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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gave cpr. Not heard anything from the victim. Is it ok to feel a little sad?

334 replies

Rizzlekicks123 · 26/07/2025 22:38

Never posted before but was hoping for either some moral support.

I gave cpr recently to a neighbour (who I don't know but who mutual friends do). I am not a medic and havent had formal training. Just online reading. The woman lived and is going to be ok (thank goodness). The thing that is upsetting me is that she hasn't reached out despite knowing how to find me. She owes me nothing and I'd do the same again if I was faced with it, but I feel so sad that the trauma I experienced has not been acknowledged. I dont want anything other than a "are you ok" It was so stressful. Aibu?

OP posts:
ohnotthisagain2025 · 27/07/2025 00:22

IZK · 27/07/2025 00:19

It's too late to send a card.

It's been 8 weeks, it may come across as though you're fishing for thanks.

Just leave her be now and think how lucky she was that even trained first aiders have a less than 1 in 10 success rate after they've given CPR, let alone someone who just looked it up online.

You should both be thankful it worked.

Show quote history

I mean, that's exactly what it would be. OP is clued in enough to know that she can't say that out loud, but not clued in enough to realise that it's pretty obvious what she wants from the person who almost died.

Caligirl80 · 27/07/2025 00:23

Rizzlekicks123 · 27/07/2025 00:18

Yeah...I probably wrote it badly. Thata not what I want. I guess I was just expecting some sort of contact from someone in their family. Probably unreasonably.

Show quote history

Yes - it is entirely unreasonable of you to expect contact from anyone in that situation. The point of giving help is to give the help. There should be zero expectation of anything in return. And your comments make it seem that you're more interested in getting thanks and someone checking if YOU are okay more than to find out if the woman you helped is alright. If you wanted to reach out to them to do that you could have done that already.

Seems like you need to do a bit of soul searching and get yourself some therapy to get your value system back on track. The only feedback you should have ever needed was the joy in knowing you helped someone. Full stop.

ohnotthisagain2025 · 27/07/2025 00:24

Rizzlekicks123 · 27/07/2025 00:18

Yeah...I probably wrote it badly. Thata not what I want. I guess I was just expecting some sort of contact from someone in their family. Probably unreasonably.

Show quote history

It's not unreasonable to daydream about a thank you (which is precisely what you do want). It is unreasonable to chase it up.

Attention seeking from the person who almost died could also be part of your own trauma response, and you should speak to a therapist about that.

WiganWoman · 27/07/2025 00:24

@XenoBitch bloody hell, you’re full of humanity, aren’t you? Why did you think it was a good idea to post such shitty things?

@Rizzlekicks123 it is totally understandable that you have suffered trauma because of having to perform cpr.
You must’ve been shaking like a leaf for days afterwards.
The person you gave cpr to will also be suffering a very large amount of trauma too.

That being said, a MASSIVE well done to you for stepping up as you did. When life shows you how fragile and shocking it can be, it takes a long time to accept.
Get some good people around you, and as other posters have said, give yourself some extra care too. There’s some good advice here from the majority of posters.
I wish you, and the person you helped, well.

Kirbert2 · 27/07/2025 00:28

Rizzlekicks123 · 27/07/2025 00:18

Yeah...I probably wrote it badly. Thata not what I want. I guess I was just expecting some sort of contact from someone in their family. Probably unreasonably.

Show quote history

Does the person know you gave them CPR? Does the family even know it was you?

Close family members who are more likely to know if anyone does know may also still be traumatised. 8 weeks after my son's cardiac arrest it was still incredibly raw and I was struggling with my own trauma.

Keeptoiletssafe · 27/07/2025 00:28

OP a regret I have is never saying thank you to someone who saved someone I love. By the time I was ready to, I saw they themselves had died.

They will be grateful to you, it just may be a while before you ever talk about it.

XenoBitch · 27/07/2025 00:28

WiganWoman · 27/07/2025 00:24

@XenoBitch bloody hell, you’re full of humanity, aren’t you? Why did you think it was a good idea to post such shitty things?

@Rizzlekicks123 it is totally understandable that you have suffered trauma because of having to perform cpr.
You must’ve been shaking like a leaf for days afterwards.
The person you gave cpr to will also be suffering a very large amount of trauma too.

That being said, a MASSIVE well done to you for stepping up as you did. When life shows you how fragile and shocking it can be, it takes a long time to accept.
Get some good people around you, and as other posters have said, give yourself some extra care too. There’s some good advice here from the majority of posters.
I wish you, and the person you helped, well.

How was I wrong? OP wants the lady she gave CPR to check she is ok. How is that ok? OP needs to seek support from someone else... not the person she helped.

I have seen a post on a local FB group where a lady was found in a distressed state on a bridge. Someone's son approached her, called 999 etc... Later on, his mum posted demanding the lady on the bridge get in touch to say how she was. Poor lass was probably sectioned!

