Friend won’t apologise

[NurtureGrow]

This has been a while, but would appreciate some input.

I had a situation with a friend a few years ago.
She misunderstood something I said, and got upset. I can say 100% I didn’t say this or have this intention at all. She told others I did and she stopped talking to me. Even though I hadn’t, I immediately apologised for anything I did that led to the confusion, I also did some months later by letter. It was very painful, but during the silence, I eventually tried to accept I wouldn’t hear from her again.

Last year she asked my family to come to an unnecessary group event. It was unexpected and I said unfortunately I didn’t feel comfortable as she has never apologised. I offered to have a call and said I would always be ok with that now or anytime in the future. I want to forgive her and am very forgiving by nature. She said she would not apologise, what happened, happened, and declined the call.

Two weeks ago I had to see her again at a group event we both had to go to. Everything is awkward and strange. For me this was all unnecessary. She has talked before about how sad the ‘loss of the friendship’ is. For me it is depressing as the situation was unnecessary, the silence unnecessary, and the awkwardness unnecessary now.

I simply feel I need an apology. I can’t move past it without. I don’t want to spend time with someone I feel resentful of. It has felt very manipulative to me, that she wanted to see my family even though she won’t apologise. Other friends also wanted us there and tried to push for us to go. At this point, without an apology, I would prefer not to see or hear from her again because it is too painful. I don’t understand why she won’t apologise or even why she wants to see me..

My question is AIBU? What would others do?

You are NOT being unreasonable - a request for an apology is reasonable

You are being unreasonable - you should agree to meet her, try to be friends again and carry on as if nothing happened even though she won’t apologise

I couldn't be bothered with the angst, drama and hand wringing. It sound like a historical romance and social norms, will Gilbert think me forward if I cast a mere glance at him?

So you did say something then? It wasn’t that she misheard you… but that she didn’t receive it the way you meant it.

has it crossed your mind that perhaps you have some responsibility here? That you hurt her by what you said?

Clearly not. OP you come across as very hard work.

I can't stand people like you that say they're forgiving, but are clearly not. If you were a forgiving person you wouldn't need an apology. That's not actually how forgiveness works. It's an internal process.

And let's face it, you apologised in order to get an apology. And you'll have told everyone about the letter and your attempts to reach out, because you are performing.

Even if she does apologise will it matter? She probably won't mean it, and will be doing it under duress. Why would you accept a meaningless apology? I mean you would, because you'll feel like you've won, and will be able to tell everyone.

I wouldn't want a forced apology/one for the sake of it. But I also wouldn't want to engage with her on a more than surface level without it being addressed fairly (which may realistically include an apology).

I used to live in the same block of flats as a friend; our children played together. She sometimes fed my child things she knew I wouldn't want them to eat (I was never expecting her to feed them; she could have sent them home to get food).

There is something else I suspect her of (misleading people about the ingredients in a food she sells), but I can't be absolutely sure, and wouldn't be able to prove it.

And after I moved out I saw her posting artwork online which was at least partly made from someone else's (without permission or attribution), so I linked to the original art on the post. At that point she blocked me.

Some time later she unblocked me and sent me a message as if nothing had happened. And I've seen and spoken to her since. But she's never addressed it.

You feel you need the apology but actually OP, do you really ?
You can’t force her to reveal her true feelings nor to apologise. Sometimes you just have to accept that’s the way it is. The relationship moved away from you after the misunderstanding and she doesn’t want to talk about it.
Isn't hanging on for an apology actually more detrimental to your well-being?

I mean I know it’s likely you will never be good friends again anyway after all this time, but if your paths cross with her being in your community in some way, isn’t it better to just be civil and nod and smile and move on to a level of polite communication without the awkwardness, an acceptable level that can become the new normal and that you can get used to after a while.

You can be nice to her when necessary because you did nothing wrong. And because you are a nice person anyway. You were always nice to her. Everybody else knows that. I don’t mean overly nice, reaching out to her …just pleasant when you see her. So other than that, just let her go from your thoughts and worries. Stop letting her be your focus.

