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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Young teen refusing to holiday abroad. Any suggested solutions?

188 replies

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:27

Not me but a good friend's nephew is camping out at her house to avoid the situation at his home.

His mother and her boyfriend - who doesn't live with them - have paid for a two week holiday in Southern Europe. Nephew wasn't consulted and hated the last holiday to a nearby holiday destination when he was ten. His younger sister and his half sister - his mum's & boyfriend's child - are happy to go.
He is adamant he's not, has taken his passport and hidden it outside their home. No threats or bribes were working on him. He left his family home on Thursday with a bag and turned up on my friend's doorstep unannounced. He's spoken to his mother once to confirm he's okay then blocked her, removed the battery from his phone so he can't tracked and spent the night on the sofa.
He's apparently run away before a couple of years back and was returned by a family friend two days later, so this behaviour isn't a one off.

My friend, her husband - who he gets on with - myself and a couple of others have talked to him. He won't return home unless he's told he's not going and his ticket is cancelled. He's also threatening to burn his passport or if they did manage to drag him to the airport, would make a scene & claim mum's boyfriend was smuggling stuff so none of them would get on the plane.
My friend is badly dyslexic and dreads writing and typing, so posting this to help her out.
The lad is nice and normally friendly - met him at barbecues and parties before - but says he's not being stuck in same apartment with his Mum's BF those thirteen days. His father died a few years back so staying with him isn't an option. My friend would put him up as it's school holidays and she works at a school office but expects major backlash from her sister if she did.
So we're stump as they are meant to be flying out in less than three weeks.

Any possible solutions Mumsnetters?

OP posts:
user9064385631 · 27/07/2025 10:17

I wouldn’t want to go on holiday for two weeks with someone I didn’t like. Let him stay home with the aunt, presuming she’s happy to have him.
Quite impressed with his taking the passport, he’s obviously thought it through!
Losing a parent as a child is a big deal, you can’t expect him to be on tip top form after such a short time.

Hermiaxx · 27/07/2025 10:26

I took in a teenager in similar circumstances (friend of DS2 so no relation!). He ended up staying for over six months. I have no regrets and would do it again in a heartbeat! Some men are vile and some teenagers need protection, please give it if you can 💐

Maray1967 · 27/07/2025 10:27

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:55

Highly unlikely. BF didn't go on the last Mediterranean holiday. The Nephew still hates it as he was bored the whole time and he dislikes hot weather etc. I don't know if it's a sensory issue or it just irritates him. I'll check in later, as me & my friend are in the middle of a journey.

I have a lot of sympathy with the boy here. My DS17 doesn’t like heat and has hay fever. He didn’t cope wonderfully well in Spain before Covid, so we have not done that type of holiday since. We’ve done road trips/city breaks in Germany, Scandinavia, Scotland. This year we are in the Mediterranean but are cruising and we’ve been on several boat trips so we’re avoiding still heat and pollen. We discussed it with him in advance and he was happy about going. Why is the mother booking the type of holiday that her son can’t cope with?

If I was your friend I’d take him for the holiday period and I’d be telling my sister that she was ill advised to book that type of holiday. The bloke sounds like an idiot. Why on earth is he mocking his step-son’s interests and why is the boy’s mother allowing this?

dontgetmestartedwillu · 27/07/2025 10:28

@LoopyLoo1991 The BF sounds like a real prat but I wonder if this boy is neurodivergent?

You mention he doesn't like hot weather (I know a lot of people who don't but not that common to be so staunchly against at that age I think) and 'independent'. Teens with sensory issues can have such strong, visceral reactions to things like the weather, places etc. I remember running away from an aunt I stayed with over the summer hols (who I loved) because she snored so loudly! There was no convincing me to stay so I think some kids can be very stubborn.

I wonder whether this is creating a perfect storm - what with the horrible bf - obviously best to let the sister have him while the rest go on holiday.

Then the woman should chuck the bf - he sounds ghastly!

nomas · 27/07/2025 10:35

I feel for the lad. I love the sun but my husband and a good friend hate the heat too. He shouldn’t be forced to go when there’s an option for him to stay with his aunt.

