Friend won’t apologise

[NurtureGrow]

This has been a while, but would appreciate some input.

I had a situation with a friend a few years ago.
She misunderstood something I said, and got upset. I can say 100% I didn’t say this or have this intention at all. She told others I did and she stopped talking to me. Even though I hadn’t, I immediately apologised for anything I did that led to the confusion, I also did some months later by letter. It was very painful, but during the silence, I eventually tried to accept I wouldn’t hear from her again.

Last year she asked my family to come to an unnecessary group event. It was unexpected and I said unfortunately I didn’t feel comfortable as she has never apologised. I offered to have a call and said I would always be ok with that now or anytime in the future. I want to forgive her and am very forgiving by nature. She said she would not apologise, what happened, happened, and declined the call.

Two weeks ago I had to see her again at a group event we both had to go to. Everything is awkward and strange. For me this was all unnecessary. She has talked before about how sad the ‘loss of the friendship’ is. For me it is depressing as the situation was unnecessary, the silence unnecessary, and the awkwardness unnecessary now.

I simply feel I need an apology. I can’t move past it without. I don’t want to spend time with someone I feel resentful of. It has felt very manipulative to me, that she wanted to see my family even though she won’t apologise. Other friends also wanted us there and tried to push for us to go. At this point, without an apology, I would prefer not to see or hear from her again because it is too painful. I don’t understand why she won’t apologise or even why she wants to see me..

My question is AIBU? What would others do?

You are NOT being unreasonable - a request for an apology is reasonable

You are being unreasonable - you should agree to meet her, try to be friends again and carry on as if nothing happened even though she won’t apologise

You have reached an impasse. You can’t move on without an apology; she doesn’t feel she owes you one. As you can’t control whether she gives you an apology or not, you need to accept it’s not coming and make your decision on that basis. My feeling is that your friendship will never be the same again, so I would consider stepping back, not initiating further contact and being purely civil if you have to see her with mutual friends.

You're dramatising the whole thing. Being dogmatic re the apology. She's no better making up her story.

The friendship is over. Move on.

To be honest-you do sound quite what my grandmother would call “pleased with yourself.” You seem to be saying that you can do no wrong , but if what you said was so huge that you think giving details might out you then maybe it’s not reasonable to expect your friend to apologise, and you should accept her offers to move on. Particularly if your apology was a “I’m sorry if you thought I said…..”

How has it turned into such a mess?

Does she not believe that she misunderstood?

How did clarifying what you did mean not put an end to it?

It was unexpected and I said unfortunately I didn’t feel comfortable as she has never apologised.

Tbh that sounds ridiculous to me on your part.

She seems to have put it in the past but you are placing conditions on seeing her again.

I'm not surprised she cba.

I can't believe all the drama.

Most friends would sort this out in 5 mins!

Yes I am if someone apologises.

When I met her alone she was completely superficial.. and I thought there was no hope.

When I met her in a group she started crying in front of everyone saying she missed me. This seems absurd and manipulative to me. Does it to others, or is this normal? Another genuine question.

You have apologised and wrote her a letter. She had not accepted it. Why should you know, accept her olive branch without an apology?
I would just leave it and accept the friendship is over.
Focus on your current friendships, she may regret her decision but it was her own making. I much prefer discussing these things instead of cutting people off.

You say you forgive instantly but that's clearly not true. You've dug your heels in, telling yourself you 'need' an apology. You've created this stumbling block. If you truly could forgive you wouldn't be insisting on an apology that wouldn't be genuine even if you persuaded her to say it.

She's extended an olive branch. Accept it or don't, whichever feels best to you.

When my son was 9 he had a bad falling out with his best friend. They were both very upset. One day they were chatty away together and I asked what happened.
"We decided to fast forward to when we are friends again."

You can fast forward. Or you can stay on Pause.

I would sort it ok in 5 minutes! I tried! But she stopped talking to me for a year.. what could I do here? Honestly it’s been awful. I can’t accept being treated like that without an apology. This is the difficultly

Wait a minute… you said the group setting was awkward and unnecessarily silent… but now she apparently broke down to you crying saying she missed you??

So are you saying you did say what she thinks you said? But that attributed a different meaning to it?

Or that she lied and you didn’t say or do what she says you did?

If it’s the first one we can’t control how our words impact others and she sounds as though she was genuinely hurt by what you said. Hence why you apologised so much at the start.

If you wanted her to apologise to you, then why on earth were you doing so much apologising in the first place?

If she lied and is wrong about what you said then why on earth did you apologise? You’ve effectively admitted it was you in the wrong.

It’s all extremely vague so only you know what is best for you.
FWIW I think apologies are often meaningless.
My ex fil demanded I apologise for something once, it was relayed to my ex dh via mil 😏. I didn’t apologise as I wasn’t in the wrong and quite frankly, I would have preferred to never set eyes on him again.
Coincidently, the ex fil doesn't speak to his son or his new dil, due to her not apologising for some slight he perceives she has committed.
If I were you op, I’d just call it a day on the friendship and decline all invites which involve being in her presence, unless they are absolutely unavoidable.

