Post wedding drama

[freklefacexo]

Ok. So last Saturday was my wedding. After the reception the organizer cleared the venue and gave ALL flowers to my in-laws to take home for us. Bridal bouquet , 5 bridemaids , flower girl and table decor. Plus 2 bags of left over decor. The next morning I went to collect everything from their house and my MIL only gave me 2 bags of decor and no flowers. I asked her is this all you have , I wonder where all my flowers have gone. She said I don’t know I only have these 2 bags of decorations. Fast forward 5 days to Thursday and I go to her house to pick up FILs suit. And sure enough there are all my flowers laid out in 7 or eight different vases. By this time they were all dying. She claims she forgot she had them. So she forgot by enjoying them for 5 full days before handing me my dead bridal bouquet? I really wanted to do something special with the bouquet and I can’t help be so angry at her for keeping all my flowers and not saying a word to me. Whilst I’m thinking they have been lost. AIBU for being upset ? I don’t plan on having a massive argument it I’d really like to bring it up and let her know she’s hurt me.

As she has form, and your husband and you are in agreement about her bad behaviour, I think in your place I would say (or write) very calmly and coldly that she has hurt you deeply, by offering to help and then using that offer which you took to be in good faith, as a way of stealing your flowers- which not only did you pay £££ for and wanted to enjoy or to gift as you chose, but you also wanted to make a special keepsake from.

I would use the word ‘stealing’. Don’t let her brush it off as some sort of accident. She stole them.

Then I would say (or write) ‘it seems that I cannot trust you to act in my interests, but instead you take every opportunity to do me down or injure me in some way. As a result I won’t be in contact with you, because I don’t want someone I cannot trust to be in my life. This also applies to my daughter.’

And mean it. Take space until you feel you can move on (that may be never). She doesn’t sound like she’ll be much of a loss.

Not read the whole thread but I would brightly tell her you have already bought her Christmas/birthday present. It's a replacement bouquet and it's good she kept the original because she's already enjoyed it. You can take a photograph of it to give her to open on Xmas/birthday if you're feeling generous.

No one forgets they have an entire weddings worth of flowers in their house. What a nasty piece of work.

Outrageous OP, you must be so hurt.
Please don't show your daughter that it's ok for people to treat you (and her father) with such malice.
Your MIL doesn't deserve a relationship with either of you.

This behaviour is actually quite unsettling and I wouldn’t trust her with my kid after that. It’s like she was actually trying to sabotage your memory of the day in some way…

Please be careful not to let her have your DD overnight or babysit. I guarantee she will be planting poison in her ear about you…

Low contact or even no contact is the best option in my opinion.

This is your husband's opportunity to set the tone for the rest of your marriage and show that you come first. He needs to be the one to deal with his Mum.

Absolute brass neck on her?! If I did steal the flowers (not that I would) I wouldn't be stupid enough to display them in my home where the person I robbed would see them.

The only way it could have been acceptable is if she said as soon as you came that she was hoping to keep a couple if they was OK with you. Obviously not the actual bridal ones as they'd be very personal to you.

I honestly think it's almost too cringe to even say anything further. She must already surely be mortified when you clocked them in her house. But she deserves to feel that way.

I'd probably not be speaking to her at all until she issued an apology and either money or some replacement flowers.

At my daughter's wedding we'd arranged to share the flower costs with the previous bride, i.e all use the same flowers (apart from the bouquet). When we arrived at the church for the wedding, all the flowers had been removed and it turned out they'd been taking to the other bride's reception venue. Fortunately my daughter didn't even notice - she was no bridezilla. The fripperies don't matter, but you do at least now have an insight into your MIL's character, and I'm glad your husband is so supportive of you.

You took a gamble with something so precious seeing as she has form for awful behaviour. You'll know now to to trust her with anything, including your DD.

For extra passive aggressive points, put the photo in a fridge magnet.

It's very difficult to see this as anything other than targeted aggression. I'm sorry, she sounds horrid.

You are NOT letting your daughter "decide what she thinks of her when she’s older". You are encouraging your daughter to build a relationship with a woman who could decide tomorrow to hurt her. You are facilitating a woman who has been twisting the knife into you for years. And when your daughter is older, if she's got eyes she will see how how this woman treats you and she will wonder why you and her dad thought it acceptable to expose her to such a spiteful woman.

Allowing this woman access to your daughter will send very mixed messages to your daughter - such as 'it's OK to be a complete cow to my mum'. Or 'if my future husband's mother treats me abominably, I have to put up and shut up because that's what my mum did.' Is this really what your daughter to come to believe?

"She’s done similar things in the past and thanks to his supprt I’ve always been able to ignore but this was really hurtful and I can’t get over this so quickly"
Don't even try to get over it. It sounds to me like this woman wants to get under your skin, wants to punish you, and if you 'get over it' all she will do is up the ante, and find something even more hurtful to do to you. So don't get over it and remove yourself permanently from her sphere. Remove your daughter too, before it dawns on her that the best way to hurt you is through your daughter - because believe me, it will dawn on her eventually.

Please don’t be upset, yes it’s your wedding bouquet but they are just flowers that your amazing husband has offered to buy again so you can replicate.

the most important thing from all of this is the evidence your husband has your back. You are no.1 in his eyes and he has seen the true colours of your MIL. She has shown her form and you will forever have this evidence of her sly and jealous behaviour.

your strong relationship is worth far more than flowers.

If anyone ever asks me what my late ex-mother-in-law was like, I can only describe her as a sanctimonious, judgemental, vile, toxic old harpy.

Your mother-in-law may not quite be there yet, but by your own admission she has always been horrid. Great that your husband sticks up for you, but don't underestimate the amount of damage that this sort of dynamic can do to your marriage. My husband was a mummy's boy, which is a massive part of why the marriage failed. For God's sake keep your DC away from her.

I mean, she’s been a Nob, but as the wedding is done now I really don’t think it’s worth the argument. Don’t risk your future relationship with her; it’ll only cause hassle for you.

I'd be furious. Many people have their bouquet etc preserved and display their flowers themselves.

She effectively stole them. Nasty nasty thing to do.

It’s a relationship where the OP is victimised by her MiL. Not much of a relationship tbh!

What a horrible thing to do I'm furious just reading this

I would simply say: “Really MIL stealing wedding flowers is an extraordinary way to behave” and dismiss the “mistake” nonsense with a snort.

Sorry if already been mentioned but oh my what fun l would have when the wedding pics came.
You: Hi MIL, the pics have arrived for your framed picture and your album.
MIL: Yes come round immediately and show me all of them so l can choose.
You: Oh no l think I've accidentally deleted them, I'll let you know if l find them.

Start as you mean to go on, love it. Quite right here as this is just a start, she's a CF and testing the water to see what she can get away with.
Put your foot down now, it won't get better only worse.

Your DH has already broached the subject so she knows it’s an issue.
I’d go in face to ask and simply ask “what am I missing? Why not say you had them” and then shut up and let her talk.
Love to know how it was a mistake.

Exactly....what relationship? MIL has let her know exactly what she thinks of her and the behaviour will only get worse if not stamped out now.

Go with your gut and go grey rock. It's amazing 👏 to hear that hubby supports you but this would be the last straw for me.

This

A sign of things to come, sorry x