Post wedding drama

[freklefacexo]

Ok. So last Saturday was my wedding. After the reception the organizer cleared the venue and gave ALL flowers to my in-laws to take home for us. Bridal bouquet , 5 bridemaids , flower girl and table decor. Plus 2 bags of left over decor. The next morning I went to collect everything from their house and my MIL only gave me 2 bags of decor and no flowers. I asked her is this all you have , I wonder where all my flowers have gone. She said I don’t know I only have these 2 bags of decorations. Fast forward 5 days to Thursday and I go to her house to pick up FILs suit. And sure enough there are all my flowers laid out in 7 or eight different vases. By this time they were all dying. She claims she forgot she had them. So she forgot by enjoying them for 5 full days before handing me my dead bridal bouquet? I really wanted to do something special with the bouquet and I can’t help be so angry at her for keeping all my flowers and not saying a word to me. Whilst I’m thinking they have been lost. AIBU for being upset ? I don’t plan on having a massive argument it I’d really like to bring it up and let her know she’s hurt me.

Now you know your worth it really is up to you what you do with that information..
You hold the cards here..
Backing away and taking dd with me would be my path..
Dh is obviously welcome to see her whenever suits him. Your dd is half yours remember.. Mil needs to remember she will be half like you. Is mil going to be happy with that??
Not your worry. Dh can show her photos should he choose...

What an awful woman. Sad really as you soumd like a DIL anyone would be proud to have.

Sounds just like my Mil. She played all sorts of tricks and mind games. She acts like kindness itself to outsiders but behind the mask...

My DH was not so supportive of me but I did not want her having contact with my girls, unlike you. The final straw was her favouring my eldest dd and not wanting to see dd2 and she was noticing. It was time to break the cycle of psychological abuse.

That is just nasty on your MIL. You could've had your flowers pressed and processed so you could've kept them. Selfish. All she had to do was pick up the phone and tell you she had them. She wanted to keep them! If your handed a load of bags for someone to keep save, you generally keep them all together no and you know for sure the difference between 2 and 5 bags. I would be so angry!

I would really grill her about it and not be so accepting OP. She is taking advantage of your passivity. Lying to your faces it seems. And has form for this.
Before deciding what to do after this latest incident, I would really have the uncomfortable discussion with her so that she can’t wriggle out of it and you get to the truth. Keep it calm, but keep pushing for the truth. I really think it’s important to do this. Otherwise how can you ever trust her again…especially with your child.

Ok MIL, it was a mistake. So at what point did you realise your mistake and why didn’t you contact us to apologise and say you had made that mistake. You can’t deny I came here to collect them so you knew I wanted them. You just didn’t think? Ok, so MIL, I’m not going to brush this incident under the carpet until you explain to me why it didn’t occur to you, so just humour me and put my mind at rest if you can as we are really upset about all this.
Where were the flowers put when they were dropped off at your house and who put them there? What instructions were given? Why did you insist that you didn’t have them the next morning? Had you not walked past them? Or been told they were there. Didn’t you double check that you didn’t have them after I came for them? Why were you so quick to tell me you didn’t have them without checking.?
Were they put in water? Who put them in water? Who put them in vases and arranged them around the house? And all that time you were doing that, you say you didn’t notice them or think to tell me you had made a mistake and now had them.?
Did you decide not to tell me or did you forget to tell me? Or did you want to have them for yourself so much that you only thought about yourself and didn’t care that they belonged to us and were important to us.
MIL, you do know don’t you, that decent people make mistakes but then always apologise with sincerity and try to explain. And then other people lie for reasons only known to them. We don’t want to think badly of you …we love you …but you don’t have any coherent explanation. Can you understand why we think it’s not normal/possible to make this kind of mistake.
Why would you lie to us MiL. You had a lovely day with us and then wanted to spoil it with this so called mistake? Did you think we wouldn’t ask more about this mistake?
Did you really think you could get away with calling this a mistake?
You weren’t telling lies at any stage? Ok so you need to make an appointment with the doctor as your memory is seriously failing you and we need to take care of that problem. We will enquire with the rest of the family to see if they can throw any light on this incident and also to see if they have any other similar reports of you losing your memory. We need to get to the bottom of this serious problem and won’t rest until we have done so. So let’s work together and see if anybody else can jog your memory a bit.

@freklefacexo- I’m really sorry to hear what happened and no good suggestions about what to say or do about the MIL.

However - I do have a good suggestion re the flowers. If you used a florist they will almost definitely still have some of the selection you had in your bouquet. I’m one, and we rarely use all the flowers ordered due to the multiples we have to buy, and the amount of stems sold (e.g might need 15 roses, but they’re sold in wraps of 10, so we have 5 left).

Contact them as soon as you can and either get a replacement bouquet which you can preserve/ dry or just a selection of the same ones to enjoy at home yourself.

