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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad about wedding

233 replies

Anonymous2029 · 25/07/2025 20:12

I’m getting married next week, a registry office. My partner lost his wife 6 years

We have to get married for various legal reasons. I adore my partner and I want to be his wife but I’m feeling so sad about the day (or rather the 10 minute ceremony)

i just feel so sad that his first wife isn’t here and she’s not getting to raise her child. We are having the simplest of vows, no rings. I don’t have a dress, not even a normal dress - I don’t really know what to wear, I was planning on jeans and tshirt.

Our parents are coming because we need witnesses but that’s all.

Ive not planned any music or anything. Everytime I think about the day I just feel overwhelmingly sad and want to just get it over with.

Will I regret it being so sad and simple? I just can’t shake the feeling and get excited

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 25/07/2025 20:13

The wedding isn't the big thing - the marriage is.

DestituteDesperate · 25/07/2025 20:15

Some people are so fixated on the wedding they forget it’s the marriage that’s the important part.

I think you sound so lovely - your sadness at your soon to be husband’s wife not being alive to raise her children.

She would be content knowing her child would be around and raised by a wonderful woman such as yourself.

Good luck and god bless.

PinkyFlamingo · 25/07/2025 20:18

I'm not sure why you can't pick a nice dress, entirely up to you but it's sad you are feeling sad. Yes the marriage is important but it's still your wedding day.

CopperWhite · 25/07/2025 20:19

Are you really sad that his first wife isn’t here? It’s sad that she isn’t getting to raise her child but it’s wonderful that the family has you to love them now.

It’s ok for you to feel sad that you aren’t having your ideal wedding but if you’re feeling sad about something more than that you might want to consider if you’re doing the right thing.

mamagogo1 · 25/07/2025 20:20

@Arlanymor

is right, the promises you make to each other matter, the marriage matters - weddings are not actually the important bit. But could you buy a new dress (not a wedding dress, a pretty new dress that you can wear again perhaps) could you book a table at a restaurant you wouldn’t normally stretch to? My first wedding has two witnesses, but I did buy a new skirt and top, and we went to a restaurant that was twice the price of what we typically would pay up to, and bought a bottle of sparking wine too, the lovely restaurant realising it was our wedding day waived the cost of it, being on a shoestring we were very grateful

CaptainFuture · 25/07/2025 20:21

Does it need to be sad and simple?

mamagogo1 · 25/07/2025 20:21

And the child is so lucky to have an amazing stepmum, one that recognises the loss and understands that you can’t replace her

Original poster
Anonymous2029 · 25/07/2025 20:22

CopperWhite · 25/07/2025 20:19

Are you really sad that his first wife isn’t here? It’s sad that she isn’t getting to raise her child but it’s wonderful that the family has you to love them now.

It’s ok for you to feel sad that you aren’t having your ideal wedding but if you’re feeling sad about something more than that you might want to consider if you’re doing the right thing.

I have no worries at all about getting married, no doubts or anything. I’m very very happy but yes I feel sad that they didn’t get to spend their lives together and I feel like this isn’t a ‘proper’ wedding because he’s already done that

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 25/07/2025 20:23

It is sad he lost his wife and his child lost her.

But you wouldnt have a DP if she was still here.

He can love you both, 2 things can be true at once. And this wedding is about you and him.

It more important its a good marriage not a good wedding but I do think its reasonable to want to have a nice day together and celebrate your union. It doesnt take away from what went before

CryptoFascist · 25/07/2025 20:25

Why don't you feel like you can celebrate your wedding? Why can't you invite friends and have a pretty outfit?
It really comes across like you're apologising for getting married.
What would your DP say if you said actually you'd like to arrange a proper celebration and invite friends and family?

Doitrightnow · 25/07/2025 20:33

This is sad to read. Of course it's a proper wedding. How does your fiance feel about the wedding day, is such a low key event what he wants? It's OK to celebrate finding each other.

