Young teen refusing to holiday abroad. Any suggested solutions?

[LoopyLoo1991]

Not me but a good friend's nephew is camping out at her house to avoid the situation at his home.

His mother and her boyfriend - who doesn't live with them - have paid for a two week holiday in Southern Europe. Nephew wasn't consulted and hated the last holiday to a nearby holiday destination when he was ten. His younger sister and his half sister - his mum's & boyfriend's child - are happy to go.
He is adamant he's not, has taken his passport and hidden it outside their home. No threats or bribes were working on him. He left his family home on Thursday with a bag and turned up on my friend's doorstep unannounced. He's spoken to his mother once to confirm he's okay then blocked her, removed the battery from his phone so he can't tracked and spent the night on the sofa.
He's apparently run away before a couple of years back and was returned by a family friend two days later, so this behaviour isn't a one off.

My friend, her husband - who he gets on with - myself and a couple of others have talked to him. He won't return home unless he's told he's not going and his ticket is cancelled. He's also threatening to burn his passport or if they did manage to drag him to the airport, would make a scene & claim mum's boyfriend was smuggling stuff so none of them would get on the plane.
My friend is badly dyslexic and dreads writing and typing, so posting this to help her out.
The lad is nice and normally friendly - met him at barbecues and parties before - but says he's not being stuck in same apartment with his Mum's BF those thirteen days. His father died a few years back so staying with him isn't an option. My friend would put him up as it's school holidays and she works at a school office but expects major backlash from her sister if she did.
So we're stump as they are meant to be flying out in less than three weeks.

Any possible solutions Mumsnetters?

Have had a teen refuse to come on holidays or come on holidays and refuse to leave their room/ been an absolute nightmare.

He sounds determined and nobody wins in a battle of wills.

It sounds like he and aunt would enjoy a holiday together, mum and bf can have theirs.

Longer term, Mum needs to consider why she is with a man who bullies her son to the point he doesn’t want to spend time with the family.

Booking holidays with older kids you need to take into consideration their needs and interests. Aside from the bf, if he doesn’t like hot holidays look at somewhere cooler to go. if it’s about boredom consider inviting a friend. If it’s about independence look at a place where they can walk to a few things by themselves. If you pick something / somewhere they want to go they’re more likely to come and enjoy it.

(All good with me and teen now btw)

As others have said, if the aunt is happy for him to stay then that’s the obvious solution.
I’m a bit miffed that his mum is trying to force him to go when he very clearly wouldn’t enjoy it and is seemingly putting the boyfriend - that doesn’t even live with them - above the wellbeing of her child who has fairly recently lost his father, especially as he mocks and teases the boy. Why would anyone tolerate that?!
I think the boy’s mum needs to take a good long hard look at what her son is experiencing here.

1. Let the boy stay for 2 weeks, using the time to gently probe for reasons why he feels so strongly. Get on to SS if required.
2. Sell it to the Mum that they get a holiday in peace without a sulking teenager
3. Get your friend another job - if she dreads writing and typing, a school office is no place for her to work. Every day must be a nightmare for her.

Two weeks with a bullying twat who takes the piss out of the things I enjoy, in a strange place with nothing to do and weather that makes me miserable? Yeah, hard pass. I don't blame the kid. Even worse that that the bully is in a position of authority over the one being bullied, and more important to the mother who really ought to be be putting her foot down with the boyfriend. Hiding the passport and running away is an act of desperation and his mother needs to pay attention to what this is telling her.

Given the nephew's age, likely all that K can do is talk with her sister and be very clear that she's genuinely happy and able to host the nephew for a bit if the sister agrees. Make sure the sister knows that it's not a burden, and perhaps present it as a way to take a bit of the stress off of the row over the holiday and a bit of a win-win situation. Sister goes on the planned holiday with her partner and two girls, nephew stays with K (as he's too young to stay home alone); everyone happy. I'd perhaps stress that this is a one-time solution to the current situation and once the holiday is over the sister and nephew are going to have to work through their issues and come to a compromise.

This is just a personal opinion but I think the children should have some say in choosing the family holiday destination; I wouldn't choose a place for a family holiday knowing that someone in the family actively disliked that place. Also the partner is an adult and can and should refrain from being unpleasant for a couple of weeks while everyone's living in close quarters. The nephew's behaviour also isn't great; he has worried his mother and probably his sisters and the part about burning his passport is idiotic, but that's not K's problem to handle.

If the sister insists that her son returns home, though, I think he has to go. If he does disclose that there is abuse going on, that might be a different matter. If that did turn out to be the case, would K be able to take him longer-term, or is there another relative that might?

I think that it's OP's friend that hasn't visited the flat, not her nephew's mum.

It's the mum's problem, not the aunt's. In the short term the mum should be grateful that the aunt is willing to have him so the rest of the family don't miss their holiday.

In the long term, the mum needs to think carefully about why her son is having such strong reaction to this holiday. It's quite normal for teenagers not to want to go on long family holidays - but he is still quite young and the strong reaction to the boyfriend concerns me somewhat.

