DH overreacting over

[NoWinnersOnlyLosers]

i will try to resume the situation:

I am on holiday at the moment visiting family (parents, siblings…)

I left my children yesterday with my parents so that I could catch up with friends over the weekend. Bear in mind I can only see them once a year and I am the default parent for my children and I don’t get a break, only ever when they are at school (if that counts).

On returning, my DD5 informed me while crying that her grandad told her off for dropping the remote and waking up grandma who was sleeping on the sofa in the living room. She also told me that she received a head slap for it but she cried for that.

I spoke to him and he admitted that it was a flick but was remorseful of what he did. I told him I expect this to never happen again as I have never laid a finger on them.

Now, my Dd informed her dad over a video call and she explained what happened. This didn’t sit well with him (which I understand) but he decided unilaterally to cut short our holiday by 2 weeks and book a flight for us.

He refused to talk to my parents and said he expects us to get on the plane well before our initial timeframe.

I asked my eldest child to explain what happened and if it was witnessed and the situation was explained and nothing more was added.

While I don’t accept the use of violence of any kind on children, my dad has never laid a hand on us and I feel it has developed in a molehill out of a grain of sand.

Now my eldest is crying that my husband has ruined the time with their grandparents.

My youngest is crying because she hasn’t been to the beach yet.

My mum is crying because she only gets to see us in summer.

I am equally devastated and angry as the time I have to decompress is gone and I have yet to organise plenty of things here.

My dad doesn’t know this yet as he was sleeping when all this was unfolding.

And my husband wants to impose and is a square man. He is difficult to convince otherwise and has spent money we don’t have to prove a point and damage my relationship with my parents with me being stuck in the middle.
He does not care about my family the same as he does not care about his side of the family.

WWYD?

I agree with this and I am shocked at the replies that are slating the dad

He has just found out that his child has been smacked on the head by another adult

The 5 year old was still crying about this when their mum got home and was bothered enough to tell dad on the video call. Its impacted them.

I also think op that you are massively unreasonable for asking your other child what happened...you should not have involved your other child, who sees how upset you are at the potential of leaving early, is upset at now leaving grandparents and possibly doesn't know how to respond to the incident and what the "right thing" is to say to please everyone. You should have left them out of it

Feel realy sorry for the kids in this who has seen the big fall out and now had negative consequences

I think you are minimising the smack op because its your parents and I really feel if it had been another adult who had hit your child, your reaction would be very different

Yoyr husband is trying to protect his child and probably feels helpless since he is in another country

This isn't about your kids and a slap to the back of the head.

Your husband dislikes his in-laws and is asserting his power by this demonstration. This is about his relationship with your father / or both of them. Subconsciously, he may also be trying to cause a rift in order to isolate you. Is he normally this controlling?

Why didn't he discuss any of his actions (cancelling, booking flights, etc) beforehand with you? Marriages are collaborative.

This is the obvious solution. Does a flight for a whole family cost less then a couple of weeks in a cheap hotel or rental?

If the money has all gone on the flights and can't be reimbursed then that's DHs fault that he didn't speak with you first.

I do think he is right though. Violence is violence. If it has happened once then it's likely to happen again or has happened previously, I just don't agree with his solution which is to ruin the kids holiday.

Maybe you could get your parents to contribute to cost of hotel as it's your dad's fault. Give them the choice of this or going home.

If you have separate accommodation then maybe it makes sense not to end your trip, but you are seriously under reacting and I don't know what not having childcare at home has to do with it, that's the case for a lot of us but you clearly don't have suitable childcare there- you can't leave your children with your parents again because your Mum fell asleep and your Dad hit your 5 year old in the head. I think your husband's reaction is pretty normal for how most parents would feel when their 5 year old tells them they've been hit and the other parent wants to carry on like it didn't happen.

Your husband can’t respond to bad behaviour from your dad with bad behaviour.

Tell him and your kids will not be on that flight and you will be on the original flights as planned.

Who booked the original flights? Check with the airline that those are still valid.

Your not going to leave the children alone with your dad again so it's fine to stay i really think people are overreacting here demanding you leave this is the children's holiday stay supervise make the best of it rethink next year

Exactly

I'm taking from this that your DH is not with you on the holiday, hence the video call with him. Some things I'm wondering...

1. If it was 'just a flick' on the back of the head, why was your 5yo in tears when you got home?
2. If the situation was reversed, and your DH was the one visiting his DP when this happened, would you be happy for him to stay there with the DC?
3. Is your DH taking time off over the summer holidays for your DC and you to have a holiday or staycation together? If not why not?
4. Your husband must have some break days from his work week, even if not a traditional weekend. Does he do any parenting then to give you chance to have a break from the DC? If not, why not?

Your DH does come across as a bit controlling, although I too would want my DC away from someone who has hit them. It's not unusual for a PT parent to take on more of the childcare and housework/admin if the other is full time and long hours, but you still need to have some "you time", and you need to sit with him and discuss how you can achieve that.

You're the one not reacting enough here. He's getting your child out of a shit situation.

This.

Tell your DH that if the kids come home, he has to book time off work to have the kids as you are flying back to spend time with family and friends.

Or he can actually trust your judgement and that you won’t leave your kids alone with your parents.

