Gave cpr. Not heard anything from the victim. Is it ok to feel a little sad?

[Rizzlekicks123]

Never posted before but was hoping for either some moral support.

I gave cpr recently to a neighbour (who I don't know but who mutual friends do). I am not a medic and havent had formal training. Just online reading. The woman lived and is going to be ok (thank goodness). The thing that is upsetting me is that she hasn't reached out despite knowing how to find me. She owes me nothing and I'd do the same again if I was faced with it, but I feel so sad that the trauma I experienced has not been acknowledged. I dont want anything other than a "are you ok" It was so stressful. Aibu?

Yabvu I don't think person who nearly died owes you to acknowledge your trauma from saving their life. I think the knowledge that you saved a life should be enough and if you need support you need to be reaching out to your friends, your family or a professional for that not the lady who is pretty shaken up from nearly dying.

OP , it is a traumatic situation all round .
I have to do BLS every year as part of my work and one thing they are very insistent on is telling us that CPR often does not have a good outcome . It's not like on the telly .

So for your CPR to have a positive outcome is brilliant. More often a First Aider will have the remorse of "did I do the right thing "?

Would you consider doing a course in Basic First Aid , it is a worthwhile skill.

( I called 999 for a patient , he was on the floor I could see him through the letterbox . He was taken to A&E . Don't know the outcome either . I wasn't expecting a Thank You card ! Maybe he had no relatives but I honestly don;t think he knew what was going on )

Just wanted to chip in and say I hear you when you say it is traumatic. I’m a paramedic and I’ve done CPR more times than I care to remember, including on a friend’s dad. I didn’t realise it was her dad until friend walked into the room just as I was shoving a tube down his throat. The “is my dad going to die” phrase still haunts me. He lived, and friend said he was v thankful but couldn’t consider a message/ to meet me as she was traumatised from what happened to him. I understood completely and sent my best wishes via her for a speedy recovery. Knowing he is alive and well again is more than enough.

We do sometimes get patients ask to meet us after, but weirdly all mine have been from what I’d describe as pretty non descript, day to day jobs (to us). I don’t feel the need for thanks in all honesty, it’s my job and to know I’ve helped is enough. You generally are the faceless person at the start of a v long chain of hospital staff for that patient.

The focus for you here needs to be on you and how you are feeling after doing that CPR. It is something you don’t get chance to think about, you just have to act. This often means your feelings are brushed aside and come out later. Without a doubt, one of the calls that haunts me most is one we just happened upon whilst taking a different patient to hospital. No time to mentally prepare at all. Reach out to friends and family. We usually do a “hot debrief” after more traumatic calls, run through the job step by step; what went well and how we could improve for next time etc. This defo allows for processing to take place. I honestly wouldn’t be expecting someone in the early days/wks/months of survival post arrest to be considering you, as odd as that may sound.

Good job though. Only 5-8% of out of hospital cardiac arrest patients survive. If you hadn’t have done what you did, I have no doubt the patient wouldn’t have survived to discharge. Try and come to peace with it and know that you’ll be well equipped should you ever be unfortunate enough to need to do this again :)

Virtue is its own reward, OP.

This 💯

British heart foundation has some advice on their website https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/support/support-if-youve-given-cpr

They also have online training for anyone that's interested in knowing how to person cpr.

The neighbour is dealing with a near-death experience.

Plus I think people need to be realistic about how complex feelings can be towards the person who saved you. There can be embarrassment and fear as well as gratitude. This person is coming to terms with narrowly escaping death because of the OP’s intervention, at least in part, though CPR is successful in a relatively small number of cases. That’s a lot.

It’s absolutely understandable the OP is profoundly shaken, but she needs not to have unfair expectations of the only person involved to be more shaken than she is, and who is also making a physical recovery.

I get how you are feeling as I gave someone CPR a couple of years ago and felt very affected by what had happened for a long time. It was very unexpected - someone collapsed jogging in the middle of nowhere and the ambulance took about 20minutes to arrive. The CRP process was brutal but luckily the defibrillator was successful and I heard eventually that he had survived with no brain damage.
I also wanted him to reach out for quite a while, but really I think what I needed was to talk about something major that we had both been part of so I could process it. I found the weirdest part was after the ambulance took him I drove home and just got on with the Sunday lunch as if nothing had happened.
He never did get in touch but the feelings did fade in time.
in some countries there is a national service that helps people who have done something like this to process the event as they recognise it as a contribution to society.
I hope you find some closure.

@Rizzlekicks123
I used to work for the British Heart Foundation. I believe if you contact their helpline they can put you in touch with someone who you can debrief with and help you through the shock you experienced.

Thank you for helping your neighbour.

You want an "are you ok?" from the person you gave CPR to? I do think that's unreasonable given what they have been through. They very nearly lost their life.

What you did was amazing but I'm sure it's also difficult for you to process. Do you have a support network who are checking in on how you're doing? I agree that you need support too but that shouldn't come from the person you helped.

This is really complex, a few years ago my husband 'died' on a field in the middle of nowhere when we were doing dog training. He lived because there was a theatre trained nurse there who performed CPR and also was able to give air ambulance accurate information which helped them save him.

