Friend won’t apologise

[NurtureGrow]

This has been a while, but would appreciate some input.

I had a situation with a friend a few years ago.
She misunderstood something I said, and got upset. I can say 100% I didn’t say this or have this intention at all. She told others I did and she stopped talking to me. Even though I hadn’t, I immediately apologised for anything I did that led to the confusion, I also did some months later by letter. It was very painful, but during the silence, I eventually tried to accept I wouldn’t hear from her again.

Last year she asked my family to come to an unnecessary group event. It was unexpected and I said unfortunately I didn’t feel comfortable as she has never apologised. I offered to have a call and said I would always be ok with that now or anytime in the future. I want to forgive her and am very forgiving by nature. She said she would not apologise, what happened, happened, and declined the call.

Two weeks ago I had to see her again at a group event we both had to go to. Everything is awkward and strange. For me this was all unnecessary. She has talked before about how sad the ‘loss of the friendship’ is. For me it is depressing as the situation was unnecessary, the silence unnecessary, and the awkwardness unnecessary now.

I simply feel I need an apology. I can’t move past it without. I don’t want to spend time with someone I feel resentful of. It has felt very manipulative to me, that she wanted to see my family even though she won’t apologise. Other friends also wanted us there and tried to push for us to go. At this point, without an apology, I would prefer not to see or hear from her again because it is too painful. I don’t understand why she won’t apologise or even why she wants to see me..

My question is AIBU? What would others do?

You are NOT being unreasonable - a request for an apology is reasonable

You are being unreasonable - you should agree to meet her, try to be friends again and carry on as if nothing happened even though she won’t apologise

Yes I agree, crying in front of a group of people with you there and saying she missed you is manipulative behaviour.

Best to just accept that the friendship is over and move on. Rightly or wrongly, she is never going to apologise. As someone said up thread, you need to drop the rope.

Whilst we don't need to know the details of the misunderstanding, it would be good to understand the severity of it e.g

I don't think it matters
The ex friend could have spoken to Op to clarify the situation like an adult
She didn't
She accused Op, spread the gossip to an entire friendship group and ostracised the Op
She's toxic

Let it go!
She's not a friend

Edit missed the crying bit

Run away fast !

You claim that you forgive easily. Your words and behaviour suggest otherwise

You're absolutely determined your friend must apologise before you will deign to forgive her

Surely true forgiveness would be to accept it was a difficult situation for all involved, whatever the rights and wrongs of it, and move on, whether or not the friendship resumes (hint, it won't. Too much water under the bridge)

Is the term "I was accused" hyperbole or is how she interpreted your words/phraseolgy that severe it was an accusation?

"Oh Tallulah-belle really had a great time at uni... very popular with the blokes, nudge nudge wink wink".....

These were different times

Im not sure that she owes you an apology @NurtureGrow . I think she may feel that she has been magnanimous enough to accept your explanation.

I think if you want to continue the friendship, you may need to accept that you were careless with how you expressed and as a result upset and offended your friend. It sounds like she is prepared to move past it, but you are not.

I had a very similar situation, the friendship, a very good (so I thought) ended. Problem is that the passage of time doesn't help in these situations. My ex-friend should have apologised to me, but did not.

Unfortunately the friendship was never as strong as I thought it was - time has gone on, a year, I have long since accepted I won't see her again, and life has to move on.

Let it go and move on OP, she's not your friend, seek out new people in life and let this dead duck sink!

I had a similar ish situation with a friend and I decided I didn’t want to be friends with her and my life has been a lot easier without someone else’s drama in my life. I no longer have someone in my life I have to walk of eggshells on and constantly live in fear of offending.

we were part of a group of school friends and I was probably fiend number 3 who broke contact and the list continues to grow as we all get older and realise we don’t need that I our lives

So if I have this right you were friends, something you said was taken the wrong way, you apologised and explained because it just is something you never would have said or meant and she turned it into a giant song and dance.

You are now doing the same as what you want is for her to recognise that you never meant it, that a friend shouldn’t treat another friend like that. Actually you don’t need an apology as you don’t want this drama queen in your friend group. Let the group carry on and just be superficially polite to her.

Be honest if she cries etc - I was really upset too when you ignored me for all that time for something I never meant but still apologised for. You had no trust in me as a friend and i really missed you but now I can’t go back to how things were because I am not close friends with people who treat me like that.

The reason it’s painful to you is because it feels like unfinished business. However to her it’s done with. Realistically she can’t undo talking about you to other people, so unless the apology is very public, it’s meaningless. The issue is that you can’t let it go, and she has.

If the friendship is very important to you it might be worth trying to have an honest conversation with her to clear the air. The best you will get from her is an acceptance that you were hurt and why. You won’t get an apology because she also felt hurt. You think she misinterpreted what you said, but maybe there was ambiguity in the way you said it that meant her confusion wasn’t unreasonable. You need to hear this if that’s the case.

