Young teen refusing to holiday abroad. Any suggested solutions?

[LoopyLoo1991]

Not me but a good friend's nephew is camping out at her house to avoid the situation at his home.

His mother and her boyfriend - who doesn't live with them - have paid for a two week holiday in Southern Europe. Nephew wasn't consulted and hated the last holiday to a nearby holiday destination when he was ten. His younger sister and his half sister - his mum's & boyfriend's child - are happy to go.
He is adamant he's not, has taken his passport and hidden it outside their home. No threats or bribes were working on him. He left his family home on Thursday with a bag and turned up on my friend's doorstep unannounced. He's spoken to his mother once to confirm he's okay then blocked her, removed the battery from his phone so he can't tracked and spent the night on the sofa.
He's apparently run away before a couple of years back and was returned by a family friend two days later, so this behaviour isn't a one off.

My friend, her husband - who he gets on with - myself and a couple of others have talked to him. He won't return home unless he's told he's not going and his ticket is cancelled. He's also threatening to burn his passport or if they did manage to drag him to the airport, would make a scene & claim mum's boyfriend was smuggling stuff so none of them would get on the plane.
My friend is badly dyslexic and dreads writing and typing, so posting this to help her out.
The lad is nice and normally friendly - met him at barbecues and parties before - but says he's not being stuck in same apartment with his Mum's BF those thirteen days. His father died a few years back so staying with him isn't an option. My friend would put him up as it's school holidays and she works at a school office but expects major backlash from her sister if she did.
So we're stump as they are meant to be flying out in less than three weeks.

Any possible solutions Mumsnetters?

They can't force him to go and it is ridiculous for them to even try. Even if they somehow drag him there he will be miserable and everyone's holiday will be ruined, not just his. Let him stay with his aunt.

I think it's entirely reasonable not to want to go to the southern Europe in August, nephew doesn't like hot weather and the heat is likely to be ferocious. Then there is the issue of the boyfriend belittling and bullying him, so it isn't really surprising he doesn't want to go.

I suggest this Mother follows this advice if she wants to permanently damage her relationship with her son. If that’s her goal, this is the winning post.

Ridiculing someone and putting them down, especially in the areas of their life they are most proud and passionate, is abuse. We’d recognize this is a partner did it to his girlfriend or wife, so why not if a twatty boyfriend ( who it appears rubs most people up the wrong way) does it to a child?

Good for this kid for standing up for himself and his just boundaries. No one else is doing so, not even his Mother, even though that’s her job.

I think if K is happy to have him, he should stay there - so it’s how K handles the situation with her sister.

he could be manipulative or he could be not.
well, he’s a teen!

all this talk about the mums boyfriend being abusive is awful. It’s often recommended not to bring another adult into teenage lives. The little girl misses out on her dad living with her but sounds like she sees him a lot and he financially provides for her fully. he wasn’t even on the holiday to a nearby place which the boy disliked.

Maybe what he thinks of banter the boy is sensitive to. But who always meshes absolutely perfectly?

Does the mum know where her son is? Not just has his word that he's safe?

After that... Going on holiday for 2 weeks to a place he doesn't like, cooped up in a room with someone he doesn't like, doesn't sound that great of a holiday. I wouldn't want to go either.

My young teen DS loved AI holidays where he got to stay in his own air conditioned room with his electronics and room service on tap. He came to dinner and on days out with us, which he enjoyed, but otherwise was allowed to get on with it. Would that be an option? Otherwise, I'd just let him stay with your friend.

All devices removed for not wanting to go on a holiday that he doesn't enjoy with someone who bullies him? I should imagine if he's treated like this he will be running away from home at 16yrs or as soon as he can. He wouldn't be dictating anything if he was listened too and asked what he wanted when the holiday was booked, its meant to be fun not punishment. I don't think my 14yr old son should have to be grateful that I listen to him and book things with him in mind so that he also has a fun time. I just thought that was what you do as a parent.

The sister of the boy’s mum has never visited the flat, not the mum.

It doesn't sound to me that boy has done anything wrong at all and if he wants to stay home with the aunt, the best thing is to let him. He is an otherwise reasonable person (it would be forgivable to not be reasonable at his age) and the boyfriend doesn't sound the greatest. There is nothing wrong with him having his opinion, sticking to it, having his boundaries etc. - these are all qualities that will support him in life. I'd support him.

Sums it up for me. His mother can't force him to play happy families with someone he doesn't get on with.

I am astonished that anyone would make a teen go on a holiday they don't want.
We have an autistic teen who won't travel, so he stays at home with grandparents.

Honestly gobsmacked that the mother thinks it is in anyone's interest to force a holiday on him, much less with a man who diminishes the son and his interests.

Ah this poor kid - if I have understood correctly, you look at the timeline of things for him in the last 9 years (so from when he was 4/5) he has had so much change and a lot to cope with. Parents split 9 years ago, mum gets new partner 7 years ago, new sibling 6 years ago, then all the chaos and upheaval of the pandemic and then his father died 3 years ago. He lost a parent.

I have a 14 year old DC and even without any of these factors (except Covid obvs) life can be challenging and bewildering for them just due to growing up and experiencing strong emotions so goodness knows this young man must be struggling and he is expressing this in the clearest way he can, but it seems his mum isn't hearing it.

He cannot possibly be taken on the holiday, should stay with his aunt and then counselling should be arranged ASAP. If he is somehow made to go on the holiday I would be very concerned that he would run away again but this time in a place he is unfamiliar with posing far greater danger to his safety. I hope this is a wake up call to his family to start listening to him over his concerns regarding his mum's partner. What sort of person is bullying and belittling a child for their interests? Not a good one.

