Kind but very poor boyfriend . Should I stay or go?

[Joisworried]

PLEASE be gentle. I have PTSD from my ex husband’s abuse.

I’m 46. Have been divorced 2 years, separated 5 years. I have two kids under 12. One is severely disabled, I am his main carer.

After the most traumatic divorce I’m finally free, but I’m pretty broke because of it (especially vs the life I had with my rich-but-controlling husband).
There’s no question that I did the right thing in leaving him and I continue to work all the hours I can (as I also always did while we were married) to bring in as much income as I can to support the children and me. I
now own a heavily mortgaged but tiny house and lease my car. I accept Universal Credit to top up my earnings and am extremely careful with household bills (batch cooking/deals/vouchers. Etc)

I met a lovely older man on a dating app in April 24. He is one of the most emotionally intelligent men I have ever known. He is considerate,
fun, kind, compassionate, generous and the intimacy is amazing.

However he is verging on penniless (works very hard as a labourer - but it’s all hand to mouth). He has two older kids, each from different mothers (I’m explaining for context not judgment).
But we definitely disagree on politics and parenting.

i simply cannot decide whether or not to stay or go.
We have probably the best relationship I’ve ever had. However the idea of the rest of my life with him fills me with sadness. And I don’t really know why.
Should I stay because he’s the nicest man I’ve been with?
Or should I move on in the hope that other good men actually also exist?

Am I the idiot who can’t see what they’ve got? Or should I wait to meet someone who makes me excited about the future?

He’s old, he’s skint and you have wildly differing ideas about politics and parenting.

Why on earth would you even consider staying with this dud?

*just seen he’s hugely pro-Trump. Yuk. What are you confused about, OP? Come on.

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This man sounds like a labourer who occasionally works with my partner. Really nice, but no ability during long career to somehow move up a rung on the career ladder. He has talent with some diy / building but can’t seem to get himself employed without help.

He moves from woman to woman, moves in, gets looked after contributes a little financially but most of his money goes ??? Eventually, woman kicks him out.

He relies on others to get jobs … a lot of sympathy work. Like fixing things (badly). We’ve been watching this clown act for years. It will be really sad when he’s old and has the inevitable mobility issues.

Adopt a pet instead.

OP isn’t any better off though, she just gets UC top ups because of her kids but she admits she’s broke.

I understand someone earning over a certain amount and not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who earns much less than them.

But it’s pretty hypocritical to not want someone who is in the same situation as you.

In fact he seems in a better situation.

OP is a single mother to 2 kids, one being severely disabled, financially broke, emotionally damaged from her ex and most people in OPs situation would be grateful that they’d met someone so lovely.

It’s very narrow minded of OP to only be thinking about the money, especially as her ex was so vile.

You sound codependent.

Sounds like he's looking for a nurse with a purse.

I have a DD with a disability, and I can tell you I will never be getting into a relationship with a bloke I will have to take care of and mother, however " nice".
What's nice anyway?
Women don't have to be desperately grateful for someone who is not abusive.

I agree it sounds like the sadness is related to the man not being rich.
Sounds like op is looking for window to help with the financial burden on her.

Also think focus on therapy and raising your kids. you and they don’t need a man your loves at this point in time

Amendment: he’s old, he’s shit with money, he’s a shit father, he’s a right-wing Trump lover…

I am astonished you’re a year into this. 🤯

Seriously how do you make that conclusion on him ?

You don't sound ready for a serious relationship anyway, and I'd say disagreement on parenting is a big issue unless it was always going to be something very casual.

But that aside, it's not very fair to a person who you apparently like to keep going in a relationship that fills you with sadness. You say you don't want to waste his time. I wouldn't want to be with someone who felt like that about a future with me. If you need to give yourself permission to end the relationship without feeling like you're a bad person, I'd say that's it right there.

However he is verging on penniless (works very hard as a labourer - but it’s all hand to mouth)
I'd be wary of this, especially as you own your own place. What is his plan for retirement? There are too many people of both sexes whose plan involves finding a partner with money to ease retirement. You are already stretched and you can't afford to take on someone else who might not have planned properly for retirement. He'll be retired in 7 years and you'll have to keep working for another 12 years supporting him if he doesn't have a decent pension.
Watch out for him suddenly having an "accommodation emergency" or "work emergency" (gets kicked out of rental flat, can't afford mortgage, loses job, unable to work for other reasons etc..), then he'll ask if he can stay with you for a bit just until he gets back on his feet. Except he never does and congratulations, you've got a live-in partner whether you wanted one or not.