She’s not a friend. Forget her. A decent friend would have allowed you to explain and listened to you. The fact she didn’t and hasn’t made any effort in two years says she isn’t a friend.

we all make mistakes and speak out of turn. I’d move on.

There's a line in The French Lieutenant's Woman, something like "language is like shot silk, so much depends on the light in which it is held". Words are often ambiguous, she heard them the way she did because of her opinion of you or because of her own insecurities. Whichever reason, it's the very same reason she can't manage to now apologise.

What is an 'unnecessary group event'? Do you mean she organised something just to see if you would attend? I dont get what you mean by this

Honestly why do you need the details? You dont. Her mate misunderstood, she apologised for the misunderstanding, her mate did not and instead has bad mouthed her.

YANBU. Your ex mate is no mate. Move on. If you have to be on tge sane places, just be courteous. Good luck x

Honestly why do you need the details? You dont. Her mate misunderstood, she apologised for the misunderstanding, her mate did not and instead has bad mouthed her.

YANBU. Your ex mate is no mate. Move on. If you have to be on the same place, just be courteous. Good luck x

I've been the friend in a similar situation. I had a relation who I was very close to. They were the first person I would share any news with, even before my mother and sister. Then, over the course of a few years, she made several comments that we're very hurtful to me. I called her out on it a few times and was always met with a non - apology , always suggesting I had misunderstood her. I chose to let it go each time. But then she not only made a really hurtful comment, but treated me in such a way that several others commented about it to me. At that point I decided enough was enough and told her that we were done. Once again she gave me the ' but you've misunderstood ' response but I decided that actually, I haven't misunderstood her and I no longer have anything to do with her. And yes, I have told a few others what she did and no doubt she would say I am bad-mouthing her, but given that others witnessed her behaviour towards me, they are aware that if anyone, I have underplayed the situation. She probably thinks I should apologise to her, but I can tell you, it ould be a cold day in Hell before she gets one.

I would be very interested to hear your friends side of this.

I personally want the details as op is asking for an opinion. How in the world can anyone give advice with half a story?

I could start a thread.

Me and and dh argued tonight. He’s a twat and now he won’t apologise. I should just leave him right?

You: Yes. That’s awful!

😂

I don't think we do need to know and OP's version of events may be different to her friend's. What matters is whether they both want to be friends anymore despite all that's happened.

I would be open to it, if she apologised.

Although I’ve tried, I just can’t accept I’m worth so little she could accuse me of something I didn’t too, tell others, tell me not to contact her and then silent treatment for almost a year, then get in contact and want to pick up like nothing happened. I just can’t accept it… it would be less painful if I could accept it, but I just feel I need an apology.

But I wanted some feedback and 57% of people think I should be ok with it (that I am being unreasonable) and presumably would be ok with this themselves, which is interesting and something for me to consider. Thank you.

Dont do it Op. She's toxic.

I dont know which part is worse...getting pretend offended, trying to turn others against you, not speaking for a year, or having the coldness to pretend nothing has happened.

Protect your dignity. Don't go back. You're not a punching bag.

(Of course be fake friendly if you see her at an event....but you keep her at an arms distance and never ever get close).

I wish there was a ‘🙏’ emoji, thank you…

And thank you everyone for your replies, insights, I really appreciate it ❤️

I think you should dump her.

So you cant believe she thought so little of you that she would think youd hurt her or say something hurtful ones purpose.

But you think so little of her that youd believe her accusation malicious and her silence spite not pain?

For me the reason you should let it go is because you apologised. And I dont think you should have apologised if it was only to recieve one back, thats not how an apology works. But the fact you did, means I think thats an acknowledgement you were at fault and therefore why would she possibly think she owes an apology.

The absolute best I think you could hope for, is if you reached out and said her silence really hurt you and youre surprised she reached out, what changed. And you may get a heartfelt explanation - if that is good enough? But I can totally see why she wouldnt think she owed you an apology and you either need to accept that and be friends or accept it and dont.