Young teen refusing to holiday abroad. Any suggested solutions?

[LoopyLoo1991]

Not me but a good friend's nephew is camping out at her house to avoid the situation at his home.

His mother and her boyfriend - who doesn't live with them - have paid for a two week holiday in Southern Europe. Nephew wasn't consulted and hated the last holiday to a nearby holiday destination when he was ten. His younger sister and his half sister - his mum's & boyfriend's child - are happy to go.
He is adamant he's not, has taken his passport and hidden it outside their home. No threats or bribes were working on him. He left his family home on Thursday with a bag and turned up on my friend's doorstep unannounced. He's spoken to his mother once to confirm he's okay then blocked her, removed the battery from his phone so he can't tracked and spent the night on the sofa.
He's apparently run away before a couple of years back and was returned by a family friend two days later, so this behaviour isn't a one off.

My friend, her husband - who he gets on with - myself and a couple of others have talked to him. He won't return home unless he's told he's not going and his ticket is cancelled. He's also threatening to burn his passport or if they did manage to drag him to the airport, would make a scene & claim mum's boyfriend was smuggling stuff so none of them would get on the plane.
My friend is badly dyslexic and dreads writing and typing, so posting this to help her out.
The lad is nice and normally friendly - met him at barbecues and parties before - but says he's not being stuck in same apartment with his Mum's BF those thirteen days. His father died a few years back so staying with him isn't an option. My friend would put him up as it's school holidays and she works at a school office but expects major backlash from her sister if she did.
So we're stump as they are meant to be flying out in less than three weeks.

Any possible solutions Mumsnetters?

I would sort out the holiday thing first because everyone is tense about that then think about the wider issues. Holiday wise I would say to my sister, look, he doesn't want to go, he will be miserable and then everyone will be miserable, I'm happy to have him, he can stay with me. Then take it from there.

He should stay with his Aunt during the holiday. There is no point in anyone trying to force him to go.

The boy's reaction to a holiday is extreme and to me, very worrying. A reaction like that isn't just because he doesn't like hot weather!

My parents used to holiday in southern France when I was a similar age. We had our own caravan. I found my sister very difficult (long story) and wasn't a lover of hot weather but I went and did enjoy lots of it.

I don't think trying to force him to go is going to be beneficial for anyone. The aunt would be best talking to the mother and suggesting he stays with her while the others go on holiday. That's a short term solution.

In the longer term though, his mother needs to look very closely at her boyfriend and at what the issue is, however unpalatable that might be. I would advise finding someone the boy can speak to openly- counsellor, pastoral worker at school etc. There is something seriously amiss here and it needs addressing before it causes further damage.

You think that a 13 year old would be put in prison for making a scene at an airport? It's more likely that he would be taken into care and questions asked about their family relationships, particularly with his step-dad.

Zero point trying to make him go. He stays with his Aunt.

This has red flags all over it. Let the boy stay home with the aunt.

This, take all the drama out of it, no big clashes or arguments at the moment.
"OK, we'll miss you, but don't want to force you"
Also remove passport so he can't destroy it, and definitely mum son time!

Is your friend happy to have her nephew stay with her if his mum agrees? That would be the best solution all round.

He obviously has huge issues with his mum's boyfriend, who sounds mean and insensitive at best and possibly abusive at worst. As you have revealed that his mum's boyfriend lives elsewhere, your friend's nephew is obviously dreading being with him for two weeks. Does his mum stick up for her son when her boyfriend is mocking him or does she ignore his horrible behaviour?

He sounds like he has asd and doesn't like changing routine?

I wouldn’t fancy two weeks in a flat in a hot country with a bloke I hated either. Sounds absolutely miserable.

She’s never visited the flat in 7 years? Her daughter doesn’t know where her father lives.

this is ridiculous

Your friend needs to listen to her son. This is also my 14yr old son who doesn't really like the hot weather, doesn't really do sitting around by a pool (lots of people don't), he doesn't want to share a room with any of us (fair enough) and that's without a BF coming along who takes the piss out of him so I can't imagine the push back if I brought a BF like a long who behaved like that.

This year I have really listened to him. We have done a weekend in Rome (seen all the big sights as he's interested in History) and next we will go on a Eurocamp type holiday where he can have his own room , its in Brittany so cooler temp wise - which is a weird step back for me as I said I didn't want to do it again but it suits us all this year so needs must.

I think he's reaction is extreme TBH, something is triggering that and you should be ask why and where is it coming from. Even if a teen doesn't like the sounds of a holiday, this isn't normal behaviour. Why isn't your friend addressing it.