LlynTegid · 27/07/2025 10:44

Kate8889 · 27/07/2025 10:03

Another thought: if bf is living apart from them, are we sure he doesn't have another family who will think he's on a "work trip" during this holiday? I know if I was 14 and found out something like that, it would make me want to stay far far away from the person.

I have to say that crossed my mind too that the 'partner' was married or in another relationship.

That does not change my opinion one bit that the DS should not go. As for threats to make a scene at the airport, I would not describe them as that, given his actions so far. I would be almost 100% certain that is what he would do if he ever got as far as the UK airport they are flying from, though probably the passport would be burned beforehand.

Velmy · 27/07/2025 10:48

LondonPapa · 27/07/2025 07:39

The solution is Mum’s BF, who has clearly abused him, is prevented from going on holiday with the boy. Let him stay behind as it’ll be safer.

As a ‘friend’ how can you write this all up, and not see the Mum’s BF is the issue?

A teenager kicking off because they don't want to go on holiday is not a sign that they're 'clearly abused'. What a ridiculous leap.

Pinty · 27/07/2025 10:53

I think staying with the Aunt is best option. As she seems happy to have him.
Obviously there is an issue between him and his step father and making him go on holiday when she is so determined not to go isn't going to make it improve

caringcarer · 27/07/2025 11:07

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 27/07/2025 06:34

How long has mum been with the boyfriend and why is this lad showing such a strong reaction to spending time with him?

If his aunt is happy to have him then he should stay with her.

Edited

This.

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 11:12

Update:
Nephew has spoken to schoolmate and Schoolmate's Mother. Schoolmum has talked to (read shouted at) Nephew's Mum - they know eachother - and confirmed the situation is ridiculous. Schoolmum, K & K's Husband and will supervise Nephew while the other four are off on holiday. Drama over hopefully.

K and her sister don't have a particularly close relationship. K is self admittedly non confrontational and needs someone to hold her hand in times like this - thus I was roped in ...

K thanks everyone with the suggestions and posts. She likes outside conformation and ideas as she gets very hesitant about stuff like this.

Mentions that K's Nephew might be neurodivergent may well be correct. My partner has Asperger's and a couple of things between the two of them are very similar. I should get the two of them to chat sometime, as DP is a good judge if a kids on the spectrum. Obviously a professional is need for confirmation etc.
Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
nomas · 27/07/2025 11:16

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 11:12

Update:
Nephew has spoken to schoolmate and Schoolmate's Mother. Schoolmum has talked to (read shouted at) Nephew's Mum - they know eachother - and confirmed the situation is ridiculous. Schoolmum, K & K's Husband and will supervise Nephew while the other four are off on holiday. Drama over hopefully.

K and her sister don't have a particularly close relationship. K is self admittedly non confrontational and needs someone to hold her hand in times like this - thus I was roped in ...

K thanks everyone with the suggestions and posts. She likes outside conformation and ideas as she gets very hesitant about stuff like this.

Mentions that K's Nephew might be neurodivergent may well be correct. My partner has Asperger's and a couple of things between the two of them are very similar. I should get the two of them to chat sometime, as DP is a good judge if a kids on the spectrum. Obviously a professional is need for confirmation etc.
Thanks everyone.

Edited

Who is School mate? Who is School mum?

Why isn’t the nephew staying with his aunt?

Glad it’s all resolved!

justasking111 · 27/07/2025 11:22

Good result

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 11:23

nomas · 27/07/2025 11:16

Who is School mate? Who is School mum?

Why isn’t the nephew staying with his aunt?

Glad it’s all resolved!

Schoolmate has been friends with nephew since primary school (K's not sure) and Schoolmum has known Nephew since they became friends - about eight years? She's on the PTA apparently and no nonsense type. Probably best person to talk sense into Nephew's Mother tbh.

OP posts:
Eeriefairy · 27/07/2025 11:25

My DH and his brother were so adamant they didn’t want to be babysat by a particular young woman they managed to lock her out of the house. Their mum gave them a massive telling off for locking the babysitter out. Never bothered to ask why they were so against her, just assumed they were naughty boys. She was sexually abusing them both.

It’s unusual for a kid to behave this way so this and the fact that he has run away before would be red flags for me. Who knows what the boyfriend might have said to keep the kid quiet.

Keepingittogetherstepbystep · 27/07/2025 11:25

Glad there has been a sensible resolution.

