For saying Im not auto childcare because I don't have children?

[Trainfortwoplease]

Background - DH and I have been trying for a while with no success, apart from a recent first trimester miscarriage.

We have a trip planned with another 3 couples, which I've really been looking forward to. All other couples have children, ranging from 6 months > 3 years old. Its not our first trip, usually a mix of walks/Sunday lunches and bbqs. It will be the first trip since the latest couple had their first DC. All couples know DH and I are trying.

In the last few weeks there have been comments about how I'll have the job of being responsible and getting all the mums home from the pub, how DH and I can babysit all the kids and let the parents have a night off and I recently found out they are planning a trip for just the other 3 (like a Disneyland), but DH and I aren't invited because "that doesn't seem our thing". We weren't asked, just told.

Today there was another joke that on the upcoming trip I'll be watching the kids while the rest are at the pub. I replied on our group message with "ha ha, no thanks. I might have fertility issues but I still want to enjoy the trip with you all".

My friend has now messaged me separately, saying ive upset her husband (who i was responding too).

I have no plans to apologise, aibu?

“Hi, no I didn’t mean to come off as sharp but the jokes about babysitting so often upsets me as it reminds me of my infertility every time someone makes a joke about it.”

Argh this was us on a trip once before we had kids. Travelling with kids is a pain in the arse. Everything has to be focused on what times they will eat and sleep, when they wake up etc.

I think it would be fair enough to reply to your friend that actually you did mean what you said. You’re there to enjoy your holiday, not be a free babysitter.

@Trainfortwoplease if anyone deserves to be upset it's you and your partner. Bunch of cheeky fkrs. I can't get my head around Mr Fluffy being upset 😫. Unless, it's because he thought he was having a child free night out.

My friendship circle changed dramatically once my friends started having children. I was unable to conceive until my late 30’s and by then they were all established little families and we were a childless couple. I never once considered a holiday with any of them. What would be the point? Why would a childless couple even want to holiday with families? I always felt excluded anyway, I had nothing left in common with them - it was always child/pregnancy oriented and that just made me feel worse and less interested.

Not trying to pile it on, but I hope you know that you are completely justified to of said what you did and put a boundary in before they all start taking the piss. I know it's hard to make friends and can be crazy awkward leaving friendships due to connects with family, work ect BUT this is so painfully insensitive that I can't help but think they are a real bunch of entitled twats and maybe not the genuine friends they should be.
I can't imagine thinking this would be ok to say or attempt to do to anyone. You are not the free help, you have paid to be there with your friends. No doubt you will be hands on in helping with the kids all day and evening anyway but to suggest that you are automatic childcare is gross....Please don't let their tantrums guilt you, they are wrong and horribly entitled.

I haven’t read the whole 21 pages of this thread, but I will say this - no way should you and your DH be babysitters for the others so that they can go off and have their “date nights”. I’d be seriously reconsidering going on this trip, to be honest. Sounds like they want you there to be unpaid babysitters. Stuff that for a bunch of bananas.

I would bow out of that week-end. I understand it would be dificult to say no once you're all there, and the others saying how much they've been looking forward to their night out and that you can go out every night since you don't have children yet. So instead of having to say no and going with them to the pub and feeling uncomfortable because they obviously don't want you in the pub but in the holidayhouse watching their children.......just don't go. I suppose Gregg is feeling you consider to not go and leave them to theirselves with their babies to watch night and day and that's why he's upset. The way they treat you.......I wouldn't consider them real friends.

How is it coming off as “so sharp” when you started with “ha ha” ? I have siblings that have form for saying they’ll leave me with childcare and I’ve always replied “oh no thank you!” which I think is a little more pointed than your response.

Well! I'm furious with Gregg on your behalf. He upset the 'little precious ' but neither he nor his Mrs.think he's being a little bit insensitive to you. !! Do they think you are looking for a baby or two to play with!! ??
I agree with the others, if you can pull out from this holiday then I would do it.! They sound like a bunch of pratts anyway. Take care!

I have to agree with someone's else's comment, wow. Your friends are being absolute ass hats... making a big joke about a really sensitive subject and then having the nerve to say you've upset them? I really wouldn't go because it's already soured in my opinion, if they can't understand that they are being cruel then they aren't good friends anyway and can FO to the pub together and pay someone to babysit their own kids!

