Sad about wedding

[Anonymous2029]

I’m getting married next week, a registry office. My partner lost his wife 6 years

We have to get married for various legal reasons. I adore my partner and I want to be his wife but I’m feeling so sad about the day (or rather the 10 minute ceremony)

i just feel so sad that his first wife isn’t here and she’s not getting to raise her child. We are having the simplest of vows, no rings. I don’t have a dress, not even a normal dress - I don’t really know what to wear, I was planning on jeans and tshirt.

Our parents are coming because we need witnesses but that’s all.

Ive not planned any music or anything. Everytime I think about the day I just feel overwhelmingly sad and want to just get it over with.

Will I regret it being so sad and simple? I just can’t shake the feeling and get excited

@Anonymous2029 what is it that you want though? It's a ceremony to start your married life together, it should reflect both of you. Set the tone. Together.

Have you been married before, OP?

Dont marry a man you feel sorry for.

Hey OP. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

I pray we live a long and healthy life together, but if anything happened to me, I’d want my husband to meet someone wonderful who will love our DC nearly as much as I do. The fact that you are thinking of his wife and children in all this suggests to me that you’re the kind of person she would absolutely give her blessing to and be so relieved you have come into his life and also her precious children’s lives.

But life can be cruel and you can’t let this spoil such a special day. I’d get a dress you feel great in, maybe get a haircut or colour if that’s your thing and celebrate the day with a nice meal afterwards. All th best OP.

Something sounds a bit off. Yes, the marriage is the important thing but it is supposed to be a joyous occasion, a reason to celebrate the unity etc.
Find it strange that a lot of your focus is on his dead wife. Is it where his focus is and that's the reason you're going low key?
If you were entirely happy about the wedding plans, you probably wouldn't have posted here. I've had a registry office wedding and shot off immediately after to a mini break in the UK. No guests, no reception. That's what we BOTH wanted, no fuss. It doesn't sound like it's what you want.

Is that you, not-Mrs-de-Winter? This is terribly sad to read. How can it be right that your married life is going to start in grief?

No-one would expect your fiancé’s first wife to be written out or ignored, but she should not be the main presence either. Not because me-me-me, but because she just shouldn’t be. Emotionally, the most important people to each other here should be you and your fiancé. And his child - but actually, on your wedding day, the point is that you two are getting married.

i can’t think of something more likely to doom a relationship than to feel, and to make it clear that you feel, so sorry that your husband is not still with his first wife.

Is that harsh? But isn’t it what you are describing?

This is messed up.

Are you marrying your friends widower so he has a green card or right to remain?
Hence the non-ceremony. Hence you wanting to be his wife (to help him). But no rings etc. (he doesn’t love you).

It sounds like you’re doing him a favour?. A marriage of convenience? Do you realise that prenups are not legally binding in the uk and if you do this he could end up with half your property, money, pension when he asks fur a divorce in Agee years when he meets someone he really does love fancy and wants her?

It all sounds messed up. You appear to be doing this for the wrong reasons. Apologies if I’ve got this wrong.

Are you sure you want to get married? Your wedding should be one of the happiest days of your life, regardless of whether you’re in jeans at the local town hall or a £20m two week extravaganza in Dubai. You talk about doing it for all sorts of sensible financial reasons, but I do not sense it is something you are doing for love and because it brings you joy. If you didn’t have the sensible reasons would you still be getting married?

“Steelworks · Today 20:50

Please, please don’t do this to yourself. This is YOUR wedding day. It’s a special occasion. You want to remember it as a happy occasion, not an ordeal.
Don’t live your life in the shadow of his late wife. It’s not a way to live. You’re not second best. Accept that life happens and move on.”

Not RTFT but this with bells on. It’s very sad that your fiancé’s first wife died and it’s great that you’re so empathetic, but not to the extent of entirely effacing yourself. 6 years later he’s found happiness with you and that is something to celebrate, not something to shrink from.

This sounds a bit miserable. Invite a friend, go shopping in the sales. Go to a salon and get a blow dry. Pick a song and go for a lovely meal afterwards. And for god’s sake go and get a bloody ring.

Unless there’s a major money constraint, there is still time to get (or borrow!) a nice dress and maybe even book a meal isn’t there?

While I totally agree with past posters - it is about the marriage, not the wedding day - it doesn’t need to be quite so Spartan.

It’s lovely of you to think of his first wife but you should feel he is lucky to have you too.

