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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Young teen refusing to holiday abroad. Any suggested solutions?

188 replies

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:27

Not me but a good friend's nephew is camping out at her house to avoid the situation at his home.

His mother and her boyfriend - who doesn't live with them - have paid for a two week holiday in Southern Europe. Nephew wasn't consulted and hated the last holiday to a nearby holiday destination when he was ten. His younger sister and his half sister - his mum's & boyfriend's child - are happy to go.
He is adamant he's not, has taken his passport and hidden it outside their home. No threats or bribes were working on him. He left his family home on Thursday with a bag and turned up on my friend's doorstep unannounced. He's spoken to his mother once to confirm he's okay then blocked her, removed the battery from his phone so he can't tracked and spent the night on the sofa.
He's apparently run away before a couple of years back and was returned by a family friend two days later, so this behaviour isn't a one off.

My friend, her husband - who he gets on with - myself and a couple of others have talked to him. He won't return home unless he's told he's not going and his ticket is cancelled. He's also threatening to burn his passport or if they did manage to drag him to the airport, would make a scene & claim mum's boyfriend was smuggling stuff so none of them would get on the plane.
My friend is badly dyslexic and dreads writing and typing, so posting this to help her out.
The lad is nice and normally friendly - met him at barbecues and parties before - but says he's not being stuck in same apartment with his Mum's BF those thirteen days. His father died a few years back so staying with him isn't an option. My friend would put him up as it's school holidays and she works at a school office but expects major backlash from her sister if she did.
So we're stump as they are meant to be flying out in less than three weeks.

Any possible solutions Mumsnetters?

OP posts:
JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 27/07/2025 06:31

I would be asking more questions about the boyfriend. Why does this child have just a strong reaction to spending a week with him?

You can’t force someone to do something they really don’t want to do. I think him staying with his aunt would be the better option.

BabyCatFace · 27/07/2025 06:33

If his aunt wants to have him for those 2 weeks then they should all let him stay. There is a lot more going on than a holiday but now is not the time to draw battle lines. Let the child stay home and work out what's going on after the holiday.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 27/07/2025 06:34

How long has mum been with the boyfriend and why is this lad showing such a strong reaction to spending time with him?

If his aunt is happy to have him then he should stay with her.

Thunderpants88 · 27/07/2025 06:38

Has he been abused by the Bf?

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:40

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 27/07/2025 06:31

I would be asking more questions about the boyfriend. Why does this child have just a strong reaction to spending a week with him?

You can’t force someone to do something they really don’t want to do. I think him staying with his aunt would be the better option.

Mum's BF is very opinionated and taken the mickey of the nephew's art projects and hobbies, and nephew want to pursue a future career in a specific field (think working with animals but I don't won't to say the exact job it would be). Been tensions between the two of the since the first year of his Mum dating the BF. They were apparently fine at first. Not met the BF but he sounds like he rubs many people up the wrong way. My friend's husband doesn't particularly like him either. Friend is neutral on him.

OP posts:
LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:47

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 27/07/2025 06:34

How long has mum been with the boyfriend and why is this lad showing such a strong reaction to spending time with him?

If his aunt is happy to have him then he should stay with her.

Edited

From what I gather the Mum and the father split about nine years ago with Nephews sister was 18 months. Mum focused completely on the kids and froze him out. It was fairly amicable. The half sister is six so Mum & BF have been together about seven years? My friend can't recall all the details. Nephews father died of progressive heart issues in 2022. He was in his 40s but with his health conditions it wasn't apparently unexpected.

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 27/07/2025 06:51

So they live together but he won't holiday with him? Too late for PGL camp?

Jumpthewaves · 27/07/2025 06:52

I'd want to understand the full reason a little more, whether the bf is being abusive or bullying him etc. If not, it could just be that he is being a selfish and dramatic teen. It's really difficult to know what's going on here, but I think it needs to be talked about more. A teen shouldn't be controlling the situation unless something very serious is going on.

aCatCalledFawkes · 27/07/2025 06:52

What kind of holiday is it and what is he objecting to? He must of said why he doesn't want to go?

Withdjsns · 27/07/2025 06:54

She needs to talk to her sister, let her know that the child is safe and can stay with her while they go away. His mum can’t force him to go and tbh his behaviour is pretty extreme so his mum needs to listen to him and his aunt needs to stand up for him. It sounds like there’s far more to it than him not liking the boyfriend or holiday - we have a teen who doesn’t like some of our holidays and they sulk and moan but if they did this I’d be thinking there’s much more to it

Iwiicit · 27/07/2025 06:55

How old is the nephew?

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:55

Thunderpants88 · 27/07/2025 06:38

Has he been abused by the Bf?