Oh, I missed that somehow 🤦🏼‍♀️

Do they have a child? I missed that info too 🤣

You learned you can’t trust mil to be honest so always keep that in mind. Otherwise, this is not something you need to lose sleep over. Instead , enjoy your new husband.

OP says "We have a 20 month old daughter"

You can filter to just read the OP's posts.

There was nothing else I could do except accept they were lost.

This is the bit I don't understand. If you knew she had form for that sort of thing why didn't you keep insisting (ask her if she's accusing the venue of lying), or send your husband round to have a look?

I agree with others, you shouldn't just let this ride. She needs to understand just how appalling her behaviour is (I mean it's theft at the end of the day). Make it absolutely clear that you need a proper apology and some sort of restitution.

This is lovely and so thoughtful, OP. You are clearly different to her, and wonderful that your now husband totally knows what she’s like.

So her behaviour is not new, but yes, this was a really low blow. Especially after your thoughtful flower gesture!!

MiL won’t change. You just have to decide on the boundaries and amount/sort of contact you have. Just watch out for the harm/influence MiL ends up having on your children, because she will.

Honestly, she sounds worse with every update. She is an absolute horror of a MIL.

She didn't hurt you OP, she's not gone after your feelings or character.

What she is, is a liar and a thief who stole from you, and you feel very let down to discover this.

You've got her cards marked now though. When someone shows you who they are - believe them.

Wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her from now on.

Well said.

Let us know how it plays out - it's always good to see a skanky thief get their comeuppance.

I have a neighbour I don't actually know very well apart from the community bingo at sheltered housing.She called me out of the blue at 8.30 am last Sunday. "Her words were do you know why I am calling .?My Daughter dumped me out of the car at airport and I haven't done anything.Ive 2 heavy suitcases." I presume she wanted me to pick her up.!My reply was Im sorry but you'll have to get a taxi .Before I could explain why she hung up the phone.Not that I should have to explain myself but I just wouldn't drive as I had been at a friend's party night before and had a couple of drinks .(I never drive the day after I have a drink ) .The fact is it's made me feel terrible that I didn't go for her.Im just so angry shes made me feel bad about it .Should I have gone for her .?

Sorry to say this, but you need to get that marriage annulled now. If this is the behavior your MIL is exhibiting immediately, it will ONLY get worse. I don't know how long you have known your husband, but he will likely have the same characteristics. Save yourself a ton of grief and stress and get out of this now and please for Gods sake, don't have a kid with him! You are likely young (20-30something) You don't need to be legally married, all this does is entangle you on every level. You'll be so much better and happier on your own. I know women feel they "need" a man to be happy, but trust me, you DO NOT! Please do yourself a huge favor and get this annulled! You can still stay with him, if you wanted to after this, but you don't need to tangle yourself up with a narcissistic MIL to do it!

When my son got married, he went back into the dining room of the hotel where we had the reception and where all the flowers were. He went back after the event was over and found that all the flowers had been taken by someone, presumably staff.
I think the message is to be really clear, if you're arranging a wedding, that you do want the flowers kept.
I know this doesn't relate directly to OP's post, except regarading disappearing wedding flowers, which are very expensive.

Are you serious?

My mother-in-law always used to do ridiculous, mean things to me, like buying a Christmas present for everyone except for me, and we all sat round and opened them, but every year she 'forgot' to get one for me.
I get how hurtful it is and in my case, it was definitely jealousy-based. I think these things are more hurtful when you are a younger adult.
The only thing I can say is, over the years, I discovered what an unhappy, troubled person my MIL was.
Perhaps yours is too?

An update from myself the OP. We confronted her, my DH and I together . Calmly but said what we wanted to say. She couldn’t really give us straight answers , maintained it was a mistake , then went on to say she doesn’t know why she did it. I’ve decided that’s fine, it’s a lesson for the future . She’s made her bed, contact will be minimal and I know not to trust her with anything like that in the future. On the positive side ,
my husband and I were a team. He was there , supportive and by my side, he understood why I was upset. Going forward we know what she’s like. That’s it now, time to get over it and move on with a new lesson learned from it all. Her loss and that’s ok.

I'm so glad that your DH had your back on this. And like you say, her loss going forwards.

Well done OP.
I think in time you will realise she did you a favour, even though it was very upsetting.

Things could have limped on for the next decade with her chipping away at you.

By doing something so ugly and nasty, so completely unacceptable, she has made it much easier for you to step back permanently and move forward, knowing you need not waste any further time on her or the relationship.

I really wouldn't want her around my precious children.

Every good wish for your future.
Knowledge and clarity are power.

If you had read all of OP's posts, you would see that her DH is nothing like his mother. OP has said:

'My husband is brilliant and always has my back.'

Her MIL's behaviour is dreadful and what she did with OP's wedding flowers is just the tip of the iceberg but your suggestion that she gets the marriage annulled is ridiculous. Plus, she already has a child with him.

She knows exactly why she did it. She just didn’t expect to be called out.

At least your husband understands and sees what she is like.

I would still be billing her for them.