Friend won’t apologise

[NurtureGrow]

This has been a while, but would appreciate some input.

I had a situation with a friend a few years ago.
She misunderstood something I said, and got upset. I can say 100% I didn’t say this or have this intention at all. She told others I did and she stopped talking to me. Even though I hadn’t, I immediately apologised for anything I did that led to the confusion, I also did some months later by letter. It was very painful, but during the silence, I eventually tried to accept I wouldn’t hear from her again.

Last year she asked my family to come to an unnecessary group event. It was unexpected and I said unfortunately I didn’t feel comfortable as she has never apologised. I offered to have a call and said I would always be ok with that now or anytime in the future. I want to forgive her and am very forgiving by nature. She said she would not apologise, what happened, happened, and declined the call.

Two weeks ago I had to see her again at a group event we both had to go to. Everything is awkward and strange. For me this was all unnecessary. She has talked before about how sad the ‘loss of the friendship’ is. For me it is depressing as the situation was unnecessary, the silence unnecessary, and the awkwardness unnecessary now.

I simply feel I need an apology. I can’t move past it without. I don’t want to spend time with someone I feel resentful of. It has felt very manipulative to me, that she wanted to see my family even though she won’t apologise. Other friends also wanted us there and tried to push for us to go. At this point, without an apology, I would prefer not to see or hear from her again because it is too painful. I don’t understand why she won’t apologise or even why she wants to see me..

My question is AIBU? What would others do?

You are NOT being unreasonable - a request for an apology is reasonable

You are being unreasonable - you should agree to meet her, try to be friends again and carry on as if nothing happened even though she won’t apologise

Do you want to be friends with someone who has such a low opinion of you they believed you had said something hurtful when you didn't?

Thank you @AbzMoz this is basically what’s happened. An agreeance to be cordial at group events.

I guess I just find it painful, as it was a loss to loose her friendship and our old friendship group.. and would rather not feel anything bad when I see her and I feel an apology could heal things, for me at least.

I guess maybe she won’t, because she doesn’t want me or others to know that her behaviour was wrong.

The other difficulty is I take treating people well very seriously, I don’t want to hurt anyone, I rarely have issues but always apologise right away if needed 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

The friendship is over. This was five years ago. Let it go. If you have to be in the same space as your ex-friend, be civil, polite, but let this go. You have given it too much head space.

It doesn't sound like she is the type who can apologise. Some are wired like that. Can be personality, childhood experience, all sorts of things. If it is going to leave you feeling hurt and resentful I think you have to accept the friendship being over. I think if she is capable of this in the first place, she isn't a good friend.

I also think it depends on what was actually said and what she thought you said.

Was it a case of she thought you said something completely different like you were talking about toasters she thought you were talking about swans or was it an inference thing. Did you say something that you feel she ‘took the wrong way’?

You sound horribly manipulative. Your apology wasn’t really an apology at all, because you haven’t taken any rest for what you said have you? I mean really you’ve just said it was her fault because she misunderstood your comment. What on earth do you think she has to apologise for?
it just sounds like dramalama nonsense to need someone to jump over hoops before you will interact with them.

Your friend has drawn a clear line. She’s not going to be forced into a puppet apology. Either get over it or move on.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale well this is the problem really, no I shouldn’t want to be friends really, no.

For some reason it’s important to me to treat people well, be caring and harmonious. I find it hard not to be harmonious.

But another part of me, can’t just say this was ok without an apology.. because I’m not fake and can’t hide behind a fake smile. And even though my confidence is possibly lower than it should be, it’s not that low that I can go without an apology and try to pretend it’s ok.

A mutual friend did say she is a coward. We were a group of friends. This has affected things. If we weren’t I would have just let it go a long time ago. One good thing is the others and I have still been able to meet.

There are so many important things to worry about, if you want to restart the friendship just let it go. If the apology means more than the friendship did maybe it’s not a relationship worth trying to save.

