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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Young teen refusing to holiday abroad. Any suggested solutions?

188 replies

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:27

Not me but a good friend's nephew is camping out at her house to avoid the situation at his home.

His mother and her boyfriend - who doesn't live with them - have paid for a two week holiday in Southern Europe. Nephew wasn't consulted and hated the last holiday to a nearby holiday destination when he was ten. His younger sister and his half sister - his mum's & boyfriend's child - are happy to go.
He is adamant he's not, has taken his passport and hidden it outside their home. No threats or bribes were working on him. He left his family home on Thursday with a bag and turned up on my friend's doorstep unannounced. He's spoken to his mother once to confirm he's okay then blocked her, removed the battery from his phone so he can't tracked and spent the night on the sofa.
He's apparently run away before a couple of years back and was returned by a family friend two days later, so this behaviour isn't a one off.

My friend, her husband - who he gets on with - myself and a couple of others have talked to him. He won't return home unless he's told he's not going and his ticket is cancelled. He's also threatening to burn his passport or if they did manage to drag him to the airport, would make a scene & claim mum's boyfriend was smuggling stuff so none of them would get on the plane.
My friend is badly dyslexic and dreads writing and typing, so posting this to help her out.
The lad is nice and normally friendly - met him at barbecues and parties before - but says he's not being stuck in same apartment with his Mum's BF those thirteen days. His father died a few years back so staying with him isn't an option. My friend would put him up as it's school holidays and she works at a school office but expects major backlash from her sister if she did.
So we're stump as they are meant to be flying out in less than three weeks.

Any possible solutions Mumsnetters?

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 27/07/2025 11:56

BabyCatFace · 27/07/2025 06:33

If his aunt wants to have him for those 2 weeks then they should all let him stay. There is a lot more going on than a holiday but now is not the time to draw battle lines. Let the child stay home and work out what's going on after the holiday.

I agree. He is showing a lot of courage, I admire that! I wish I had been so resolute at such a young age.

dynamiccactus · 27/07/2025 12:05

Jumpthewaves · 27/07/2025 07:00

If it really is just that he doesn't want to go because he'll be bored and hot then tough luck, he should be going. It's if there's something more that really needs checking.

Does he need to go if his aunt is happy to have him?

I hate hot weather and I wouldn't go to a hot country in July/August. I can't see why you'd force a teen to go if they didn't need to. No doubt they'll be whining if it's 40 degrees and they can't do anything.

And I can totally see why he might not want to go with his mum's full of himself boyfriend too.

He might be being overdramatic but if there's a solution then take it.

I wouldn't have booked a trip that I knew my son would hate when he was 13.

sashh · 27/07/2025 12:10

Thunderpants88 · 27/07/2025 06:38

Has he been abused by the Bf?

He is being abused by the bf by taking the piss out of his art and hobbies. That's just nasty from an adult to a child.

I stopped going on holiday with my parents as soon as I could, I also don't like heat.

My agreement with my parents was that my grandmother would move in to keep an eye on me and my brother (if he was there).

I have just seen the update, it sounds like a good solution.

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/07/2025 12:18

@LoopyLoo1991 the lad is old enough to have a voice .
If he doesn’t want to go why is he “being forced” ?
I wouldn’t tell the lad to go back home.
Id say he can stay with me . Surely the mum would be happy eh is safe and happy .
If not is that because the step parent is controling and believes the lad should do as he is told .

BigDayForTheWomen · 27/07/2025 12:20

Not managing high temperatures is a good reason for the boy refusing the holiday even without relationship issues. It's sensible of him to find a way of staying at home and will be probably better for everyone if he stays. I hated family hols as a teenager and my parents sensibly stopped arranging them after I was 15. They went on their own after that and relationships at home improved.

Tia247 · 27/07/2025 12:34

If the mum is dyslexic than the lad might be ND too, it generally runs in families. If he's ND he might really struggle with the heat and just going away in general. DS is ND and doesn't like holidays generally or the heat.

I think him staying with the aunt makes perfect sense.

