Husband’s comment

[peony89]

(Background info - we received the link to photos from a family wedding (his side) yesterday. I hadn’t looked at them yet ).

Earlier this evening, DH and I were sat in our living room on our own. I was scrolling through the news when I saw an article about the daughter of DH’s favourite musician. I commented that she looks totally different to last I saw her and she’s aged a lot, looks like her dad.

DH then said “just wait till you see the photo of you from the wedding”. I rushed to the pictures and found the worst photo of me ever. Saddest bit is I felt lovely on the day, had a great time, and I’m laughing in the photo.

I’m really hurt and told him so. He’s angry at me for being upset at his comment.

I’m upset that he’s obviously seen the photo and thought ‘Christ, my wife looks shit’, then hours later, decided to deliberately hurt me and make me feel ugly because I made a vaguely offhand comment about the daughter of his idol in the privacy of our own home. He doesn’t get it. AIBU?

Commenting that someone has 'aged a lot' is hardly complimentary, though. And yeah, if that's not insulting, his comment isn't either.

Just let it go.

I don’t understand why you can say something non-complimentary about someone else but he can’t say something to you.

We all take bad photos. You’ve extrapolated that to your husband thinks you look like shit, rather than it’s just one bad photo. I took a photo of my husband this weekend and he looks awful in it. I’ve shown him and he knows I think he looks awful in it. It doesn’t mean I think he looks like shit all the time. It means in that moment that I captured the photo it was unflattering. I won’t be deleting it because it has our DC in it and it’s a great one of them.

Also, you said the worst thing was that you get lovely and you were smiling. Implying you now don’t feel lovely because of one bad photo. That you didn’t have a good time because of one bad photo? Even though there is photographic evidence of you having a good time.

Unless there’s a massive drip feed that he always makes little digs about you, then I think the problem is you attach too much value to looks (yours and other people’s). You’re going to let one bad photo ruin a memory of a lovely wedding where you were feeling great and having a great time? You’re going to let that one moment rewrite what you actually felt and experienced.

I think if I’d seen the photo first and commented ‘state of me on that one’ and he’d laughed and agreed, I wouldn’t have minded because it is a b really bad photo and I’m not vain type person but it’s that he remembered it hours later and wanted to make me feel bad.
None of us are perfect, all of us make less than ideal but honest comments to our partners that we wouldn’t voice in front of other people, but I’m surprised at the amount of people that would expect a nasty comment in return and think that’s just desserts from their husband but I probably need to rethink.

He didn't say you're ugly, he just meant anyone can sometimes take a shit photo.

Maybe he does have a soft spot for this celebrity offspring and thinks they usually look nice, same as how he feels about your looks.

So don't dwell on it. You started it basically and didn't really need to say it.

Maybe you subconsciously said it as you know he likes her and wanted a reaction? Then didn't like the one you got. But it wasn't meant as an insult against your appearance.

I don’t understand why you can say something non-complimentary about someone else but he can’t say something to you.

Because you're meant to be kind to your spouse.
DH and I bitch about people, i wouldn't launch a personal attack on him because he'd said something less than complimentary about someone we dont even know.

That’s where my reaction has come from but it seems most disagree and would never privately comment on any celebrity’s looks to their spouse.

2 worlds colliding here.

1: celebrities are a matter of impersonal interest, can be commented on, and they will never know you, your opinion or your comment. People responding out of female solidarity, not wanting women's looks to be critiqued. Fair enough

2: your spouse being on your team, cherishing, protecting, and telling you you're beautiful even when you're decidedly unbeautiful. We all want that, right? That's where OP is, and her DH def isn't for whatever reason.

People responding to 2 from the perspective of 1 is just hatstand

I just want to know who the celebrity was 🫣

You need to reframe this... he didn't 'remember it' and 'store it up' - he wasn't going to say anything, but because you were making a poor comment about someone else's photo, he pretty much said: "Well... there's one of you that people might think doesn't look super." He wasn't poised to make that comment - it was purely in response to your initial action.

I think in life there is a rule that if you dish it out, you have to expect it back. You don't get carte blanche to be nasty (your words) about others and not get the same back. Being married isn't the issue. If I said: "Oh Taylor Swift isn't ageing well" (I don't think this by the way) then I would expect the person I said it to, to say back to me: "And you're a spring chicken are you?!"