I do wonder if his dad dieing and him having visited this particular area before are connected given he was 10 and his dad died 3 years ago. Add on a male taking the mick constantly then no wonder he's had such a strong reaction.

drspouse · 27/07/2025 11:31

I am glad this has been resolved.
I am normally one for not letting children dictate family decisions but we have also had very good and very bad holidays depending on how much the DCs (one of whom has ADHD) were enjoying it. We tried one Christmas at my DPs and the DCs asked to have Christmas at home in the future and we agreed. No abuse or particularly unrealistic expectations, just so we could enjoy it more. A holiday has to be a holiday for everyone.

ohnotthisagain2025 · 27/07/2025 11:33

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 27/07/2025 06:31

I would be asking more questions about the boyfriend. Why does this child have just a strong reaction to spending a week with him?

You can’t force someone to do something they really don’t want to do. I think him staying with his aunt would be the better option.

This is EXACTLY what I thought. Why is this boy so adamant that he won't be stuck in an apartment with this man for 13 days? And why did he run away before?

ohnotthisagain2025 · 27/07/2025 11:35

The drama is NOT over for the boy. I am glad he's not being forced to go on holiday and would be very very worried about why he had such a strong reaction to spending so much time with the boyfriend.

Theroadt · 27/07/2025 11:37

Why on earth do people in second partnerships assume they can foist the new family onto their own in a happy tranquil “blend” and steamroller their kids’ feelings like this. I think his aunt is lovely sheltering him - would she be prepared to givd him a home? His current one sounds pretty toxic, poor lad

vickylou78 · 27/07/2025 11:40

The mother of the boy should be putting him first!!! He's already lost his father, he needs love. He should be put first over a sodding holiday.

Holiday should be cancelled in my mind. And they should perhaps book somewhere that isn't as hot and leave bf at home.

Zellycat · 27/07/2025 11:43

A lot of kids are bored & unhappy on holidays that parents think are great.

Bored with sun, pool and lounger all day, no friends. Obnoxious other kids. And he is probably expected to supervise younger kids while the adults do adult stuff. The a-hole mum BF is the icing on the cake.

The parent should obviously let him stay with safe person. Not make a deal about it.

Strong feeling that they want him to be the child-minder while mum & BF have a holiday.

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 11:47

ohnotthisagain2025 · 27/07/2025 11:33

This is EXACTLY what I thought. Why is this boy so adamant that he won't be stuck in an apartment with this man for 13 days? And why did he run away before?

He ran away before due to a blazing row with his mum about something getting broken. Went into the communal garden which is fenced in to cool off. Instead he exited through a neighbours place and hung out with someone's grandparents. Lots of kids around so an extra wasn't noticed. He was found asleep behind a sofa the next morning and driven home. The grandparents are good people & have known K and her sister's family two decades.

OP posts:
aCatCalledFawkes · 27/07/2025 11:48

Cherrytree86 · 27/07/2025 10:16

@aCatCalledFawkes

the Brittany eurocamp doesn’t seem to suit you though
?

It's an ok holiday. My kids get the beach, a pool with slides, a bedroom each and its reasonably priced. We did Rome at the start of the July, that was fabulous but expensive so I'm happy to take an option I know quite well. I need to think of a new idea for next year though .......

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/07/2025 11:50

autienotnaughty · 27/07/2025 06:58

He shouldn’t be forced to go. Aunt is kind to have him.
Mum needs to think about why she’s choosing to be in a relationship with a man who her son doesn’t like and treats her son poorly.

This ^. The bf sounds like an ignorant, macho bully.

Branleuse · 27/07/2025 11:52

I suspect that tensions have been higher with the mothers partner as the lad has got into adolescence, whilst the partners own child is still small and cute and more compliant. If thats the case, it will be stressful for the boy, and especially if the boy really really wants his own dad to guide him.

If the mother doesnt be careful and make sure shes sticking up for her own son and including him in decisions that affect him, then the risk is that she will lose her relationship with her son, and the partner wont mind that at all.

I think they need to show the child the basic respect appropriate to his age and make sure he is included in choosing a holiday he wants to go on, and to sort out where he can stay on the ones he doesnt want to go to.

The mother needs to back off her son and apologise. She also needs to be so grateful to the other schoolmum.

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