Friend won’t apologise

[NurtureGrow]

This has been a while, but would appreciate some input.

I had a situation with a friend a few years ago.
She misunderstood something I said, and got upset. I can say 100% I didn’t say this or have this intention at all. She told others I did and she stopped talking to me. Even though I hadn’t, I immediately apologised for anything I did that led to the confusion, I also did some months later by letter. It was very painful, but during the silence, I eventually tried to accept I wouldn’t hear from her again.

Last year she asked my family to come to an unnecessary group event. It was unexpected and I said unfortunately I didn’t feel comfortable as she has never apologised. I offered to have a call and said I would always be ok with that now or anytime in the future. I want to forgive her and am very forgiving by nature. She said she would not apologise, what happened, happened, and declined the call.

Two weeks ago I had to see her again at a group event we both had to go to. Everything is awkward and strange. For me this was all unnecessary. She has talked before about how sad the ‘loss of the friendship’ is. For me it is depressing as the situation was unnecessary, the silence unnecessary, and the awkwardness unnecessary now.

I simply feel I need an apology. I can’t move past it without. I don’t want to spend time with someone I feel resentful of. It has felt very manipulative to me, that she wanted to see my family even though she won’t apologise. Other friends also wanted us there and tried to push for us to go. At this point, without an apology, I would prefer not to see or hear from her again because it is too painful. I don’t understand why she won’t apologise or even why she wants to see me..

My question is AIBU? What would others do?

You are NOT being unreasonable - a request for an apology is reasonable

You are being unreasonable - you should agree to meet her, try to be friends again and carry on as if nothing happened even though she won’t apologise

@NurtureGrow I'm sure you've heard of people having different love languages, people also aparently have different apology languages (you can google it for more info). Like you, I'm someone who finds it difficult to get past feeling wronged without a verbal apology, and have lost friends because of it in the past. I have difficulty understanding how friends can be so forgiving of others, and they sometimes don't understand my rigidity. I also had a difficult childhood and also think I may be ND. I tend to be more flexible now, as I've gotten older. Your friend inviting you and your family to events is obviously some sort of olive branch and maybe that's her way of apologising. Maybe that's her love language.

OP says her friend continued to tell mutual friends OP had said something which she hadn’t - even after she had tried to clear up the misunderstanding and apologised for it. How is it minimising the hurt if the hurt wasn’t meant in the first place. OP is not responsible for the offence her friend chose to take. OK so friend wanted to distance herself, but continuing to double down on the lie with mutual friends is not seeking support, it’s just lying.

It's bloody obvious that she apologised that her friend took whatever she said in a way it was not intended and clarified what she meant. Her 'friend' has decided not to accept that and create drama.

The details of what were said are irrelevant. Honestly people on here are like vultures picking over carrion. They have no interest in the sentiments, they just want to revel in the gory details.

This is one of the times when I'd say you'd need to hear the other side.

It's quite common for someone who has said something unacceptable but doesn't want to admit it to reply with "I didn't mean it the way you took it" trying to put the wrong on the other person, and trying to exact an apology goes with that behaviour, as does "I apologised" when actually what they'd said was not an apology but an "I'm sorry if..." non-apology.

She clearly doesn't feel she needs to apologise. Why would you want an apology that you know wouldn't be sincere?

I think you’ve got fixated on receiving an apology that has zero value or sincerity at this stage, and would just be performative. I also think it’s fine not to forgive her but I don’t think you’re quite as forgiving a person as you think you are, as you’re prepared to lose a friendship because your friend won’t say the words you need to hear from her. I’d move on OP, you’re never going to get what you want from this friendship.

Or you could turn it around. Some posters are too naive and willing to believe anything they read.

You want to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet for their unbiased opinion but hide facts to suit yourself. Fine. Posters like you will give them what they need I guess.

YABU because whatever you said originally was enough that you apologised. Even if it was just "Im sorry I hurt you, it wasnt my intention" and an explanation for the misunderstanding.

So now you've apologised. Shes taken some time and invited you to something and you wont unless she apologies?

What is she apologising for? And why would it even occur to her she has something to apologise for?

To me your apology should be the end of it. And you either from then are friends or aren't. Unless theres something im missing

OP has been very vague, saying she did say it but didn't intend it to hurt her friend and then saying she didn't say it. It seems like she's not taking responsibility for saying something horrible to me.

So i think this is part of the problem. If someone apologises you accept it immediately and move on. That's ok. But not everyone is like that. Just because person A is ready to apologise doesnt mean person B is obliged to accept and let it go immediately. Sometimes people need time to reflect

You had this friend, you sounds genuinely hurt by something you said. Told everyone how hurt she was. You apologised and later when shed moved on she reached out. And now because she a. Was upset in the first place and b. Needed time to accept the apology you want one because she didnt move on quick enough?

I think you either need to reach out and talk it out potentially without the apology and move on or accept the friendship is over and be civil.

