Girlfriend mum drinks 9/11 bottles a wine a week

[Zodiac82]

My girlfriend mum will drink easily between 9/11 bottles of wine a week and despite my girlfriend talking to her, she don't feel it is a issue.

The dad also drinks heavily, around 6/8 cans nightly. Both work full time, she works as a nurse.

My girlfriend made a diary of how much she drank at home in June and it was 47 bottles.

Now am I wrong in thinking that this is a insane amount of wine to be drinking on a weekly basis? I don't drink at all myself but having 1/2 bottles bottles each night seems crazy to me.

I mean yeah. If she ever makes a mistake as a nurse and they test her for booze she will most likely test positive even the day after drinking. That could be a major issue. I hope neither of them drive because they’re almost certainly above the limit most of the time. 2 bottles of wine is 20 units which would mean if she started drinking at 6pm she wouldn’t be sober again until 2pm the next day.

Recommended amount is 14 units or less a weeks 9 bottles is 90 units. She is off the charts on the scale for hazardous drinking.

Why is she focussing on her Mum rather than both?

Admittedly if he is drinking cans of 8 Stella (say) his weekly unit total is less, and he is male, but is he also driving? Operating heavy machinery etc?

Her father is also drinking too much.

It is beyond my comprehension, how people can function while drinking so much.

I feel sorry for their children. These people cannot be good parents.

I had a serious alcohol problem some years ago. And I mean serious, but at my worst it was only ever 8 bottles in a week (and yes I do know that sounds daft). For me it was two reasons; self-medicating depression & other mental health issues and having grown up around an alcoholic father & the very ‘70s/‘80s tradition of ‘a couple of drinks in the pub after work’.

What stopped me was my DD &DH. DD wouldn’t spend time with me. DH didn’t want me driving her anywhere. So I stopped drinking and got help. I have managed to have a sensible relationship with alcohol now - I’ll have wine on a Friday and Saturday, but not every weekend.

Unfortunately, it was a decision I had to make alone. I kept saying that I didn’t have a problem, I was a social drinker, and never drank before 6pm. Until they kept the bottles back from the weekly recycling and laid them out for me. It was a shock. Then every time I wanted to buy wine I put the money in a box instead and that really showed me how much it was costing.

all this is to say - your DGF’s mum will need to make the choice herself. If she’s drink driving though, you need to report her. She is a danger to others as well as herself - and 1 - 2 bottles a night means she really is a danger on the wards, too.

You and DGF can go to Al-Anon, the support group for families of alcoholics, and they can advise on ways to get through as well.

YANBU aside from the excessive the is drinking both parents are at high risk of developing alcohol related brain damage, this can occur with drinking just 35 units a week regularly over 5 years. As a nurse she should be aware of these risks which makes no sense, but I expect she’s in denial that it she will affected.

Bloody hell, what type of a nurse is she? She is putting herself and others at risk. Report her to the police for driving under the influence because she most certainly is if she is drinking that amount of booze. Also report her to her employer before she does something that could cause significant harm. She needs help before it’s too late!

Strange take. This is someone's mum. Being worried isn't preaching.

You and your girlfriend are right to be concerned, this is a dangerous level of drinking from a health perspective and from a safe guarding perspective. Maybe she needs reporting at work or to the Nursing Council she is a danger to herself and to others.

And absolutely needs reporting to the NMC as I suspect she’s under the influence whilst at work!

So, they're alcoholics?

Up to them, I suppose. All you can do is be blunt and tell them your concern (be prepared for them being very hostile). In the likely event that they don't want to change, you'll have to decide what that means for your relationship with them. I certainly wouldn't get getting in a car where they're driving, for example. Wouldn't be letting them be alone with any current or future children you have, either.

My mother's been drinking this much at least for over 20 years, perhaps longer. Mid 80s now, still drinking and going strong. Some people can just drink more. She's not motivated to do much, but she isn't ill at all.

This.
The best thing you can do is offer to go with your gf to an al-anon meeting.

@Zodiac82 - what an awful situation.

