Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Young teen refusing to holiday abroad. Any suggested solutions?

188 replies

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:27

Not me but a good friend's nephew is camping out at her house to avoid the situation at his home.

His mother and her boyfriend - who doesn't live with them - have paid for a two week holiday in Southern Europe. Nephew wasn't consulted and hated the last holiday to a nearby holiday destination when he was ten. His younger sister and his half sister - his mum's & boyfriend's child - are happy to go.
He is adamant he's not, has taken his passport and hidden it outside their home. No threats or bribes were working on him. He left his family home on Thursday with a bag and turned up on my friend's doorstep unannounced. He's spoken to his mother once to confirm he's okay then blocked her, removed the battery from his phone so he can't tracked and spent the night on the sofa.
He's apparently run away before a couple of years back and was returned by a family friend two days later, so this behaviour isn't a one off.

My friend, her husband - who he gets on with - myself and a couple of others have talked to him. He won't return home unless he's told he's not going and his ticket is cancelled. He's also threatening to burn his passport or if they did manage to drag him to the airport, would make a scene & claim mum's boyfriend was smuggling stuff so none of them would get on the plane.
My friend is badly dyslexic and dreads writing and typing, so posting this to help her out.
The lad is nice and normally friendly - met him at barbecues and parties before - but says he's not being stuck in same apartment with his Mum's BF those thirteen days. His father died a few years back so staying with him isn't an option. My friend would put him up as it's school holidays and she works at a school office but expects major backlash from her sister if she did.
So we're stump as they are meant to be flying out in less than three weeks.

Any possible solutions Mumsnetters?

OP posts:
EnterFunnyNameHere · 27/07/2025 07:13

autienotnaughty · 27/07/2025 06:58

He shouldn’t be forced to go. Aunt is kind to have him.
Mum needs to think about why she’s choosing to be in a relationship with a man who her son doesn’t like and treats her son poorly.

This, 100%.

Imagine wanting to be with a man who belittles your 7/8 year old (i think this was the sons age when they got together) for his hobbies/passions.

dottiedodah · 27/07/2025 07:16

I always stayed with my GDP when DM Nd SD went on holiday. TBH I can't see the big deal. Lots of teens are similar. My parents didn't go abroad. But driving holidays in Wales. Didn't appeal to me.SD not abusive .Just let him stay home surely .they will have a good time and so will he.

LivingTheDreamOneNightmareAtATime · 27/07/2025 07:21

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:40

Mum's BF is very opinionated and taken the mickey of the nephew's art projects and hobbies, and nephew want to pursue a future career in a specific field (think working with animals but I don't won't to say the exact job it would be). Been tensions between the two of the since the first year of his Mum dating the BF. They were apparently fine at first. Not met the BF but he sounds like he rubs many people up the wrong way. My friend's husband doesn't particularly like him either. Friend is neutral on him.

I was a teen in this situation. Downplaying what is actually lack of support/emotional neglect to ‘opinionated’ and mickey taking is hugely damaging long term.

JohnWickAteMyHamster · 27/07/2025 07:27

The BF sounds like a bully. No wonder kid doesn't want to go on holiday with him! Good on the kid for standing his ground. If he can stay with the sister then why on earth doesn't he.
Honestly these poor kids whose mum gets a new partner and prioritises their new life over their existing kid, it's sad.
And did I read correctly that mum and BF have a child together? but BF doesn't want to live with them because he doesn't want to have to pay for a bigger property (lives in a small inherited flat) - does he pay towards his actual child? Do anything useful at all?
He sounds awful. Your friends nephew has the absolute measure of him and I don't blame him one bit for not wanting to spend 2 weeks with him.
There isn't a solution that keeps everyone happy. His mum should let him stay with the aunt and then after the holiday take a big step back and look at the bigger picture. And consider putting her child first next time...

BeanQuisine · 27/07/2025 07:33

If he's happy at his aunt's and she's happy for him to be there, I can't see why he should have to be dragged away on a holiday he doesn't want, in the company of a hostile adult who mocks him, to a place where he'll be bored and uncomfortably hot.

