Post wedding drama

[freklefacexo]

Ok. So last Saturday was my wedding. After the reception the organizer cleared the venue and gave ALL flowers to my in-laws to take home for us. Bridal bouquet , 5 bridemaids , flower girl and table decor. Plus 2 bags of left over decor. The next morning I went to collect everything from their house and my MIL only gave me 2 bags of decor and no flowers. I asked her is this all you have , I wonder where all my flowers have gone. She said I don’t know I only have these 2 bags of decorations. Fast forward 5 days to Thursday and I go to her house to pick up FILs suit. And sure enough there are all my flowers laid out in 7 or eight different vases. By this time they were all dying. She claims she forgot she had them. So she forgot by enjoying them for 5 full days before handing me my dead bridal bouquet? I really wanted to do something special with the bouquet and I can’t help be so angry at her for keeping all my flowers and not saying a word to me. Whilst I’m thinking they have been lost. AIBU for being upset ? I don’t plan on having a massive argument it I’d really like to bring it up and let her know she’s hurt me.

Nah. Relationships go both ways. She is not the boss of this one.
Op has married her son and has her grandchild. They are a new family . MIL has no claim to it, her relationship is with her son as his mother. Everything else needs her put effort in as with any new situation.

It’s bad form on her behalf and I’d be rightly piss.
1 suggestion on your bridal bouquet, if it’s still intact put it in a dark dry place for a few months.
I did that for mine and it dried out perfectly and could be displayed as a dry flower arrangement

Over a bunch of expensive flowers seriously have u left high school yet goodness sake grow up n move on

What a cow

some people are honestly such pieces of work! What does your husband say?

Don't be so ridiculous and dismissive. Her MIL stole OP's wedding flowers that OP and her DH had paid for (MIL made no contribution to the wedding). There were enough flower to fill 8 vases and OP's MIL initially lied to her face by telling OP that she didn't have them and then later said that she forgot that she had them.

OP has said that she has always been toxic and hopefully she will follow the advice of the majority of posters to stop seeing her and certainly to stop facilitating the relationship between her MIL and OP's daughter.

ITS HER WEDDING FLOWERS….. which cost likely hundreds and hundreds of pounds……Its not just a bunch of flowers from the corner shop. Which she also asked if she had and the MIL barefaced lied….. of course she is in her right to be upset!!!! And to say her piece on how she feels about it!

Only incredibly rude, selfish and self centered people would keep someone’s wedding flowers without being told expressly they can!

I never understand the efforts to preserve the relationship with an ugly person.

She is really nasty and yet you give her access to your child.
You are so wrong to do that.
So wrong.

Your job as a parent is to protect your child from people who are awful, that includes family.

Rethink contact.
Your child deserves better than this.
She is not to be trusted.

Gosh, that's embarrassing (on her part). Robbed your new DIL's wedding flowers 🤦🏻‍♀️

Congratulations on your wedding and wonderful husband. As long as he has your back and you have his, that's all you'll need ❤️

The only U bit in this is that you should protect your daughter from personalities like this. Access, yes. Freedom to forge whatever relationship your MIL wants, without careful supervision - no.

Is it really only me that thinks it's entirely possible she's telling the truth? As you say, why would she do this on purpose? And is this really the way you want to start your marriage?

If the vases were spread out all over the house it would be one thing, but if they were all together in one room is it not plausible that she put them there and then forgot about them with everything else that was going on?

After 5 days they usually have dropped and deteriorated anyway

She’s a liar and a thief.
The gall to do something like that is shocking.
I read your subsequent replies that she has form. It is good that your husband is being supportive about this. I’m sorry she did this. I would keep her at arms length. She clearly can’t be trusted.

WTF her living room would’ve looked like Kew Gardens how could she ignore she had them. What a horror, I’d be livid.

I’m furious for you. My Monster in Law pulled various stunts on our wedding day 34 years ago. Didn’t pay a penny towards the wedding ,told my DH if we didn’t have his two married sisters as bridesmaids none of the family would come to the wedding. Awful, entitled behaviour on the day culminating with her piling all the table flowers into her car without asking. My DM had intended to give these to aunties and godmothers.

She didn’t improve and wasn’t allowed near our kids unless one of us was in the same room to monitor. Nasty nasty behaviour.