I had the 10 minute ceremony a month ago.

I got a dress from ebay for £42. We had the 8 guests at the registry office and had a dinner party after. Made a bouquet from flowers from my garden. It was FAB.

It IS a proper wedding and if I were you I would go out and buy a nice but inexpensive dress to wear so that you have something new and special for you. I knew someone who spent £30 on an ordinary day dress that she could wear later, but it was her favourite colour and she wanted something special to her.

It sounds like you’re conflicted about the day. Do you love your partner? Does he love you? What are the ‘legal reasons’ you have to get married?

it sends really odd to be sad that your p’s ex isn’t here - if she was, you wouldn’t be on the scene!

Why is the day so joyless? Do you actually want to get married?

You're not dancing on his late wife's grave, OP. Please stop thinking that. He's marrying you because he loves you, not because he might as well because she's not around any more.

If I died and my DH found someone he loved enough to marry, I'd be celebrating with them because I want him to be happy and would be grateful to her for giving him a new lease of life.

This is a day of celebration! Don't sweep it under the carpet out of some kind of shame that is not needed.

Oh, and read Daphne du Maurier's Rebecca ... or watch the classic movie of it!

Hope you have a wonderful wedding day in a sparkly dress that makes you feel joyful 💗

OP your fiancé’s marriage ended with the death of his wife - “till death do us part”. He is legally and morally free to marry again but if he isn’t emotionally free, even these years later, then you mustn’t go ahead.
It’s concerning that you say you have to marry him - you don’t and if you’re feeling that you have no choice, then you mustn’t go ahead. Marriage should be entered into freely and that applies to both parties.

Of course it is a proper wedding. Lots of people have second marriages, for whatever reason.

Isn’t it good that he has found love again, and someone to love his Dc?

Are you depressed?

Surely there is some middle ground though?

I’ve said to my DH that if I die I would want him to move on (not the following week obvs!) and find happiness again. I would hope he’d find someone as lovely sounding as you @Anonymous2029 and I’d hope they would talk freely about me but I wouldn’t want memories of me to curtail the joy he has the right to feel. Second wife isn’t second best and you have a right to celebrate your wedding and you must!

It’s very sad she died but I doubt she would have wanted others’ lives to stop too. You’re not taking her place, you’re just picking up the baton and doing the best job you can for your future DH and their child, you’re allowed to be happy and celebrate that and you should.

Is there a reason you can’t wear a nice dress, have a bouquet etc? Also you say have to get married, do you both want to? Are you sure he’s ready to remarry ?it seems like his wife is still present.

You need to have a frank discussion with your husband to be asap and open up about your feelings. You will regret this wedding in years to come.
No rings and no dress is bizarre and doesn’t sound like this is the wedding you want or envisaged.
And for the love of God, stop living in the shadow of his late wife, the child will thrive in a loving stable home regardless AND You will be part of this happy equation.

I quite agree.

OP you sound like a lovely person and your simple wedding will be perfect for you both. You are already committed to your partner and his child, this is the public commitment and it really will something, a heck of a lot more than a fancy, expensive do with accompanying dramas and headaches (a lot them don't last long anyway). All is good.

However it won't hurt to buy yourself. a pretty dress and shoes for the day and have a few photos. Up to you but I think you will be glad if you do.

I wish you many years of happiness.

Please allow yourself the happiness everyone deserves on their wedding day. You sound very empathetic, but your soon to be DH and daughter also need to put the sadness behind them and celebrate this new chapter of their lives.
I wish you all the very best.

Thank you for all your lovely and kind replies. My partner has never made me feel second best, i think this is something I have put on myself.

We have 2 children, my step daughter who is 6 (her mum passed away when she was a few days old) and my youngest who is 1, they will both be with us.

I am going to really try and reframe it and maybe go shopping for a dress this weekend. I want my eldest daughter to witness it as a happy occasion (they have dresses!)

edited to add legal reasons for getting married are financial and ability to become a legal guardian to my step daughter. I would still want to be his wife if it wasn’t for these but we probably would get married in a few years

OP I think you should get a new dress. Doesn’t have to be fancy. Something you can wear again. Because you deserve it. This is a happy occasion and you should celebrate it x

Wear something nice, get some flowers , book a table somewhere, choose a nice poem for the registrar to read. Book a night away with your new husband for a future mini modest honeymoon to look forward too. Small, budget friendly simple ways to make it just a little bit more special will take away your sadness.