LondonPapa · 27/07/2025 07:39

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:27

Not me but a good friend's nephew is camping out at her house to avoid the situation at his home.

His mother and her boyfriend - who doesn't live with them - have paid for a two week holiday in Southern Europe. Nephew wasn't consulted and hated the last holiday to a nearby holiday destination when he was ten. His younger sister and his half sister - his mum's & boyfriend's child - are happy to go.
He is adamant he's not, has taken his passport and hidden it outside their home. No threats or bribes were working on him. He left his family home on Thursday with a bag and turned up on my friend's doorstep unannounced. He's spoken to his mother once to confirm he's okay then blocked her, removed the battery from his phone so he can't tracked and spent the night on the sofa.
He's apparently run away before a couple of years back and was returned by a family friend two days later, so this behaviour isn't a one off.

My friend, her husband - who he gets on with - myself and a couple of others have talked to him. He won't return home unless he's told he's not going and his ticket is cancelled. He's also threatening to burn his passport or if they did manage to drag him to the airport, would make a scene & claim mum's boyfriend was smuggling stuff so none of them would get on the plane.
My friend is badly dyslexic and dreads writing and typing, so posting this to help her out.
The lad is nice and normally friendly - met him at barbecues and parties before - but says he's not being stuck in same apartment with his Mum's BF those thirteen days. His father died a few years back so staying with him isn't an option. My friend would put him up as it's school holidays and she works at a school office but expects major backlash from her sister if she did.
So we're stump as they are meant to be flying out in less than three weeks.

Any possible solutions Mumsnetters?

The solution is Mum’s BF, who has clearly abused him, is prevented from going on holiday with the boy. Let him stay behind as it’ll be safer.

As a ‘friend’ how can you write this all up, and not see the Mum’s BF is the issue?

PermanentTemporary · 27/07/2025 07:40

I would say he definitely doesn’t have to go on the holiday. Having had many holidays I haven’t enjoyed, I am done forcing people to have ‘fun’ they don’t want to have. Particularly if he’s a bereaved teenager living with his mum’s bf, I do feel for him and have a son bereaved if his dad myself.

I would also be keen to reduce the drama. He’s not going on the holiday, so he should go home. If his aunt is willing to have him for two weeks that’s great. If the aunt can set some kind of job-like challenge for the two weeks, such as babysitting her kids, or looking after/walking a dog near her, that would be good, Future holidays - tbc, but perhaps the couple should go away in school terms, if at all - it’s only a couple of years until he could be alone at home I don’t see a single reason why he should have to go away with this bf myself.

Deliaskis · 27/07/2025 07:40

I also have a teen nephew and niece who pretty much loathe my sister's partner, and would hate to be forced to go on holiday too. It's just about bearable for them at home because they can do their own thing and have their own space and social plans. Holidays and the forced together time are awful for them. None of the rest of us can stand the partner either, but sister can't/won't see the problem, thinks she's entitled to choose to be in a relationship, and doesn't see that that shouldn't mean forcing her children into one that they absolutely do not want. And yes, she'll lose them.

Nephew and niece know they have a space here whenever they need it, including to avoid 'family' holidays.

LlynTegid · 27/07/2025 07:40

I don't think he should go on the holiday. I could imagine him running away whilst there or just even going say to the hotel reception or local police station to get away from the man who is unkind at best to him. So a safety issue in a way.

Nothing suggests to me it is part of a wider attempt to be manipulative.

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 07:41

CaptainFuture · 27/07/2025 07:08

So the BF happy not to live with his child? Does he contribute to her mother, look after his daughter?

Yes. He's in demand and flat is owned outright as far as my friend knows. She's never visited it. BF has some 4am starts, so stays at his place so not to disturb the whole family. This has been the arrangement since the start.
BF pays for the girl completely. Friend & I are in her car at moment but she says she's got the approximate numbers at home

OP posts:
Strawberrri · 27/07/2025 07:42

Book him a separate room and tell him he can do his own thing

DoneitagainhaventI · 27/07/2025 07:43

For him to go to such extremes to avoid going on this holiday is really concerning. Or at least it SHOULD be really concerning to his mother.
He shouldn't be forced to go on the holiday. And his mother needs to listen to her son's unhappiness about his relationship with her boyfriend.

