Friend won’t apologise

[NurtureGrow]

This has been a while, but would appreciate some input.

I had a situation with a friend a few years ago.
She misunderstood something I said, and got upset. I can say 100% I didn’t say this or have this intention at all. She told others I did and she stopped talking to me. Even though I hadn’t, I immediately apologised for anything I did that led to the confusion, I also did some months later by letter. It was very painful, but during the silence, I eventually tried to accept I wouldn’t hear from her again.

Last year she asked my family to come to an unnecessary group event. It was unexpected and I said unfortunately I didn’t feel comfortable as she has never apologised. I offered to have a call and said I would always be ok with that now or anytime in the future. I want to forgive her and am very forgiving by nature. She said she would not apologise, what happened, happened, and declined the call.

Two weeks ago I had to see her again at a group event we both had to go to. Everything is awkward and strange. For me this was all unnecessary. She has talked before about how sad the ‘loss of the friendship’ is. For me it is depressing as the situation was unnecessary, the silence unnecessary, and the awkwardness unnecessary now.

I simply feel I need an apology. I can’t move past it without. I don’t want to spend time with someone I feel resentful of. It has felt very manipulative to me, that she wanted to see my family even though she won’t apologise. Other friends also wanted us there and tried to push for us to go. At this point, without an apology, I would prefer not to see or hear from her again because it is too painful. I don’t understand why she won’t apologise or even why she wants to see me..

My question is AIBU? What would others do?

You are NOT being unreasonable - a request for an apology is reasonable

You are being unreasonable - you should agree to meet her, try to be friends again and carry on as if nothing happened even though she won’t apologise

I fell out with my best friend a few years ago.

I can’t remember exactly how we got back in touch but I think I liked a post of hers on FB and then she reached out an olive branch by messaging me something (no apology).

We started talking a bit more over social media (no apology still) asking how the family were etc and then we decided to meet.

We met and talked about everything but that and it was only later on when we were alone and the moment felt right that it was brought up and apologies were made.

So perhaps her inviting your family was an olive branch and once you guys had met up again and were comfortable around each other again, then this situation could have been spoken about in person.

I think speaking over texts isn’t working for you guys and you just need to talk about it in person but that means meeting her without an apology.

I think your friendship as it was is over. You may not get what you want.

It's sounds like apart of the hurt is that you think your friend should have never misunderstood because they should have known you and your friendship better. To move on, you should try to understand what your friend thought and why they acted as they did. They did not act with kindness or maturity in freezing you out. Hurt people, hurt people. We all make mistakes and don't behave in line with our values.

Also, your other friendship group probably didn't agree, who knows? Why is an apology so important? If you do have a private conversation and get what you want, then what?

It seems like you need the apology for public vindication for them to admit wrongdoing rather than facilitating healing in relationship and moving on.

You can move on without an apology. You can be right without anyone admitting they are wrong. Set boundaries. If you want to be included in friendship activities, maybe agree to attend and keep things surface level polite. What would it take to get to that?

@NurtureGrow can you not give us a very similar example of what you said, how you meant it, and how she interpreted it?

You say she told people lies about you, but if she was simply repeating what you said and how she interpreted it, that’s her truth isn’t it?

Without the details I can’t really advise.

I think, at some point, you need to let it go.

That doesn't mean continuing the friendship or having her in your life. It simply means acknowledging that this thing has happened, it's damaged your friendship beyond repair and she's unwilling to take the steps that you feel are necessary to move towards fixing things.

That is all you need to know. You can't force an apology out of someone or someone to talk with you about this. And why would you want an apology you had to ply out of them? It wouldn't be genuine.

If she's refusing to apologise, there's a good chance she still feels justified in her position. She could also be someone who is too proud/cowardly to admit when she's wrong, but the reason why she won't apologise is irrelevant.

Whether or not she is even due to apologise is entirely dependent on how reasonable her misunderstanding was. Was it done in total bad-faith and she took what you said/did in the worst possible light and ran with it to be malicious? Or, was there a reasonable leap she made from what you said/did and she misinterpreted based on that?

In the end, the only thing that matters is she's refusing to apologise. You're refusing to move on without an apology.

You're at a stalemate and neither of you are budging. So let it go and move on. Be civil when you need to see her and no more than that.

Not everything needs to be some long, drawn out drama and I'm sorry, but if this was years ago, you should have moved on years ago. Just be polite and civil for the sake of everyone else. That's it.

She sent an olive brand by inviting you, you gave her a clear response by taking it and snapping it in half.

Without knowing the details of the problem all I can say is you both see the incident differently and I can only assume you have both felt wronged and hurt in some way. She is willing to move on, you are holding onto it and causing a stalemate.

Either way, because you will meet occasionally through joint friends you need to move past it, that is something you can choose to do. You don't need to be close friends again if you don't want to, but for the sake of your other friends accept it is what it is, choose to end the awkwardness, and be civil when you do meet.