The whole experience was traumatic. We haven't ever reached out, other than by text message, to the people involved although we could because feelings around this are complex.

OP if this experience is causing you trauma I think you need to work on your own response to that which doesn't involve validation from the other person.

You know you did great and actually that should be enough.

The Sudden Cardiac Arrest Uk website and facebook group has information and support for those who have lived through a cardiac arrest but also for those who were witness to the event or gave cpr. My husband says I was more traumatised than he was by it- he can remember nothing so perhaps it’s not suprising that the person you saved has not reached out to you.

I imagine she’s coming to terms with her near death experience too OP. You’re amazing though.

Thanks so much for commenting. I get both sides. Not looking for praise or to make it about me at all. Honestly, the last thing I want. It was 8 weeks ago and she is getting out and about. Totally understand that they are way more traumatised than me. Of course! Perhaps I should make contact....but then didn't want to make it all about me, so haven't. Anyway thankyou all.

Fucking hell OP, you saved someone’s life! You’re a bloody hero. My friend had a similar situation recently and it really shook her up. From what I understand, it’s pretty brutal if you’re doing it properly. She didn’t sleep properly for weeks.

YANBU to feel sad that you’ve not heard from the person. The two of you went through something very traumatic together. It may be that they never want to reach out, possibly because of their trauma relating to the event. Please don’t take it personally, I’m sure they are extremely grateful.

I wouldn’t expect the victim to reach out to their rescuer to check they are okay. I understand it was traumatic for you, but it must have been far more traumatic for your neighbour who presumably nearly died. I don’t think it’s her place to check on you, she will be working through her own trauma. If you need support following the trauma you need to reach out to somebody else or seek counselling, you can’t expect the victim to be the one to seek you out to acknowledge or support you through your trauma. In this situation her trauma trumps yours and it’s completely understandable that she’s not thinking about you when she’s recovering from almost dying!

Well done op, you did an incredible thing and contributed to this person still being alive today. Depending on her condition she may not be up for reaching out just yet and may never do so.
I once had to do back slaps for a child in my class on the playground because she swallowed a coin. I’ll never forget having to do it, going against all the other training I had working at the school to never touch a child (obviously first aid and life saving generally requires this!). I was terrified myself, had only ever practiced how to do it on a dummy and never in person but the child was struggling to breathe, had turned white as a sheet (she was Indian, never seen a complexion drain from someone quicker). Burst into action and once the coin pinged out and the child was breathing normally again I called the parents - all I actually got down the phone was an ear bashing that she shouldn’t have put money in her mouth and where did she get the coin from etc etc. the amount of paperwork I had to fill in… honestly! No thanks given.
Obviously I didn’t do it to get thanks, when someone is dying in front of your eyes you do what you think you can to help, thanks is not on your mind. But I didn’t think I’d get an ear bashing!

OP, I hope you have people in your life who tell you that you did great work and saved a life. It's crucial to have people around who genuinely care and know how to say exactly what you need to hear when it matters most.

OP, don't let the criticism here bring you down. On Mumsnet, nothing seems to bring people more joy than spreading negativity.

Well if someone gave me CPR and I survived, the first thing I’d do (when I was able to) would be to thank the person who saved my life. Anyone who doesn’t think to do that simple act is extremely selfish in my opinion.

OP is there a chance she doesn’t know it was you?

I think I would be thinking about you a lot. So it is a bit weird, but everyone’s different. I still think about the people that sheltered me when I gave birth unexpectedly outside. She won’t have forgotten you.

It blows my mind that she is out and about, and hasn’t thought to herself “hang on, I would be dead if it wasn’t for Rizzlekicks123, perhaps I should thank her.” It doesn’t matter how traumatised she is. She’d be worm food now if it wasn’t for you. If ever there’s a time to reach out and thank someone, it’s when they’ve saved your life!

I had someone contact me two years later after giving them CPR. It’s a very traumatic thing for them too and will take time to process. They may never contact you but it doesn’t mean that they don’t think of you. Get some support or therapy. It’s okay to feel like you want to talk about it, but you can’t place that need at the feet of someone who almost died.

I do get it, I did successful CPR on someone who collapsed, he had a ROSC about 2 minutes after the ambulance crew arrived. I still think of him and hope he’s ok

the last guy I helped a few months ago I climbed in his windscreen to get to him and have been looking out for an update as it was such a nasty crash. I kept hearing the bang in my head for weeks after

Your neighbour was probably taken to Intensive Care and kept unconscious on some very heavy-duty drugs. Coming round from those can be incredibly traumatic - some people hallucinate and think they are being attacked. People tend to block and whole experience out in their memories and/or to be seriously traumatised, so that if your neighbour was told you did CPR, she may not even remember being told.

Congratulations, what you did was a wonderful thing. I remember reading somewhere that only around 10% of resuscitation attempts outside hospitals actually succeed, and you were a major part of that miracle.

Have you checked on her since she has been home? I think if I had done CPR on a neighbor and I knew they were now home I’d go round to make sure they were ok and if they needed anything whilst recovering.