Kindly OP, you're coming across very waffly so if this is how you communicate then I'm afraid your friend is probably completely clueless as to what happened and what you want to happen next. Be direct, use your words. You're not friends anyway so you have nothing to lose, even getting it off your chest will help you to feel better and get closure I'm sure. Ask a mutual friend to mediate. Good luck 🙂

What an absurd post. Did you read OP’s posts? The OP has nothing to apologise for. The friend should apologise for telling everyone OP said something OP didn’t say. The friend admits OP didn’t say it but doesn’t want to admit it to mutual friends.

@AllHoityToity she took what I said the wrong way.

She has known me for so long, it’s hard to understand because I’ve always been very considerate. It’s hard to understand what may have led to it. I think she may resent me for something, but I’m not sure what.

No way is the friend clueless. She knows what she’s done, she’s just too much of a coward to admit she was wrong to other friends.

It is what it is@NurtureGrow. People need different things.
Your friend needed to share her upset with others about her interpretation of the event. She could make that happen and so she did.

It is unclear if you are upset about what she thought you could have said,( so a negative presumption of your character) or that she then talked to people about it, or both.
You feel wronged by her and feel the need for an apology. Unfortunately for you what you need is something you don’t have control over, because you need something from someone else.
You have a choice however to move past it, without closure, or not move past it.

I can barely understand OP with all the word salad tbh

I think you need to consider that she actually wanted to end the friendship. And she doesn’t want to apologise to you, because she still doesn’t want to be friends with you.

Sorry I don’t mean that to come across rudely. But maybe this is what she wants and you just need to let it go and walk away.

When you say she knows she has done wrong, is it that she believes she has actually done something wrong, or does she believe that she was justified in feeling hurt by your words but has now come to understand that you genuinely didn’t mean it?

Which bit do you need the apology for? Are you upset because she was upset or because she spoke to other people about her upset? Because if she feels like she was justifiably hurt by what what you said (and she might be right), even if it was a misunderstanding, she shouldn’t need to apologise.

What do the people around you who know what happened think? Do they feel you are justified in holding out for an apology or do they think you need to let it go?

I feel you’ve written about this before, a couple of times actually, apologies if not, but the consensus in this situation is generally that you can’t force someone to give you an apology, so move on.
Remain polite but let it go, the only person you are hurting by holding on to this need for an apology is yourself. Remain polite if you bump into each other, but treat her as an acquaintance or annoying colleague, rather than a friend.

You need to move on. Let it go. I feel you are clinging on to past resentments.

Either go to these group events and rise above it by being cordial & polite or if being around her is causing uncomfortable feelings of resentment then cut her off by not going. Move your life on elsewhere. Get new friends. Focus on positives.

@OhthatsabitshitI live in my body and do not think I’m manipulative at all.. but that why I’m here to get opinions/ advice, thank you

Yes i think a lot of people would just accept and file as byegones. Relationships are never quite the same with or without an apology tbh

I am the kind of person who can basically forgive immediately

Are you?

Her experience is that you said the thing. Yours is that you didn't. That emotional memory and the certainty that you are right is the same for both of you. I'm not clear if she now accepts that you didn't say it, however psychologically it almost makes no difference, because we often struggle to get past the emotional memory even when we later understand it not to be true - the memory is laid down and it needs a lightbulb moment to reconsolidate it.
She has made some moves. She obviously values you.

She was upset by something you said or she thought you said. You apologised. What does she owe an apology for? Not accepting your apology? Thats ridiculous. You either move on from it or you don’t, your choice.

I think you are possibly right, and in this case it’s fine. It would be a relief to move on. I can focus elsewhere.

I think I may focus on your answer, it brings me some solace, thank you.

@CarlaLemarchant I feel I need an apology because I was accused and she stopped talking to me for over a year.

Would you be ok for someone to accuse you of something, stop talking to you, and then want to start meeting up again without apologising? And even when you say you don’t feel comfortable without an apology and suggest talking, they decline to call?

That’s what I genuinely want to know. Please tell me!