Friend won’t apologise

[NurtureGrow]

This has been a while, but would appreciate some input.

I had a situation with a friend a few years ago.
She misunderstood something I said, and got upset. I can say 100% I didn’t say this or have this intention at all. She told others I did and she stopped talking to me. Even though I hadn’t, I immediately apologised for anything I did that led to the confusion, I also did some months later by letter. It was very painful, but during the silence, I eventually tried to accept I wouldn’t hear from her again.

Last year she asked my family to come to an unnecessary group event. It was unexpected and I said unfortunately I didn’t feel comfortable as she has never apologised. I offered to have a call and said I would always be ok with that now or anytime in the future. I want to forgive her and am very forgiving by nature. She said she would not apologise, what happened, happened, and declined the call.

Two weeks ago I had to see her again at a group event we both had to go to. Everything is awkward and strange. For me this was all unnecessary. She has talked before about how sad the ‘loss of the friendship’ is. For me it is depressing as the situation was unnecessary, the silence unnecessary, and the awkwardness unnecessary now.

I simply feel I need an apology. I can’t move past it without. I don’t want to spend time with someone I feel resentful of. It has felt very manipulative to me, that she wanted to see my family even though she won’t apologise. Other friends also wanted us there and tried to push for us to go. At this point, without an apology, I would prefer not to see or hear from her again because it is too painful. I don’t understand why she won’t apologise or even why she wants to see me..

My question is AIBU? What would others do?

You are NOT being unreasonable - a request for an apology is reasonable

You are being unreasonable - you should agree to meet her, try to be friends again and carry on as if nothing happened even though she won’t apologise

So basically what you’re saying is that OP has written a pack of lies here ? OP has explained her friend took what she said the wrong way. OP explained and apologised for the misunderstanding. Friend refused to accept it and lied to everyone about what was said. Friend is manipulative in holding out an olive branch. If OP accepts it it looks like she’s the one who was wrong and friend is the one doing the forgiving. OP should leave the friendship where it was. Dead in the water.

It is impossible to understand the situation only knowing that OP thinks her comment was inoffensive. It’s surely possible to give us some idea without being outing.

We need some idea. How can we know whether an apology was needed without that?

‘You can be right or you can be happy’

sometimes it’s better to accept we are all flawed human beings and get things wrong. Pushing for an apology at this stage is trying to control another person. Can you accept her for who she is? Or not? That’s up to you

I know what you mean OP. It's the injustice. I totally get you apologising automatically at the start as that's what we are trained to do. And you don't want to fall out or your friend to be upset so you apologise. But actually you've taken responsibility for something you didn't actually do and the injustice of your friend still bearing a grudge and not trying to acknowledge that she was wrong must be really annoying.

You may or may not just have to accept it. But it sounds like it's not going to change as she won't apologise (which is a sad reflection on her) and if there's nothing you can do then you need to try and forget about it. Hard and annoying as that is. No point letting it preoccupy you to your own detriment.

What do you want her to apologise for?

When you apologised to her how did you word it? "I'm sorry you are hurt by what I said" is very different to "I'm sorry you misunderstood what I said and got offended". Inviting you to events may be her way of saying she has forgiven you and moved on. Do you actually know what you want her to apologise for (what she did or how you feel) and could you just regard her as an acquaintance and also move on?

You don’t sound very forgiving to me, if you demand an apology. You sound quite overbearing.

Have a chat with yourself about it, write it down if you want to.

WHY do you want the apology?

really why?

Why do you think this will change things?

is it to prove to everyone that you didn’t do it and were wronged ?

to make everyone know that you are a good person, to hold it up and wave it around to humiliate her

is it because you want the friendship back?

is it to make her feel truly sorry for what she did?

all of those?

you don’t need her to approve any of those things!!!! You can just have a personal conversation with yourself and know what is true. Fuck her. Downgrade her to an acquaintance and forget it all.

You do not need her apology to do this.

Yes I’m not entirely sure what it is you want your friend to apologise for .
Plus I always feel that an apology you have to ask for is pretty meaningless really.
You need to decide if you want to be friends or not

If something was said that the other person was upset by, bad enough that we aren’t allowed to know what it is then I’m on the side of the friend tbh

Why are you assuming it’s so bad when OP has said the only reason she hasn’t said, is because it’s outing ? And an ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ apology is completely appropriate in the circumstances, given that it’s friend who has misinterpreted what was said and refused to acknowledge OP’s explanation.

There's your answer, then.

She won't apologise. You won't move on without it.

The friendship is dead and buried. Done. Let it go.

Perhaps OP feels an apology is in order for the way she was treated after the event, despite explaining and apologising for the misunderstanding. Friend cut her off for a year and has now extended a fake olive branch designed to make it look as though OP was in the wrong and friend had forgiven her. Horribly manipulative and designed to try to smooth things over without taking responsibility for the way she treated OP.

Yes, this is what’s happened. She is trying to make it look like I was wrong. I still don’t understand why she did it.

Some people asked why I apologised initially. I would always do that in any misunderstanding. I think that’s the gracious thing to do. But after I did, she told me not to contact her and kept that up for over year. And now she wants me about 🤦‍♀️ I think you are right, that I know the truth and that’s what matters. I would have done anything to resolve it.

There are so many helpful responses, (thank you)

How old are you all?

I would not want to be friends with someone who told lies about me and then ghosted me for a year, even with an apology.

Or the other person has just moved on with their life and thinks the op needs help for whatever issues they need help with to move on themselves?

But yes in general to all @Rosscameasdoody

Requiring an apology is very ritualistic. It sounds like you need the apology to reinforce your sense of holding the moral high ground here. It's one thing to welcome an apology and for it to make you feel better about the other person - that's very natural. But actually demanding one feels a bit teenage.

In practice, you either want to be friends with her or you don't. It sounds like she isn't the person you want her to be, and that won't change even if she does apologise through gritted teeth.

You should ditch the friendship and avoid this person. Shes made you feel awful and is refusing to apologise. Let it go.

So you said something that really upset her (even if she misunderstood it) but now, despite saying what a wonderfully forgiving person you are, you expect her to apologise and refuse to move on otherwise?

I don't get it at all OP. I don't understand what she's apologising for or why you're so obsessed with it.

What?

@JemimaTiggywinkles @Rosscameasdoody I wrote a letter as I was trying to be respectful, whilst doing what I could to amend. I had a small hope we would chat, both apologise and it might start to be a bit better, but no.

You can take the stance that you won't be friends without an apology but equally she can take the stance that she will not apologise to you.

It sounds like she isn't going to apologise so you need to decide what you will do. If you don't want to be friends then don't but you can't keep demanding an apology as she may not want to give one.

OP, she is toxic, manipulative and you have been utterly played.

Relentlessly trying to sort something out, apologising and writing letters for something you never did, is batshit and a bit unhinged IMO.

Step away from her.
Stop engaging.
Move on with your life.

Are you ND that you would be so rigid in your pursuit of resolution?

This is not someone you should want to have anything further to do with.

You need to focus on protecting yourself.

Not all relationships are worth saving.
Accepting reality that some friendships end, is an important part of good mental health.

You cannot change her.
Move on with the other friendships and completely drop the rope with her.

She is playing with you. Wishing you well.