Why is he upset? It's you who should be concerned. I think your response was lighthearted and to the point - not "sharp" in any way, Even if their comments are made in a jokey way, there is a suggestion that you might sometimes be expected to do childcare. That is not acceptable at all.

Except she wasn't sharp at all and had the patience of a saint, finally responding after being repeatedly goaded, and of course she must not apologise for finally responding to unkind comments. Say nothing and they keep harassing you, say something and you get harassed again. So, no.

If the group, particularly the sharp, unpleasant wife and husband team who privately inboxed her to harass her some more, had actually apologised, it could have been salvaged since OP is clearly calm, rational and was not looking for a fight, just for the unkindness to stop.

I'm glad she's not going.

Also, OP, it's of course fine and understandable if you want to meet up with the very apologetic couple. But it might just not be worth the hassle for you, since after all they are still friends with the very unpleasant woman who privately messaged you and her dreadful husband. Might be better just to move on altogether as the friendship group has run its ourse.

Correct. It's a holiday, the last expectation in the world should be free babysitting on a holiday. I can't imagine the sort of person who would even think this, to be honest, but I suppose they could have very very politely asked.

That is a superb message to have sent, so well articulated 👏🏻

I think,

1. You should find out about getting your money back and you and DH going somewhere by yourselves.
2. Find some new friends because seriously these have no empathy or sensitivity to you fertility issues.
3. If you can't get your money back go, but don't babysit for any of them at all.

Actually, I’d be tempted to go and be absolutely unashamed about your date night evenings out, drunkenness, loud sex etc. Go nuclear. These people suck.

Have you bothered to even read OPs updates??

What a bunch of awful people! Fucking arseholes!

Having gone through years of fertility issues before I had my children some of my friends did make the odd insensitive comments but nothing on this level.

Oddly, some parents feel rather smug when they've had children. As if being fertile somehow makes them a superior being. Ugh. Infertility did make me feel less than and it was because of people like your 'friends'. As if it's not hard enough!

I'm really sorry your 'friends' are being so insensitive. There's just no excuse for it. None. Most adults have awareness of how Infertility affects people. It sounds like they just don't care.

Ditch them and have a nicer trip with your DH.

Your “friends” sound incredibly smug & self-centred. They should be ashamed of their behaviour. Don’t go & definitely never offer to look after their children.

No don't step away @Trainfortwoplease please let us know how today went and if they are going on the trip and any word how it went afterwards.

Excellent reply. The onlynone in this situation with any grounds to be upset is you. Them mentioning upu as free childcare once possibly could have been a joke (still v insensitive) but repeatedly bringing it up shows their expectations.

The comments re "getting the mums home from the pub" is also weird and singles you out for no reason. Why would being childless mean you're responsible for grown adults?

At best these people are completely thick and don't realise their comments are hurtful.

At worst they are cruel, entitled and insensitive and think the whole world revolves around them because they've reproduced.

Well done on calling it out!

Good for you OP and your DH for standing up to these "jokes". Some friendships are just not worth having and I think this incident have shown you who is worth maintaining the friendships with and who aren't. Enjoy your city break when you've decided where! 🕶

Talk about entitled people! Remember, it's not you causing the problem - it's them! Tell them to definitely do one & if they fall out with you, it's their fault & not yours - They created the situation thinking it's ok to use you for free childcare - & the guy that's upset, well, he's definitely on a guilt trip - quite rightly too. hope he enjoys his holiday!!

Reply saying yeah I also know Gregg wouldn't have meant to sound grabby and like he was pressuring me to be a babysitter while everyone else enjoys themselves at a time when I'm struggling to conceive - both just joking around and I wouldn't have dreamt of upsetting anyone or causing a fuss by raising his comment (and all the other comments hinting at me babysitting, being different to the 'mums') directly.

Sorry for your recent loss and struggles.

This.

Along with the other posts about how they’re being rather insensitive, and it probably won’t be a trip you’ll enjoy.

Are they CF’s in person generally? Do they try leaving you holding the baby at other meet ups?