DH overreacting over

[NoWinnersOnlyLosers]

i will try to resume the situation:

I am on holiday at the moment visiting family (parents, siblings…)

I left my children yesterday with my parents so that I could catch up with friends over the weekend. Bear in mind I can only see them once a year and I am the default parent for my children and I don’t get a break, only ever when they are at school (if that counts).

On returning, my DD5 informed me while crying that her grandad told her off for dropping the remote and waking up grandma who was sleeping on the sofa in the living room. She also told me that she received a head slap for it but she cried for that.

I spoke to him and he admitted that it was a flick but was remorseful of what he did. I told him I expect this to never happen again as I have never laid a finger on them.

Now, my Dd informed her dad over a video call and she explained what happened. This didn’t sit well with him (which I understand) but he decided unilaterally to cut short our holiday by 2 weeks and book a flight for us.

He refused to talk to my parents and said he expects us to get on the plane well before our initial timeframe.

I asked my eldest child to explain what happened and if it was witnessed and the situation was explained and nothing more was added.

While I don’t accept the use of violence of any kind on children, my dad has never laid a hand on us and I feel it has developed in a molehill out of a grain of sand.

Now my eldest is crying that my husband has ruined the time with their grandparents.

My youngest is crying because she hasn’t been to the beach yet.

My mum is crying because she only gets to see us in summer.

I am equally devastated and angry as the time I have to decompress is gone and I have yet to organise plenty of things here.

My dad doesn’t know this yet as he was sleeping when all this was unfolding.

And my husband wants to impose and is a square man. He is difficult to convince otherwise and has spent money we don’t have to prove a point and damage my relationship with my parents with me being stuck in the middle.
He does not care about my family the same as he does not care about his side of the family.

WWYD?

I don’t think your parents are capable of looking after your children on their own.
If you decide to stay, you should not leave your children either them again ever.

Your DH is in the right. I don’t understand anyone saying he’s being controlling? Would you be happy for your 5yo DC to stay in a house with a person who hit them? He booked flights for all of them because the kids clearly can’t fly home alone. If OP wants to stay, then she can ask him to collect the kids. There’s no way I’d allow my children to stay in a situation like this and if my partner thought otherwise then we’d be having serious issues.

Also, those saying to stay but keep a close eye etc, OP clearly wants her parents to watch the kids so she can get a break and go out with friends. If she stays, she is very obviously planning to leave the children alone with her parents again.

You’re setting a very poor example to your child, OP. Let’s hope it doesn’t have consequences in her future relationships…

So you left your children with a man who gets angry and slaps children if they drop a remote, and you don't seem that angry about it. You never get a break even though you have a functioning husband at home. You allow your husband to dictate when you leave a holiday to see your parents?

Do you have any agency of your own? Or do you just go along with what the men say in your life? If you want to stay, then stay for God's sake. Are you a child? Are you scared of your husband? Then I would absolutely never leave the children alone with their grandparents ever again. Then I would tell your husband he needs to look after your children sometimes so that you can get a break when you get back.

You decide here what happens.

I'd be reading the riot act to my father. To both parents really. I'd stay for the rest of the planned holiday but the parents wouldn't get unsupervised access to the children again. The children would be coming with me wherever I was going. The end.

If my husband decided unilaterally to book earlier flights without consulting me then I would tell him I wouldn't be taking them. I would tell him that I am perfectly capable of keeping the children safe by keeping them with me from now on and that I now knew my father in particular was sadly no longer capable of looking after small children so wouldn't be left with them.

I would be angry at my father for his behaviour. I would also be angry at my husband because I am capable of booking my own flights should it be needed.

Absolutely shocking that you’d even consider staying tbh. I would never forgive anyone for hitting my child. At least your poor daughter has one parent looking out for her.

Also, you say you only ‘get a break’ when your children are at school… so that’s 5 days a week for most of the year then…? Gosh how do you manage

I think a one-off blow to the head by a caregiver might be equally as damaging to a child as seeing her mother behaving like its not a big deal (I dont know how much effort OP has gone to to communicate this directly to her child with words, but it seems clear that her actions i.e. not leaving and blaming her husband for 'overreacting and ruining the holiday' give this message).

If i was your husband op, AND I got the impression from talking to you that you weren't going to step up appropriately, then I would also take the rather extreme action he has taken.

Your dad is an arse but your dh is a controlling arse too. Just ignore his flight change as he should have consulted you

To be honest I think you have to support your husband here, he’s only looking out for your kids. It’s obviously imposing a boundary to your parents that slapping kids isn’t appropriate. You seem to not be fussed about it cause it will interrupt your plans?

Don't get on the plane

Your DH has a right to ask you to bring the kids home if he deems your parents unsafe carers (your df is unsafe), but you both need to discuss it as normal people do in a relationship. He shouldn't book the flight and demand it. This is controlling. He is welcome to book himself a flight and take them home but shouldn't be forcing you to do anything.

On a side note, if your father has never lifted a finger to you during childhood, what has made him act in such an out of character/ unreasonable way to hit a child over nothing? If you don't see him regularly, you might want to ask your mum to see if he is developing mental health issues or a medical condition.

