For saying Im not auto childcare because I don't have children?

[Trainfortwoplease]

Background - DH and I have been trying for a while with no success, apart from a recent first trimester miscarriage.

We have a trip planned with another 3 couples, which I've really been looking forward to. All other couples have children, ranging from 6 months > 3 years old. Its not our first trip, usually a mix of walks/Sunday lunches and bbqs. It will be the first trip since the latest couple had their first DC. All couples know DH and I are trying.

In the last few weeks there have been comments about how I'll have the job of being responsible and getting all the mums home from the pub, how DH and I can babysit all the kids and let the parents have a night off and I recently found out they are planning a trip for just the other 3 (like a Disneyland), but DH and I aren't invited because "that doesn't seem our thing". We weren't asked, just told.

Today there was another joke that on the upcoming trip I'll be watching the kids while the rest are at the pub. I replied on our group message with "ha ha, no thanks. I might have fertility issues but I still want to enjoy the trip with you all".

My friend has now messaged me separately, saying ive upset her husband (who i was responding too).

I have no plans to apologise, aibu?

Love how some people think they’re doing you a favour by ‘letting’ you babysit their kids. I’m reminded of that heinous little thread recently that implied that childless people should get less support in old age because they haven’t made the ‘sacrifice’ of having kids. Perhaps those of us with no kids (for whatever reason) need to start withdrawing our ‘village’ labour if that’s the way attitudes are headed . . .

I’m sorry about your struggles, OP. I’m sorry that you’ve met with such cruelty from your friends, too.

How have you upset the wall flower; stopped his plans for an all out piss up Christ a live he needs to man up grow a pair; a spine & a brain cell & stop being such a fucking flaccid lettuce x

The original message came across to me as, you're being expected to PAY to go on a trip where it's assumed you will provide UNPAID work in form of FREE childcare, to your friends, without ever being asked or having in any way agreed to provide this service. As well as the insensitivity of your situation, why the hell would anyone agree to that?

If your so-called friends want/need childcare while on the trip, they should have thought that through and made plans for themselves. They could hire someone in country if that's an option, or one of the couple takes turns which shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone with kids.

You don't just assume the single person in the group is going to turn up and be responsible for providing unpaid work (childcare). You should assume any suggestion of that sort will be met with the laughter it deserves.

Also it signs like it's been assumed you as the woman will provide unpaid labour, rather than your partner. Or mostly you. WTF.

Seriously I wouldn’t be going he sounds like a right idiot and sounds like they’re all wanting to let their hair down and cos you can let yours down whenever you like you’re the designated childcare . Err noo

I know you have stepped away from the thread OP - but just in case you do come back I wanted to agree that you have been completely rational and reasonable in your reactions and response to your friends. You and your DHs fertility issues have been treated insensitivity by your friends, and whether they mean to or not your childlessness has become the butt of their jokes - and possibly reason to exploit for free childcare whilst on holiday you are also paying for. I’m so sorry for your baby losses and heartache and I’m so sorry your friends have treated you so terribly. Your DH sounds so supportive though and you sound like a good team. Wishing you all the luck x

This. Genuinely sounds a
bit ridiculous.

Yeah, it’s only ever a joke when the joke‘s on someone else. Thin-skinned little so-and-so. It’s not OP’s fault he’s not happy with the decisions he made.

I would comment this as well.

Don't burn all your friendship. Let the Greg's go but when you get pregnant you may want some support from the nicer couples. Good luck xx

This.

You haven't upset her husband, he's embarrassed about being so insensitive.

Do you HAVE to go with them? I’d be inclined to say that as it’s going to be a ‘family’ holiday you’re making your own plans, and go somewhere else.

Yanbu. Good for you speaking up. Infertility in the face of such blatant tactlessness must be incredibly painful. Hopefully the friendship with others is salvageable.

I'd just say you don't really want to make a big deal of it and say that you don't know if they can appreciate how hard it is to miscarry or struggle to have children as you know they also have the challenges of bringing up young family and maybe to them the child free life seems peaceful or fun. When it gets to being the butt of jokes or have someone being offensive to you and claiming YOU upset THEM when it's really the other way around then it's clear the friendship isn't actually a friendship and you aren't able to go on pretending to be OK with it.

@Trainfortwoplease I hope the meet up with the couple who came to see you went ok. Been thinking about you

Her message was not at all sharp…

I thought you were going to say that had messaged you to say sorry to you! Not that you had upset her other half. They are being very insensitive X

Perfect response.

Gregg and Mrs Gregg can both eff off, cheeky sods!

Reading your updates OP, and I'm very glad at least one of the couples have realised how tactless they've been.

This has just given me a flashback to a family holiday when my xDH (no kids) & I offered to stay in the villa one night to babysit while the others all went out for a meal to a very fancy place nearby that we’d all wanted to go to but you couldn’t take kids (two couples, both with 2 kids each & a single man). When they came back they deliberately set out to wind us up by telling us what an incredible time they’d had. They’d had delicious food and drink, met Hollywood stars etc. and were laughing at us when we expressed disappointment that we’d missed it. They’d didn’t say thanks for babysitting and when we said ‘ok, good for you, your kids have cried, puked etc’ they laughed harder and admitted they’d made it all up to get a rise out of us. I was dumbfounded, people who I thought were very close family had been deliberately mean for a laugh. I questioned my reaction but couldn’t square it. We eventually divorced and I was able to cut them all out. Some people are just horrid and don’t mentally move past school gangs mentality.

It sounds more insensitive that they want you to baby sit knowing your fertility issues

Your responses were perfectly reasonable. Their ongoing jokes were very inconsiderate knowing you were having fertility issues.
I've been in the position of being unable to conceive and those kind of comments cut, maybe not deeply but shallow cuts each time.

I hope your lunch with the other couple today wasn't too awkward. I'm glad they reached out and apologised. (As couple 1 should have too.)

Also glad your dh didn't take anymore and pulled out of the trip for you both. I hope you enjoy your intended break wherever you choose.

Sorry but these people are mistaking your desire to have children to thinking that means that you are desperate to look after their children whether or not you want to.
It suits them to think this way and they clearly are using your fertility issues as an excuse to abandon their children on you. How dare someone get upset because you are not happy to let them dictate what you can and can't do because they expect free childcare. I can't believe these people are your friends. Maybe you need to stick up for yourself or get new friends.

Exactly. He is upset because he planned on dumping his kids on you and also making you the designated driver. They can all get themselves back to the campsite. I wouldn't be going on a trip with these "friends".

OMG how dare they think just because you dont “yet” have children you would want to miss out on fun and look after theirs! And as for upsetting “Gregg” what a load of nonsense. These “friends” need to look at themselves and stop being so selfish