Highly unlikely. BF didn't go on the last Mediterranean holiday. The Nephew still hates it as he was bored the whole time and he dislikes hot weather etc. I don't know if it's a sensory issue or it just irritates him. I'll check in later, as me & my friend are in the middle of a journey.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 27/07/2025 06:57

Withdjsns · 27/07/2025 06:54

She needs to talk to her sister, let her know that the child is safe and can stay with her while they go away. His mum can’t force him to go and tbh his behaviour is pretty extreme so his mum needs to listen to him and his aunt needs to stand up for him. It sounds like there’s far more to it than him not liking the boyfriend or holiday - we have a teen who doesn’t like some of our holidays and they sulk and moan but if they did this I’d be thinking there’s much more to it

Pretty much this

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:57

Iwiicit · 27/07/2025 06:55

How old is the nephew?

13 going on 14 I think. He's an independent type.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 27/07/2025 06:58

He shouldn’t be forced to go. Aunt is kind to have him.
Mum needs to think about why she’s choosing to be in a relationship with a man who her son doesn’t like and treats her son poorly.

Jumpthewaves · 27/07/2025 07:00

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:55

Highly unlikely. BF didn't go on the last Mediterranean holiday. The Nephew still hates it as he was bored the whole time and he dislikes hot weather etc. I don't know if it's a sensory issue or it just irritates him. I'll check in later, as me & my friend are in the middle of a journey.

If it really is just that he doesn't want to go because he'll be bored and hot then tough luck, he should be going. It's if there's something more that really needs checking.

Blarn · 27/07/2025 07:00

If it is a combination of not enjoying hot weather holidays and staying on one with a man who takes the piss out of a teens hobbies I can see why he doesn't want to go. I agree with PPs, if you friend and her family are happy to have him then she needs to talk to her sister. Perhaps emphasise more that he is getting older and it's normal to not enjoy family holidays, rather than he doesn't want to go on holiday with the bf.

Scarydinosaurs · 27/07/2025 07:03

It’s such an extreme reaction. Is he often attention seeking in other areas too? What is behind the hatred of hot weather? You said sensory - has he burnt before?

The threats of making a fuss at the airport could land HIM in prison for wasting police time. But why would he want to upset his family so much?

There is a lot going on here - and it’s more than just the holiday.

Iwiicit · 27/07/2025 07:04

I think his mum should let him stay with his aunt. He's being fairly controlling in his behaviour for sure but obviously he's been through an awful lot. He's lost his Dad and being forced to live with a man he clearly, for whatever reason, doesn't like. I would hate a boiling hot beach holiday too. If he stays with the aunt, it's a win win situation surely? The family can have a relaxing break and so can he. He might even be able to open up to his aunt and uncle about what is distressing him so much.

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 07:04

CaptainFuture · 27/07/2025 06:51

So they live together but he won't holiday with him? Too late for PGL camp?

No boyfriend has his own place. A flat he inherited from a family member. They've never lived together as it'd be too crowded and no space for his tools & equipment. BF is self employed metalworker and other stuff.

OP posts:
StMarie4me · 27/07/2025 07:04

He should stay with the aunt. He’s fine. He does not have to go on holiday with his Mum’s abusive twat of a bf.
If she wants to preserve any kind of future relationship with him, she needs to respect his wishes on this one.

CaptainFuture · 27/07/2025 07:08

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 07:04

No boyfriend has his own place. A flat he inherited from a family member. They've never lived together as it'd be too crowded and no space for his tools & equipment. BF is self employed metalworker and other stuff.

Edited

So the BF happy not to live with his child? Does he contribute to her mother, look after his daughter?

Hotandbotheredflower · 27/07/2025 07:11

My sister did this so they arranged for her to stay with family while the rest of us went. She was a very sad teenager who wanted her mother to love her but the relationship was awful.

BusMumsHoliday · 27/07/2025 07:11

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 07:04

No boyfriend has his own place. A flat he inherited from a family member. They've never lived together as it'd be too crowded and no space for his tools & equipment. BF is self employed metalworker and other stuff.

Edited

I think this is important - it's a huge jump from "my mums bf who comes round a lot but I can escape to my room or out the house/with mates" to "two weeks in the same small apartment with him and no escape."

I agree the response is extreme but it sounds like he really doesn't want to go. Staying with the aunt seems a good solution. I'd suggest that the aunt put to his mum that her nephew can have a nice break with her while they have a nice holiday, or everyone can have a terrible holiday - which would she prefer?

AuntyDepressant · 27/07/2025 07:12

Ok so considering he has run away before (presumably because he didn't want to do something) my concern would be that in running away again and hiding his passport for no other reason than he just doesn't like the resort, he is showing a degree of manipulation/control which could escalate if he is allowed to think he can do this and prevent the entire family going on holiday. The friend could also find herself being dragged into it every time he has to do something he doesn't want to do. What happens next time he doesn't want to do something?

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