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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sad about wedding

233 replies

Anonymous2029 · 25/07/2025 20:12

I’m getting married next week, a registry office. My partner lost his wife 6 years

We have to get married for various legal reasons. I adore my partner and I want to be his wife but I’m feeling so sad about the day (or rather the 10 minute ceremony)

i just feel so sad that his first wife isn’t here and she’s not getting to raise her child. We are having the simplest of vows, no rings. I don’t have a dress, not even a normal dress - I don’t really know what to wear, I was planning on jeans and tshirt.

Our parents are coming because we need witnesses but that’s all.

Ive not planned any music or anything. Everytime I think about the day I just feel overwhelmingly sad and want to just get it over with.

Will I regret it being so sad and simple? I just can’t shake the feeling and get excited

OP posts:
Juliejuly · 25/07/2025 22:48

Would you like something special to wear, to get your hair done and anything else that appeals like a facial, manicure etc? If so, do it.
This is Your wedding, the start of Your marriage, don’t short change yourself out of some misplaced idea that this is not a proper wedding. Hopefully you’ll only do this once, so make it something special for you.

Rewis · 25/07/2025 22:49

You can still have a proper wedding, even if it is a 10min ceremony at the registry office. We're a nice dress and a suit, have rings, pick music. Have champagne and nice dinner. Have a first dance in private at home. Just because he has been married before doenst mwna you have to have a quickie wedding at lunch time in jeans and t-shirt (unless that is genuinely what you want).

Also, your feeling about his wife are a but worrying. Youa re setting yourself to he the second choise, living in her shadow. Making yourself small. This is no way to live. You can be sad thag children have lost their mother and be happy that you and your husband found each other.

NomNomNominativeDeterminism · 25/07/2025 22:50

That is good to hear OP. 💐I hope you all have a very happy day.

uhohjojo · 25/07/2025 22:50

I'm so pleased you've decided to buy a dress. Low key is actually rather nice. I did the traditional wedding but quiet and simple is probably a lot of people's secret preference! The important thing is the marriage and the people. If you and your closest relatives are there that's all you need. Congratulations, and I hope it goes well. xx

florenceandthemac · 25/07/2025 22:51

You could have another ‘wedding’ in a few years if that would be special? On your wedding anniversary maybe

Brunettesmorefun · 25/07/2025 22:54

You sound so lovely and very caring. It is the marriage that is important but would you feel happier if you were wearing a nice dress? You still have time and maybe a small bouquet to hold? I bought my flowers from M&S when I got married and just tweaked them.

You deserve to have a special day x

Missj25 · 25/07/2025 22:56

CryptoFascist · 25/07/2025 20:25

Why don't you feel like you can celebrate your wedding? Why can't you invite friends and have a pretty outfit?
It really comes across like you're apologising for getting married.
What would your DP say if you said actually you'd like to arrange a proper celebration and invite friends and family?

I have the same questions as CryptoFascist OP ?

Juliejuly · 25/07/2025 22:58

It looks like I cross posted, I hope you find a dress that makes you feel beautiful, as you sound like a beautiful and thoughtful person, and you do have permission to make the day about you too, so lovely flowers, your favourite foods and drinks and permission to have a happy and love filled day.

becausewecancan · 25/07/2025 23:05

Even if time and budget constraints are keeping you from having everything you might want in a wedding, it's definitely worth doing some little things to make it a special, happy occasion. You deserve a celebration of some sort, even if it's only treating yourself to a dress and a small bouquet.

Maybe you and he can plan for a small party or nice meal with friends and family, sometime in the near future. A slightly delayed reception in honour of your union. Wishing you a joyous wedding day and a happy marriage.

lotsakidsathome · 25/07/2025 23:07

Yes, it's sad his first wife passed away and that your SD lost her mother, but it happens and there's no going backwards on that. There is only forwards. Celebrate that you and your DH-to-be have found each other, he has love again and your SD has a mother who loves her and can be there for her. If she were here, I'm sure his first wife would be happy to know there is someone caring for her child and giving all the love she would want for her. Someone who embraces her as her own. That is something to celebrate.

Lafufufu · 25/07/2025 23:08

Go out together and get:
some nice dresses for you both
Sparkly shoes (maybe for you both 😅)
Flower garlands
Anything that sparks joy

Then take her for a nice lunch or child friendly afternoon tea.

On the day do something nice with everyone after even if its low key (lunch by the river, champagne and homemade picnic in the park)

I'd also be inclined to have your husband or you yourself could get a nice piece of matching jewellery (a disc with everyone's birthstones) or something like that one for everyone to commemorate the day and have a keepsake (i treasured "real" jewellery aged 6-10)
You can get silver ones and they arent crazy expensive

Basically make some happy memories

Anyway just some ideas....

BabyEatsEverything · 25/07/2025 23:09

You sound so lovely! And so considerate of your eldest daughter.
please do go shopping and get a lovely dress. Places like monsoon and m&s used to have lovely summer looking off the rack dresses. Get some rings and go and find a florist and have flowers for you and your daughters. You deserve to celebrate

Pessismistic · 25/07/2025 23:16

Tbh I would rather have the simple ceremony anytime if you feel it’s not special enough you can try to make it better. Dress up go for a meal to celebrate then in a few years when your youngest is older you could renew your vows with more people there. Honestly unless you have always wanted a big white wedding you are going to feel like this and if has to be sooner rather than later for your sd you should be proud of yourself for sacrificing your big day to make everything legal for her. You sound like a great person and like you said you’re very happy otherwise.

