he did. I told him I expect this to never happen again as I have never laid a finger on them.

Now, my Dd informed her dad over a video call and she explained what happened. This didn’t sit well with him (which I understand) but he decided unilaterally to cut short our holiday by 2 weeks and book a flight for us.

He refused to talk to my parents and said he expects us to get on the plane well before our initial timeframe.

I asked my eldest child to explain what happened and if it was witnessed and the situation was explained and nothing more was added.

While I don’t accept the use of violence of any kind on children, my dad has never laid a hand on us and I feel it has developed in a molehill out of a grain of sand.

Now my eldest is crying that my husband has ruined the time with their grandparents.

My youngest is crying because she hasn’t been to the beach yet.

My mum is crying because she only gets to see us in summer.

I am equally devastated and angry as the time I have to decompress is gone and I have yet to organise plenty of things here.

My dad doesn’t know this yet as he was sleeping when all this was unfolding.

And my husband wants to impose and is a square man. He is difficult to convince otherwise and has spent money we don’t have to prove a point and damage my relationship with my parents with me being stuck in the middle.
He does not care about my family the same as he does not care about his side of the family.

WWYD?

I don't think he is over reacting..as others have said how would you feel if DH had taken the kids to his parents and your 5 year old called you and said FIL had clipped them round the back of the head. You would be fuming.

The update of him being early 60s makes it worse. I was expecting someone much older with little tolerance of children. This isn't that old and if he is this snappy already then I wouldn't be wanting to leave the children with him or planning such long breaks to visit in the future. Clearly he is not used to children being around for any length of time and I am guessing finds the noise too much (even if they weren't being that noisy, to him it would be more noticeable as he isn't used to it).

You seem to have a problem at home. I am guessing DH is the one to provide you with things and the main earner and your part of the deal was to provide childcare and looking after the house. As others have said, what are you doing when they are at school? You work part time so assume you have some time to yourself then.
What time does DH have? If you drop in that he works all week then goes to hobbies at the weekend, then this is what needs addressing. You need to be more vocal to him about sharing responsibilities at home, although I am wondering if this will be one of those scenarios where it's another man not fussed about having kids but persuaded into it by the wife who says it won't change things.

if anyone threatened violence or carried that threat out in my daughter they would not be seeing her again.

I’d stay but no longer see the grandparents for the rest of the holiday and then assess when you’re at home. You’ve already made your mind up though by loading your post with all the upfront information to slant the view towards your own in an effort to distract from the situation your children have been put in.

Two seperate issues going on here.

1. the hit. You are in charge and your husband is disrespectful to not leave this to you. ‘So my plan is to stay the planned time, but make sure I am always with the children too when he is. Sophia wants to stay too.’ End of discussion.

1. issue 2 is you not getting a break. Why does your husband not do 50/50 parenting and housework when he’s not at work? That would be an equal, normal relationship.

now that he’s booked the flights, you’ve surely lost money either way? There’s now 2 flights home booked for you all, you can only be on one. I would take your original one.

Honestly, my husband is the calmest, most chilled and least controlling person I’ve ever met and I can say for sure that if this story had been relayed to him by or about our daughter, he would have been on the first flight to wherever we were and taken her home himself if I hadn’t already left. And this is a man who has never told me what to do, in the whole time we have been together.

You are hugely minimising and I feel so sorry for your children. Nobody puts their hands on my children, ever.

You're painting your husband as a controlling man, which I don't doubt you know will get you a degree of support on here.

However, maybe if you had been the one to tell your husband what had happened, the two of you could have talked it through like adults and agreed as a team how to proceed. Instead, he hears it first from his child that her grandad hit her. I don't blame him for the way he responded. As to making a molehill out of a grain of sand, you are making a grain of sand out of a mountain. Your father hit your child. It doesn't matter why. It doesn't matter that he claims to be remorseful. He hit your child. The first your husband should have heard about it should have been you calling him to tell him you were on your way back home.

Rubbish. OP is a neglectful parent and her husband is 100% in the right.

Your poor DC. I don’t think your DH has overreacted at all. If my FIL did this there’s no way either of us would allow our children to stay around them. Violence towards a child is never acceptable.

