Friend won’t apologise

[NurtureGrow]

This has been a while, but would appreciate some input.

I had a situation with a friend a few years ago.
She misunderstood something I said, and got upset. I can say 100% I didn’t say this or have this intention at all. She told others I did and she stopped talking to me. Even though I hadn’t, I immediately apologised for anything I did that led to the confusion, I also did some months later by letter. It was very painful, but during the silence, I eventually tried to accept I wouldn’t hear from her again.

Last year she asked my family to come to an unnecessary group event. It was unexpected and I said unfortunately I didn’t feel comfortable as she has never apologised. I offered to have a call and said I would always be ok with that now or anytime in the future. I want to forgive her and am very forgiving by nature. She said she would not apologise, what happened, happened, and declined the call.

Two weeks ago I had to see her again at a group event we both had to go to. Everything is awkward and strange. For me this was all unnecessary. She has talked before about how sad the ‘loss of the friendship’ is. For me it is depressing as the situation was unnecessary, the silence unnecessary, and the awkwardness unnecessary now.

I simply feel I need an apology. I can’t move past it without. I don’t want to spend time with someone I feel resentful of. It has felt very manipulative to me, that she wanted to see my family even though she won’t apologise. Other friends also wanted us there and tried to push for us to go. At this point, without an apology, I would prefer not to see or hear from her again because it is too painful. I don’t understand why she won’t apologise or even why she wants to see me..

My question is AIBU? What would others do?

You are NOT being unreasonable - a request for an apology is reasonable

You are being unreasonable - you should agree to meet her, try to be friends again and carry on as if nothing happened even though she won’t apologise

Tbh, you are asking if you are BU to need an apology, and without knowing what you were accused of, it’s hard to say.

For example, if she wrongly accused you of making a racist slur, then I would be with you absolutely needing an apology.
If she accused you of being mean about someone’s dress or haircut (and of course, if wasn’t true), I’d be OK with drawing a line under it for the sake of the friendship. I would, however, be alert to any sort of repetition and not tolerate any more nonsense from her.

It is hard to comment on who was right or wrong without specifics but she sounds like a manipulative person. Let her go and focus on your other friendships.

Maybe it’s not manipulative, maybe she genuinely doesn’t think she has anything to apologise for

She thinks she was reasonable to be upset by what you said. Why won’t you tell us what it was?

The friend has admitted that OP didn’t say what she thought she did. So she should apologise for the year long silent treatment and telling everyone a lie.

Posters need to stop hounding OP, she has said she can’t say because it’s outing, that should be respected.

@NurtureGrow there is a choice somewhere in the middle .
If she won’t apologise move on .
Saying that I think you should still attend agents with her there as it’s part of your social circle. .
I wouldn’t just act like she isn’t there . She has made her choice so I really wouldn’t be bothering with her any more or let her have any effect on my life .

We don’t need the details though. According to OP she said something which friend misinterpreted. She then refused to accept OP’s explanation and apology and continued to badmouth her based on her interpretation of what was said.

I don’t think OP apologised for what was said - more for the fact that it could be misinterpreted and was not meant in the way it was taken. I think it’s incredibly manipulative of friend to then contact OP after so long in the guise of holding out an ‘olive branch’ which, if she accepts it, will make OP look like the guilty party who friend has forgiven, when in fact it’s OP who is owed an apology for the appalling way friend has treated her.

The friendship is over and civility is the best outcome here.
Even if she came out with a forced apology (as that is very much what it would be at this stage, even if it was forthcoming), things wouldn’t be the same again.
For the sake of this thread, it would have been better if you explained the gist of what had been said, changing the words and context a bit. So basically give us an equivalent scenario so that we could better understand the depth and seriousness of it.

You say that the awkwardness is unnecessary but at this point you're the one creating it. She reached out to you with an invitation to your family. That was her apologising. You either want to repair the friendship or you don't. If you don't, that's fine. If you do, then you're going to need to climb down off your high horse and go meet her.

OP has said several times that it’s outing. She may know people who are on MN.

This 100%

I don’t think she owes you an apology. I think you probably said something offensive and spent a year convincing yourself she was in the wrong.

Time to move on! She’s reaching out to you, take it or don’t take it.

She isn’t going to apologise
you can’t forgive her
let the friendship go
you can still attend events when she’s there, be polite but don’t overly engage in conversation. If she tries to talk about it just say “ we are at x event this isn’t appropriate “ and walk away.

There are 2 ways you could look at this.
She is either a drama lama and making a mountain out of a molehill especially when she is crying to others saying she misses your friendship

or

You have said something horrible which she (and maybe others) may look upon on a negative light. Without knowing what has been said people on here won’t know.

If you keep going on about an apology, it will come across as a bit desperate and is it really worth it? Would it not be a case of less said soonest mended (or something like that)?

She is hurt by what you said and unless there were others to witness what you said and can back you up, then she is being unreasonable and should 100% apologise. If there weren’t others to witness it, it will be a case of he said she said.

