Sad about wedding

[Anonymous2029]

I’m getting married next week, a registry office. My partner lost his wife 6 years

We have to get married for various legal reasons. I adore my partner and I want to be his wife but I’m feeling so sad about the day (or rather the 10 minute ceremony)

i just feel so sad that his first wife isn’t here and she’s not getting to raise her child. We are having the simplest of vows, no rings. I don’t have a dress, not even a normal dress - I don’t really know what to wear, I was planning on jeans and tshirt.

Our parents are coming because we need witnesses but that’s all.

Ive not planned any music or anything. Everytime I think about the day I just feel overwhelmingly sad and want to just get it over with.

Will I regret it being so sad and simple? I just can’t shake the feeling and get excited

Yes, as @FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren says, give yourself permission to enjoy it.

At the risk of sounding insensitive, it seems that your finances needs are being put very much ahead of your own. It is heartbreaking he lost his first wife, however you don’t deserve to beat yourself with that stick every day because of it. It is your wedding too and you deserve to take up space And not make yourself and your needs small because of it

We got married last year in a very similar registry office ceremony, both been married before. I bought a simple dress & shoes, he wore the suit he'd bought the year before. We got buttonholes from Etsy. Our 2 witnesses couldn't make it in the end as we'd had a few inches of snow & they live in the hills so we ended up ringing around the neighbours to see who was free.
It was the most wonderful, memorable day, I was really emotional much to my surprise.
Like others have said, it's the marriage that counts but please have the wedding you want so you can look back on it happily like I do.

You know you don’t have to make this as miserable as possible? You don’t owe penance because of his first wife’s passing?

a dress and some flowers? Tea and cake at home after? This is YOUR day. Please have a little reflect and do the little things, because you really do sound like a lovely person and you deserve nice touches for your day

Having a big fancy wedding doesn't make people more in love with each other though.

Look at the amount of people who spend £20,000 plus on a wedding then get divorced.

Wear a nice dress if you want to, it's your wedding day to do as you wish.

congratulations in advance

Why is it such a sad affair?

Your wedding to your fiancé is really important. And you should celebrate properly. Go and buy a dress you feel beautiful in. Your future husband surely loves you deeply? You should have photos taken - even if your parents take them.
And a celebration afterwards.
The wedding is the start of your life together as man and wife.
You also get the amazing privilege of helping to bring up his children.
Could this be a version of pre wedding jitters?

You're not second best here or a consolation prize.

He's chosen you to be his wife and you're as important to him as she was and if you aren't, then is it you or him that isn't giving you enough credit and love?

Be kinder to yourself.

This
Worrying that the occasion is clouded by your sadness

Your parents are going as witnesses, so why not dress up and go for a nice meal afterwards?

Sounds like your stepchilf is not going to be there - why not?

I think you can keep it small, if that's what you really want, but it should still be a celebration. Does your fiancee know that you're so happy and excited to marry him, or does he think it's just for legal reasons?

Your husband has grieved his wife, I don't think you should be grieving her on your wedding day.

How old is your DSC? Do you not think that it might be nice for them if you celebrated joining their family, while acknowledging their mother's memory? You are not taking her place.

Tbh I think you need to separate the two things - your wedding day should be about you and your family, whereas separately your partner can acknowledge and mourn his first wife and his child's mother.

Could you have the legal part and plan a separate big celebration where you can dress up and have all of your favourite people come together to celebrate with you? A lot of people do that anyway if they get married abroad for example or have a private ceremony

So long as your soon to be husband isn't doing or saying anything to make you feel 'second best' then I think you should allow yourself to feel happiness. If I were to die when my children were young,I would be so comforted to know that someone as lovely as you are there for them, that is what being mother is. It is very sad she died , but you deserve happiness. My friend died young and I felt so sad that that she didn't see her children growing up, so I understand a little.

Do you want to have a bigger day? You could do that if you wanted. Just because he’s been married before doesn’t mean you can’t. It is so sad that his first wife died, but it doesn’t mean you can’t have a happy and joyful day. But it depends what you and your partner want.

I don't think his late wife has anything at all to do with your wedding day. Your soon to be husband should be feeling incredibly lucky to have met you, and have a second chance at love. And even if you choose to have a simple wedding, it should still be joyful and celebratory. You aren't some kind of inferior placeholder! Do you feel this way? Or has your fiancé said or implied that he's had a 'proper' wedding and just wants to do some sort of perfunctory service and then it's done? I just feel a bit uneasy for you.

Do you want a nice dress? If so then buy a dress you like.

Why didn’t you just do a civil partnership? Then you’d just sign something and be done without feeling like it’s some half-hearted wedding. .

He may have been married before but he's never married YOU before. It's okay for you both to be happy x

We have to get married for various legal reasons

If these legal reasons vanished, would you still be marrying him?

I think if anything it should be an absolutely joyous occasion, this man has found another chance of love and his DC has been lucky enough to have a kind, considerate person enter their life. Some people don't get that once in life, they have been so lucky to find that again.

I hope you are okay OP.

I’m getting serious Rebecca vibes. Why no rings and no pretty dress? So sad, this should be a joyous occasion regardless of what has happened before

First post nails it.
You’re doing the legal bit but the relationship you have before and after is just the same and just as wonderful regardless of a signature.
I understand your sadness. I hope this doesn’t seem an awful suggestion- Perhaps imagine you were his dead wife and how happy you would be, to know your husband and child had found someone wonderful, kind and loving enough to give them the chance of being a full family again. I think that is what you should be thinking and feeling. 🤗

I was married in a registry office. 2 friends as witnesses; no music or rings, no vows beyond the legal minimum and only a few non professional photos. I did wear a very nice, but not new and not white dress. We went for a very expensive meal afterwards. It was exactly what I wanted.

Have a nice low key day. Enjoy it x

Cancel.

You can still have a lovely dress and rings.

My husband and I didn't have wedding rings. He'd probably wear one if I wanted him to but I don't like them.