For saying Im not auto childcare because I don't have children?

[Trainfortwoplease]

Background - DH and I have been trying for a while with no success, apart from a recent first trimester miscarriage.

We have a trip planned with another 3 couples, which I've really been looking forward to. All other couples have children, ranging from 6 months > 3 years old. Its not our first trip, usually a mix of walks/Sunday lunches and bbqs. It will be the first trip since the latest couple had their first DC. All couples know DH and I are trying.

In the last few weeks there have been comments about how I'll have the job of being responsible and getting all the mums home from the pub, how DH and I can babysit all the kids and let the parents have a night off and I recently found out they are planning a trip for just the other 3 (like a Disneyland), but DH and I aren't invited because "that doesn't seem our thing". We weren't asked, just told.

Today there was another joke that on the upcoming trip I'll be watching the kids while the rest are at the pub. I replied on our group message with "ha ha, no thanks. I might have fertility issues but I still want to enjoy the trip with you all".

My friend has now messaged me separately, saying ive upset her husband (who i was responding too).

I have no plans to apologise, aibu?

Silent couple are cowardly. Gregg and Mrs Gregg are entitled arseholes.

completely agree with this.

I think apologetic couple sound lovely, and mrs gregg just made it sound like you had been asked about theme park and sold it as a done deal, just beggars belief.

It was the wife in the other couple who complained that her DH was upset. Not the silent couple wife

Well done and I hope you manage to have a holiday somewhere without kids xx
all the best x

Well said, OP

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Been there with the fertility issues. Your friends don’t sound very nice. Your friend should have messaged you separately to say sorry to you for them all being so insensitive, especially when you mentioned your fertility struggles!

I think you and your dh sound like fab people. I’m so glad that he supported you and actually took charge of this problem. You have a good man there. I would make an effort with the couple that reached out. Seems like they were genuine. Good riddance to the other two couples. Awful people.

I'm sorry that 2 out of the 3 couples have behaved so poorly and essentially doubled down with the rallying response of bullies everywhere: 'You're over-reacting! You're too sensitive!'

The couple who came to see you with apologies and remorse sound like the kind of friends you want to keep. I hope it works out

Um, no. HE upset YOU!

If anyone is due an apology, it’s you.

Great outcome with the UnGreggs. Best of luck to you OP and hope you have a wonderful holiday wherever you choose to go 💐

What i would do is book the same trip for you and your DH at the same time and tell them youve managed to get a booking. You then get lost from them when you are there.

I suspect silent couple have been undermining you for a very long time op. I can see why the other group char was set up for practical reasons but I think it was being used to exclude you.

This toxic group will eat itself in the end. I have watched it happen enough times. You are safer outside of it, and can focus on real friendships. Proper support networks that are mutually rewarding, and leave the sharks to it. Apologetic couple deserve a second chance.

I am glad you are feeling much better. Somehow it just becomes personally crushing if you accept such poor behaviour. All the best op! 💐

It’s not you causing the issue. Are you usually mild mannered? Were they used to using you as the butt of jokes here they had children? Would your OH speak up ok tour behalf?

It sounds like you need new friends.

Perhaps tell your friend her husband probably hadn’t ‘meant any harm’ either when he allocated you babysitter on a joint holiday simply bc you don’t/can’t have kids. Some ppl are very gifted at dishing out but not taking or being swift to take offence so they can switch who is the victim.

Sounds like he and his wife are trying to DARVO you bc they don’t like him
being called out in front of the group.

Are the apologetic couple still going on the trip, @Trainfortwoplease ?

Kind?? That’s funny.

As you know, you are purposefully missing the point.

This is a group holiday where they have previously happily made arrangements together.

There is nothing right about making seperate arrangements without even mentioning them and excluding anyone from possible plans. Especially when making a decision on their behalf.

Totally fine to say we fancy going to x with the kids, who wants to join and who wants a day to do something else. Not fine to do it underhand and in secret.

That’s without all the other comments compounding the situation.

Honestly, it's ridiculous and weird to have to invite everyone to everything all the time. I agree the friends sound like dicks, but I don't think not being invited to Disneyland is a big deal. Why would you even want to go to Disneyland with a whole bunch of kids, that sounds like a nightmare!

Group holidays are quite short, and an agreement to spend some time together. Sometimes people want /don’t want to do something specific , sometimes people need some quiet time, but I’ve never seen or heard one where all the other members/couples planned a day long outing and didn’t invite the others. I’ve certainly never seen or heard of one where they didn’t invite the others… because they thought they could be childcare. Personally I’d judge even the first scenario and the second scenario people would be written off if I ever met any, so I guess that’s you.

Loads of adults go to Disneyland without kids. I first went there in my early 20s on a road trip with friends- the fact that we didn’t yet have kids wasn’t even a thing. It’s an experience and a lot of the rides are not aimed at small children.

People are complex, they're not all bad or all good. It's perfectly reasonable that there's nothing more to the Disneyland trip that OP wasn't invited becaue she didn't have kids, which would be what most normal people would do. In this case, and only this scenario it's OP who is BU taking offence here.

With friends like that who needs enemies?! You’re well rid. Friends should make you feel good, these people are not your friends they are nasty bullies. Your DH sounds lovely though, he’s got your back! I hope you have a lovely trip with just the two of you.

💯 and that would be fun. Going with other people's kids, very much not fun.* *

why wouldn’t it be fun? OP said she loved her friends’ kids. Anyway they wouldn’t have had to stick together the whole time.

Can you honestly not see that it's not a big deal OP wasn't invited to Disneyland? And do you honestly believe that once you've gone on holiday with people as a group you always have to go on holiday as a group?

They are all on holiday, away from home and their babysitters. If the others are going out for the day without their very young children do you think they are planning to tell the 3yos to look after the 6 month olds?? Or, CONVENIENTLY, were they thinking the op who they hadn’t invited might be really super handy? It’s totally unreasonable and crazy you’re defending it.

I think you're talking about something else?! I'm talking about a side issue, not being invited to the Disneyland trip 🤡

Except it’s not what most normal people would do. Most normal people would think… we are on a group holiday. I want to do this and I think others may or may not want to join. So I will say I want to/am going to do this on this day and who wants to come. Or I am doing this and I will see you that night. Not unilaterally make decisions on other people’s behalf and choose who I am going to invite and who I am cutting out of the conversation entirely. That’s the bit you seem to be choosing to ignore.

And in case it isn’t obvious by now, many many adults love to go to Disneyland without kids!

Going together doesn’t mean all holding hands and staying together for every second. But I think you know that are being purposefully obtuse.