There’s no point reporting to her employer or the Nursing and Midwifery Council - they cannot do anything without proof - saying someone is drinking too much means nothing - she needs to be “caught” with proof (ie blood alcohol levels over the legal limit fir driving) - being hungover at work is not grounds for dismissal. Being actively drunk at work would be and I suspect her colleagues will know she has a problem with alcohol but proving it when someone is still able to function is another matter.

Im a nurse and once worked with a surgeon who drank at work. Never had a mistake in surgery, his morbidity and mortality stats were fine - everyone knew but nothing could be proved as your employer cannot force you to give a blood sample/take a breathalyser unless it’s written into your conditions of employment and it’s not for big standard health care jobs. Different if it’s the police stopping you on suspicion of driving under the influence.

Your GF has two options - anonymous police tip off or go no/low contact with her mum. I know everyone says to report to police but that could be so hard to do for your GF- it’s still her mum. GF should also seriously consider al-anon and reading about adult children of alcoholics (ACOA).

good luck - your GF is lucky to have you supporting her 💐

You can tell the police when and where the Mother is drink driving. When they can they will pull her over.

otherwise I think your girlfriend needs to seek out alanon - for the families of alcoholics. She will have been affected.

Health care workers have some of the highest rates of alcohol and substance misuse due to the enormous strain they work under, the emotional trauma they witness regularly, gruelling shift patterns, and very little in the way of support. They’re even more reluctant than most people to seek help for fear of losing not only their job but their professional registration and entire livelihood. It’s heartbreaking, really.

Your girlfriend can certainly make her concerns known and tell her mum she thinks she needs help, but she won’t accept any help until she admits to herself that she has a serious problem. For a lot of people it takes hitting ‘rock bottom’ or having some kind of wake up call for that to happen though. All your GF can do is set boundaries around what she is willing to be around and protect her own well-being until such time her mum wants help with her drinking.

It’s heartbreaking watching someone you love drink themselves to death. But the sad truth is that you can’t stop them. All she can do is tell them she’s worried, but they’re obviously addicted so it likely won’t be enough. Very sad.

Trying to make someone else live by your values is unacceptable.

Reading along with interest as I am in a similar situation. You have my sympathies OP xx

You will never change this persons behaviour until they are ready. You can highlight what they are drinking but they will just hide it from you in future. There are support groups out there for family members of alcoholics. And sadly at that drinking level this is what these people will be classified as. But they will never see it as they are ‘functioning’ and ‘have always done this’.

Personally I would but a few ‘quit lit’ books and leave them around. There are also online groups. I would then get support for your girlfriend to cope with this situation.
Good luck

Having two alcohol-dependent parents must be hell. She's focusing on her mum, that's OK. Why question that FFS?

If someone is drinking that much every day then all they're doing is veering between "a bit pissed and hungover" to "completely wankered" every day. They're not spending any time properly sober. That level of alcohol consumption is cumulative and they're always at least a bit drunk. That level of drunkenness tends to bring with it a typical kind of pisshead chaos as they lurch from one alcohol-fuelled drama to the next.

The bugger of it is that there's nothing you can practically do about it. You can't lock them in a room to dry out against their will. Sure, you or I can look at their lives and see how much better they'd be if they stopped drowning themselves in alcohol but the crucial fact of the matter is that they don't have to agree with you. You have no moral or legal right to insist that they spend their lives the way you think they should. If they want to live out their days in a continual alcoholic haze then that's their right.

Instead, all you can do is try to minimise the damage to others. If that means contacting their manager to raise the risks of their alcohol intake on what they do for a living, or telling the police that they're piss-artists and drive while over the limit, then that's what should be done.

Agreed 👍

I know this is really not the point but when you say you drink more than you should, how much do you drink? I drink more than I should, which comes in at around 3 bottles of wine per week. Or 4. Okay, 4.

Perhaps she wants to shock her mother into realising how bad her problem is?

It's easy to be in denial until someone hands you the proof.

There’s every point in reporting concerns to the employer and who knows they might be able to help / offer advice or signpost to someone who can. Serious incidents can be prevented/ reduced when people speak up. Risk of serious harm increases when people don’t speak about their concerns.

https://www.nmc.org.uk/concerns-nurses-midwives/raise-a-concern/

https://nursesdefenceservice.com/alcohol-misuse-and-nursing/