TheSilentSister · 25/07/2025 23:16

From your update OP, I think it sounds like a rushed marriage for the reasons you stated and while you love your DP, you're not entirely happy about it and understandably feel deflated.
Unless you can shake yourself out of this, don't go ahead.
It almost sounds like you're being used. You obviously don't have to explain the exact reasons for the rush/reasons but something isn't right.

SussexLass87 · 25/07/2025 23:20

Fluffyeye · 25/07/2025 22:47

Wear something nice, get some flowers , book a table somewhere, choose a nice poem for the registrar to read. Book a night away with your new husband for a future mini modest honeymoon to look forward too. Small, budget friendly simple ways to make it just a little bit more special will take away your sadness.

This 💗

Cucy · 25/07/2025 23:23

I don’t actually ever want to get married but I’ve always said that if I do decide to then I’d want a very simple wedding.

I believe weddings are intimate and the most romantic things are to prioritise the bride and groom and their love, not spend thousands having a lavish do and being a bridezilla.

But that doesn’t mean it can’t be special and you can’t enjoy it.

Absolutely buy a lovely dress and think about how you’re going to have your hair and what colour you’ll paint your nails etc.
Have a celebration, even if it’s just at home with a cake, a few sandwiches and a couple cheap bottles of fizz.
It doesn’t have to cost much money.

Winebefore5 · 25/07/2025 23:26

i hope you can afford to go out and buy yourself a beautiful outfit, book somewhere for a meal after the ceremony and celebrate with your family. Maybe ask grandparents to babysit and go out for some fancy drinks after.

I know a few couples who had a small ceremony with just witnesses then threw a big party at a later date. Doesn’t need to cost a fortune, bowling clubs/ gold clubs/ church halls can all be decorated beautifully.

congratulations on your upcoming wedding, I wish you a long and happy marriage.

MeganM3 · 25/07/2025 23:38

It is really, really sad that he lost his wife and a tiny child lost their mother. It is beyond heartbreaking.
But you are the light! You are here to love them both and take care of them, give your step daughter the love she needs. I can honestly say that if I died, I would just want my children to be loved. And to have a mother, even if it couldn’t be me.
So as long as you are a good person (and you sound it) she will be ‘looking down on you’ happy and relieved her family are loved.
You can celebrate your wedding day. You shouldn’t feel guilty. Show the kids how much this family adores eachother. Buy a nice outfit or something special to mark this beautiful occasion.

ElizabethVonArnim · 25/07/2025 23:39

Think of The Sound of Music - Maria was sad that the children’s mother had died, but she brought joy back into all their lives and had a cathedral train and a choir of nuns! You’re giving your stepdaughter and fiancé a loving, living family to build a life that goes forward. That’s worth celebrating.

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 25/07/2025 23:39

By a beautiful dress and walk down the aisle with both of your children; it's very much acknowledging the journey that got you there. Yes, it's sad that his 1st wife has died but equally your position as his current wife is important. This should also be celebrated as well as your step daughter being able to see her dad remarry. It's a bitter sweet moment but the wedding shouldn't be ignored & downplayed as you might regret it in the future.

Post a thread on the style & beauty board and you'll get lots of help with dresses.

MarxistMags · 25/07/2025 23:55

What a lovely person you seem to be.
Buy a pretty dress for yourself so that in years to come you can look back on the day and realise it WAS a special day.
Congratulations and good wishes.

shuggles · 25/07/2025 23:57

@Anonymous2029 i just feel so sad that his first wife isn’t here and she’s not getting to raise her child.

From what I'm reading, I think his first wife would be happy that her husband found a caring person who cares about her husband's family and his child.

sandyhappypeople · 26/07/2025 00:01

I got married last week in a registry office and it was fab, much nicer than I imagined, we had a little laugh with the registrars, we walked in together with our young daughter was our ring bearer (although we fully accepted that she may just wander off and do her own thing, and we were prepared for it, but she was a champ).

No music as we couldn't decide and ultimately thought it would be a little awkward playing it and stopping it etc, and I don't think it was missed at all, it's quite a fast ceremony so it definitely wasn't necessary, we had the shortest vows as we don't like speaking in public, yet it felt so special.

My advice would be, have a word with yourself and shake off this sad feeling, because you will regret going in to it feeling like that! It doesn't matter HOW you get married, you are marrying the person you love and you only get one shot at it, if you write it off before you've started it is how you will always remember it.

Talk things over with your partner about how you're feeling and just DECIDE to go into it with a more positive attitude, buy a new outfit, and add any little extra bits that will make it feel special for you, flowers, rings, meal afterwards, get the girls involved and just try to make it as special as you can.

Zoono · 26/07/2025 00:01

You sound like a very kind and sensitive person. Your soon to be husband and step child are lucky to have you in their lives.

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