Has she spoken to her sister and said he can stay with her? I think his mum would be relieved he isn’t going if he is going to behave like that

He should stay with your friend seeing as she is happy with this, he is old enough to decide he wants to do this.

It sounds like the BF is a bully, I wouldn't want to be trapped in a hot apartment with one either.

Why the major backlash from her sister? Is she general oppressive/my way or the high way to her children? She should allow her children some choices, at his age not consulting him at all is quite weird.

My last holiday with my parents was when I was 14 - I hated it.

Boyfriend is a pathetic twat, taking the piss out of a child.

I’m with all responders who’re concerned about the BF and the lack of taking every1’s diff needs/desires into account. This all leads me to wonder if the poor lad hasn’t been helped to properly come past the death of his DF?

So, your friend needs to contact her sister today. The boy has already been away for 3 nights so mum must be worried sick. If your friend takes too long to make contact then it could sour the relationship.
Your friend shouldn't tell her sister what to do, but simply state that she understands that nephew doesn't want to go, and she would be happy to host him if that would help.

Essentially you have a teen, who dislikes his Mum's boyfriend. A man who visits the family home but has him own flat that he lives in, the majority of the time. At home the young lad can escape this man, and probably keeps out of his way as much as possible. Being in an apartment or hotel room with a man, he doesn't like, for him is intolerable. The being bored on the last holiday and disliking the heat may be a small factor, but the real reason is that he dislikes this man. He doesn't want to tell his Mum the real reason because he knows it will upset her and blow their lives apart. To be perfectly honest your friend should have realised a very long time ago, that her son didn't like her boyfriend. I'll bet my bottom dollar, that there's been signs, that she either hasn't seen or doesn't want to see. She needs to recognise that her boyfriend is mean to her son, and is bullying him because he can, and being a child he's an easy target. She needs to stand up for her son, which is doubtful she's been doing. It's not rocket science, the lad is deeply unhappy, he's run off before - happy children don't run away from home. Children don't behave like this for no reason, behaviour is a communication. Yes, the lad should stay with his Aunt, if she's happy to have him. However, your friend needs a long chat with her sister, because this situation isn't going to improve.

Your friend needs to position herself outside of this. Not taken sides, let the mum do the parenting as PP have said. She should not keep secrets from the mum or promise to do so. We can't make these promises when safeguarding children. And she should take care to stay neutral in her conversations with DS. Tell the mum nephew is welcome with her (if indeed he is) but leave the decision making all with the mum.

Amazing aunty-ing to be prepared to take him for 2 weeks at the drop of a hat. But hopefully the mum will find a different solution. At the very least she could shorten her holiday.

Your friend needs to call her sister and tell her where the child is. I imagine she's going out of her mind with worry. If I was your friend I'd suggest that her nephew stays with her for the duration of the holiday. I'd he goes he's going to ruin it for everyone anyway. Although, it's entirely up to his mum. I's hard because I wouldn't want to reward such shit behaviour.

Poor boy. Still grieving his dad and now being forced to play happy families with his mums new bf. I would let him stay with me. In a different scenario would be different.

I think when a normally nice lad has such a strong reaction to a situation, he has to be listened to and respected!
Your friend needs to talk to him about his strong feelings and what has caused them. And he must not be forced to go on the holiday.

Why on earth would anyone want to go on a holiday abroad with a 13 year old that is completely agains the idea?

The 13 year old hasn't had any input on the holiday arrangements so hasn't been Abe to voice his concerns about the heat and boredom before hand. Going away now he is going to be miserable and will spoil the holiday for everyone, even if he behaves there is going to be an element of egg shells

to find an alternative for the duration of the holiday of somewhere where he can stay in safely and be ok is surely the solution - its no giving in to his demands its realising that he wasn't consulted about the "family" holiday and therefore its not actually a family holiday

The mother could do well to learn from this and make compromises in future

I hated one holiday I went on with my parents and requested the following year to stay at home, my grandparents came to stay so I was safe at home and my parents had a good holiday without me.

in later life I went on several holidays with my father and we had a lot of fun, but by then we both wanted different things from a holiday and they happened to be the same things

Another thought: if bf is living apart from them, are we sure he doesn't have another family who will think he's on a "work trip" during this holiday? I know if I was 14 and found out something like that, it would make me want to stay far far away from the person.

FFS, 13 going 14 year olds do not get sent to prison in the UK stop being so dramatic. 🙄

Let the boy stay with his Aunt. I stopped holidaying with my parents at 14. I just didn't enjoy the sort of holidays they went on.

The BF is emotionally abusive. That's abuse as far as child protective services are concerned. He doesn't need to be bashing him for it to be considered "abuse".

I would call SS and get this kid out of the situation, either living with his aunt or in foster care.

So cliff notes, his mum is insisting he go on holiday with a complete arsehole who bullies him and you're looking for ways to force him to go?

Hell no! Let him stay home with a friend so someone and point out to his mum in robust terms that she is priorising her relationship over the welfare of her child.

I'm not surprised he's run off. So would I. Doesn't sound like anyone is listening to him or caring if they do.

@aCatCalledFawkes

the Brittany eurocamp doesn’t seem to suit you though
?