Kind but very poor boyfriend . Should I stay or go?

[Joisworried]

PLEASE be gentle. I have PTSD from my ex husband’s abuse.

I’m 46. Have been divorced 2 years, separated 5 years. I have two kids under 12. One is severely disabled, I am his main carer.

After the most traumatic divorce I’m finally free, but I’m pretty broke because of it (especially vs the life I had with my rich-but-controlling husband).
There’s no question that I did the right thing in leaving him and I continue to work all the hours I can (as I also always did while we were married) to bring in as much income as I can to support the children and me. I
now own a heavily mortgaged but tiny house and lease my car. I accept Universal Credit to top up my earnings and am extremely careful with household bills (batch cooking/deals/vouchers. Etc)

I met a lovely older man on a dating app in April 24. He is one of the most emotionally intelligent men I have ever known. He is considerate,
fun, kind, compassionate, generous and the intimacy is amazing.

However he is verging on penniless (works very hard as a labourer - but it’s all hand to mouth). He has two older kids, each from different mothers (I’m explaining for context not judgment).
But we definitely disagree on politics and parenting.

i simply cannot decide whether or not to stay or go.
We have probably the best relationship I’ve ever had. However the idea of the rest of my life with him fills me with sadness. And I don’t really know why.
Should I stay because he’s the nicest man I’ve been with?
Or should I move on in the hope that other good men actually also exist?

Am I the idiot who can’t see what they’ve got? Or should I wait to meet someone who makes me excited about the future?

So many of these threads. Women don’t own men their time, bodies and income because the man is ‘kind’ or ‘nice’. The bar for a good man needs to be higher than not physically abusive. This is not a good man. A good man would be able to provide for himself. He wouldn’t have two dc with two different women if he had no intention of being able to support those dc financially and emotionally.

Also being financially stable and being a nice person are not mutually exclusive. A man can be good in bed and good with money. Raise the bar for yourself op, you deserve to spend your hard won time and money on yourself and your dcs.

As above.

I'd say politics and parenting are pretty important areas to be aligned on. They matter more than the money.

What is the difference in parenting? Is he harsher on your kids than you like or something?

I would not be in a relationship with a man whose financial situation and ambitions did not match mine, nor with someone who had completely different values to me in terms of family and politics. Especially if the thought of a life with him filled me with sadness.

I feel for you, OP. And there’s nothing shameful about wanting a more comfortable life for yourself and DC.

The big problem is waking up every day feeling sad. Did that start with this relationship? If so, is it about being with this man, or the thought of leaving him, or the thought of staying with him? If you could work out which of these is making you sad, you might see a clearer path.

His political views matter if politics is important to you. Many people aren’t that bothered, especially by overseas politics which we can do nothing about. Same with parenting, if he doesn’t try to impose his views on your DC. But it sounds as if this does bother you.

As PP said, heavy manual work breaks people’s bodies and it’s a long time to retirement age.

Be kind to yourself. You’ve had a lot of grief with your abusive ex, your present poverty and seeing your child struggle with disability. Try to find time to look into your sadness and see what in particular is bringing you down.

I hope you can find happiness xx

You are not ready. You have had a traumatising relationship, get over that one fully.

You can casually date, enjoy the fun, but you have a lot on, spinning another plate seems unnecessary.

But we definitely disagree on politics and parenting.

Was this a typo?
Because these are huge issues.

Money isn’t everything and you attract what you are.

The fact your ex DH was controlling, was partly because he out earned you and so it is much easier to control someone who has nothing, compared to someone who is very financially successful (of course they can still be in controlling relationships).

If I know a man earns a lot of money then it puts me off and I wouldn’t even have 1 date with them.
Even though I know that’s very prejudice of me because any man can be controlling but I’d hate to be financially dependent on someone and be vulnerable.

You are rushing into things.
If you’re having a great time with this man then just carry on as you are.

Its concerning how you are so desperate to find a man and let’s be honest you want to find a man with money and that kindest is going to mean you’ll end up in a bad relationship again.

This man is nice and you get on.
You don’t need to move in together ir get married.
Enjoy being with him and how he makes you feel and focus on providing for yourself.

There is a difference between a rich man/sugar daddy and one who has had ambition enough to get themselves out of a minimum wage job

Being on UC just means your income is restricted at this moment in time.

However in 10 years time things are going to look very different for op but this guy’s prospects are not going to be better but will be worse

My question is, as someone who lives on their own, with their own UC top ups etc where is his money going?

This

No, from me.
Trump supporter and neglectful father.
Not a chance.
I find male Trump supporters, also support Tommy Robinson, Andrew Tate, Conor Mcgregor etc.
Yuck.

You don't know this guy from Adam yet. Just be careful OP. It's natural to want to move on, but in my experience, it's best to spend free time you have when coming out of any abusive relationship building up your confidence independently. That way, when you do meet someone, you can be more objective

mmsnet · Today 03:13
you just want a rich bloke rather than a nice one
says it all really

This

At no point has the OP implied or said this.
Would you care to point out where you, ahem, think she has?

Thought not.

Being a Trump supporter would be enough to know he wasn’t the man for me.

Expecting to date someone who doesnt live hand to mouth at 58 isn't wanting a rich bloke or a sugar daddy. More women should do this instead of listening to MRA garbage peddled by the increasing number of MRAs on this site.

This.

I know what you mean. My ex earned a ton of money and it was never an equal relationship. It felt more like he was the boss and I was the subordinate, even during the good times.

Money or no money his support of Trump is concerning.

How do your political views differ? This would be the main issue for me.

Boom 💥

Hello, I dont know what MRA is? I was merely agreeing with something someone else typed ? So why dont you respond to them ? Don't understand

Look it up, why don't you?

if you endorse a point of view, anyone can pick you up on it.

I googled it but nothing came up. But why pick up me when I'm not the one who said it it? Anyway I'll leave you all to talk, it is a women's forum after all. I just thought I would agree with a post. Oh the OP said in the third paragraph that he's penniless so that is clearly a major issue for her. Thanks

You need to try a bit harder - even AI covers it.
The OP did not say the man was penniless.
Oh, you're off. Cheerybye.

If you are happy like thus and if he doesn't eye up marriage and deeds from your house, stay with him. That's entirely up to you.

Noone can tell you what your financial planning with such a man should entail however he will be better off with you than on his own. How long longer he can labour ???

Leave it for now. The answer to your decision will become clear over time now you’ve started to reflect on things.

Do your long term goals align? Would you have the same saving objectives, life plans?
How would retirement pan out if he is so much older? What would happen when he tries to discipline your children and vice versa?