It's a hard one op but I think if it's such a big deal to you then you need to reach out and lay it on the table to see where you stand and move on from there rather than sitting dwelling on it and waiting for an apology that may never come. I'd do this wether or not you want to rekindle the friendship.

I think I'm being a bit tetchy this morning, sorry.

Fuck me, its a forum, not a court of law.

Well then you have your answer, don’t you? The apology is non-negotiable for you. She isn’t prepared to give it. You’re waiting for her to “see the light”, but it isn’t going to happen.

if she said "I am sorry IF" that's not an apology.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-apology_apology

You need to calm down a bit 😂

I'm not the one demanding to know what was said and wanting to pick all the details apart, going on about how we only have the OP's word. 😂

Several thoughts occur to me..

1. as pp said.. she wanted to end the friendship.. or wanted to piss you off, or wanted to show she could extract an apology, perhaps to show dominance.. and it backfired. or
2. You have not met her request for an apology... she knows that people talk to you about this and doesn't like that they might be hearing her described in a less than flattering light.. Maybe she heard something recently and this is why its come up and she's taken the initiative of saying OK then I will meet her at this event. I will prove to you all that I am not the instigator and am magnaimus enough to be civil. or
3. She has FOMO and overwhelming curiosity.. Its not enough for her to ghost you, she still wants to know how you are taking it and how you are dealing with it. If you still see the friendship group on your own terms then it sounds like you are dealing with it quite well.
4. She includes wanting to see the family - because that makes her look like a caring person.. who loves your family and wants to be close to them, but you are stopping her from doing that. So she's making the sacrifice of seeing you because she is full of regret for missing them.

I don't think a rapproachment at an event in front of lots of other people is ever a good idea. If there are any bridges left to be mended - far better for you both to meet privately and thrash it out that way. You will get a far more realistic response from her if she's not playing to the crowd. And it will give you time to work out how you feel about all of this and say what you want to say without worrying about what interested onlookers think. If doesn't work, you can still go to the event with your family.. and just agree to stay away from each other.

It sounds like you have been very hurt by this. If you think its some kind of misunderstanding, rather than a deliberate attempt at.. well I don't really know what it could be an attempt at, only you do... but if you think there is any genuine attempt to clear things up.. then a private one on one would clarify that. Either way, it would give you both some clarity, a chance to say what you really think and perhaps some closure.

Was going to add. I think apologies are over rated and can be just meaningless way of getting someone else to move on. Maybe what you both need is just some understanding of what was going on, on both sides. Genuine information would allow you to make a genuine choice.

This is playground level, frankly. Grudges that go on this long about a relatively small matter (in the scheme of things) - requiring an apology, refusing to turn up because you feel uncomfortable etc. Honestly, grow up. Look at the news and truly awful things happening to give you perspective. I’m not saying you should be close, trusting or seek her out, but be vaguely friendly and civilised fgs

I'm not really sure why she owes you an apology. It seems like she believes you put your foot in it somehow, and the friendship ended. You tried to apologise, but were met with silence. That's the point you should have shrugged and tried to move on.

If you really wanted to re-connect, the opportunity was last year when she invited you to a thing, but you wouldn't go without a phone call and an apology from her. She doesn't feel like she owes you one. Just like you don't feel like you owe HER one. Unfortunately, that ship has now sailed. And I can see it from her point of view that you spat on her attempt to re-connect.

I think either you're going to have to either swallow this idea of needing an apology, or just forget about her. You have to decide what you want most. An apology, or a re-connection.

Anyone else certain they've read about this friendship drama before?

To be fair though, it's always worth clearing the air, so you can at least be in their company without feeling awkward, if you have shared friends.

@NurtureGrow I think you sound quite rigid. It's not really a great character quality to say that you're the kind of person who will "forgive instantly", if you qualify that by saying you absolutely must have an apology in order to forgive.

EXACTLY.

She's clearly not that kind of person, because she's been holding this convoluted grudge for however many years.
This "YOU MUST SAY SORRY!" is very playground-esque.

OP, we've all got examples of friendships in our lives that came to confusing and upsetting ways. It's just how life is.
I had a friend all through childhood, and through university, that I counted as one of my dearest friends.
We met up at the pub, shortly before I was due to start my teacher training, she showed me her holiday photos, and we agreed to see each other soon. We separated for the night, waving and smiling. That was in the summer of 2007. I've only seen her once since that day, at a school reunion in about 2012. She scuttled up to me, calling me by my childhood nickname and gave me an awkward hug. No communication since. She's facebook friends with my older sister, but not with me.

I don't know how or why the friendship ended. It still annoys me, but I've had to just shrug and crack on.

This is what I also feel happened.

You are absolutely right in your actions, and it's what I'd do too. She doesn't get to pick you up and pretend all's fine on her whim, without taking responsibility. Better to not have her in your life.