For saying Im not auto childcare because I don't have children?

[Trainfortwoplease]

Background - DH and I have been trying for a while with no success, apart from a recent first trimester miscarriage.

We have a trip planned with another 3 couples, which I've really been looking forward to. All other couples have children, ranging from 6 months > 3 years old. Its not our first trip, usually a mix of walks/Sunday lunches and bbqs. It will be the first trip since the latest couple had their first DC. All couples know DH and I are trying.

In the last few weeks there have been comments about how I'll have the job of being responsible and getting all the mums home from the pub, how DH and I can babysit all the kids and let the parents have a night off and I recently found out they are planning a trip for just the other 3 (like a Disneyland), but DH and I aren't invited because "that doesn't seem our thing". We weren't asked, just told.

Today there was another joke that on the upcoming trip I'll be watching the kids while the rest are at the pub. I replied on our group message with "ha ha, no thanks. I might have fertility issues but I still want to enjoy the trip with you all".

My friend has now messaged me separately, saying ive upset her husband (who i was responding too).

I have no plans to apologise, aibu?

You've upset him? No one seems concerned it might upset you to be told, 'Well you can't have kids and you're used to having free time - so it's only fair that you babysit all of ours like some sort of au pair whilst we have fun without you'.

They all sound like utter pricks to be honest. Who expects anyone to look after their kids on holiday? Particularly someone who is child free.

I would just reply asking what exactly it is that has upset him, but I also wouldn’t be going on the trip. These don’t sound like very good friends and I wouldn’t head off on a trip to be their unpaid babysitter.

I think I will go back with a "why, wasn't it all a joke" style reply. Once I can chat to my own DH I'll see about pulling out of the trip, and probably away from the group as a whole

Gregg needs to get a grip.

I think you right op to pull out of the holiday and distance yourself. Concentrate on you and your husband and sending you baby dust

Yeah, that's really poor of your friends, OP. If you are thinking of pulling away from the group then you have nothing to lose by telling them something along the lines of "Sorry Gregg feels that way. But it's a shame that you can't see that I would love nothing more than to be babysitting my own children." You deserve better.

I can't see anything in your reply that could possibly upset Gregg.

Unless, he's pissed you're off the hook from looking after his kids.

I would go back to her and be honest. Tell them that it’s obvious that all three couples seem to automatically think you will baby sit but why should you as it’s your holiday as well? I would also point out how upset you are that the three have decided to go off together one day and have not invited you with an assumption it’s not your thing when actually you would like to go

i would also point out that you dont understand how Gregg can be upset by a simple comment confirming you won’t be baby sitting when actually it’s you that’s owed the apology for the assumption

Personally I would be rethinking the whole trip. Go away somewhere just the two of you and enjoy it together

Don't go. They sound horrible.

Oh fuck that! Tell her Gregg should grow up and have some basic self awareness and sensitivity. Why should you, the one struggling to conceive, have to tiptoe around his feelings?!

OP I'm really sorry for your losses and I hope it works out for you. Until then there is no way you should be looking after a load of other people's children on holiday. It probably seems like cold comfort but having a relaxing holiday is one of the benefits of not having children yet.

Your friend is unbelievable. I'd be replying 'I'm not sure why gregg is upset, I am the one who should be upset that you are all being so incredibly insensitive regarding our fertility struggles. Gregg owes me an apology'

I’d reply and say actually you were upset by his xomment

i also wouldn’t go on the trip to be honest

This is the thing, up until now I have always assumed these were poorly considered jokes, and in the past I have wanted to reply with something more serious but told myself its insensitive but not meant as malicious.

Now I think that at least that particular couple honestly think to some extent that I owe them a break.

It’s not only being insensitive about your infertility - they’re also treating you as second class citizens to serve their needs

Fucks sake. Sharp?! What a knob she is.

Send her a thumbs up.

👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻 good for you OP!! What you said was perfect. Your friend’s DH is upset because he realises that he was being a complete arsehole. The thing he needs to do next is apologise for such xxx

Gregg is a knob… his wife is also a twat!
Well done you for sticking up for yourself OP. Sounds like a shitty ‘holiday’ to me. If they wanted babysitters, the SIX parents there should take it in turns to do so.

Please don't do this - you need to be very clear with them you are not in the wrong. You don't need to pass off your comment as a joke or justify it in any way at all you were perfectly entitled to make it.
Please don't be afraid to tell them how much they have upset you
With their comments you can babysit them all.
Dont let them off the hook. If you send your message you are letting them off

Your message was a little sharp but equally they shouldn’t be planning for you to babysit because you don’t have children. It’s also unfair for them to all arrange a trip without you whilst you’re all away because they think it’s just for kids, they should of asked you

The parents should babysit each others kids. That's what I have done in the past.

I wouldn’t pull out of the trip and enjoy NOT babysitting!
So sad, too bad for them if they thought you’d be up for it!

Your message was a little sharp
I didn’t get that tone, I thought it was quite light and breezy, especially considering what they were suggesting, whether it was meant as banter or not.

Wow what a pair of arseholes. Just because you’ve not managed to have children yet doesn’t make you childcare for other people’s so they can have a break. If they want a break why get a sitter a proper one.

I’ve got children and I still don’t want to watch any bugger else’s and wouldn’t dream of expecting or even asking my friends to watch them ever let alone one who they know is struggling with with ttc. Zero empathy zero respect zero brain cells.

Yes agree with this. Don't let them get away with it. Unless you make things clear it won't be a fun holiday anyway. Is it mainly this one couple making the comments?

Oh, been there with the fertility issues. It’s hell.

Also, your “friends” suddenly become smug f”ckers because they think they’re something special because they are fertile, even though the most fertile people I know are shocking parents 😒

I’d take a step back from these people and get support from others on the same path. You don’t need this crap. You need space to concentrate on your journey.

Your friend and her husband are both awful - who goes on holiday with people who are unwillingly childless and thinks it's ok to use them as unpaid babysitters??

Definitely message back that you can't see what he has to be upset about, when it's them that are being incredibly insensitive to your fertility issues, and then go and find yourself some better friends.

Best of luck TTC, it took us a long time and some miscarriages too, and it's really hard seeing everyone else getting on with their families (even when they're a damn sight more tactful than your so-called friends)!