Ohthatsabitshit · 27/07/2025 07:46

She’s NEVER been to his flat? Why not?

PollyBell · 27/07/2025 07:50

So the mum is putting her bf above her children, i know it happens all the time doesn't make it right he should have the right to say no

goldfishbowl2025 · 27/07/2025 07:50

He has abused him, he bullies him. Poor boy. He shouldn’t have to go and spend 13 days with his bully.

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 07:54

LondonPapa · 27/07/2025 07:39

The solution is Mum’s BF, who has clearly abused him, is prevented from going on holiday with the boy. Let him stay behind as it’ll be safer.

As a ‘friend’ how can you write this all up, and not see the Mum’s BF is the issue?

Yes as a friend. This is not my nephew - I've only got a half-niece - and helping here as my friend 'K' is stressed and asked me too. She dreads conflict and quit FB a couple of times because of dramas that stress her. I'm just the conduit (I feel like her personal secretary at the moment with all this bloody typing I'm doing her behalf 😄). Her job requires minimal computer work but she still gets stressed doing just basic stuff on a keyboard. Luckily accommodations have been made for her & she likes her job.
As I said I've not met this guy. I've probably seen the lads Mum and his sisters at a party but they didn't particularly register with me.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 27/07/2025 07:56

The kid sounds like he has anxiety.
He should seek some counselling remedies.

I would encourage his mother to take him on a weekend away to a destination where he wants to go.

Leave him home from the holiday.

Roselilly36 · 27/07/2025 07:56

Of course he shouldn’t have to go, it is rather a fierce reaction though, I would be concerned about this as a Mum tbh.

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 07:57

Ohthatsabitshit · 27/07/2025 07:46

She’s NEVER been to his flat? Why not?

My friend - 'K' - has never been to his flat. The Mum has and has stayed there while K babysat etc.

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 27/07/2025 08:00

Well your friend needs to contact the mother, tell her where her son is and wait for the mother to decide what to do. She isn’t the parent here.

RubySquid · 27/07/2025 08:01

Jumpthewaves · 27/07/2025 07:00

If it really is just that he doesn't want to go because he'll be bored and hot then tough luck, he should be going. It's if there's something more that really needs checking.

Why though? What's the point of forcing somebody to go somewhere they dislike when there are other options.

Surely if nephew stays with Aunt hez happy and rest of family don't have to hear him moaning about heat/ boredom eyc

Ilovegoldies · 27/07/2025 08:02

Hopefully he's not being abused. It is completely normal for some teenagers to hate holidays. The last holiday I took my 15 year old on he packed his Xbox and didn't leave the apartment.
He never holidayed with us again.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 27/07/2025 08:05

Mum’s boyfriend is clearly the issue. Emotionally abusing him at the very least. Of course he doesn’t want to go on holiday with a man who takes the micky and puts him down. Why oh why do these women keep putting their new “partner” above their own child - I read about so many of them here. Poor kid.

Biskieboo · 27/07/2025 08:06

So it's a holiday to a place the teen doesn't want to go to, with a twat of a man he doesn't want to spend time with, he's liable to make things very difficult if he is forced to go, and there's somebody willing and able to let him stay with them if he doesn't go. This isn't exactly cracking the enigma code is it? The solution is the blindingly obvious one of letting him not go on the holiday, and it's only become a problem because your friend is insisting that he does go when it's clear that it's in nobody's interests for him to do so. Sure it's not a perfect solution but it's definitely the least bad one.

Mercurysinretrograde · 27/07/2025 08:07

It sounds like this situation has been made a bit more dramatic by nephew’s mother than it needs to be. 14 year old refusing to go on holiday? Well then he stays on auntie’s sofa. No big deal. You can’t force teenagers to go on a holiday and nephew’s mother needs to stop forcing happy families on everyone. Nephew is also being unreasonably dramatic and needs to calm down - hopefully the hysteria will abate when he’s told he doesn’t have to go.