Why? The whole essence of a holiday is that it is a fun thing. It's not like school or work or keeping good personal hygenie. If it's the case, as with my ds that he hates the idea of change and not being at home but always ends up enjoying himself and is glad he went, then yes, don't entertain any qualms but this is way beyond that. He doesn't want to spend time with this man that the mum has imposed on his family and he dislikes extreme heat. If there is a childcare solution, which it seems there is, I really can't see why you would force him.

If Aunt is happy to have him then I don't see what the problem is. Teen stays at home. Family go on holiday. Everyone gets what they want.
I think his mum needs to listen to him. He has explained he really doesn't want to go, has tried in the past with the previous holiday abroad,.so she should now respect his decision, especially as there is someone who sounds willing to take him while they are away so it's not like they are stuck for childcare.

This. The BF is the issue not the destination. I was a child in this position. It’s awful how many parents behave like this. My DM always put her DP over the wellbeing of her DC. I will always resent her to a degree.

please don’t force this child to go away with this man. There is a reason his reaction is so strong.

I think forcing a teen to go on a holiday you know there not going to enjoy isn't a holiday at all. IMO holidays should offer something for everyone, if last years didn't work you try something different the next year.

@LoopyLoo1991 my friends son is like this. Literally won't leave Wales now he's a young man. Doesn't fly, trains nope. He's definitely dyslexic but mother suspects there's other ND issues Has a good job, just bought his first house but chooses to stay at home.

Let him stay at home. He doesn't like the heat, possibly has ND tendencies. He sounds like a nice boy. Let him dance to his own tune.

The boyfriend sounds an ass btw.

There is absolutely no point dragging this boy on a holiday he's prepared to take drastic steps to avoid. No point whatsoever.

If his aunt is happy to have him, he should stay with her. Separately, the family should explore what has got them to the point where he is behaving like this - family dynamics, abuse by SD, undiagnosed ND or sensory needs which makes change difficult. I would ask him to write a letter explaining why he doesn't want to go on holiday.

@LoopyLoo1991 what is "K"'s relationship with her sister like?

Would her sister listen and take advice from K?

K should present it to her that obviously the lad is reluctant and would spoil the holiday for the rest of the family who'd have a much more relaxing time without him.

If K is happy to have the nephew then all fine and well if Mum agrees.

I think K could certainly act as a mediator but I also think she must be concerned about the welfare of her nephew, he is vehemently opposed to going on the holiday, which of itself is quite an extreme reaction in such a young person, doesn't she think?

Although it puts K in a difficult and stressful position, she is able to offer an impartial solution, ultimately though, it will be her sister's decision.

So a bereaved 13 year old screaming out for a positive male role model is instead living with an abusive male arsehole and his Mum is wondering why he is bolting out the door at the prospect of being in forced close proximity with said arsehole in a foreign country.

If K is happy to have him and take the shit from nephew's Mum, I would have him. He needs warmth, love and understanding. Has he at least had some sort of therapy for his loss?

As you suggest it’s very unlikely he’s been abused, it sounds like he just doesn’t want to go, and is the type of child to push boundaries. He needs to go on the holiday. He’s a child and can’t start dictating what he will and won’t do when it comes down to situations like this. People harbouring him at their home are just enabling his behaviour. His mother needs to sit down with him, one on one, and try to get to the bottom of his behaviour. Refusal to go on the holiday should be met with consequences. Ie all devices removed from him. Letting him get away with this is going to lead everyone down a hellish path, because the demands and bad behaviour will increase as he gets older.

Poor kid. I don’t understand why people think his reaction is extreme. He’s being bullied by this man who mocks the things he loves and has passion for. By extension, this is mocking him. Would any of you spend two weeks living on holiday with a bullying co-worker like this? No, none of you would.

My Ex has autism and I have had to be extremely firm with him that he cannot criticism or call ‘rubbish’ the things our kids enjoy. If he does he will ruin his relationship with them. What he thinks of these things is irrelevant. They are allowed their own passions and our job is to support them.

I would not tolerant any boyfriend who treated my kids like that ( he would be or on his arse) let alone demand they spend two weeks on holiday with him.

Sorry, but this is on the Mother. She must know about the tensions. Her job is to protect her son from his bully, not demand he holidays with him.

To be frank, the over the top teasing and the strength of the boy’s reaction scream abuse. I would do all you can to protect that poor child.

The BF is a massive bullying cunt, no fucking wonder the lad doesn't want to spend a fortnight trapped with him. Let the poor lad spend the time with his Auntie if she's happy to have him.

I don’t see the drama.

He doesn’t want to go on holiday and aunty has offered to look after him.

Job done.