It feels like a big deal now, but it's just flowers. Don't let it ruin your wedding, memories or relationship with mil. Honestly, you will not care about flowers later, probably just feels like a big deal now as wedding was recently and emotions high.

Enjoy the good memories!

Also, rather than thinking she's an awful person like some have, I read your post and genuinely thought it sounded like she'd probably not realised she had bags of flowers, then likely found them/realised when they were half dead in bags, and probably tried to salvage them.

Her gift to you on the occasion of your marriage, OP, is the gift of knowledge. Like a wicked fairy, she has demonstrated beyond all doubt that she is not to be trusted, she will tell bare faced lies to your face and she wishes you active harm. I do not say these things lightly.

This is her gift to you, so make sure you use it wisely.

If you cannot trust her with your flowers, you certainly should not be so nonchalant as to the prospect of her harming your daughter with her nastiness. Full marks for trying OP, genuinely, but this situation is so far gone that you, and to an extent your husband, are sounding like a real wet blanket.

This stops now. Stop tolerating her behaviour.

Furthermore, since she has given you such a precious gift, I would consider it far too valuable not to share. Calmly and dispassionately, quietly ensure that all guests at the wedding are aware of her behaviour. She is a public menace.

See this as your green light not to tolerate any bad behaviour from her. I'm sorry she is like this. Good luck. x

That really is some horrible BS. To keep your bouquet from you is totally vile and wrong. And to deny that they had the flowers??!!
Yikes.
The silver lining: you know who they are now. And you don't have to put any effort whatsoever into spending any time or energy on them.
I think in this case I would absolutely tell your spouse that this is unacceptable and you expect his backing on this - and to tell them in writing that what the MIL did was hurtful and unkind. And if they want to go any way to making things right they will, at the very least, get you a replacement bouquet. It won't be the same but hey - put them on the spot to see if they actually want to make amends.

No way. There is no way you "forget" about having someone's wedding bouquet!!! Especially after the Bride specifically asks you. That's total nonsense.

I'd just say, "I'd hoped when we had children you would be part of their lives but I can see that's not going to be possible now".

OP has said that her MIL has always been toxic but that she has bent over backwards to ensure that her daughter has a relationship with her. It has hardly paid off in terms improving their relationship if her MIL then steals hundreds of pounds worth of wedding flowers and then lies about it to OP's face.

Some relationships aren't worth maintaining or saving and most posters think that this relationship can't be salvaged.

If OP decides to pull back from the relationship and no longer facilitates her MIL's relationship with her daughter, her MIL will be the loser and it will be her own fault.

Learn from this. Never trust MIL implicitly.

Take up your husband's idea and accept him ordering another bouquet just the same. Have it proffessionally dried and framed.

But OP has said in later posts:

'She’s done similar things in the past and thanks to his supprt I’ve always been able to ignore but this was really hurtful and I can’t get over this so quickly'

'she pulls stunts like this all the time. My husband is brilliant and always has my back. There’s been so many times I’ve distanced myself for a month or 2 but this was really hurtful. We have been together 9 years and she’s always been the same to be honest.'

This isn't a well-meaning MIL who makes a few mistakes. This is a toxic person and it is far more likely that she took the flowers without asking and then lied about it than she took 8 vases' worth of wedding flowers by accident without realising what she had done.

You are bending over backwards to exonerate this obviously toxic woman from any wrongdoing or malicious intent.

A few years ago now a friend of mine was getting married the bride and groom were not going home on the wedding night so I spoke to her husband to be a few weeks before the wedding and we arranged between us that I would gather all the flowers and any decor in the early evening of the reception the groom gave me the house key and I nipped out of the wedding reception and done a beautiful display for them my friend and her husband were so grateful when they got home and seen the display.

Unless there’s dementia/Alzheimer’s which I don’t believe there is why would anyone do that to anyone let alone your DIL I really hope your husband backs you up on this and speaks to his awful mother.

I understand your thinking with this but please make sure you are having conversations with your daughter. I found out that my MIL had been speaking awful about me to my daughters. One felt unsure the other was a mess as she knew it was lies but wasn’t sure how to answer it. I’m divorced now and my MIL is so happy and this is after decades.