On this thread, there are many people who have decided this was a massive violent attack. Yet the op, the only person who knows anything, has detailed it was more of a dismissive flick. Yes, the dd was crying, but we don’t know whether she is prone to crying often and/or more shock that her grandad did that. The op does know that.

You are on holiday at the moment-your words.

You say that on returning, this has happened.

Peculiar. You can’t be in two places at once.

Am starting to think ( and hope!) This is a mn parody....
Woman works pt, but kids are at school.. still has no time to self....
Child's gp op dad assaults child. Dad is upset and wants kids home, op and mn response...'how dare he! He is abusive and controlling!! This is your holiday!! It was only a slap to her head, if you go home she'll know it's her fault for telling her dad she was hit"....
What the actual fuck!! The 'reasoning' is insane!!

OP, your husband is correct. That's all I have to say as anything else I say would probably be considered too strident. Your daughter is lucky to have him as a father. My father would have been exactly the same and he was an amazing dad. Perhaps look into your relationship with your parents. Your husband 'doesn't care about them' for a reason.

The OP doesn't know any more than we do how hard a hit it was as she wasn't there either. The only thing that is certain is that her dad hit her child. Arguing over how hard the blow actually was is absurd.

My stepdad did the same to my son when he had his hood up. I dont have anything to do with him now...

Hear hear. People are just siding with the OP because she is female. Can you imagine the UPROAR if a woman posted saying that her husband and kids were staying with the grandparents, and grandad or even grandmother had hit one. Then her husband just minimised it. The cries of 'LTB' and 'go scorched earth' would be deafening! This place is an absolute joke at times.

Your husband is acting like an asshole. You are the parent in charge. Have your holiday. Generational differences exist. There will be things you do that your children will find unforgivable

A slap to the head on a small child by a grown man would have been bad enough if she had thrown the remote across the room.
She dropped it by accident and he hit her head?! 🤨 It's the very least of things to get angry about.
What sort of Dad was he OP? Wondering if this has somehow been normalised for you.

All these people asking why the DH is not there parenting his child. He's working. He may not have the luxury of taking that much time off. OP has already said he works long hours. Yes, OP has a PT job, but clearly the DH pays the bulk of family costs.

I have the luxury of being a SAHM (I'm a trailing spouse). I'm currently in DH home country for the summer (we have our own house). So obviously the bulk of the parenting of our child is down to me. DH comes down for the odd week.

If the tables were turned, and I'd found out from my child that FIL had hit him, I'd be livid. Heads are delicate, btw; a mere 'clip' might have caused damage.

Is it normal to check out of family life and then attempt to lay down the law from home when your wife and children are abroad?

Your father massively over reacted and massively over stepped, this isn't the 90s and prior when kids get physically reprimanded, and to a child who has never be hit it woukd rightly so be a big deal.

Your husband being far away, unless he's controlling and has form for over reacting, is what may have caused this knee jerk reaction. He's not there to see what happened or prevent further incidences, so he wants his kids back nearby. One possibility.

Your dad however needs to feel some consequence tbh, what a thing to do anytime let alone over a dropped remote.

Your father hit a small girl over the head and you don't see what's wrong with that?

Your husband is absolutely right.

Grand parents like this, who lose it because a child accidentally drops a remote control, should not be trusted to look after kids.

You are teaching your girl by doing nothing that it is OK for a grown man to hurt her.

But if you decide to delegate all the childcare to your wife, you also delegate the decision making power in matters regarding childcare to her.

Absolutely agree with this op
Do not get on that plane.
It shouldn't have happened it's dealt with your husband has no place interfering when he's not there.

Lol, you’ve missed out rather a lot of detail in that leap. He doesn’t just ‘want the kids to go home’ - he booked a flight for them! The op could have done that if that was her decision. You have also conveniently missed that the father does no parenting, and no housework at all ever.

a loving involved father might well have said ‘I’m really not happy at all about our children spending more time with him, do you think it worth changing your flights to sooner’ but he didn’t do that.

Nonsense. I'm sure the OP isn't refusing her husband's fat salary, which enables them to have a good life.