You don't help someone for thanks, and you don't help someone and expect them to check you are ok afterwards. If someone needs CPR, they will have died otherwise, and would have not been aware of what was happening and who was doing it. Chances are, this lady is still poorly and suffering the after affects of it all. She does not owe OP a check in.

LipstickLessons · 27/07/2025 00:32

You did an amazing thing op. I wouldn't take her lack of contact personally there could be a whole host of reasons for that.

I nearly died a few months ago after a medical emergency. I was back home 2 days later but honestly I can't describe how traumatised I was and still am by it. I cope now by trying not to think about it. I'm so grateful for the Drs, nurses, surgeons, blood donors that saved my life but at the same time I try not to remember that day. If a lay person had done for me what you did for her I really don't think I could face seeking them out right now, it's hard enough dealing with my own emotions and my families emotions with regards to what happened, I don't think I could even contemplate taking on a strangers too.

JuicySmoochy · 27/07/2025 00:42

OP, hope that this thread has helped. You should ignore the snide nasty comments ( from the usual suspects!) but hopefully you find the other posts useful. It’s interesting to see even professionals can find CPR stressful. Maybe this thread will serve as your debrief. I think it would be ok to send a card.

JuicySmoochy · 27/07/2025 00:42

OP, hope that this thread has helped. You should ignore the snide nasty comments ( from the usual suspects!) but hopefully you find the other posts useful. It’s interesting to see even professionals can find CPR stressful. Maybe this thread will serve as your debrief. I think it would be ok to send a card.

JuicySmoochy · 27/07/2025 00:42

OP, hope that this thread has helped. You should ignore the snide nasty comments ( from the usual suspects!) but hopefully you find the other posts useful. It’s interesting to see even professionals can find CPR stressful. Maybe this thread will serve as your debrief. I think it would be ok to send a card.

JuicySmoochy · 27/07/2025 00:42

OP, hope that this thread has helped. You should ignore the snide nasty comments ( from the usual suspects!) but hopefully you find the other posts useful. It’s interesting to see even professionals can find CPR stressful. Maybe this thread will serve as your debrief. I think it would be ok to send a card.

JuicySmoochy · 27/07/2025 00:42

OP, hope that this thread has helped. You should ignore the snide nasty comments ( from the usual suspects!) but hopefully you find the other posts useful. It’s interesting to see even professionals can find CPR stressful. Maybe this thread will serve as your debrief. I think it would be ok to send a card.

MsAmerica · 27/07/2025 00:45

Well, we all liked to be thanked even for little things - and this is a big thing.

I'd like to imagine maybe she was embarrassed but might thank you soon. Years ago I found a wallet while I was away for the weekend, just about to take the train home, so left a telephone message to tell her not to worry, that I'd mail her the wallet. And I did. Silence. I was a little sad. Or miffed. Then a big box of chocolates arrived! Maybe your neighbor will do something similar, especially when the word gets out to your mutual acquaintances.

You can always guilt-trip her by sending her a little note just saying you hope she's okay.

XenoBitch · 27/07/2025 00:48

MsAmerica · 27/07/2025 00:45

Well, we all liked to be thanked even for little things - and this is a big thing.

I'd like to imagine maybe she was embarrassed but might thank you soon. Years ago I found a wallet while I was away for the weekend, just about to take the train home, so left a telephone message to tell her not to worry, that I'd mail her the wallet. And I did. Silence. I was a little sad. Or miffed. Then a big box of chocolates arrived! Maybe your neighbor will do something similar, especially when the word gets out to your mutual acquaintances.

You can always guilt-trip her by sending her a little note just saying you hope she's okay.

Guilt trip her? The lady nearly died. She most likely does not even know who was doing CPR on her, given that she was out of it at the time.

IZK · 27/07/2025 00:50

MsAmerica · 27/07/2025 00:45

Well, we all liked to be thanked even for little things - and this is a big thing.

I'd like to imagine maybe she was embarrassed but might thank you soon. Years ago I found a wallet while I was away for the weekend, just about to take the train home, so left a telephone message to tell her not to worry, that I'd mail her the wallet. And I did. Silence. I was a little sad. Or miffed. Then a big box of chocolates arrived! Maybe your neighbor will do something similar, especially when the word gets out to your mutual acquaintances.

You can always guilt-trip her by sending her a little note just saying you hope she's okay.

You can always guilt-trip her by sending her a little note just saying you hope she's okay.

What the actual fuck have I just read?

You're suggesting the OP guilt trips a stranger who had the traumatic experience of her heart stopping, having to be resuscitated and then taken to hospital because she basically collapsed and almost died?

Jesus that's low.

Bluetrousers · 27/07/2025 00:51

I fully under Where you are coming from I once had the call the police on a friend being attacked she text me to ring the police to a adress where her and her children where violently attacked. This happened the night before my daughters birthday (a year ago tomorrow lol) and unfortunately he smashed her phone her sister then took her home and rightfully so they all spent the next few days with police social services and getting support.

