Friend won’t apologise

[NurtureGrow]

This has been a while, but would appreciate some input.

I had a situation with a friend a few years ago.
She misunderstood something I said, and got upset. I can say 100% I didn’t say this or have this intention at all. She told others I did and she stopped talking to me. Even though I hadn’t, I immediately apologised for anything I did that led to the confusion, I also did some months later by letter. It was very painful, but during the silence, I eventually tried to accept I wouldn’t hear from her again.

Last year she asked my family to come to an unnecessary group event. It was unexpected and I said unfortunately I didn’t feel comfortable as she has never apologised. I offered to have a call and said I would always be ok with that now or anytime in the future. I want to forgive her and am very forgiving by nature. She said she would not apologise, what happened, happened, and declined the call.

Two weeks ago I had to see her again at a group event we both had to go to. Everything is awkward and strange. For me this was all unnecessary. She has talked before about how sad the ‘loss of the friendship’ is. For me it is depressing as the situation was unnecessary, the silence unnecessary, and the awkwardness unnecessary now.

I simply feel I need an apology. I can’t move past it without. I don’t want to spend time with someone I feel resentful of. It has felt very manipulative to me, that she wanted to see my family even though she won’t apologise. Other friends also wanted us there and tried to push for us to go. At this point, without an apology, I would prefer not to see or hear from her again because it is too painful. I don’t understand why she won’t apologise or even why she wants to see me..

My question is AIBU? What would others do?

You are NOT being unreasonable - a request for an apology is reasonable

You are being unreasonable - you should agree to meet her, try to be friends again and carry on as if nothing happened even though she won’t apologise

She doesn’t feel that she owes you any apology. This won’t happen . Time to move on.
The best solution is that the two of you meet and agree to disagree. There is no point hashing over it because you don’t agree and will never agree. At least the awkwardness will be over. Perhaps take some old photos and remind yourselves of the good times you had together?

It sounds like you have a mindset where the only ‘closure ‘ is a situation where you are vindicated and found publicly to be in the right. This is not going to happen so you need to reframe what a good outcome could look like .

I thinks she wanted to fall out with you but picked the wrong thing to do it with.

She latched on to something you said (maybe claiming you were racist or something equally awful or shocking to you) and you felt you needed to clear it up so nobody thought that of you.

But it was all a scam, and not even about what you said, she just picked that one hill to die on because she wanted to fall out with you.

Clearing up the ‘misunderstanding’ was never going to fix it. She is not going to apologise because she probably has a list of grievances against you.

She doesn’t like you or is jealous of you or there is something else going on that she doesn’t have the words to express. You are better off without someone like that in your life.

Wish her well. And move on x

@Elmaas thank you.

Yes, I have wondered if I am ND. I have searched online, asked people, but haven’t been able to find anything to confirm. Friends I’ve asked have said no.

I do find relationships (platonic) confusing sometimes - does everyone? This is the only one I’ve had this issue with though.

My upbringing wasn’t easy, I’ve done a lot of therapy. But I live in a way, I believe highly in treating people well. And I find it difficult for someone to suggest otherwise. I also believe in communication. Silent treatment is the absolute worst for me.

Do you know how to find out about ND? I’m not sure if it would help to know. But maybe.

So you said something and she misinterpreted it. You tried to explain what you meant but she refused to listen. Am I right? If so, then fuck her right off and don’t give it a second thought anymore. Friends don’t accuse their mates of being liars unless there are significant trust issues. The fact that you tried to explain yourself and she refused to listen says it all. This person was never your friend.

Yes, I also think this is probably true. When I think back I remember a few small signs something was wrong. I was organising an event sometime before (unrelated) and I told the group an old friend was coming, I was excited. I remember I slightly saw her roll her eyes. I thought it was strange and didn’t know why. But I think you are probably right. It’s hard to not know why, but we can’t always know why, right.

(It wasn’t something racist though)

It’s very hard without knowing what exactly was said but I think you’re being very rigid in your ‘I must have an apology and nothing else is acceptable to me’ - it does come across as you’re right and it’s your way or no way.

Sometimes as adults we have agree to disagree and move on. I really can’t see that a begrudging forced apology years later benefits anyone here.

You need to make an adult decision to put this behind you and move on as friends or realise you’re done.

She hasn't offered an olive branch
That would be either acknowledging there was a mistake and she was wrong or acknowledging her behaviour was wrong
She's done neither

This woman is toxic and no friend to the Op
She's " hoovering"
Which means she is trying to get the Op back so that she can start up her tactics again

How ? She’s refused to call and apologise to OP. And if OP accepts this ‘olive branch’ it will look as though her friend is being magnanimous and forgiving when it’s nothing of the sort. It’s designed to make it look as though OP is in the wrong so that friend can smooth things over without apologising for her past behaviour towards OP. She’s no friend, she’s manipulative and a drama queen.

If someone is that subborn, even though you've made it clear she was wrong in her interpretation of what you said, then I'd give up on her. She's disrespecting you, isnt she.Wiyh some people, stubbornness is almost pathological. They just can't being themselves to apologise.

Bloody hell, you can tell the egotists that don't apologise on this thread! Who knew there were so many of them? Shocking!

I read it more as OP apologising for the fact that what she said wasn’t meant in the way her friend took it, not that she was apologising for what she actually said. A ‘sorry you feel that way’ kind of apology which is entirely appropriate if OP didn’t mean what her friend thought.

OP been treated terribly over a misunderstanding, which she apologised for and tried to quickly clear up, of course she deserves an apology.

People are absolutely fucked up!

So much navel gazing dude.

It's been too long. There is no way of going back to a friendship, even if she did apologise. It's been shared with too many people who all have their own opinions. It's too late.