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 27/07/2025 12:34

Glad out is sorted in the short term but this does need investigating further. This is a lot more than teenage stropiness. Would K contact her nephews school and give some information to the designated safeguarding lead?

Someone needs to find out if there is anything deeper and advocate for this boy.

Sapphire1122 · 27/07/2025 12:39

Good to hear it’s been sorted. I think 14 ish is a classic age for some teens to not want to go on family holidays. You are no longer a young child but not an adult, but often still treated as if more a child!

I was 14 when I went on last family holiday and only went due to my mum promising it would be the last, which it was. No abuse, but sitting in a tin can (caravan!) in a wet field in Wales with a family that argued constantly and a dad that snored (so no sleep) was hell. My mum was glad to knock them on the head, no one enjoyed them.

Our family had no one to leave me with and no money for sending me off on a PGL type thing, if they even existed back in the seventies!

When I look back, it was the fear of being trapped and not able to escape from it, either to my own room or to friends.

HunnyPot · 27/07/2025 12:44

Mum's BF is very opinionated and taken the mickey of the nephew's art projects and hobbies

Why does she want to go on holiday with a man who treats her son this way. Good on the son for sticking up for himself and setting a boundary.

LBFseBrom · 27/07/2025 14:15

HunnyPot · 27/07/2025 12:44

Mum's BF is very opinionated and taken the mickey of the nephew's art projects and hobbies

Why does she want to go on holiday with a man who treats her son this way. Good on the son for sticking up for himself and setting a boundary.

I quite agree, poor boy.

I'm delighted it is all sorted but his mum needs to have a good think about her boyfriend.

DoYouReally · 27/07/2025 16:56

Your friend's sister sounds like a really poor mother.

She allows her partner bully her child.

Her child is also 13 with signs of being ND and hasn't received any help or support to date.

Poor child probably hasn't received bereavement counselling either.

I think your friend really needs to get over her live of non confrontation as somebody somewhere needs to start advocating for this child.

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 19:58

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/07/2025 12:18

@LoopyLoo1991 the lad is old enough to have a voice .
If he doesn’t want to go why is he “being forced” ?
I wouldn’t tell the lad to go back home.
Id say he can stay with me . Surely the mum would be happy eh is safe and happy .
If not is that because the step parent is controling and believes the lad should do as he is told .

I agree. Speaking to him on Saturday he's polite and has manners. As others have said - and I'm to agree - his Mother's BF seems intimidating at times condescending. Not just to the Nephew but his Aunt's husband as well. K's Husband just confirmed this.
So the nephew is staying at least one more night at K's place and plans made tomorrow. I'm off home so won't be around due to work this week. I'll update if any more happens. K once again thanks everyone and will read the posts when she's not busy. Her husband is grateful for posters help and as having some sort of sounding board for this tricky situation 👍

OP posts:
LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 20:06

Tia247 · 27/07/2025 12:34

If the mum is dyslexic than the lad might be ND too, it generally runs in families. If he's ND he might really struggle with the heat and just going away in general. DS is ND and doesn't like holidays generally or the heat.

I think him staying with the aunt makes perfect sense.

My friend K is the dyslexic one. That's why I posted for her. I can type eight times faster than I can.
Nephew's mother is not dyslexic as far as K knows.
Nephew does appear to have a couple of ND traits. These are mild and he's sociable in his peer group and there's zero issues at his school that we gather. He's a complete animal geek - self labelled - and because I used to work on a horse farm, we'll chat for ages about what I did there and his plans for working with animals.
This isn't an unruly teen lad from what I've seen.

OP posts:
spirit20 · 27/07/2025 20:15

There's no such thing as an adult 'taking the mickey' out of a 13 year old hobbies, the adult is being emotionally abusive.

Report this to the school if possible, as their safeguarding team should know. I'm not being overly dramatic here, these type of scenarios are the exact type of examples of emotional abuse that are used for safeguarding training for teachers.