This. If he’s pressured into going on holiday, he’ll have a miserable time and ruin it for everyone else too. A quiet time with an aunt he obviously trusts could be very helpful for him and perhaps give them a chance to talk through his problems. 👏to kind-hearted auntie.

In addition to what others have said I’m surprised that an almost 14 year old with 2 much younger siblings wasn’t invited into a discussion about where they all might like to go on holiday.
Based in the information so far I’m seeing a woman who is favouring her male partner and 2 younger children. The teen is being ignored to some extent by the mother and abused by the partner. People have alluded to abuse hinting at sexual/physical and we have already had clear emotional abuse and bullying described.
The teen knows he will be treated at best as a young child and his ‘stepfather’ will no doubt want to be the ‘manager’ of this holiday. Possibly it will be uncomfortable if the teen ‘inconveniences’ this man in anyway whilst sharing accommodation. Perhaps he might not want to eat at prescribed times for example or be in the bathroom when the man wants to be in there.
like pps I sadly have experience of having to share space with a new partner and it is not nice, I remember being shamed for using the toilet and feeling very uncomfortable. His mother should prioritise getting a message to him and asking if he’d like to stay with his aunt.

the friend needs to look at the bigger picture - it may be too late. Why is there such disregard and disrespect for this young lad?

This isn't bad behaviour you silly

Another of those women who picks a shit man over her kids. The holiday isn’t the issue, it’s the arsehole boyfriend. I’d suggest she rethinks her plans and prioritises her son.

So his mum's new boyfriend emotionally abuses him, and he refuses to spend a holiday in close quarters to him in a destination he already knows he dislikes.

His aunt is a responsible adult and happy to have him.

I think the immediate solution is obvious. He should stay with his aunt.

Long term though this poor lad. His dad has died young, and his mum has had another child with a man who emotionally abuses him. 😢 I'm glad his aunt can be there for him.

All behaviour is communication. I'd be concerned about him

Poor kid. Mum doesn't encourage a relationship with Dad. Dad dies, so no opportunity to reconnect later. Mum expects boy to play happy families with a man who bullies him. What could possibly go wrong ?

this - he doesn't want to go so would ruin the holiday if forced to. He has been offered a safe solution would make sense to take it. He just needs his mum to discuss the way this has escalated - although to be fair its likely he felt powerless / not listened to so changes need to be made on both sides.

This!

Your friend contacts the child’s mother - tells her where her son is, that he doesn’t want to go on the holiday, that it seems her boyfriend is unpleasant to him and that the nephew is welcome to stay there instead of going on the holiday.

Then she steps back and lets the mother be a mother.

This is different (because of the nasty boyfriend) but my friends 13 year old ‘refused’ to go on a family holiday. She just didn’t want to leave her friends and do ‘boring stuff’. I really felt for the friend - it’s one thing saying a child shouldn’t be forced to go on holiday but if no one else can look after them then the other side of that is mam, dad and 2 other children who desperately DO want to go on holiday and can’t because one child says no!

I agree with this solution too.
I had a similar situation with a young relative last year who refused to go away with his family and stayed with me instead. He explained it to me as when they’re overseas he’s more reliant on his family, staying in same place and doesn’t understand transport and currency so well so he couldnt escape them if he needed to and this made him more anxious.
It’s probably a similar issue with this young lad and not being isolated abroad with them should be respected. It doesn’t mean the abuse has been awful or criminal necessarily just enough to make him feel worried if he can’t get away from “banter” etc for a few hours because he’s much more dependent on them in that country.

Yeah the experience of going on a holiday with a stepfather who sees you as an inconvenience is a 0/10 would not recommend experience.

I remember we were all on a hike, I was 17, and my mom and her partner went ahead and didn't even make sure I was ok. Then I got yelled at when I went back to the car and they didn't know where I was.

When I would ask if we could please stop to look at something I would get yelled at. Everything I did was wrong. Never went on holiday with them again.

We don’t know the full situation. We’re getting the information third hand from OP, who clearly only has her friend’s version of a young teen’s summary of events. Without having all the information from all parties, we can’t take what a young teen says at face value. Children will be economical with the truth when trying to get their own way.

This. I hated family holidays at that age, though they were exactly the same holidays we'd always been on, I loved my parents and they were not abusive. I didn't think of refusing to go until a bit older when I had important exams coming up. I negotiated with them and stayed with my grandparents instead.

So the question really is how does your friend tell her sister that the boy is staying with her. Find a neutral space, be clear and non confrontational and say how it’ll work. It’s normal for teenagers to do this.

I understand the mum doesn't want her son controlling the whole household but I rather admire the boy's organisation. If the aunt could broker a meeting (or even a video call) between them, would they both stay calm and listen to each other?

It's not much fun holidaying with a grumpy teenager and he may not have anything in common with his two younger sisters. Would the holiday destination allow for him to go off and do his own thing? Would he have his own room - not sleeping in the living area? Is there any kind of family holiday that he would be willing to join (different location, no bf, activity, shorter duration)?

I don't think the mum can physically force him to go but she may need to feel that she's at least in charge of the decision. The bf needs to stop being a prat to the boy and mum should challenge him every time. Teenager needs to find a way to communicate, without running away and putting himself at risk

Sounds absolutely shit, I wouldn’t want to go either. The mum needs to make appropriate arrangements for the son and let him stay at home. There is absolutely no reason why the poor kid should be forced to spend time with this nasty bully just because his mum is shagging him. He’s tried one holiday and hated it.

I’d let him stay for as long as he needs to.