Husband’s comment

[peony89]

(Background info - we received the link to photos from a family wedding (his side) yesterday. I hadn’t looked at them yet ).

Earlier this evening, DH and I were sat in our living room on our own. I was scrolling through the news when I saw an article about the daughter of DH’s favourite musician. I commented that she looks totally different to last I saw her and she’s aged a lot, looks like her dad.

DH then said “just wait till you see the photo of you from the wedding”. I rushed to the pictures and found the worst photo of me ever. Saddest bit is I felt lovely on the day, had a great time, and I’m laughing in the photo.

I’m really hurt and told him so. He’s angry at me for being upset at his comment.

I’m upset that he’s obviously seen the photo and thought ‘Christ, my wife looks shit’, then hours later, decided to deliberately hurt me and make me feel ugly because I made a vaguely offhand comment about the daughter of his idol in the privacy of our own home. He doesn’t get it. AIBU?

It's not about loyalty. A bitchy, mean observation is a bitchy, mean observation whether you're saying it about your partner, someone you know or someone you see in a magazine. And a bitchy, mean observation deserves to be pulled up.

If DP said something derogatory about a female celebrity I would absolutely call him out on it, probably along the same lines as the OP's husband. (And if this thread was about that, there'd be unanimous support for this view!)

To be honest if any of my friends did that, I'd do the same. I'm not saying we all have to be perfect - I've thought many bitchy things, and sometimes been called out when I said them out loud accidentally, and you know what - I absolutely should have been. That's how we become better people - when our loved ones pull us up on our worst behaviour and tell us it's not acceptable.

OP's husband pulling her up isn't showing loyalty to a random celeb - it's about reminding her to be better.

Most of the nasty things I've said out loud were when I was in my teens and early 20s. I grew out of them, not least because of my loved ones telling me it wasn't OK to sneer at a celebrity for being fat or whatever. That's how we grow. Not all observations have to be voiced.

I've never commented on any celebrity's looks to DP, come to think of it. I'm not sure why he'd be interested. If I observe that someone looks older, it's barely interesting to me, and it's my bloody thought!

I don’t articulate every thought that comes to mind. But I really don’t think it’s that deep to comment that a celeb has aged since the last photo I saw of her, in private, to my own husband. Perhaps it might warrant a response of ‘that’s unfair, we’re allowed to age’, but I think instantly drawing my attention to a terrible photo of myself at a family wedding which has been received by his whole family was a bit uncalled for as a means of teaching me a lesson.

Of course, the example you give is not okay and is not harmless. That comment was made publicly and it sounds like it was very offensive, rather than just an innocuous comment about aging. I think you’re failing to see the difference between public and private comments.

I'm not failing to see anything. I have a friend who comments on people's looks in a derogatory fashion. She's done it in hushed tones so only I can hear. I've pulled her up on it before and she's snapped back at me. I don't go out with her anymore. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to be in the company of someone so purile. Maybe your husband feels similar towards you. Maybe that's too strong but he might just be fed up of it. As others have already said, learn from it and be better.

If you're watching TV and see that someone's obviously had some work done on their face or has put on loads of weight, do you really never say anything?! The tabloids are full of unflattering pictures of celebs for the exact reason that people do notice and like to talk about these things. Obviously, that's very different to saying something to someone's face.

Well fair play to you. You’re obviously a better person. If only I was as perfect as you, my husband wouldn’t have been so fed up with me and insulted me.

I am perfectly capable of thinking things and NOT voicing them. It's a life skill that plenty of people have.

How do you like them apples.

I am totally with you and find it fairly sad that some people don't see why being able to have thoughts and NOT express them is somehow weird or unusual.

Tabloid culture is toxic trash and encourages toxic trash behaviour. Whether a celebrity has had work done or put on weight is not very interesting and makes for boring chat.

Er, yeah.

I don't think it's very kind or useful or fun.

I won't say I've never done this in the past, but it's certainly something I find more and more unacceptable to do (it's the sort of thing my grown-up kids have pulled me up on in the past). I wouldn't think very highly of you if you made a point of sharing how fat or ugly or full of cellulite you thought a celebrity was.

The fact that a shitty tabloid does it doesn't exactly mark it as a great idea. Be better.

I agree it's not kind or useful and I couldn't be less interested in celebrities. I'm just aware that other people's appearances are generally interesting to us and that it's a common topic of discussion. I honestly don't believe all the people on here who say that they NEVER talk about other people's appearance. And saying that someone has aged isn't necessarily unkind or insulting. Even a negative comment could be made out of concern rather than cruelty.
*Edited for typo.

I honestly don't believe all the people on here who say that they NEVER talk about other people's appearance.

Why?

Don't judge everyone to your low standards.

Ohhh people who make negative comments out of "concern" know exactly what they're doing. Give me an honest-to-god mean girl sneer over faux-concern any day.

I don't think people's appearances are that interesting. People often default to talking about whatever topic's closest to hand in the media but once you actively try to think, and talk, about what you're actually interested in, it's amazing how little celebrities' faces cross your mind.

I'm far from perfect but there you go again with snarky little comments.

#edited for typo.

I honestly never say anything. I'll think about and discuss the wider context of societal changes and pornification of women and pressure on young girls, if appropriate but no, I don't comment on people's looks at all. Knock yourself out if you want to but understand that it opens the door to others commenting on your appearance. You really can't openly bitch about the way other people look and then piss n moan when others do it too, even when you're on the receiving end.

I get it OP. Commenting on a celebrity is not great but what your dh did was actually intended to hurt you and is quite nasty.

This, absolutely!

DH and I can talk to each other privately about anything and everything - things and people that neither of us has any loyalty to - one of us doesn't then use a comment about some random person as an opportunity to take pot shots at the other, because we love each other and build each other up, not tear each other down.

Talking to your spouse in private about a random person who's not there to hear it is totally different to hurting the person you're meant to love above all others!!

The meanness and bitchiness exists regardless of whether the subject is there to hear it. And no one wants to hear their partner being mean and bitchy.

If your husband said something derogatory about a female celebrity's appearance you would call him out on it, right? Tell him not to be so unpleasant? Maybe tell him to look in the mirror? I hope you would. Anyway, that's what the OP's husband was doing.

Why?
Don't judge everyone to your low standards.

But you're all being remarkably unkind to the OP - so the standards are maybe not quite that high!

If that was the case he'd have called over there and then, pointing and laugh at the picture and saying how shit she looked.

It’s perfectly ok to privately make a passing comment about someone, as you did.

He was really vindictive. YANBU.

And just to add

I've definitely said a sort of "look at the state of her" type catty comment and had family reply "have you looked in a mirror?" type responses.

They haven't "saved up" bad photos, outfits, comments about my looks. They're just responding to me being catty

I don't 'openly bitch' about others' appearances and I don't think that's what OP did either. There are too many people on here taking things to ridiculous extremes.

I have said nothing unkind to the OP, so your "gotcha" doesn't really work.