I remember feeling really upset and confused that I had to spend days not knowing at first if my best friend at the time would live or die and also no one checked I was okay. I remember looking at the balloons and banners to my daughters stuff and sobbing because I didn’t put them up as I was too scared to celebrate and almost feeling so much anger towards the situation. If this helps I think you learn to understand we are all humans and they were busy healing and resting. I’ve since stepped away from friend not due to this but she was very selfish and I do think one message off her sisters phone to say hey I’m home now be a busy few days would have been kind as I spent 2 hours crying to the police: but it’s also her truma and I wasn’t getting attacked and I didn’t go through that and we are all just reacting to different triggers to our own cells. In about 2 months time you won’t care that she didn’t reach out I promise! It’s just part of the traumas that make parts of each and everyone of us I guess. Hope you are doing okay x

IZK · 27/07/2025 00:51

And unless the OP got it very wrong, the poor woman's going to have no memory of someone pumping away at her chest while she lies there unconscious.

ToeSucker · 27/07/2025 00:55

I had the exact same situation 10 years ago. Neighbour, didn't know them but had mutual connections, knew it was me that did CPR.

I found it somewhat traumatising.
I kind of thought they might reach out, I guess because you see so many things like this in newspapers. They never did.
I never thought they owed me that though.

Sorry it has affected you. It is your trauma to manage now though and they definitely have their own to deal with now.

XenoBitch · 27/07/2025 00:55

IZK · 27/07/2025 00:51

And unless the OP got it very wrong, the poor woman's going to have no memory of someone pumping away at her chest while she lies there unconscious.

Exactly.

Maybe in a few weeks/months/years, the lady will post on social media and express thanks... maybe even want to meet the person who saved her.

But for the person who helped her to expect it now... just no.

Francestein · 27/07/2025 00:59

I am a first responder. I know it’s traumatic for you. It’s more traumatic for her. She may not have been told exactly who did cpr on her. She may be mortified to have put you in this position. (Some people worry about fluids afterwards.) Don’t send the note as mentioned above. She may be worried that you feel she owes you something. That’s really intrusive. Let her be. If you run into her naturally, of course ask how she’s going and let her know that you’re just glad she’s okay.

LifesTooShortForBadSex · 27/07/2025 01:02

lifeturnsonadime · 26/07/2025 23:36

This is really complex, a few years ago my husband 'died' on a field in the middle of nowhere when we were doing dog training. He lived because there was a theatre trained nurse there who performed CPR and also was able to give air ambulance accurate information which helped them save him.

The whole experience was traumatic. We haven't ever reached out, other than by text message, to the people involved although we could because feelings around this are complex.

OP if this experience is causing you trauma I think you need to work on your own response to that which doesn't involve validation from the other person.

You know you did great and actually that should be enough.

I'm very glad your husband is ok & that that nurse was there to help him.

I don't understand why thanking her for her actions is complex? I've thankfully never been through anything like this so I'm genuinely interested in what's inhibiting this?

OP i think you did an amazing thing & I think in your shoes I'd probably feel the same.

Frozensun · 27/07/2025 01:21

As a non-medical who has assisted at an accident, I believe that you do this without any expectation of return (hopefully if I ever needed help, someone would help me). There is a reasonable likelihood that the person has amnesia around the incident, and possibly ongoing cognitive impact. Her trauma would be massive. She is in the very early stages of recovery. Whatever has happened is life changing. If you’re dealing with some trauma yourself, I really think you need to reach out to someone else to work through it, not the patient.

C10000 · 27/07/2025 01:29

MsAmerica · 27/07/2025 00:45

Well, we all liked to be thanked even for little things - and this is a big thing.

I'd like to imagine maybe she was embarrassed but might thank you soon. Years ago I found a wallet while I was away for the weekend, just about to take the train home, so left a telephone message to tell her not to worry, that I'd mail her the wallet. And I did. Silence. I was a little sad. Or miffed. Then a big box of chocolates arrived! Maybe your neighbor will do something similar, especially when the word gets out to your mutual acquaintances.

You can always guilt-trip her by sending her a little note just saying you hope she's okay.

Guilt trip her??

Oh behave

Velmy · 27/07/2025 01:32

It's a very traumatic experience for all involved. My partner had to do it a few years back to someone who collapsed while training with him. 15 minutes until the ambulance arrived and took over.

He's a big guy and she was anything but...he could feel and hear her ribs cracking. It really bothered him for some time afterwards and he was very close to getting therapy for it.

Thankfully the woman survived. He sent messages and we sent her some flowers but never got a response. Her husband eventually reached out to thank him; she had been left quite mentally unwell by the whole ordeal and was struggling to acknowledge it.

It took her quite a while to recover physically, and she was riddled with anxiety for some time after that. She did get in touch eventually though and we all met up.

She said she'd been struggling to talk to anyone about what happened. Maybe that's the situation with your neighbor?

Time is a great healer though.