But we definitely disagree on politics and parenting
Disagreeing on parenting is not good. This will cause problems later.
The politics thing - I couldn't be with a Trump supporter either.

We have probably the best relationship I’ve ever had. However the idea of the rest of my life with him fills me with sadness.

That's the gut telling you that it's the wrong relationship for you.
There could be lots of reasons for that. Maybe it's too soon after your divorce. Maybe you really need to be single for a while and build yourself up. Maybe despite all his niceness there's something underneath that isn't that nice. Maybe it's not wanting to have to care for someone 12 years older than you and support and provide for them.
Whatever it is, the sadness is telling you that he's not right for you and you should end it.

If this could potentially be make or break, he deserves to be brought into the conversation.

This sort of advice just keeps women in bad relationships. What is talking to him about his lack of money going to achieve except making OP feel guilty and forcing her to have an uncomfortable conversation?

She can just tell him it's not working for her anymore, which would be true. He doesn't 'deserve' anything more.

I think you've raised more than one issue here. Your title suggests you are considering ending the relationship because the man is poor. If that were the only issue, then I'd advise you to consider your very carefully whether you have a realistic prospect of finding an affluent man prepared to subsidise you and your child in order to give you a more 'exciting' future. You make much of your own challenging circumstances and link this to the man's wealth, which strongly implies you want a man who will give you a better life financially. Unfortunately unless you are bringing a great deal to the table yourself, affluent, kind men you get on well with who will help you financially are thin on the ground. So you would want to be careful not to throw away what you can have in the hopes of a unicorn.

However, despite your title, you can on to mention other issues. He is older, at a different life stage and you disagree on some fundamental things. The thought of being his life partner makes you sad. These are all excellent reasons to end it. But make sure you end it because you'd be happier on your own, not in the hopes that a saviour will come riding over the hill.

She is in a precarious situation, why would she make herself even more precarious by progressing a relationship that could mean she loses her benefits and has to share her meagre provisions with someone who has no job security, property or savings?

Be on your own, focus on yourself, build a home for yourself, a routine.
Why another man, a "poor boyfriend?"
What for, if you're finally free?

I'd advise you to consider your very carefully whether you have a realistic prospect of finding an affluent man prepared to subsidise you and your child in order to give you a more 'exciting' future.

This is unfair, there is nothing to suggest OP is after a rich man. She has just divorced a rich but controlling man.

It's OK to want a solvent man. Women don't exist to provide mates for poor men.

'But we definitely disagree on politics and parenting'

This is the issue, not his lack of money. I wouldn't bother wasting your time as it will comes to blows at some point. I wouldn't entertain someone whose politics don't align with my own.

What do you mean rushing ? Divorced 2 years and separated 5????

This.

Can you explain how he is “nice and kind”.

He leaves his 12 year old alone for hours. He supports Trump.

If you mean that he is nice and kind to you then that’s not enough. You should be looking for someone who is nice and kind to their children and to the poor and disadvantaged in society. That’s a nice and kind person.

it sounds like you want a live in relationship. If so then stop wasting your time on this guy. You can’t inflict someone who has different views on parenting on your DC You will also likely lose benefits and increase costs if he moves in. He’s been ok as your first foray back into dating but he’s not a long term prospect. Move on now instead of wasting more time.

All good, ta.

Thank you everyone. I think the people who suggest that it’s probably an interim relationship rather than a forever one are right. The suggestion that he’s showing me what a good relationship looks like gives me a lot of comfort.
I think I’ve been afraid that I am looking for a ‘unicorn’ but, as people have said, if it’s right, you don’t go asking mumsnet if it is. I do want a live in relationship, so I will end it at some point and hold out for someone more aligned with me in age, financial stability and politics.

This is true. A single parent who needs top up benefits has to consider the financial impact of a live in relationship. It would be irresponsible not to, however unpalatable that might sound.

Good luck, OP!