TankFlyBossWalkJamNittiGritti · 25/07/2025 20:35

Why wouldn't you invite your family and friends and make it joyful for you?

Mandarinaduck · 25/07/2025 20:37

yes I think you might regret it. It should be a happy occasion. It's sad that you don't feel you can celebrate it fully. How does your partner feel about it? I think you'd do well to process your feelings around it. Perhaps think about a post-wedding celebration later on.

Rickrolypoly · 25/07/2025 20:39

What is stopping you from buying a dress and celebrating a bit?

alcoholnightmare · 25/07/2025 20:39

My wedding was exactly like yours - I was 7 months pregnant, and there was no proposal.
I got married in my black maternity jeans and a white top, and my favourite old sandals.
my husband surprised me with a bouquet from local florist.
no photographer, no music, no make up done, no hair done - this was admittedly my choice. My husband would have done what I wanted.
after the ceremony, we went to the IVY for lunch and then I swapped into my converse for a weekend away with the dog.
I can understand how you feel, but please try not to be so down about it. It will be lovely as you’re making a special commitment and it’s the marriage that matters

Butchyrestingface · 25/07/2025 20:41

The way you describe it sounds more like a wake than a wedding. Are you sure that isn't what is making you sad?

Who made the decisions about no dress, no ring, no music, no friends?

Newgirls · 25/07/2025 20:42

Ok this sounds like you are really down about this. What do YOU want Op? What would make it lovely for YOU?

you deserve to be celebrated and your fiancé should want that too.

go and buy a dress! Sales are on. Book a hairdresser. Be your best self for yourself x

RedSeven · 25/07/2025 20:45

DestituteDesperate · 25/07/2025 20:15

Some people are so fixated on the wedding they forget it’s the marriage that’s the important part.

I think you sound so lovely - your sadness at your soon to be husband’s wife not being alive to raise her children.

She would be content knowing her child would be around and raised by a wonderful woman such as yourself.

Good luck and god bless.

This is such a lovely reply to this thread and I completely agree with everything you've said.

Good luck OP, just do what makes you happy x

wheresmyshoe · 25/07/2025 20:45

Ok, hold on a moment, would you like more of thing with a lovely dress and flowers? Marriage is obviously about far more than the wedding day but if you want a lovely wedding day then you should be able to enjoy it. It doesn’t have to be minimal and transactional because he has done it before.

PussInBin20 · 25/07/2025 20:45

Gosh this is strange. Even a simple ceremony can be joyous and celebratory. It sounds pretty miserable tbh.

deeahgwitch · 25/07/2025 20:46

You sound very empathetic @Anonymous2029, thinking of your partner’s first wife, how lovely.
But I do think you should get a nice dress and shoes. They don’t need to be expensive and you will feel better about the day and help make it special for everyone present.
It is your day. It is how you make it.

TheCosyViewer · 25/07/2025 20:46

It is a proper wedding, of course it is. Go out and buy yourself a fabulous outfit, get your hair done, etc. Make it special. Why no wedding rings - your DP may have been married before, but not to you. You deserve to have a special day.

Iwontlethtesungodownonme · 25/07/2025 20:47

We had a registry office wedding last year. Just one song and six guests. Been together a long time time so didn’t want a big fuss. It was lovely and unexpectedly emotional.
If you want to do this then give yourself permission to do it the way you want.
I had a dress I loved, a phase eight one, and a small bouquet. Was perfect for me.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 25/07/2025 20:48

I think that whilst the important part is the marriage there is nothing wrong with making it a special day.
Go get yourself a lovely dress/outfit, order some flowers and invite friends and family. You could do low key drinks and food after.

Steelworks · 25/07/2025 20:50

Please, please don’t do this to yourself. This is YOUR wedding day. It’s a special occasion. You want to remember it as a happy occasion, not an ordeal.

Don’t live your life in the shadow of his late wife. It’s not a way to live. You’re not second best. Accept that life happens and move on.