Celebrities have such rough time ageing in the public eye - particularly woman - and it's kind of awful to be judgemental about something people cannot help.

And yes, most people on this thread are of this view, so it should make you think. But you kind of agree and then keep putting this caveat about 'but most people don't think your husband should be loyal' - nothing to do with loyalty. Also ultra kind isn't a thing - it's about being decent. Nothing more, nothing less.

Do you think he meant to hurt you or was it just a “haha look at this photo”? My DP and I make stickers out of our worst photos and then keep sending them back and forth.

That’s where my reaction has come from but it seems most disagree and would never privately comment on any celebrity’s looks to their spouse.

My marriage is somewhere where I dont always have to be my best self, so I totally get where you're coming from.

Lot of contrarians on here though.

It's an objectively bad photo. Nothing to do with being beautiful or being cherished. If you can't laugh at a shit photo of yourself you really have issues.

Yeah, same.

But for what it's worth I think he was pointing out that we can all take bad photos, he wasn't calling you ugly.

I think most people are missing the point, then! Making a slightly negative comment about a photo of a person that neither of you know, is definitely not the same as making a hurtful comment about a photo of someone you love, to their face!

We also have that type of relationship and had he sent me a copy of the photo with stickers etc, I’d have laughed. It’s that he only said it in response to my comment on a stranger.

That’s exactly my point. Thank you.

Yes I agree with this...this thread is bonkers!

Why do I need to be kind to my spouse, even if I don’t agree with him? I’m meant to take on the load when he’s struggling, support him, encourage him to be kind to himself, look after himself. I don’t need to stand by as he makes unnecessary comments about a woman aging and support it in an act of “kindness” by giving him a compliment. I have the type of relationship where if I think my husband is being a dick, I can tell him. I also have the type of relationship where I can be honest about one bad photo without it meaning more. I don’t need to be kind to the point of accepting him commenting on a woman aging. A natural process.

If your marriage is built on bitching about other people and then just being kind to each other regardless of the comments, it seems quite shallow.

Do you think he was being intentional? Or just stupidly thinking out loud?

BTW...we all take terrible photos. Only a tiny percentage take a good photo.

It all depends on his intention.

I never said my comment was nasty. I don’t think privately commenting to my husband that a random stranger has aged a bit is ‘nasty’. I do think his comment was nasty though as it was an entirely different context i.e. to my face, his wife.

I do agree with the ‘dish it out, expect it back’ and had I made a comment about my husband to him, I’d expect one back. Or if I had told this woman to her face that she has aged a lot and she commented back to me, fair enough. This was not that scenario.

I’m surprised the amount of people who can’t see the difference and would never ever comment negatively on a celebrity’s appearance to their other half.

Totally agree. He didn’t tell me I was being a dick though (I wouldn’t mind that as we have that type of relationship too) he directed me to an ugly photo which has been sent out to his whole family. Felt like a low blow in defence of a random celeb.

Probably stupidly thinking out loud. I’m not going to carry it on with him but it’s interesting to see the polarising perspectives.

If your marriage is built on bitching about other people and then just being kind to each other regardless of the comments, it seems quite shallow.

A part of my marriange is built on being a pair of childish dicks together, yes. Then there's the rest - the support through serious illness and multiple bereavements. I think we're just fine - sometimes we feel like laughing at a fart or bitching light-heartedly about other people. Because we're best buddies.

I agree.

He hasn’t sent it to his entire family. Whoever’s wedding it was, has sent the image. Again, unless there’s a backstory with this person, they won’t have done it maliciously. They’ll have either 1) thought you looked so happy or 2) not even paying attention to you because it was their wedding.

That photo exists and circulated without him doing anything. He’s seen it but not immediately told you but if he had would that have been searching you out to show you a dodgy photo? So you have the type of relationship where you send dodgy pictures of each other with comments about it. You made a comment about someone else and he’s responded that there’s an unflattering picture of you. You feel like he’s “saved” it up to be malicious, despite you otherwise having a relationship where you could bring this up. If I wasn’t in the same room as my husband at the same time I viewed an unflattering photo of him, I wouldn’t necessarily make a deal of sending it to him. If he made a comment about someone being “toothy”, for example, I would say had he seen that toothy grin he’s doing in the photo. Not as a way of “saving it up” but his comment would have triggered the memory of the picture I’d seen.