You have done your part in apologising for what she thinks you have said. You never know maybe she has genuinely taken what you said in a negative way and she is really hurt, but without knowing what was said no one here can really say.

She doesn’t want to be your friend anymore, so I wouldn’t waste your energy or time, just walk away.

Agree with this. I don’t think it’s necessary for the OP to say what her friend thought she said, she accused her of saying something she didn’t say and then wouldn’t discuss it, she needs to apologise for the way she’s treated the OP if she wants to be friends.
I wouldn’t give her a second chance though, not after all this time. She’s treated you shoddily and the friendship would never be the same.

Stay away from her Op. Many emotionally manipulative people out there. What she did was so cruel (and sadistic even). I consider it self-protection by staying away forever.

You can be polite but dont let your walls down ever. She's dangerous and given there is no remorse, she would do it again.

How was it the friend apologising ? OP has asked for an apology and been refused. Reaching out was manipulative. If OP accepts it looks like she’s the one in the wrong. If she’s OK with that then fine. Personally l’d see it for what it is. A way of friend smoothing things over without taking any responsibility for what happened or her past behaviour towards OP.

If something was said that the other person was upset by, bad enough that we aren’t allowed to know what it is then I’m on the side of the friend tbh. Stepping away from a friendship where you’ve been really hurt is completely normal, even if the other person apologises for it. If you’re in a big group and it’s awkward you may well offer an olive branch invitation to try to ease the awkwardness or to see if the friendship can be rekindled.

OP, writing letters to further apologise suggests the friend already blocked you / refused to answer phone and you continued to over step the boundaries. Expecting an apology from someone who clearly doesn’t believe they’re wrong is not at all the sign of a forgiving person either. And if you never were in the wrong then even the original “apology” you gave was either completely fake or one of those “I’m sorry you feel that way” non-apologies.

Trying to force someone to give an apology they don’t want or mean is useless and just gesture politics.

you don’t agree. She’s not sorry. You won’t be friends end of. Trying to manipulate situations into forcing an apology out of her doesn’t look good.

why do you even want to be friends with her, she’s not sorry that she misconstrued and told all and sundry something untrue about you.

I had simular i had a hest friend since I.was 15 fast forward 2020/21 he had a baby with girl im he's ex but were best mates when they dd was 8 months old I was completely locked off my kids and everything proper ghosted they rang me out of the blue when there dd was 2 btw this is my x and.hes sister.and mum thr girl.now 3 wanted to talk to my daughter is had to spend 3 yrs of my dd asking when can she see sister baby due to situation no fault of my own what do u say now fast forward 2025 my dd.is 9 there's is 5 thre best friends again we go out family events but it was just hard being ghosted when iv know them since.i.was 15 im 37 now

Your friend sounds very manipulative by involving other people in your dispute so on that basis alone, I would walk away and forget all about her, even if she tried apologising after all this time.

Manipulative types who have to be in the centre of a drama never change.

You’ll always make new friends, it’s not that difficult.

Without telling us what was said it is hard to understand. Even without you telling us details I still am unclear on whether her telling others consisted of

1. going on social media and saying ‘nurture is a bitch, she called me ‘whatever’
2. speaking to those in your friendship group and saying you had really hurt her, you were evil and trying to isolate you.
3. talking to those within the friendship group to look for comfort because she was hurt and upset by her interpretation of your words.

If 1. or 2. then I would think YANBU to want an apology. If 3. then YABU as she acted out of hurt not malice. Am unclear if what you want is an apology to make you even or an acknowledgment that you did not intend to hurt her. Very different underlying aims and wishes. Only you know which it is. Even if you decide to move on by regarding the friendship as dead because she won’t apologise then you will still not be moving on until you can let go of the resentment you feel.

I think this post is true.

OP even if you did get that apology and be civil and all rainbows and unicorns on the surface, what’s happened has happened and I think the trust has been broken for both of you.

I understand you are hurt. I am such a peaceful person and hate conflict too. I’ve been caught up in toxic friendships in the past and for my own sanity walked away. I would just distance myself from her and get on with my life.

From your perspective, she was in the wrong to have cut you off and slandered you for a comment she seems to have misunderstood, especially as you have explained the context. But it's pointless for her to apologise if she's not sorry and doesn't accept blame. At this point, I'd probably assume that she doesn't believe you and thinks that you did intentionally say something hurtful and lied about it. In your place OR hers, I'd be worried about whether trust could be reestablished at all, and without it I don't see much point in a friendship.

When you asked to have a call with her, did you say the purpose of the call was for her to apologise, or did you just propose discussing the matter and clearing the air? If she declined to apologise I can understand that, but if she refused to discuss it then I think your qualms are reasonable because who's to say that if you resume the friendship the same of issues won't recur? If you feel the friendship's over, don't resume it, but if you have many mutual friends you are probably going to need to be clear with them if you're actively avoiding this person.