The BF sounds like a complete prick who doesn't like males who don't fit into his idea of how boys should act and the mother is being a terrible parent for allowing that BF act like that around her son. I know it might inconvenience the aunt, but seeing as how the mother clearly isn't going to step up and be a proper parent, hopefully the aunt can show the boy that there's at least one adult in his life who's looking out for him.

FumingTRex · 27/07/2025 20:27

The mum needs to start listening to the DS and stop prioritising her boyfriend, starting with not making him go on this holiday.

If I were her I would hold my hands up and admit I messed up by assuming DS would be ok with the holiday. Tell him he doesn’t have to go and offer to make up for it with another trip/activity.

UsernameMcUsername · 27/07/2025 20:59

I have a 13yo son and can't imagine wanting to be with someone who treated him like that. I opened this thread assuming the teen was BU, but nope. Who would want to spend two weeks with a bloke who belittled them, just because their mother happened to be shagging said bloke? Also at that age he really should be part of the decision making process, and his feelings taken into account as much as anyone else's. If a family member struggles with really hot weather, don't book a family holiday to Spain in late July / early August???? Surely this isn't hard? Obviously I don't know where exactly they're off to, but its going to be nearly 40 degrees in Seville tomorrow.

SchoolDilemma17 · 27/07/2025 21:06

My mother was exactly like this. Poor child, one parent dead and the other one prioritises a bloke over him. I am glad he has a loving aunt.

steff13 · 27/07/2025 21:09

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 27/07/2025 06:31

I would be asking more questions about the boyfriend. Why does this child have just a strong reaction to spending a week with him?

You can’t force someone to do something they really don’t want to do. I think him staying with his aunt would be the better option.

Yes, this. Why does he feel so strongly?

Elsvieta · 27/07/2025 21:14

Tell your friend to take his phone and he gets it back when she's got the passport. Then kid and passport go back to mum and the rest is for her to work out. Teens won't give up their phones for anything.

LBFseBrom · 27/07/2025 21:28

Elsvieta · 27/07/2025 21:14

Tell your friend to take his phone and he gets it back when she's got the passport. Then kid and passport go back to mum and the rest is for her to work out. Teens won't give up their phones for anything.

I hope you're not serious.

Elsvieta · 27/07/2025 21:53

LBFseBrom · 27/07/2025 21:28

I hope you're not serious.

Completely; it's like magic. Works in all situations.

What else can OP's friend do? She's not the parent; she doesn't decide whether they're making him go on the holiday or not.

BlueyNeedsToFuckOff · 27/07/2025 22:08

Completely; it's like magic. Works in all situations.

Does it make the mother’s boyfriend stop acting like an arsehole?

McSpoot · 27/07/2025 22:50

Elsvieta · 27/07/2025 21:14

Tell your friend to take his phone and he gets it back when she's got the passport. Then kid and passport go back to mum and the rest is for her to work out. Teens won't give up their phones for anything.

Did you bother reading the updates? The ones that show that they don’t need your “magic” and have a plan?

grumpygrape · 27/07/2025 22:52

Elsvieta · 27/07/2025 21:53

Completely; it's like magic. Works in all situations.

What else can OP's friend do? She's not the parent; she doesn't decide whether they're making him go on the holiday or not.

Words fail me.

Sparklebelle1024 · 27/07/2025 22:59

After RTFT I’m glad he’s getting a say and getting to stay at home, kids do have voices too. Mums BF doesn’t sound the most pleasant or nice person to be around to be honest but that’s another conversation!!

I left my 17 year old ASD DS back home last year for two weeks (not alone with grandparents!) when I took my other special needs DD to Florida, I’m a single parent and he voiced repeatedly it would be his worst nightmare to go to Disneyworld he HATES IT etc, he went very dramatic saying it would be child abuse if I took him! I felt so guilty leaving him behind but we had the best time together and he was perfectly happy at home!
he can be violent and kick off when he’s overstimulated etc so it was the right decision and I got him a MacBook for college as his holiday and everyone was happy. He thanked me actually for listening to him and not dragging him over there cos he hates hot places and busy places and he’s just not a Disney person. Still felt guilty though

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