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Original poster

Sad about wedding

233 replies

Anonymous2029 · 25/07/2025 20:12

I’m getting married next week, a registry office. My partner lost his wife 6 years

We have to get married for various legal reasons. I adore my partner and I want to be his wife but I’m feeling so sad about the day (or rather the 10 minute ceremony)

i just feel so sad that his first wife isn’t here and she’s not getting to raise her child. We are having the simplest of vows, no rings. I don’t have a dress, not even a normal dress - I don’t really know what to wear, I was planning on jeans and tshirt.

Our parents are coming because we need witnesses but that’s all.

Ive not planned any music or anything. Everytime I think about the day I just feel overwhelmingly sad and want to just get it over with.

Will I regret it being so sad and simple? I just can’t shake the feeling and get excited

OP posts:
Lobsterteapot · 25/07/2025 21:24

Why do you HAVE to get married?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 25/07/2025 21:24

Are you confusing getting married and having a wedding.

You wouldn't be getting married if his 1st wife was still alive.

You can celebrate however you want on the day,

buy a dress if you want

invite more family if you want

invite friends if you want

have a bouquet of flowers if you want

have a meal afterwards if you want
or a party

if you want

Why no rings - lots of women choose to wear a wedding ring - do YOU want to ?

You have time to choose music if you want some, but of course check with the Registrar what is and isn't allowed.

Screamingabdabz · 25/07/2025 21:25

You sound as if this wedding is worth nothing because his first wife is the ‘real’ one. Stop this.

Your relationship is different and actually worth more, because he chooses to be with you in the here and now. His wife, with all due respect, is dead and in the past. If he’s still haunted and living in the past then you shouldn’t be shackling yourself to him. call it off.

If he is fully committed to you and your future, then you should honour that with the right spirit towards your vows. Not jeans. Not sadness toward his dead wife. Just hope and joy. Life is for the living. Live it.

MarySueSaidBoo · 25/07/2025 21:25

OP this doesn't sound like a love match at all. No one should get married solely for legal reasons....You sound sad, not your usual bride. Is your gut trying to tell you something here??

NachoChip · 25/07/2025 21:25

I got married relatively recently after being with my partner a long time. For various reasons I won't go into, the lead up to the wedding and the wedding itself was almost entirely dictated by his needs and mental health. I thought leading up to it that all that mattered was that we were getting married.

I now regret letting it happen like that. I didn't think I cared that much about the wedding day but now when I see people have these lovely celebrations, cherishing their memories, their photos etc, it makes me so sad. People might say it's just one day and it's the marriage that counts but I can't help but think your wedding day sets the tone for your marriage.

Please think about this. It sounds like your wedding day isn't at all how you want it and I worry that this is a reflection of your future to come. You deserve so much more, you don't deserve to live in someone else's shadow xxxx

Perplexed20 · 25/07/2025 21:26

Have you thought about reframing this.

Your fiancé's first wife was loved and by the sounds of things was loving. Your fiancé's experience of marriage was such that he wants to do it again. I rather think she would have liked you and would want both of you to be happy. Take that love and joy into your wedding and your marriage. That feels like it would honour both her memory and potentially would be want she would want.

Today is my 27th wedding anniversary and I know if I wasn't here I would want my dh to have joy and happiness again. And my grown up children to have someone they could grow to love.

Hankunamatata · 25/07/2025 21:26

Does you partner not really want to get married?

Why wouldnt you both turn it into a celebration of you both starting a new chapter?

Buy an outfit you like, get some photos in nice setting- friends had lovely ones feom grounds of registry office took by her mum.

Go for a picnic after or even make a special meal at home if money is an issue.

Its the start of something special after so much sadness

chocolatelover91 · 25/07/2025 21:26

The fact that you are feeling sad for his departed wife says wonderful things about you! Most women wouldn't even think about that!

Yes your day isn't how you pictured it to be, but your partner has you, and it means you'll both have a lovely marriage ❤️

MrsMitford3 · 25/07/2025 21:32

Just want to say-my DH died age 29.

When I remarried I struggled a bit-felt I was being disloyal etc and then a chance remark my now DH said made me think so differently.

It was going to be our wedding and he didn't want me to only think of my first wedding when I thought of getting married. It is ok to be happy again.

I so respect your feelings re his first wife-but this is the start of your married life with your DH and it is ok to celebrate it.
Please don't be afraid to be joyful-have music, wear something you feel good in.

Set the tone for your life together-respect the past but embrace the future!

I wish you much happiness.

TheyFuckYouUpYourMamAndDad · 25/07/2025 21:35

Bloody hell OP! Buy yourself a nice dress and book yourself a hair appointment ffs! You are making this sound like a death sentence rather than your wedding day! Get a grip and enjoy the day (or don’t, and be bloody miserable about it!)

Why on earth are you enforcing misery on what should be the happiest day of your life? Yes, it’s sad that your future husband lost his first wife, but this shouldn’t be the focus of YOUR wedding day!

