Husband won't 'return the favour'

[cookingaroast]

My husband and I have been together 15 years, married 10. I'm always pleasing him but feeling like my desires aren't reciprocated.

TMI - we have sex usually twice a week, I wake him up with hand jobs, I go down on him whenever he hints at it (usually once a week). I've asked a few times if he could go down on me and he always says he will, then it never happens!

We went on holiday last week and before we went, I asked if he could do it whilst we're away - a treat for me. He said that sounded great, I got myself all waxed - how we both prefer it - and was expecting it all week but no, I didn't get it. He got everything from me, and I really don't want to nag but this is getting frustrating.

I honestly think he's done it two, maybe three times in our whole relationship. Is this normal and something I should just accept? Beyond this, our sex life is good and I enjoy pleasing him. I'm not sure he's too interested in pleasing me.

If it's something he doesn't enjoy doing then you really cannot force him. While he does probably owe you an explanation, he also possibly feels uncomfortable saying he doesn't enjoy it, in the sense that he loves you and doesn't want you to feel rejected. If the sex life is good in other ways and he's a caring partner, then it's unfair to push this. Nobody should be forced into a sexual act.

And yet he doesn’t feel uncomfortable telling OP to get down on her knees.

“Get down on your knees.” He’s a selfish dick.

I saw that OP just added that, no mention of this in initial comment.

Would have helped to read all of OP’s posts.

Ah, you again. Tschüss.

No idea how you are. Perhaps you’ll apologise to OP though.

How I am? Fine, thanks.
My comment was appropriate to the initial information provided.
I won't be interacting with you on any future threads. Tschüss.

If he doesn't like it, then you shouldn't expect him to do it. Similarly, if you don't enjoy the things you do for him, then you should not do it, either, and you need to tell him so. You are resentful about it, so why do it?

I agree that no one should do what they don’t like sexually. But I would personally pack in the blow jobs now.
If you know you don’t like giving your wife oral sex, why would you not feel bad about asking her to get on her knees…

After putting the kids to bed I went to our room and was told to get on my knees 🙄 he had a bj for about 10 minutes

Does he watch porn?

I’m trying to work out if he actually thinks that 10 minutes on your knees servicing him with a BJ is pleasurable for you, or he just doesn’t care.

At least you know now that he doesn’t like the act that would give you pleasure, and isn’t willing to do it occasionally to make you happy - which is his right. I agree with others that no one should be coerced into doing something they dislike.

If you genuinely like doing what you do for him are satisfied with your relationship and happy to continue for the next 15 years or more then you are in no worse position now you know.

I would struggle with being asked to perform BJ’s ( you say ‘hint’ what happens if you don’t take the hint?) on someone who was happy to take so much more than he gave.

I am getting on a bit now though, and my overarching reaction is ‘oh your poor knees’!!

Then PIV for him to finish.

What about you, OP? Did you finish?

So he doesn't like going down on you. What does he like to do that is going to make the experience satisfying for you? Or is it entirely about his pleasure?

Obviously I'm not suggesting coercion, but it's an easy opt-out for lazy partners just to say they don't like anything that takes a bit of effort. No, I don't like going down on you. No, I don't like fingering you. No, I don't like introducing sex toys into the bedroom. How does one tell the difference?

I was just thinking the exact same thing. By the sound of this man I imagine he doesn't like it because it's not directly giving him pleasure. This is because he's only interested in getting pleasure himself and not whether his wife is . The OP directly said this in her first post. The 'get on your knees' command and keeping OP there for 30 mins before she got her maximum 2 mins to me almost sounded like a punishment for the OP to dare to ask for something from him. He sounds quite unpleasant tbh

Talk about it during a non-sex time. Find out his PoV. It might be as simple as he doesn't think he's very good at it.

Personally I dont disagree. I wouldnt like to give foreplay without reciprocation. But you aren't entitled to something because you gave it.

I simply mean, if she is asking oh next time will you, "sure ok" could be deflection. And if he means "no i dont like it" shes not entitled to it. Its not unreasonable for him to refuse. But she deserves to be told. And its unreasonable for her to be toyed with.

And if that is the case she can then decide, is the other stuff enough or leave. And i dont think shes unreasonable if its a deal breaker or if she loves him and enjoys the rest enough to be happy

He is being selfish in the lies he's been telling. It's not okay for him to keep saying he will do it but then not. If he didn't like it, then he owed his wife a conversation where he said that instead of repeatedly lying to her.

The majority of their sex life is the OP giving her husband pleasure. He really doesn't seem to care about her pleasure in return. He's getting all these hand jobs and blowjobs and doesn't seem to be reciprocating (doesn't have to be oral). Of course that is selfish behaviour. And I do think the OP should question whether she wants to keep on having sex with a man who clearly isn't interested in making it good for both of them.

OP said he uses his hands. So not sure it’s as simple as all he does is take and gives nothing in return. Presumably OP gives BJs because she wants to rather than she feels she needs to.

Or he tells her to “get down on her knees” once the enter the bedroom, as OP said in her update.

What a gent.

Tell him you don't like blow jobs and stop doing them.

Ugh your DH sounds disgusting. Totally fine to not enjoy oral, but it seems yout entire sex life is pleasing him. That would be a big fat no from me going forward.

If my husband of 15 years told me to 'get on my knees' I'd wonder where I went wrong in life..

Going to have a wild guess here, you do most of the housework, child rearing etc etc.

You'll have to stop liking blowjobs then....he sounds really selfish. I'd probably be avoiding sex with him full stop. I couldn't respect someone that self-centred.

I mean not sure where I said that’s completely fine but ok then…