Post wedding drama

[freklefacexo]

Ok. So last Saturday was my wedding. After the reception the organizer cleared the venue and gave ALL flowers to my in-laws to take home for us. Bridal bouquet , 5 bridemaids , flower girl and table decor. Plus 2 bags of left over decor. The next morning I went to collect everything from their house and my MIL only gave me 2 bags of decor and no flowers. I asked her is this all you have , I wonder where all my flowers have gone. She said I don’t know I only have these 2 bags of decorations. Fast forward 5 days to Thursday and I go to her house to pick up FILs suit. And sure enough there are all my flowers laid out in 7 or eight different vases. By this time they were all dying. She claims she forgot she had them. So she forgot by enjoying them for 5 full days before handing me my dead bridal bouquet? I really wanted to do something special with the bouquet and I can’t help be so angry at her for keeping all my flowers and not saying a word to me. Whilst I’m thinking they have been lost. AIBU for being upset ? I don’t plan on having a massive argument it I’d really like to bring it up and let her know she’s hurt me.

Thanks for the update. Totally unacceptable and vindictive. I could not forgive this. Don’t argue or engage, just don’t deal with her or speak to her. If you husband wants to see her, he goes without you.

she pulls stunts like this all the time. My husband is brilliant and always has my back. There’s been so many times I’ve distanced myself for a month or 2 but this was really hurtful. We have been together 9 years and she’s always been the same to be honest .
i normally just ignore but this was a big one

Wow, she's a sneaky one! Selfish. Cruel. A liar, obviously.

These were not her flowers to keep and to refuse to give them to you when you came to collect them and then later feign ignorance is about manipulative as it gets it.

I would limit all contact with this toxic woman. Imagine the crap she will pull with future grandchildren!

They weren't hers to keep.

She sounds like an absolute horror OP. Good luck.

I wish you the very best of luck having this one as your mil for the next God knows how many years. If this is the way she starts off, it's going to be hard going.

Why should you get over it quickly?

What's hurtful about distancing yourself?

If she's a lying bag, you know exactly where you're at. You don't have to be nice to her. You can actually love her knowing she's a right nasty piece of work, it's just the way she is....

Can you buy them again (I know it won’t be the same) and send the bill to her…? That might make her think twice in future. What a horrible woman. (Your DH sounds lovely though; congratulations on your marriage.)

We have a 20 month old daughter. It’s been tough. My husband and I decided early on that regardless of what we think of her we will let our daughter decide what she thinks of her when she’s older, so we have always given access and helped them build a relationship with her. It’s been really tough for me but I can’t fault my husband . He’s been on the ball from day one. If I’m really honest I think it’s abit of jealousy. There’s nothing to be jealous of I’m just a normal woman like anyone else but I just get this feeling

I did cross my mind lol but I really want to try rise above doing that for my husbands sake. I know this must be hurting him inside I just wish she wouldn’t act like this.

I don't know why people think that it's a good thing to expose children to toxic people just because they're grandparents

Yeah I would ask your DH to replace your bouquet and I would do with that whatever you intended to do with the original. It will be a nice reminder for you of your wedding day and a warning to your MIL every time she saw it! Mine is dried and framed.

I would also go low contact with her and leave your DH to facilitate everything moving on.

What a horrible thing she did!

If your DH replaces the bouquet it can come out of whatever you were going to spend on her Christmas present (if you were getting her one that is!) If you bill her she'll probably refuse to pay for her "mistake"

I would allow your husband to replace the bouquet for framing. Then it’s not just a memory of your wedding day, it’s a memory of how he defended you and supported you.

I understand the desire to make sure your daughter has her grandmother, some people are terrible parents and great grandparents but I would keep a very close eye on it and make your boundaries very clear.

I’d encourage your DH to be having a very direct face to face conversation with her in the light of this telling her that if she envisages a happy ongoing family life and regular opportunities to see her grandchildren she needs to behave accordingly.

It’s not good for your DD so see her mother treated poorly and she will notice as she grows older.

Meantime I would make sure she never ever has the opportunity to do anything similar in future. Don’t give her responsibility for looking after/delivering or buying anything of importance.

Absolutely BIZARRE...

Replace it and charge her.

I can't even fathom the mindset. You are likely in for a lifetime of this bullshit though so id be VERY alert

Petrol station flowers for her birthday 5 days afterwards from now on until the day she dies.

The scuzziest ones left.

What are you going to do when she steals your kid's stuff because she wants it?

By letting a lying thief have a relationship with your kid, you're teaching your kid that thieving liar is a safe person. But she's not at all safe.

I'd pull you and your kid back completely now. Husband can have whatever relationship he wants with his thieving mom. But that will not involve you or your kid. He can't talk to you about her, she's dead to you.

Absolutely BIZARRE...

Replace it and charge her.

I can't even fathom the mindset. You are likely in for a lifetime of this bullshit though so I'd be VERY alert.

She wouldn't be having unsupervised access to my child...

Please do not do this.

Aside from being pathetically passive aggressive and ageist it is majorly insulting and insensitive to anyone who affected by actual dementia.

Absolutely, keep your baby safe! She sounds like the sort who will be getting the little one haircuts/getting her ears pierced because SHE wants to control things...

I think it was confident and principled if you to view the future like this but the problem is that now she has outright lied to both you and your DH.

That means you can never ever trust her to be alone or have sole supervision with your child.

I often think MIL get a raw deal on here. Not this time!

Be careful with your DC OP, by trying to be reasonable and ‘do the right thing’ you may end up allowing her to be mean to your child or try to plant ideas in your DCs head. Don’t underestimate the enormity of what she has just done and how far she will go.

Massive bit of territory marking and very deliberate on the part of your MiL, and she has form. TBH I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of a further reaction or much further interaction. I agree with others, as much as possible grey rock, polite, brief, emotionless responses to her, as you might treat an irritating colleague, and no unsupervised access to grandchildren as she has demonstrated she isn’t trustworthy.

I can see a scenario as mentioned upthread of her constantly acting against what she knows is important to you for your DC. It happened to a friend of mine; her MiL constantly overrode her rules; cut her DD’s hair, friend is a dentist so MiL made sure she gave the DC massive amounts of sweets, made sure she identified her DiL’s sensible rules then did everything in her power to go against them. The list of her behaviours is too long for here. It started with small scale digs and ended with my friend and her DH deciding to leave the UK and live near her parents in Sydney (the MiL is in the UK). The rhetoric for anyone who will listen is that she is a poor abandoned victim who has been denied a relationship with her grandchildren and the DiL she adored.

What’s your FiL like? I wonder if she is MiL to others and if so whether this is the kind of thing she does/has done to others?

oh i would be making zero effort for her to be seeing any child of mine.

In fact, i would be doing my best for it never to happen.