Husband won't 'return the favour'

[cookingaroast]

My husband and I have been together 15 years, married 10. I'm always pleasing him but feeling like my desires aren't reciprocated.

TMI - we have sex usually twice a week, I wake him up with hand jobs, I go down on him whenever he hints at it (usually once a week). I've asked a few times if he could go down on me and he always says he will, then it never happens!

We went on holiday last week and before we went, I asked if he could do it whilst we're away - a treat for me. He said that sounded great, I got myself all waxed - how we both prefer it - and was expecting it all week but no, I didn't get it. He got everything from me, and I really don't want to nag but this is getting frustrating.

I honestly think he's done it two, maybe three times in our whole relationship. Is this normal and something I should just accept? Beyond this, our sex life is good and I enjoy pleasing him. I'm not sure he's too interested in pleasing me.

Yes same. Very weird. Clearly a lot of problems there

Him being the dom in this situation sounds like him saying he wouldn't/shouldn't really have to provide reasonings to a flat out no. After all, his role is the master of who gets sexual gratification/relief, and when.

I mean I interpreted the “get on your knees” as him thinking he’s being sexy and exciting and perhaps someone who actually watched 50 Shades.

For clarity, emphasis on the “thinking”.

Though following OP’s dripfeed about their relationship and that she enjoys giving pleasure, I think it’s fair to say she’s not coerced into it.

I know a bit about dom/sub dynamics and this sounds like rubbish to me. It’s right that your H shouldn’t perform sex acts he doesn’t want to but not caring about your pleasure: since when does being a dom entitle someone to be a poor lover who doesn’t care about his partner’s pleasure? Struggling to fathom why you’re so content with this crappy deal, OP. Struggling to fathom why your dom isn’t disappointed in himself.

Withholding sex as a means of pressuring someone to do something sexually that they don’t want to do is not ok. How on earth have we reached a position where people think it’s ok to behave in such a way.

Agreed.

Exactly. Why leave that out when it was so relevant?

If someone doesn’t want to have sex, they can withhold it. What you’re suggesting is what”s dangerous.

Op on the wind up - everyone move on, nothing more to see here

I agree with pp - by that emoji I’m wondering if you’re fully happy with this.

Also the dom/sub might explain some of this but at the same time, from what I know of dom/sub I’m not sure you being unable to properly raise this for so long or his attitude of not caring about you being satisfied is typical.

Yeah I think so too 😂

Agree.

This is grim reading for me. Really really grim.

I am 100% sure once you hit menopause, the penny will drop, and you will regret every single second of life you’ve wasted on this misogynistic vile man. 100%.

my take from this thread, is to make sure my daughters never ever end up in a relationship or mindset like this. I’m off to talk to them right now about their value.

I beg of you to protect your children from knowing that their parents think women are subservient to men.

@ThejoyofNC are we reading the same thread? Most of the replys to the OP have said that she shouldn't be forcing, or persuading, her partner to give her oral sex if it is something he dislikes doing! So I am rather bewildered at your shock?!

@cookingaroast the main concern that I can see here, is that over all those years, you and he have not already discussed it, and at least 50% of that responsibility surely has to lie with your partner. If he dislikes "going down on you" then he should have told you that the first time you asked him to reciprocate, and not just agreed that yes he would do it, but then never, or at least rarely, actually doing so.

If he does actually dislike giving you (presumably any woman) oral sex - which appears to be the case, unless he is just very selfish and lazy - then he should have told you that, and explained the reason why. If we knew that we - my husband and I - were going to have sex, we would always have either a shower, or a very good wash of our genital areas beforehand, after having done any necessary pees of course 🙈

Of course, sometimes making love happens more spontaneously, in which case we would probably not include oral sex, as unwashed genitals - when up close and personal - are not that much of a turn on 🤢. If a partner insists that he doesn't mind, or hopefully even enjoys, giving oral, then in my experience, them giving you oral first is usually better, as once they have "cum" they usually prefer to have a little nap, rather than pleasuring their partner; although, to be "fair" (to whom?!) the 'napping' often doesn't seem to happen anyway, until that is, they are in a long-term, established, relationship!

I'm really sorry OP that such an intimate and generous part of love-making, especially for those that enjoy both giving and receiving oral as much as we do, is such a stumbling block in your relationship. Please do have 'the' conversation with him, and at the best time you can choose, but preferably not just either side of making love. Try to stay calm and not sound accusatory during your conversation, hear him out properly, and preferably with some forethought about some of the different answers he may give, and if he does say something like he hates giving oral every single time he does it, is there something else he could do that would give you equal, or almost equal, pleasure?

Good luck OP! 💐

my take from this thread, is to make sure my daughters never ever end up in a relationship or mindset like this
Amen to that

And btw. This isn’t a Dom/sub relationship. If it was, the Dom actually cares about your pleasure. This is a slave/master relationship where one party has managed to convince the more vulnerable/no self esteem party that this is the best they can hope for. Deeply deeply sad.

What a wankerish thing to say. Your husband sounds a complete and utter selfish knob. Good luck with that.

Quite the contrary. You’re the one who seems to think that people should do things they don’t want to do sexually.

Not wanting sex is very different to withholding sex as a tool to get what you want. I mean, by your reasoning, if he wants to insert things into her bum hole, she should let him as otherwise, he should withhold sex to pressure her.

If someone doesn’t enjoy something sexually, they shouldn’t feel they have to do it.

If the he even exists

I do this with my teen girls, who are on the cusp of boys, and some of their peers are already sexually active. We have an open dialogue about what’s going on, and they’ve told me about friends giving BJs. I’ve said, “So did he do it back to her? Do you think that’s fair? Do you think that makes him selfish?” I’m already planting seeds by asking open-ended questions to get them to really think about it….we’re up against Andrew Tate here, folks.

I’ve just done the exact same.

this thread is either just a bloke typing out his fetish, or it is genuinely a woman who has never been taught about equality.

real or not, what it has resulted in for me, is my just having a good chat with my girls about misogyny and equality. So all good.

He has no interest in it. If he did he would be doing it.

You need to accept that. Personally I would match his effort. (I also would never perform oral sex on a man who never reciprocated.)

Stop feeding it people!

Which ones are shocking you? The ones above are just telling OP to accept he does not wish to reciprocate. Where are the double standards?

I was going to say this sounds like a nice mature conversation. You communicated your desires but also asked for honesty in communicating likes and dislikes and accepting people should not do what they don’t want to do sexually.

And then I read the last paragraph.

YIKES. So he IS a selfish lover. To be specific - a sexist one.