You still haven’t described what you said and what she thought you’d said. Or even what the general topic / point was. Making it hard to tell which one of you seems more in the wrong.

You still want an apology, after many years, she clearly doesn’t want to apologise. You say you only want to resume the friendship if she apologises, so that seems you’ve taken your decision not to resume it.

No need for drip feeding about her crying at the group meet up.

I had no idea how to vote. I feel that yanbu to want nothing to do with her, but I feel that yabu to still be holding out for an apology. You're never going to get one so just let it go and give her polite hellos and goodbyes and that's it.

I’m not clear on why you think you’re owed an apology. I understand she felt she was owed one due to something you may or may not have said and you didn’t hear from her for a while but it sounds to me as if you needed a call to “clear the air”. If I’d wanted to preserve the friendship thats the way I would have framed it, otherwise how do you get out of the cycle of constantly feeling wronged? I think the problem with the awkwardness is you’ve not made an opportunity to have a chat together.

When I write or say something that isn’t interpreted in the way I meant I feel annoyed and then I think, well, I obviously should have expressed that differently.

No one likes being wrong - but some people will twist themselves into absolute knots and really spite themselves to avoid admitting that they could have done something differently. Liberate yourself from this tyranny - you’ll feel much better than if you finally wear this poor woman down so much that she gives you a meaningless sorry.

If I didn’t feel I’d done something wrong then I wouldn’t be apologising in the first place. By doing this you accepted that you were, in some part, in the wrong. She was not able to accept your apology but now appears to want to move on from it. She is not apologising to you because she doesn’t think she did anything wrong, she doesn’t owe you an apology.

As I said, the ball is in your court on how you want to proceed with her, just make a decision.

I agree with this plus she also tried to destroy Ops other friendships

She got what she wanted so she won't be apologising and let's face it, Op knows it won't be genuine .

Anyone who has a falling out then spreads nasty gossip is toxic Op, steer well clear.
The trying to get back in with you is her way of absolving her guilt
The friendship is over, maintain firm boundaries, she's just looking to kick you down again

Lots of points in your post about how considerate, thoughtful you try to be. It’s like this incident has challenged your idea of yourself and you don’t like it

I would sort it ok in 5 minutes! I tried! But she stopped talking to me for a year..

Sorry I missed that she stopped talking to you.

Then I guess she doesn't believe that she misunderstood & obviously feels that apologising isn't necessary?

Surely an apology from her wouldn't now save the friendship anyway?

A friend who purposefully lying about you saying something and setting you up for isolation is no friend.

I would stay clear of such an individual.

Whilst we don't need to know the details of the misunderstanding, it would be good to understand the severity of it e.g.

1. Low severity

Nurture - to another friend: "You are really generous with you portions when you host dinner parties!"
Friend: "Are you saying my dinner party last month was inadequate??"

2. Medium Severity (heightened emotions situation)

Nurture: "Aww you look just like X in your wedding dress" [Well meant compliment]
Friend: "OMG X looked awful in her wedding dress I can't believe you've said that!"

3. High Severity due to high emotion

Nurture: "Come on let's go for a walk, it'll help distract you from [terrible event]"
Friend: "Don't tell me how to grieve!"

Because honestly if it's 1 she may be being unreasonable (especially if she didn't speak to you for a year!) but at the same time it's pretty trivial and the event invitation was an olive branch and a way of saying sorry.

If it's 3 then perhaps sucking up the situation is advisable since she may have been going through a very tough time and you bore the brunt of her grief. Then asking for apologies after what she went through feels a bit petty.

2 I guess my specific example is crap but the heightened emotions of a situation can make people act out so could be a bit more forgivable.

I would just be a grown up and move on, you seem obsessed if she doesn't want to be friends just get on with your own life it is not a soap

Are you on the wrong thread ? That isn’t what happened at all. OP says the friend knew she had misinterpreted and OP apologised for the misunderstanding at the time. Friend chose to ignore it and told others OP had said something she hadn’t, and effectively put an end to the friendship.

You’re being absolutely absurd. It sounds like you’re trying to humble her in some way and would rather sit on your high horse than actually enjoy the friendship available to you. She clearly doesn’t think she owes you an apology since you acknowledged wrongdoing by apologising to her in the first place. So you have two choices:

1. Continue feeling wounded but knowing that’s not going to resolve anything and continue as you are.
2. Meet her, have a chat, and agree to disagree. Acknowledge that you have different understandings of what occurred but that the friendship is more important than ‘she said…she said’ tattle that is bringing neither of you any joy.

Thank you, I do much prefer discussing and resolving too