I don’t blame you for being unforgiving, I am the same, but you then have to live with the consequences.

I don’t understand why you want an apology from her and to move forward but say she is manipulative and isolating you.

I personally think this is a you issue, you hate the fact she thinks you said something you didn’t and makes you feel a liar, you hate that she hasn’t apologised and feel you need her reassurance.

I know it sucks, but this won’t get resolved. It’s been 3 years.

She is adamant you said something you didn’t, you are adamant you didn’t. Although you may be right, she feels like she’s heard what she’s heard. This issue won’t resolve.

It is really sad for you as you know the truth and it is hard losing friends but I feel like you want the apology for closure and you’re just not going to get it.

I think you are saying one thing and doing the other. You claim you forgive easily, but at the same time, you are holding a grudge against someone for years. She is extending you a hand and you are refusing it because you need her to say some words first. If you are so forgiving as you claim, just forgive her. You can forgive people without them saying or doing exactly what you want them to do. Just let it go and forgive her. Or accept that you aren't this easy-going, forgiving person you would like to think you are.

l doubt l could resurrect a friendship with someone who refused to accept that they had misunderstood my meaning and who, despite my explanation and apology for the mix up, still chose to think badly enough of me to cut me off for a year and continue to repeat my words to others in the context she chose to apply. Then years later she magnanimously holds out what I’m meant to treat as an olive branch - the acceptance of which is tantamount to admitting l was wrong, thereby exonerating her. Not. A. Chance.

OP this woman is not your friend. She’s manipulating you into accepting that you were wrong. That’s why she won’t apologise. I wouldn’t accept the invitation and for reasons stated above, my advice is drop the rope and put the whole thing behind you. It doesn’t matter what she thinks or what she tells others, you know the truth and that’s all that matters.

Adding to my comment it is really hard when you don’t get an apology that you need from people, but you need to muster the strength to move forward without the apology you need.

Some people do go through life , cutting people off at the slightest thing
Others go through life , trying not to cause offence and apologising for things they didn't do .
I grew with parents like the first type ,I became the second type.
I ended up in a similar situation with a friend,where I took flowers round and apologised for something I didn't do ,,just to keep the friendship.
Then she did the same thing again a couple of months later .
From there I blocked her on everything,so she had no way of contacting me ,I left what's app groups she was in
My life is so much better without her in it
She's still causing upset to others ,I often hear on the grapevine
.

Only according the OP, she did say it. The friend ‘took it the wrong way’, but the OP doesn’t deny saying whatever it was that led to the fallout.

You obviously said something that really upset your friend and it must have been pretty bad because you won't tell us what you said or even give us an indication of what you said to her.
Her reaction to your behaviour has annoyed you and you feel like you are now the victim. When she gave you an olive branch, you made your acceptance conditional upon an apology from her which I think is childish and entitled.
You should have just accepted her invitation.
You seem like hard work to me.
It looks like the friendship is over. Just accept it and move on.

She won't apologise
Move on, she is no longer your friend

I feel your pain. I have been in a similar situation with my sister. I even reached out on MN and regretted it. People who don’t know you and the situation can only really go by their own personal experiences. Don’t let anyone judge you harshly. Things are complicated. I’m sure I’m over-identifying with you right now!

What I’m hearing from you is less a demand for an apology (which isn’t going to come and would be insincere anyway) than an acknowledgment that you were hurt and that that matters to her. Certainly that’s how I have felt in my own case.

I have no way of knowing how your friend will react but if my situation involved a friend I’d walk away. As it’s my sister, I can only accept that she seems to be casting me as the villain. There are family history reasons for that and your friend may well have her own vulnerabilities that make her behave unreasonably. You can only control your own behaviour and you are free to choose. Don’t let this define you or prey on your mind. And be wary of opening up on MN!

you hate the fact she thinks you said something you didn’t and makes you feel a liar

Well that's the thing isn't it?

Once my friends clarified I'd be thinking that well of course, they wouldn't have said/meant that because they are my friend.

If I doubted well then they are hardly a friend!

YABU to get so hung up on the apology but YANBU to cut off the friendship if you don't want to be friends with her.

How on earth can you say this? It's really not clear who's in the wrong and if OP won't actually say what happened then it's impossible to tell!

She sounds like too much work and am emotional loose cannon. Regardless of what was said or what she thought you said, you have clarified both verbally and by letter. She has chosen to believe your intentions weren't good and gone around stoking the drama by telling other people and refusing to speak to you.

Of she wants to extend an olive branch, thst should include an apoligiy for her behavior.

She sounds like a nightmare. No-one needs a friend like that.

That doesn’t alter the fact that the friend refused to accept OP’s apology or explanation and continued to bad mouth her to others. That’s entirely her friend’s decision, but if any friend of mine chose to think badly enough of me to behave like this based on a misunderstanding l’d have dropped the rope long ago.

What would be the point in a clearly forced apology?