MummyJ36 · 25/07/2025 21:39

OP my DM was widowed when I was young. It would have made me incredibly happy, and still would, to see her get married again to someone who truly loved her. I know this is what my DF would have wanted too. As it was, she’s stuck in a horrible relationship with someone and has been for many years. She will never marry him and neither of them want that. I would give anything for her to meet someone lovely and have a lovely wedding ceremony. Even now I find myself hoping it will happen one day. Don’t underestimate how much family wants to see a widowed person find happiness again, no matter how much they loved the late spouse.

I would say stick with the simple ceremony and once the dust has settled, organise a party with your friends and family to celebrate. It takes the pressure off and means you celebrate once you have relaxed into a bit more.

Nachoinseachthu · 25/07/2025 21:40

Life is short and uncertain and is over before you know it.

Find some excitement and do the wedding with love, joy and panache.

shellinmypocket · 25/07/2025 21:40

Why is this day not about you, is it a memorial?

blizymitzy · 25/07/2025 21:41

@Anonymous2029
I’m married to a widower with bereaved children .
I understand how you are feeling.
Feel free to message me if you want to chat.

Zonder · 25/07/2025 21:42

Could you make it a special day for you by having a you-style party?

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 25/07/2025 21:43

Anonymous2029 · 25/07/2025 20:22

I have no worries at all about getting married, no doubts or anything. I’m very very happy but yes I feel sad that they didn’t get to spend their lives together and I feel like this isn’t a ‘proper’ wedding because he’s already done that

Show quote history

You need to cut yourself some slack you have every right to be happy. Stop feeling guilty you’re alive and she isn’t. You deserve rings and a dress and a lovely day. You’re not somehow making her feel better by not celebrating properly.

MaggieBsBoat · 25/07/2025 21:44

It is YOUR day. Please please make it a day of joy and celebration. For you and him. His last marriage is exactly that. You are a new family now and his wife would be thrilled that her children have a loving step mum to take care of them. And your soon to be husband should allow you to have a beautiful, even if simple day. Get a lovely new dress or suit or whatever you fancy. Get your hair done if you like. Pick some music. It is YOUR day. I hope it is lovely OP.

Zanatdy · 25/07/2025 21:47

It’s ok to celebrate your love, even though his wife has sadly gone.

nadine90 · 25/07/2025 21:48

Why can’t you make more of a day of it and make it a celebration? Yes, a marriage is a million times more than a wedding, but it’s still a moment to celebrate your love. Why would wearing something special and having a low key meal or a party at home be out of the question because your husband sadly lost his first wife? It’s wonderful that you, him and his children have found love and happiness after such sadness x

Ohwhydidntijustkeepmymouthshut · 25/07/2025 21:49

You sound like you consider yourself to be a consolation prize to your FH. That he would have been happier with his wife but she’s not here so he has to put up with you? I hope these feeling do not come from him in any way. You deserve to be someone’s first choice and if that’s not the case I wouldn’t be getting married. Is he over his grief? It sounds like you are carrying his grief for him. I would think of this marriage as a fresh start. A new partnership with each other and your children together.

Ellepff · 25/07/2025 21:50

Go into a shop you can barely afford and buy something to wear. If it’s jeans…make them your wedding jeans that hug your bum just right and will make you and dh happy. Have it be something special. My mum had her outfit from her registry office in her closet most of my life and I loved seeing it. I bought a sparkly dress for mine and wear it on our anniversary.

Is his ex wife buried/cremated with a grave? Or does the family have a special spot? You can go there before and introduce yourself and ask her blessing (out loud or in your head).

Birch101 · 25/07/2025 21:51

Life is about chapters, and people's stories overlap and end at different times but each part of the story is important and this sounds like a very significant part in all of your stories, pledging to be there for each other and the child, promising to take on a prominent role. I would wear something so that when you look back together as a family in years to come it has a sense of beauty and poignancy that the day you become a family really is.

It's ok to feel sad it's a huge day but maybe she guided you to him or vice versa and maybe she can rest knowing her family are loved

Dontlookbackinangeriheardyousay · 25/07/2025 21:51

You’re feeling sad which means your current plans aren’t right for you. Get a dress, flowers, choose some music and plan a celebration.

DisforDarkChocolate · 25/07/2025 21:51

I think you need to see more joy in the day and let yourself enjoy it.

You, and your new life together, deserve celebrating.

Alifemoreordinary123 · 25/07/2025 21:55

With love to you OP, his love for his late wife and their wedding shouldn’t take anything away from yours. That’s really sad, and you are being very sensitive to what must be an incredibly difficult situation, but the sadness of that situation doesn’t and shouldn’t diminish joy at you both finding each other and living a happy life together. If this is in any way driven by your partner, then I would truly wonder if this is the right step. Of course, completely appropriate to sit with the grief (and guilt) but with joy for the future. Absolutely not ok to let either of those emotions rule how either of you feel about your special day. I would want my husband to be happy, to look lovely and celebrate, whilst quietly remembering me.