Yes @Isitreallysohard I’ve been completely direct. After she asked my family go to the group event, I took the time to text this very clearly. I asked if she wanted to call. She said no. She wanted me to go to the group event, but she didn’t want to call.

I said there is nothing more I can do, I’ve done all I can do.

Sorry it’s a weird situation, honestly it’s been weird.

I fell out with a friend following a heated discussion about something that had no impact on her.

Basically, she berated me for not giving a man, who'd been a bit of a dick to me, the benefit of the doubt and she really pissed me off.

We didn't speak for a year and, out of the blue, I got an invitation to her housewarming party. I didn't even know she'd moved. I went.

The conversation that led to the fallout has never even been discussed. I didn't expect an apology from her. It was water under the bridge and we picked up where we left off.

The invitation was the apology and the expression of sadness at the loss of our friendship. Actions speak louder than words and insisting on a few words does feel like you're after your pound of flesh, tbh.

Your friend behaved appallingly and is completely in the wrong. She has magnanimously invited your family to an event and you are clearly meant to fall at her feet in gratitude for her ‘forgiveness’ of your heinous (not) behaviour. She will obviously not apologise for putting you through the emotional turmoil that her ensuing refusal to communicate caused, so I would avoid any further contact. If you are forced into being at the same event I would be civil but she does not deserve your friendship. People who use silence as a weapon are not nice. It’s devastatingly hurtful, a form of abuse and in your case lasted a year.

But this is her olive branch!

You won't get an apology, I think you have to just accept the friendship is gone now . She sounds like she wants to appear the victim in the situation, crying is just a manipulation tactic

@NurtureGrow I understand. She sounds manipulative - the crying vs blanking is almost hypocritical. None of the options are great - 1) accept it is over; it seems like it is 2) next group event if she does the crying thing you can quietly confront her, saying, How can you say you missed me, you refuse to accept I didn’t say xyz, accused me to others then ignored me and so on or 3) send another letter explaining why the current method doesn’t work for you - and you won’t be coming to group things - but this risks another misunderstanding/her bad mouthing you to the others.

It doesn’t sound like you want to be friends, because how can you trust her? And you don’t think the group stuff works because she is inconsistent - and in any case there shouldn’t have been any issues, but you don’t know whether she will kick off. Especially when she says ‘be cordial’ then does the histrionics.

I think you’ve tried it her way, you’ve tried to clear the air and she won’t apologise anyway so … have to let it go.

I said there is nothing more I can do, I’ve done all I can do.

That's not strictly true.

You could decide the friendship was more important to you than rehashing old events. A forced apology isn't going to change anything.

It is fair to want an apology.

Have you ever written to her exactly what you thought happened and how she got the situation mixerd up? It could help if she could revisit from your point of view.

@user1492757084 I have yes

I have a fairly similar situation with someone I knew most of my life. Misunderstood something I said, I explained self immediately and tried to sort the situation out. She refused and cut me off. Knowing her as I do, I know she will have told anyone/everyone how I have done her wrong.
Several years later she has started messaging my dc instead. Fortunately they are old enough to see it for what it is. If she turned up on my doorstep and apologised for her behaviour, I would thank her and then close the door. The friendship is broken, she has done that. It’s sad and took me a couple of years to realise, but it would never go back to what it was and I don’t really miss all her drama.

Sometimes in life you have to swallow your pride and forgive people. You can’t force someone to make an apology and even if she did now your resentment is clear. I doubt you’ll be able to be close friends again because the trust has gone. I’ve forgiven people even knowing I was right for the sake of harmony. It isn’t all about being right, there is give and take in relationships.

I think there is more to this, I can’t help but think you did say something upsetting but it just wasn’t as bad as she thought you said.

You seem really adamant to apologise yourself, and even apologised straight after the “misunderstanding”

Most people would say straight up that they didn’t say anything wrong, but you seemed to have tripped up a bit and apologised for something you didn’t do?

Sometimes that happens. I've apologised for something I didn't need to apologise for just to smooth things over and move on. Or if the person is pissed or if you are a guest in their house so can't really argue with them. And then regretted it afterwards.

Pissed as in drunk, for the Americans on here.

If you want to continue the friendship then consider getting past the incident, if you don't then don't. The only person who you can control is yourself. I would say that if you wanted to be friends again enough, then you would find yourself over the need for an apology

Well maybe she doesn’t want to apologise because what you said upset and hurt her regardless of your intent

On that basis why should she say sorry? Sorry for what?

She’s not going to apologise so stop dwelling on it. Some people are incapable of admitting they were wrong. I think yabu to still be stewing on it and insisting on an apology all this time later. Accept the friendship is over and that it’s going to be a bit awkward and move on.

Am I that sort of person? Not always and not often but yes I have done it because it gave me the outcome I wanted

given the lack of clarity in your posts, no wonder there was confusion or misunderstanding about what was said or intended,

This is lovely. We decided to fast forward til when we are friends again. ❤️

She’s no longer your friend. Be polite and breezy at events where you are together and move on with people who you get on well with.