Kind but very poor boyfriend . Should I stay or go?

[Joisworried]

PLEASE be gentle. I have PTSD from my ex husband’s abuse.

I’m 46. Have been divorced 2 years, separated 5 years. I have two kids under 12. One is severely disabled, I am his main carer.

After the most traumatic divorce I’m finally free, but I’m pretty broke because of it (especially vs the life I had with my rich-but-controlling husband).
There’s no question that I did the right thing in leaving him and I continue to work all the hours I can (as I also always did while we were married) to bring in as much income as I can to support the children and me. I
now own a heavily mortgaged but tiny house and lease my car. I accept Universal Credit to top up my earnings and am extremely careful with household bills (batch cooking/deals/vouchers. Etc)

I met a lovely older man on a dating app in April 24. He is one of the most emotionally intelligent men I have ever known. He is considerate,
fun, kind, compassionate, generous and the intimacy is amazing.

However he is verging on penniless (works very hard as a labourer - but it’s all hand to mouth). He has two older kids, each from different mothers (I’m explaining for context not judgment).
But we definitely disagree on politics and parenting.

i simply cannot decide whether or not to stay or go.
We have probably the best relationship I’ve ever had. However the idea of the rest of my life with him fills me with sadness. And I don’t really know why.
Should I stay because he’s the nicest man I’ve been with?
Or should I move on in the hope that other good men actually also exist?

Am I the idiot who can’t see what they’ve got? Or should I wait to meet someone who makes me excited about the future?

Agree.

Think it's quite shameful of OP, clearly wants someone to improve her financial situation.

You are both unreasonable and not unreasonable.

it sounds as if you are focusing on the wrong thing. You are unreasonable about saying it is because he is penniless. You are not a catch yourself with regards to this matter.

you are not unreasonable to not want to be with him for some of the other things he has been saying.

It is time to be on your own, figure out who are and sort out your own finances

Partnering with a man is the most risky thing a woman can do.

I'd concentrate on yourself and your kids.

You don't need any more hits to your confidence of your finances.

You haven't said what the issues are regarding him being penniless? And not sure why the idea of spending your life with him fills you with sadness either? If this is the case why are you with him then?!

Don’t let people like this guilt you into staying in a relationship that’s clearly wrong in many ways. It’s fine not to want a partner who will make you worse off when you’re already struggling.

I think this is the point. It’s not about looking for a rich man to subsidise her, but more that at a financially precarious stage in her life it would be very risky to partner up with someone who is in an equally, if not more, financially precarious situation - and whose future earning potential is poor.

Hi there yes down to you to find the better life .. with someone... there is out there waiting and could be just around corner

Plus, (which should be the real issue here) is a Trump supporter and a rubbish parent!

I don't see any suggestion that OP is looking for a sugar daddy. She's just reluctant to hitch her wagon to someone whose future isn't secure. At this stage of life, with her own financial burdens and caring responsibilities, that's entirely sensible. Even if they continue to live separately and so on, these things have a way of bleeding over. There are threads on that all the time.

You disagree on politics and parenting. These are pretty big issues!

Two kids both from different women, red flag for me, what personality is he hiding? He may be caring gentle etc to start with but couldn't commit to a relationship in a past so take your time and dont overthrow it. Let time handle this n dont rush in a new relationship.

To be fair to the boyfriend, the OP doesn't have much going for her financially either. She's on UC and has a severely disabled child. When he finishes full time education OPs financial situation is very likely to worsen. Her caring responsibilities are likely to remain until her final days. I'm not sure why she wants a partner to give her security, when she can't offer the same back?

Can't you just have a bit of fun and shag the bloke while the sex is good? Why angst over your future together?

She isn't suggesting she wants a partner to give her security, she's suggesting that it would be a bad idea to join forces with someone who has no security. And she'd be right. That's not gold digging.

The boyfriend isn't bothered by her own financial status, that's up to him. How much older is he?

His 58 and a labourer i doubt his putting into a pension.his not thinking long term,where as you on the other hand have a House and car paid for.i would have a sit down ask the questions,you want answers and rightfully so.i say teamwork makes a dreamwork talk communicate let him know how your feeling and maybe you get the clarification your after.

NEXT! You can do better.

Don't bother! Lol after yourself and your kids.

Couldn’t agree more with this.

I bought into the narrative being pedalled on this thread that finances shouldn’t be a factor when choosing a life partner. How wrong it is.

I’d also say that none of my friends married someone who wasn’t financially secure ( though some out earn their partner). They don’t talk about it, so don’t know if it’s a conscious decision, but I’d guess it wasn’t a coincidence.

I wonder how many of the posters chastising OP are married to a poor men with no financial security?

She has a property, which when the mortgage is paid will be fully owned by her. ( as long as she doesn’t marry him!)

OP sounds like a caring person.

for someone with nothing, and retirement looming, it’s free accommodation and care.

He’s the gold digger!

There is nothing wrong with wanting a long term relationship, but you have kids to think about- you can’t be with someone who’s going to stop you being able to care for them.

what people forget is that if you do eventually marry someone, it better to have someone with as much to lose as you do.

he doesn’t have to be rich, but someone in a similar financial situation to you means when you are together, you’d be in a better financial position. And if you did divorce you wouldn’t be worse off than you are now

Focus on yourself...commit to no one.. build yourself up however you can..
You'll know when somethings right x

You are not the idiot. Not now, not ever.
You've been through immense hardship, and you’ve survived with courage, determination, and love for your kids. You're strong, smart, and resourceful—and you deserve not just kindness in a relationship, but peace, alignment, and hope.
Here are some gentle truths that might help you reflect:
💔 Kindness is beautiful, but not enough
Yes, he treats you well—and that matters deeply.
But if you fundamentally disagree on parenting and politics, that tension will likely grow over time, especially with children in the picture.
💰 Money isn’t everything—but stability matters
You’re not shallow or materialistic. You’re a mum trying to protect and provide.
Being with someone who’s constantly struggling financially can increase pressure and anxiety—especially when you're already carrying so much.
😔 That heavy feeling? Don't ignore it.
When you imagine a future with someone and feel sadness… that matters.
You might care for him deeply, but your gut is telling you something. Trust it.
✨ Are there other kind, emotionally intelligent men out there? Yes.
It might take time, but there are people who share your values, support your dreams, and make you feel hopeful—not conflicted.
To stay just because it's “better than before” is settling. And you deserve more than “better than the worst.” You deserve alignment, safety, and joy.

@GentleFury that’s a very empathetic and incisive post - thank you. I think I definitely tend to override my gut feelings out of fear.

For those few calling me a gold digger: I left someone very monied. I just want the security of someone no worse off than me, mainly because of my son and how vulnerable we are.
I’m surprised how many people are telling me to stop wanting a relationship, am I so unusual that I do? I’ve been single six years now and I like being with someone. But my children will obviously always come first.

OP, let him go. He deserves the time and opportunity to find who he's searching for, and the same goes for you. Hopefully, you both discover what you're looking for, as it seems neither of you can find it in each other.

Why are so many people attacking the man so aggressively when the original post didn’t portray him in a negative light? Why is there such a need to hate on men without any valid reason? It’s so ridiculous.

Grow up