While no-one should ever hit a child, I think your husband has serious control issues. And that is very serious.
You need to do several things:
1-Watch your father for deterioration, possible early dementia, if you say he was never like this before
2- You need to sort this out with your husband. I wouldn't be going home early, but if you feel you don't get a break, you need to sort one days full childcare for yourself at home.
3- I'm assuming you are heavily relying on your parents to mind the kids on this holiday up to this point given how you talked. This is also alot on them
4- you need to look at your own situation, do you enjoy minding your kids, possibly think about working part time to break up the taxing nature of your home role

I think your husband needs to do a little more too
And you need to have a chat with him about the control.

Your dad obviously shouldn't have done that but your dh is treating you like a child by booking the flights and not discussing it with you first. Is he usually this controlling?

It’s very bad to slap your child across the face. I would be making it v clear it’s unacceptable. But I wouldn’t cut my parents off for it.

You need more help. Your husband is a bully; so is your dad. Draw lines with both of them and don’t let this happen again from either of them!!! Your life, your choices. Xx

This, only on MN would a father reacting to his child being assaulted by being hit on the head by keeping his children safe be seen as 'controlling'!
"Oh poor you op.... your holiday is being cut short, I'm mean you're more worried about that than your child, but yes, you're the victim here!! He absolutely cannot get on a flight home with them without your permission!!"
Switch it over and dc are on holiday with in-laws who hit a child and mnetters would be raising a gofundme to pay for the early flights and telling op to call the police to have them brought back to UK!

I really think this is a case where we would have very different responses if the sexes were swapped. If the mum was at home and dad had taken the children to stay with his parents and his dad hit one of the children- we wouldn't be calling the mum controlling for wanting the kids home asap. Or saying oh well its the dads call as to whether he stays away with the kids for longer or not.

@babyproblems it wasn’t across the face, it was the back of the head. The kid probably was more startled than anything.

Yup. I think you're 100% right.

Thanks for all your input.

To clarify a few questions:

My parents are not elderly, they are early 60s.

I work part time and I have 0 family support in the country where we live as neither my H’s family nor mine live there. No chance of getting a break ever, even when poorly.

When I visit my parents I stay with my children in my own accommodation. I don’t drop them with the grandparents and fuck off by myself to the beach for the duration of the holiday. I take them places and we have a full schedule. We tend to share meals with them as I can avoid cooking and we can spend time together.

I would leave my children with them if I need to run several errands on the same day and the temperature is high. However, my dad is still working so they would usually be with my mum.

When I say my husband is square I mean that he is now t flexible. Whatever he thinks is set in stone and there is no room for change. He either sees the world in black and white without nuances.

I listened to my dad’s version of the story and to me it sounds as a flick, as something you do without malice. I asked for my other child to clarify too and he said the same. However, my dad apologised and I asserted myself as to what I expect moving forward.
I don’t believe he has to flagellate to be pardoned. I had a happy childhood and so did my siblings. My nieces and nephews spend time with my parents too and no one has been hit.

As for my husband, he works longer hours than me so all childcare falls on my shoulders. He barely does anything home related and is mostly me taking children to activities, birthdays, appointments, school and whatever comes our way.

If you think you're husband is being controlling he can book himself a flight over and take the children home and do the associated childcare until you return or he can trust your judgement to stay.

What he cannot do is make you, the adult, come home.

You aren't leaving the kids alone with your dad again so they are safe with whatever decision he makes and he can have that full control over his own decision.

You are minimising, Op.

I really think that if someone posted “my DH has taken our children to visit his parents for a bit. I was on the phone with my eldest and she told me that my FIL hit my 5 year old across the head for dropping a remote. I’ve told my husband he needs to bring the children home as I don’t want them in staying there any more if they’re going to get whacked for accidentally dropping something” no one would call her domineering and as bad as the FIL.

Tell your DH that you're not getting the early flight, because the DC will think they're being punished and they did nothing wrong. Say the 5 yo will remember this and might not speak up in the future if something happened with someone else. Say you've handled it, and you'll discuss it with him when you get home.

Pacify and diffuse for now, but I really don't like the way he's dictating and ordering you what to do.

I agree. It’s your choice if you leave or not, he shouldn’t be imposing that. Also assume it’s not right now he has booked the flight for? Is he just wanting you home early for his own benefit. Agree the grandad has acted badly, but it’s for OP to decide if she should be leaving early. Her poor mother sounds devastated her annual opportunity to spend quality time with her daughter and GC has been ruined. Everyone needs to calm down.

I understand after reading your updates: it's okay for your parent to hit your child because you don't have a lot of childcare. Shame on you.

If my late father had ever laid a hand on my children... wait, I can't even finish that sentence, because I could never imagine it happening.

No decent man would strike a 5 year old child.

If my DH had taken dd to the in laws, and FIL had slapped her across the back of the head, would I be 'controlling' to beg him to leave?

From your passiveness and reaction to this, I'm guessing there is a bigger history here that your DH is aware of.