What on earth was your dad thinking though?!

This is what it sounds like.

I’d struggle to speak to my dad ever again if he hit one of my kids btw.

Still doesn’t mean the DH can just decide and book a flight for you without discussing it with you.

Your husband wasn’t and isn’t there, it should be down to you. If you and the children want to stay that’s what you do.
The fact that you say you never get a break plus your husband taking over and dictating this situation is alarming.

He’s acting as a responsible parent. His child was hit by an adult so he’s removing his kids from this situation.

Is your husband there with you? Has he cancelled the original return flights?

I think it was a complete over reaction to book flights home when you are not even staying with your parents. You just don't have to see them if your husband wants to punish your parents. Like why else would he decide to cut your holiday short?

I would refuse to go if the return flights are still booked. Assuming you've paid for your accommodation also that would get wasted.

I think your husbands reaction is because he doesn't like your family and wants you home so he can say you aren't allowed to visit again. He sounds controlling.

OK @NoWinnersOnlyLosers.

Firstly, it is not acceptable for your dad to cuff your child round the back of the head. But you already know that.

Secondly, where is your husband in all this? Why isn't he with you? You say you are the "default parent". So he doesn't look after your kids the rest of the time, and he hasn't come away with you. What is he doing? What actual parenting is he bringing to the table here? Because if he hasn't come away with you he was presumably either expecting you to continue parenting 24/7 whilst on holiday and not get a break at any point, or he anticipated that your parents would watch the kids at some point. Someone who doesn't do any actual parenting isn't in a position to throw his weight around. It's no good going through the roof about something that happened when his child was in the care of someone else, when he never actually cares for her himself.

It is also totally unacceptable for him to spend a huge amount of family money without consulting you.

I would tell him to call the airline and see if he can get a refund on those flights, because otherwise he will have just flushed (thousands of pounds) family money down the toilet.

If you get on the plane he will continue to think he can call the shots whilst continuing to do fuck all to actually parent his own children. You need to teach him a lesson.

If he can't get a refund on the flights tell him to see if he can change them to a flight out to where you are for himself so he can come and take care of his own bloody children and give you the break you deserve.

Excellent advice. I agree that what your DF did was not acceptable, but your DH needs to understand how the DC are likely to react in future if their holiday is cut short now.

The way forward now is for your DC not to be alone with your DF and you focus on giving them a great holiday.

You're dealing with two difficult men. Both are in the wrong. Clearly, your dad shouldn't have done what he did but equally, you husband doesn't get to make a large decision like that without even consulting you. You are currently in charge of the children. How you handle it is up to you. Whatever you do, it's probably best not to leave your parents in charge again. It sounds like they can't cope with two little ones.

As pp has mentioned, your 5yo is going to learn that disclosing abuse cost her a holiday and caused everyone to be upset and a massive falling out, she'll be less likely to tell you things in future

It seems like there's a cultural difference here, did your parents actually know that you don't hit the kids? mine had to have it explained repeatedly but they were quite heavy handed when we were young.

I would stay in your accomodation and avoid leaving the kids with your parents.

What will happen if you ask your DH to cancel the flights?

The hitting is awful but so are you for trying to get DC to recount the episode in an attempt to persuade your DH to drop it. That's coercive behaviour.

I would not let your dc alone with your parents any longer regardless of whether you choose to go home early this time or not.

I think your husband is in a really difficult situation and is helpless as he is in another country

He is told by his tearful child they have been hit by another adult. His immediate reaction is to get his kid out of there to protect them

I do think you are minimising this op. I genuinely think if it was anyone else who had hit your child round the back of the head, you would he angrier and your impulse would be to remove them from that person.

Your husband is probably upset by your reaction to your dad hitting your child...you are almost accepting it ("it was just a flick, he never hit us...")

Maybe booking flights is an over reaction, especially since you have your own accommodation however, I don't think your husband is wrong for wanting to do that...maybe he was wrong for actually doing it

I also think reactions are different since its the mothers parents here. I think if a dad was posting his kids mum wanted the kids home from another country because they had been hit by his father, posters would be saying its the mums decision

I'd spend a day just you and the kids today. Speak to husband without the kids in earshot and plan what to do next when it isnt the heat of the moment

Your husband is being controlling and there is no way he should have just booked flights home without discussing it with you first. He would have every right to say he does not want you to leave the children alone with your father again, he doesnt get to cut short your holiday.

Have you spoken to him? As you have your own accommodation I would be saying I am not cutting my holiday short and disappointing the children.

As well as controlling his wife. There's more to this.

It's not up to your husband to say you have to come home now. What will happen if you don't?
Your dad was massively out of order but he seems to realise that. I would stay but I wouldn't leave my children alone with your dad. Obviously it's up to you but you see your partner once a year. If your husband is so worried, perhaps he should have come with you so he could parent his children while you had a break.

Your husband is being too forceful but you still seem to think that it would be OK to leave your children with your parents again. We look after our grandchildren quite a lot. When we start to get annoyed because a 5 year old dropped a remote or woke us up, it is time to stop looking after them.
Surely your parents should stay awake while looking after young children.
Most parents would take their kids to the beach on the first day as they would have been looking forward to it.