For saying Im not auto childcare because I don't have children?

[Trainfortwoplease]

Background - DH and I have been trying for a while with no success, apart from a recent first trimester miscarriage.

We have a trip planned with another 3 couples, which I've really been looking forward to. All other couples have children, ranging from 6 months > 3 years old. Its not our first trip, usually a mix of walks/Sunday lunches and bbqs. It will be the first trip since the latest couple had their first DC. All couples know DH and I are trying.

In the last few weeks there have been comments about how I'll have the job of being responsible and getting all the mums home from the pub, how DH and I can babysit all the kids and let the parents have a night off and I recently found out they are planning a trip for just the other 3 (like a Disneyland), but DH and I aren't invited because "that doesn't seem our thing". We weren't asked, just told.

Today there was another joke that on the upcoming trip I'll be watching the kids while the rest are at the pub. I replied on our group message with "ha ha, no thanks. I might have fertility issues but I still want to enjoy the trip with you all".

My friend has now messaged me separately, saying ive upset her husband (who i was responding too).

I have no plans to apologise, aibu?

Also this!

Your husband sounds amazing, OP! Enjoy your trip!

100% this ☝️

@Trainfortwoplease no it’s not you, it’s them.

1. how presumptuous with all the babysitting “jokes”
2. How insensitive when they know full well you are trying and having difficulties
3. How embarrassing for the wife to message you on the behalf of the “delicate flower” husband - and outside the main group. I hate that sort of thing so much. If you have an issue and believe it’s justified, say it in the main group.

Please reply back and ask what he is upset about. Then mention how the “jokes” have impacted you.

Your friends sound thoughtless.

I hope things go well for you re: TTC 💐

No one should assume you are providing childcare, and deciding what is "your thing" without asking you is very high handed. Why should it be your job to make sure all the Mums get home from the pub-it's not as if you are pregnant and therefore can't drink. This holiday sounds as if you are basically being used, and someone getting upset when you speak up for yourself is a red flag- the text saying she knows you didn't mean it sounds like a Mum desperate not to lose free childcare because her husband is being difficult.
Personally I would make arrangements to go somewhere else just with your husband- these people do not sound like friends of yours.

If they’re making jokes about the parents doing one thing while you do another even when knowing you’re trying is just majorly insensitive. They sound like an awful group. The trip sounds awful. Do not apologise. The husband is pretending to be upset because he’s realised where they’ve all gone wrong. Attack is the best form of defence.

The correct response to anyone asking if you're free is "why do you ask?"

Omg 😳 these are supposed to be your friends?!
you need to find new friends!
Their behaviour is despicable and so insensitive!
They know you’re trying for a baby and their attitude is to use the fact that you don’t have kids and are perhaps not drinking much (maybe?) to their advantage??
To not invite you to the planned trip is so rude, and I would be reconsidering going in the trip, let them sort their own childcare

wtf!
she thinks you were “sharp” to say you’re not baby sitting??
entitled or what???

100% this

So it’s okay that 3 couples/families make plans and don’t include the one other couple in the group?
Sounds like these people are your type of friends, ignorant and insensitive

Omg please tell me she didn’t still go?!

It’s horrible when you find out friends have been making plans behind your back, especially when you thought you were a tight group.

Had a reunion with some antenatal group friends a couple of years back. Some of the group had moved away from the original town, so we’d all drifted a bit. Out came photos including some of a Halloween party in the house of the host of the reunion party. One of the others commented we weren’t in the photos. That’s because I didn’t know anything about it until then, twenty years later! Still hurts five years later.

Absolutely this.

This will likely be my last message. Its a long one but all the same I dont want to drag this thread out.

The apologetic couple came round, with flowers and chocolates and what felt like a genuine apology. They said they had no excuse for not thinking about how their comments sounded, knew they'd been insensitive and were ashamed for their part. The wife was especially contrite, and acknowledged if DH hadnt sent that message she would not have considered how those comments made me feel. Both said they didn't ever expect babysitting.

The other three wives have a group chat which I'm not on. It was started when some of their mat leave began to line up and was for arranging playdates etc but is now general chit chat. That was where the "Disney trip" first got mentioned and how it was planned without us knowing. Apologetic wife says at one point someone posted "its not trainfortwo's thing" and she assumed id opted out.

On the same chat, on Friday, the wife from the silent couple forwarded my DH's message with a along the lines of what an overreaction. Apologetic wife responded that she was mortified to think she'd upset us and the chat has been quiet since. She said she's not sure how she feels about their friendship going forward given their response.

We haven't heard from the silent couple, snd DH thinks we should both leave the group chat which I'm agree with.

Going forward, I'd like to try to cultivate a friendship with the couple who reached out but its definitely the end of my part in the wider group or group holidays. I'm glad I did say something in the end and really thankful for the advice here. I was making myself smaller trying to ignore it and now I feel so much better about it all.

Op well done for calling out the CF and you right about the apology couple. Sending lots of baby dust xxxx

Good for you, OP. Mortified couple sound like decent people, hopefully you can build a genuine friendship with them. I like that the wife stuck up for you on the group chat. Whatever happens, you’ve come out of this with your head held high. Wishing you all the best.

Horrible when a friendship ends, but you've done the right thing. I don't like these mini-whatsapp chat groups within the main one - nothing but trouble. Best wishes going forward @Trainfortwoplease

as an aside, @Kelly1969 no, she was quite upset and didn't go but of course didn't confront golden child.

Wishing you all the best.

It does amuse me that the silent wife thinks you overreacted given that none of this would have been said if she'd paused to think before complaining to you that her husband was upset

OP, well handled by you both.
The couple who apologised are the only two that I would see going forward.

The offended husband, his wife and the third wife who claimed an overreaction sound like awful people.

You really are well out of it.
Wishing you future happiness.

You need new friends.

The husband’s upset? What a cheek. He’s the one who should be apologising for his tactless comment. I think you should tell them exactly how inappropriate and hurtful their comments are. Find new friends

It’s a shame to lose friends in a way but they weren’t really friends to behave like that.
Anyone so self centered isn’t going to change, stick with the apologetic couple x
best wishes with your pregnancy quest, hopefully it will happen for you soon xxx

The silent wife needs to consider whether she would think it an 'overreaction' if she was struggling to have children and other people had posted these comments to her. Or whether, actually, she might have found it hurtful.

Perhaps she lacks any empathy at all, in which case you are well off without them. As a general rule, I think if someone says 'you've upset me' the first thing to do is to examine whether you have actually been insensitive - not accuse them of overreacting. Maybe put yourself in their shoes.

Silent couple are cowardly. Gregg and Mrs Gregg are entitled arseholes.