Let it go. Be polite if you have to cross paths but she's an acquaintance now

Absolutely understandable to want an apology. And very disconcerting that she won't apologise but wants to re-establish contact. I think letting her back into your like would result in more upset and drama.

Depends on what you’re apologising for though surely. If we take OP at face value she hasn’t done anything wrong. She explained the misunderstanding straight away and said she was sorry if her friend had misunderstood. Her friend insisted on continuing to misunderstand, lied to mutual friends and cut OP off. And worse than that, now she’s seemingly offered OP an olive branch which is actually a poisoned chalice. If OP accepts, it will look as though she was in the wrong and friend has magnanimously forgiven her. If she refuses, she will look petty and friend will tell everyone ‘well at least I tried’. Either way friend doesn’t have to climb down from her high horse and apologise for what, if true, is an appalling way to treat a friend. Manipulative and unpleasant. Not a friend I’d want - not least because she found it so easy to think the worst of OP even after she’d explained and apologised.

The reason I ask is that I can be black and white with right and wrong and can see myself in your posts.
But you can let it go and decide that while you like to be forgiving, you need to protect yourself too.

Her eye rolling was nasty and confirms she has an issue with you.
She was not ever your friend to do that.

The more you reflect I think you will find peace in the realisation that there is no friendship to save.

What has she apologised for? What did she clear up? Op won’t even hint slightly at what she said. To me that speaks volumes.

The whole situation is outing anyway. The op is not completely convinced her comment is as innocent as she insists.

I don’t think OP has said she thinks what she said was inoffensive - only that it wasn’t meant in the way her friend took it. I don’t think it matters what was said, the point is that OP tried to clear up the misunderstanding straight away by explaining what she meant, and apologising if she’d inadvertently caused offence. She can do no more than that and if her friend chose not to accept it then that’s on her, not OP.

But an apology is actually an acknowledgement of the truth of a situation if that person was in the wrong. It's not just some kind of performative moment..So there is a sort of gaslighting going on here. The OP has a right to feel aggrieved I think. If she really didn't say something and has explained that then the other person is being unreasonable.. and it isn't a true friendship.

I wonder what the other side of the story is as this one is very one sided......

OP cannot change her ex-friends reaction/actions - it is clear her friend does not feel she should have to apologise, she may or may not have valid reasons for that, we will never know.

OP can only change her own reaction, and after a year to not move on, to choose to hold onto such strong feelings of being wronged, instead of just holding at arms length and being civil when they cross paths suggests to me OP may be at least part of the issue.

Surely most adults have ex-friends, now acquaintances, in their lives where they bump into them and can ask how they are getting on, wish them well while not worrying about/reigniting why the friendship never worked out.

Same sort of thing happened to me - After about 20 years of deep friendship I feel l out with a friend and decided that the whole relationship was too toxic for me. For the next 10 years had no contact other the rejecting her when she reached out to me when she was having her first child. As far as I was concerned she was dead to me, to the point that I had not emotional connection to her. Because of that I agreed to meet up with a small group of friends, which included her. I knew I could ignore her is I wanted. Fast forward 5 years and we are back to being good pals because of that meet up. It took time, and I was gently coaxed by other friends (who knew how I felt,) who created opportunities for us to be in each others company and not feel under pressure. Nothing much was said about what happened, other then a drunk' I'm glad you're back in my life' and a hug.I don't want to talk to her about it now anyway, as we are both different people. The person I was is still hurt by the way she behaved, but I'm not that person anymore. Sometimes you've got to let sleeping dogs lie and move one.

However a few thoughts

1. If you do want her back in your life you can always rekindle slowly and once you both trust each other again talk about it.
2. Don't worry about what other people think - re what you did or didn't say - if they see you together, getting on well, they will assume that its all been sorted out ( if they remember it at all, don't forget they've been getting on with their own lives whilst all this has been dragging one)... also its none of their business.
3. Do you actually want her back on your life, or are you more bothered by what other friends are thinking? If the later, you might be underestimating your other friends, they know you and will be able to make up their own minds about what they are being told you said. Give them some credit.
4. Are you holding on to the need for an apology too hard.
5. Ask yourself what an apology looks like to you - Her reaching out to you and asking you to an unnecessary event is an apology in my mind, and perhaps you asking for a formal apology might have put her back up which is why she refused. You like a direct apology, but maybe shes not made that way. (FYI Im the same as you, but most people aren't in my experience, they find it very intimidating)

Nor sure if any of that is helpful, but you've just got to decide if the friendship is worth it or not. If it is, then just do it in reverse - rekindle the relationship, rebuild the trust then have a chat about it.

Given OP’s strength of feeling on this I don’t think that’s possible. Friend at least needs to acknowledge how OP feels and clear the air. It’s pretty toxic of her to just expect to be able to gloss over things and pick up a friendship after treating OP so shoddily.

Whatever you said, it obviously hurt her a great deal. You seem to be minimising it by saying you didn't MEAN for it to hurt her and it wasn't your intention, but it DID hurt her. She then distanced herself and sought support from her friends before finally letting it go and coming back to you. She doesn't have anything to apologise for.

An apology that's demanded is pointless, an apology should convey that the person is truly sorry and recognises the impact of their actions. If you have to force someone to give one it's meaningless.
I also think an overt apology isn't always necessary, if you'd wanted to renew the friendship you could've accepted the invitation, and seen how it played out on the day, a more natural conversation rather than than a staged call for an apology.

OP hasn’t said her comment was innocent. She said she didn’t say what her friend has accused her of saying. And that she explained and apologised for the misunderstanding at the time. If friend wasn’t prepared to accept that then it should have been the end of the friendship. Why is the friend trying to resurrect the friendship all this time in such a manipulative way - extending a fake olive branch which OP is damned if she accepts and damned if she doesn’t. It’s toxic.